clunelover - Tumblr blog

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hahaha I thought I lost my apple watch on the way home from PR (it was dying on an airplane and kept buzzing to tell me and I got annoyed and stuffed it in a carryon but then never found it when we got home so I assumed it fell out on a plane).

I really missed it so I bit the bullet and ordered a discounted SE model. And literally the moment it got delivered I was doing something in the bedroom and found my old one - it had slipped down between the foot of the bed and the dog crate we have sitting by the bed. Must have fallen out of whatever carryon when I unpacked it.

OF COURSE! Literally never fails.

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I have started watching Quiet on Set, and man...I thought I basically knew all of this stuff already, and generally I can "handle" a lot of media re: icky situations, abuse, molestation, etc (for SOME reason I was fascinated by the concept of child abuse from a very young age, and would read pretty much anything on the topic that I could get my hands on, so I got kind of desensitized).

But there were definitely aspects of this story I was not familiar with and I am finding the whole thing actually nauseating - unusual for me. Proceed with caution!

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There's this middle aged guy on my team who is nice enough but often rubs me the wrong way. He has a couple jokes I have heard him say a jillion times (the main one is - "when your kids move out, don't forget to change the locks" 😒 He will say that to anyone whose kids are off to college.)

He has also offered to read my writing, which is so weird to me - like, if someone says they write as a hobby, why would you volunteer to read their unpublished work?? I'm actually a decent writer (although, I mean, of course I would think that), but most people you encounter who say they write? Are NOT good (I know because I have been in classes with a lot of them). So that struck me as an odd offer (but also, nice! It's complicated)

Anyway, he is pestering me about something that I need an engineer's help to fix. I told him it might be a little while cause that engineer is two hours behind us, so it was (at the time of our conversation) 6:43 am where the engineer lives.

Coworker says, "he needs a rooster! We have them here in the country and they're a P.I.T.A." ...this has made me SO UNREASONABLY ANNOYED! He's just goofing, but I'm sorry, is the implication that someone should actually get to work before 7, to fix your stupid problem? If someone isn't on the clock before 7, it's not because they need help waking up!! Nobody who works here should be at work that early! Unless they want to, in exchange for also leaving super early. I am annoyed because I am taking it too literally but also shut up!!

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Okay, so Civil War is very good and very intense, it made me yelp and cry in alarm, and at times it felt like having a panic attack...lots to think about...all that jazz.

But ah, also - the main guy in it (Wagner Moura) is very attractive, and I was thinking "I have never, that I know of, seen this guy, but also he feels so familiar to me" and now I look him up and...aha! He does the voice of the wolf in Puss in Boots: The Last Wish - and I remember now that when we saw that with the kids I looked up who did the voice because I thought it was a Hot voice, but when I looked him up found that I couldn't place him and hadn't seen any of the things he'd been in. So, pleased to report - he has a hot face to go with the hot voice.

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I have cried way too many times re-watching this stupid show!!! (SATC). IDK, as I approach 40 I am having all kinds of Life Thoughts, so I am very susceptible to any media about women and aging, the paths our lives take, the closing of one door and opening of another, etc. etc. I think it's why I loved Tom Lake so much (I mean, I also think it's a great book, but it got me at the exact right time of life and that's why I immediately read it a second time and gave it to everyone for Christmas).

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Ha I put in hours to cleaning and decluttering our craft room, while also resenting how many perler bead containers and things are junking up the dining area and living room half wall thing (they keep getting stacked there when people need to clear off the table) and only today did it click - hey, perler beads are A CRAFT and I have a whole ROOM where those could live! Fuckin A!

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And now Jeremy is off on a business trip til Wednesday. Then he has another one next week Monday-Wednesday! I'm actually kind of pumped - get to just eat the things I want to eat, get the kids to bed early-early (it's good for them!!) and then do exactly what I want the rest of the evenings. But then I can also claim Solo Parent Hardship and get to do what I want on the days he is here, too. It's win-win.

