clubbreakup

[clubbreakup]

Tinder Don’ts

Don’t

+ Topless/ab selfies. First off, why is that on Facebook? I know that’s where you have to upload from. Second, just, no. I don’t care how nice they look, it’s creepy. Ever heard of leaving some for the imagination? Show me your wedding party dance floor photo and stop there.

+ Lead your bio with a lecture to women. “No drama, get off your high horse, don’t be a nag, this and that”. You think a woman will response well to that?! Presumptuous misogynistic bullshit will not fly. I realize this entire feature is a lecture, but I’ve established this as a venue for that. Yours is on your dating profile. :vomit:

+ First photo as a group photo. I can’t figure out who you are, and my chances of swiping left on that type of lead are high.

+ Black and white photos with a single item accented in color.

+ Post all photos completely covering your face (aka streams of sunglasses, sideward glances, and Halloween masks). Why?? If you think this app is more than trying to see if you think someone’s cute, think again. 

[clubbreakup]

Match Made in Aeronautic Heaven

Fan submitted love letter gold =^.^=

Dallas, april 12, 2013

of my considerations: I'm captain of first class R. G. The program shows me, you are a perfect match for me, according to the points, if do you like me. I will love: you give me the honor to strike up a friendship with you and who knows in the future how will be from there. I required the use of this program because my profession, it is difficult to find someone serious to start a long term serious relationship. I kid not to you when I say that: I will do best to spend as much time as possible with you. My life is laborious, but full of material and emotional rewards, who I'd love to share with someone of good feelings. I love your personality and I want to know if you like fly and diving? I love flowers and so I am among those who still send flowers. without more specific and pending a prompt and favorable action, I subscribe to you. very sincerely: always yours God, Country and Freedom. Captain R.G.

[clubbreakup]

Tinder Don’ts

Don’t 

+ Too many selfies. I can tell if you took all of your own photos, and I’m beginning to wonder where the other people in your life are. 

+ Excessive group shots. What, which one are you? 

+ Leave your bio empty. Give me at least a pizza emoji. 

+ Waste an entire photo on your dog. Take a selfie with the pup and lemme see your face at one more angle. 

+ American Eagle shirts.

[clubbreakup]

Networking to tears

I knew I was getting into a pretty bad date last week when he asked me to talk on the phone two nights in a row (ignored) and I discovered two missed calls regardless, but I figured worst-case would make for a good story. Unfortunately this story is boring, but I’ll try to jazz it up with some commentary. 

He’s in tech, so I figured there could be some decent inspiration. I soon realized he was a “networking guy”, the hardware type, and there was clearly nothing that revved him up more than explaining the $10,000 computer he hand-built that he’s got at home. I heard lots of terms, eyes glazed over thinking about why the bartender hadn’t brought my drink yet.

I threw out a joke about porn hard drives.

He was not amused.

Later, he emphasized the importance of a healthy lifestyle. Nodding, I admitted I stay lean primarily because of my popcorn-for-dinner diet, but I certainly think about exercising at least once a week. Awkward laughter after no bite, I tried to save with a reference to the half marathons under my belt.

Recovery was sufficient for him, so he continued, speaking disgustedly about overweight people. Shaking his head angrily, he explained the deceitful nature of larger women. 

I was not amused. 

We wrapped up the evening with a request for a walk, I kindly declined and explained we were in the ghetto, and he promised to call. 

- The Treasurer

[clubbreakup]

Tinder Don’ts

Let’s be honest, there’s a lot you shouldn’t be doing on Tinder, probably enough for a novel or two. Weekly, we’ll be adding short lists of deal breakers, things not-to-do, and general wtfs. Let’s begin: 

Don’t

+ Advertise your creepy hairstyling business on Tinder. I can’t be sure I’m avoiding some Sweeney Todd situation with that type of intro. 

+ Advertise how much money you make. Just tell me you’ll pay for everything, I'll be good.

+ Use too many exclamation points in conversation. Nobody is that excited. You are? Too eager.

+ Post your kids in your photos. I get it, you love them, you want me to know up front they exist. But also? Creepy as hell. They can’t consent to their photos showing up on a dating app. 

+ Sapiosexual. Just say you like smart people and move the hell on. 

- The Treasurer