coffee-apparition

[coffee-apparition]

Guess who's back, my birthday happened and now I'm in a relationship and also fucking fat like unbearably so, and I can't keep letting myself be the funny fat boyfriend, I'm SICK of it

[coffee-apparition]

Shitting, throwing up, screaming

I'm 20 y/o and crying because I put on a swimsuit, I literally have two jobs and a college education to be finishing, this is literally the least of my problems but I am so repulsed by my body I'm just sitting here crying like a baby

[coffee-apparition]

Tried on a two piece swimsuit for the first time in years and had a mental breakdown

(context: I am fat still)

[coffee-apparition]

I can't believe that thinking one guy was cute has actually ruined my fucking night omfg

Like literally would've been fine but then *boom* a man, now I feel fucking sick and I'm on the verge of crying and I don't even know why

[coffee-apparition]

Crying screaming and throwing up, had a guy who's a friend of a friend hang out at my workplace today and he's so cute and nice and then I remembered I'm a gross fucking slug and he probably thought I was weird

[coffee-apparition]

*gets two jobs to avoid eating*

*doesn't get to eat, and is mad about it*

¯⁠\⁠_⁠ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[coffee-apparition]

I like to disappear for a few months and act like I'm not a massive wreck, and then my weekly schedule be like

Mon- void

Tues- void

Wed- void

Thurs- void

Fri- incomprehensible rage

The caveat is that my weekends are both being a void and filled with incomprehensible rage

[coffee-apparition]

I like blotting up styros and then watching the gap refill again, makes the brain itch

[coffee-apparition]

6 months clean down the drain cause I wanted to do my laundry ¯⁠\⁠_⁠ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[coffee-apparition]

Started doing high res (I'm working two jobs and 500 just ain't gonna cut it bestie) but also every time I eat my new roommate comments on how fat I am (he's naturally skinny and eats like a shit ton) because he thinks it's part of being #sassy and #blunt or whatever and idk I just feel terrible even though I'm barely getting 1000 kcals a day I feel like I'm a pig

[coffee-apparition]

I got too high and tried to change my pad but got scared and started crying instead

[coffee-apparition]

I think it's crazy that one argument with my mother about something completely unrelated can result in a complete loss of progress in my mental well-being, like I get that I have codependency issues but holy shit

[coffee-apparition]

My roommate being all holier than thou: well you're addicted to vaping that's why you feel like shit

Me, *who just watched him get black out drunk for three days in a row and high for the other two and say he's a beacon of well-behaved and straight edge because he doesn't vape*: yeah, no shit, that's why it's called withdrawals

[coffee-apparition]

Ran out of money for nicotine, time to die

[coffee-apparition]

Work slays, but unfortunately my mom got mad at me today so I relapsed lmao, so yk, whatever

[coffee-apparition]

First day of work at the new place today, gonna cry

[coffee-apparition]

Gonna explode, I'm so excited for work tomorrow (I'm working with my literal best friends lmao) because I can just chill™