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I had a good girls weekend with my Louisiana friends! I think this was the biggest test of sobriety so far, but it went fine (like - mostly great, just some "oh that drink sounds cool" or "Aw man, tiki bar, I love rum!!" pangs). My friends did not make a thing of it at all and were enthused to look at the NA sections on menus with me.

It was also really nice to be able to look at certain interactions with a completely clear head - like, the friend that I fought with in Mexico, I still really like her, but she has this mean edge that comes out when she's drinking...and it was nice to be able to see that and just side step it. Like, one of my other friends, who is meeker, was telling a story about her ex-husband trying to suck her into his BS, and feisty friend was insisting that she had opened a door for some of it by asking him a question about his work (he's constantly getting and then losing jobs so sometimes she can't resist asking about it). Meek friend tried to defend herself or say she didn't ask anything this most recent time, and feisty friend says "You're lying! That's a lie! See, she's lying right now! Uh-uh! You're a LIAR!" and that's just kind of how she is, but *I* wouldn't like being called a liar, even in a joking way like that, and if that had happened to me while I was also drinking, things could veer off into a bad place, so it was cool to know that IF she pointed that energy at me, I wouldn't have to escalate it (she didn't, FWIW).

Also we ate a lot of great food. I got probably the best cacio e pepe I've ever had at Rose Mary (very peppery, too peppery for some of my companions but that's how I like it), so I would recommend that to any of you Chicago pals.

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I had my first session with a new therapist today - someone I worked with in treatment who happened to be transitioning to a role as a therapist at this other place, so I decided to follow her and keep up with my exposure work.

As we were running through our list of things to work on, I threw out intimacy issues and she was like “remind me, was ADHD being discussed as a possible diagnosis?” And I said yes and caught her up on that - and then she said “well I don’t want to oversimplify and I know there are other things including trauma at play, but the way you’ve described your feelings about sex is very common for people with ADHD, especially women” (basically that intellectually I would like to have more of it, and I know I enjoy it, but that day to day it doesn't occur to me to want it, or I don’t feel like changing gears - she said it’s very common bc it’s hard for ADHD people to change modes or initiate tasks, or to switch from something you’re doing that is already enjoyable such as watching tv and playing phone game, to something else enjoyable that takes more effort/has less immediate reward). I FOUND THAT VERY INTERESTING!

The more I learn about ADHD, the more I'm like "omg yes that makes perfect sense" but also I do feel deeply that tweet about how hard it is for ADHD people to pick and create a Halloween costume, and the reply that says something like "y'all just can't do anything, huh?"

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I know "lives in my head rent free" is an overused phrase but there really is one thing that does -

My sister told me this story about how she was in Portland a year or so ago, at a restaurant that had some Vietnamese dishes along with other things, and one of the things on the menu was bun, which they called "a-bun-dance bowl." So, bun in this context is pronounced more like boon, and so my sister ordered that and pronounced it "aboondance," assuming that's how this little play on words should be acknowledged, and the server said with that overly bright tone "it's actually pronounced 'abundance'!"

Anyway, that story made me so "FUCKIN PORTLAND" annoyed, even though I wasn't even there. And I think about it pretty much any time I think about Vietnamese food, which is often. So, I do consider this to be someone who is in there rent free - cause I have never met this person and they have no idea who I am, or that I know they exist...but I do, and I dislike them.

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I just cried so hard at the new special Bluey episode

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Next weekend I am going to Chicago for a girls weekend with my Louisiana friends. It's really nice - they all volunteered to travel closer to me so that I could see them even though it would be easier for me to come to them since I am one person.

I am...kind of dreading it! One of the friends, the main one, is the one who I got into a terrible fight with in Mexico. Something I can't even fully represent in words because we were both drinking so I don't 100% remember what was said or how it started. She did a very nice and genuine apology to me for it (it was more her fault than mine, like she overreacted to something I said and then committed to misunderstanding anything else I said) but I've been wary since then. Like, I've been sloppy with plenty of other friends without ever fighting somehow.

I'm not going to drink on this trip (or ever again I hope!) so that will help. But just...idk, she has a whole thing about not wanting to be the only one to organize and plan and pick activities, but she also objects to how other people plan. Nobody was taking action on housing, so I found some cool Airbnbs (with four people splitting the bill we could have stayed somewhere pretty rad) and asked for opinions. No reply for a WEEK. Finally I asked what was up, were they too expensive cause I could probably find cheaper (I was looking for places where we could each have our own room) and she says "I hate Airbnb on principle, I would prefer a boutique hotel, I'll look for some soon." Okay so her whole career is in historic buildings, and she has a legit beef about Airbnb. But I have strong reasons to prefer it...namely to have my own space including a bathroom that isn't right next to where other people are sitting or sleeping...but her preference automatically wins. I tried to be proactive and come up with a list of possible restaurants and she says she'd prefer to keep that looser (which like...what's not loose about a list of possible restaurants and also we do have to make some choices so that we can get reservations).

Anyway, I am trying to remember that it will still be fun and I really like these people, quirks and all, and I want to put in the work to maintain the relationships. It will be a great chance to use my anxiety skills. And if it goes poorly I guess I'll have an answer about whether I care to travel with these people in the future. Also I suppose there's nothing stopping me from making a list of restaurants for my eyes only, that may well come in handy if the plan of keeping things "loose" doesn't work out.

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I love our house and our neighborhood. Two of E's friends from school live within a block of us, and another a little farther but still in biking distance. They're old enough now that they can just roam the neighborhood and be in and out of each others houses. It's so cool!!

I was at school for conferences yesterday, and on the way out I found some old school pics, going back to the 90s. In the 1995 one were some kids I went to high school with. I knew about 1/3 of the names. I always felt sort of on the outside, having started with them in high school but they all knew each other since grade school. I'm excited to stay put and give that long term cohort experience to my kids.

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I saw The First Omen. The idea of an Omen prequel didn't speak to me, but then I saw the previews and they really worked to hook me. It was good!! Not super scary, but quite creepy and at times repulsive and disturbing. I left feeling really unsettled. I have actually never seen The Omen, but now I will! It's on hulu.

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Prevailing thought as I watch Sex and The City: I miss when we had more stars with big curly hair.

Also, even though obviously SJP and crew have actress looks/bodies, they still look REAL. Lines around the eyes and mouth and so on. IDK I feel like that's less of a thing now and I miss it.

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Some financially privileged musings

I've been having some meltdowns about how hard things are - my anxiety treatment helped overall but life is relentless. It's also just such a bummer because we've had a few tastes of one parent not working - when Jeremy lost his job, it was scary, but having him free to do all the household stuff was amazing. Then once he got a job, back to the constant drowning feeling.

Then when I was in treatment half days and not working, it was so good for all of us. Annnnd now back to drowning (a little better I guess cause I feel more equipped to deal with Things and not lay around avoiding, but also working seems to exacerbate all my physical issues so I'm also not doing all the things I want to be cause I just feel so crappy).

ANYWAY yesterday was especially bad so I asked Jeremy to please look at this little rough budget I'd made, and see if he agreed with my math that we could afford for me to not work once my loans are paid off (20 months). And, answer: yes - so I think that's our plan for now. I think I can hack this pace if I know I'll get to stop in not too long. It would be a big lifestyle change (we'd also have to stop paying for after school, and trim a lot of stupid stuff from the budget), but I think it's worth it. I like having money, but over and over I re-learn that there is no amount of things to buy or trips to take that makes the day to day more manageable.

I also know all the reasons why it's risky to step out of the workforce completely...idk, I will spend time thinking about it, but again I think I'm willing to risk it.

Man, I'm going to be so devastated when something changes that makes this no longer possible for whatever reason!

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I can't believe they put Sex and The City on Netflix! I haven't watched this show in so long. I liked it when I was a teen and too young to be watching it, and then liked it but also thought it was very cheesy and annoying when I was in college. Now I'm finding it a delightful throwback.