coffeeleans

[coffeeleans]

up ko lang ‘to ngayong April 4, 2022. nasasaktan ako minsan pero hindi na kasing lala ng dati. alam ko sa sarili kong buo na ako at mahal ko ‘yung sarili ko. kahit minsan may mga araw na hindi ako okay, alam kong matatapos rin ‘yung sakit at magiging okay rin ako kaya hindi ko na siya maramdaman ‘yun. pero at this point, lalo kapag kasama ko si marvin, masaya ako.

October 8, 2020. 11:05 PM.

Halos isang taon na rin simula nung nakita ko 'yung astrology prediction na nag-sabi sa'kin na 'yun na 'yung huling heartbreak ko and after that, puro happiness na lang.

Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba 'yun or I'm just trying to make it real. Kahit sabihin kong wala na akong pake o na tinatamad na ako makaramdam, may parte pa rin sa'kin na nasasaktan sa ibang araw at napapagod. Pero almost one year ago, akala ko talaga hindi na ako makakabangon. Akala ko talaga doon na lang ako sa puntong masakit lahat at araw-araw gigising ako na umiiyak at matutulog na ganoon pa rin kabigat 'yung pakiramdam.

Baka last heartbreak ko na nga 'yun kasi simula noon, sobrang kaya ko na i-handle 'yung mga bagay at sitwasyon na masasaktan ako. Kaya ko nang maging detached sa mga taong kailangan nang umalis. Kaya ko na rin sila pakawalan nang maayos at tama katulad ng pag-mamahal na ginusto kong ilaan sa kanila. Baka huli na 'yun kasi andito na ako sa puntong nakikita ko na 'yung halaga ko para sa sarili ko. Baka huling heartbreak na 'yun kasi andito na ako sa puntong nakikita ko na kung saan ko gusto pumunta.

Novemver 26, 2013 and 2019 was probably my worst birthday. Sobrang dilim, sobrang lungkot, sobrang bigat, sobrang worthless sa pakiramdam. After no'n, naging emotionally constipated na talaga ako pero I met someone really wonderful and worth it. She made me feel things again at kahit masakit 'yung times na kasama ko siya, nao-overpower pa rin 'yun ng happiness. Buti na lang, may kabutihang loob pa si Lord nag-laan siya ng isa o dalawang buwan bago 'yung birthday ko para sa pag-alis niya at maka-move on naman ako. Akala ko, another series nanaman ng heartbreak. Nung umalis siya, do'n na rin ako nagising na andito 'yung pamilya ko, work came, at finally nakita ko na sinong mga kaibigan talaga 'yung ike-keep ko.

Ayaw ko na rin magpa-pasok ng mga bagong tao sa buhay ko, ayaw ko na rin muna tumingin pa sa ibang direksyon bukod sa tatahakin kong landas. Maraming gabi at araw pa akong nasasaktan, ilang box pa sa kalendaryo 'yung lalagyan ko ng ekis... pero ngayon, nakita kong kaya ko na i-handle lahat ng ibabato ng mundo, kaya ko nang tanggapin lahat ng pag-wawakas, at kaya ko na rin piliin kung anong simula 'yung gusto ko.

Sa tuwing lulubog ang araw at sisilip ang buwan, sana maalala ko na ang bawat araw na lumipas ay isang pagkakataon para puntahan ko ang dapat kong patunguhan. Ang nag-iisang destinasyon ko lang ay para sa sarili ko.

Dito, sa araw na 'to, pinapatawad ko na 'yung sarili ko sa lahat ng pag-kukulang ko, sa lahat ng ikina-sobra ko, sa lahat ng nagawa at hindi ko nagawa, sa lahat ng parte ng kwento ko na pinilas ko. Para sa sarili ko, malaya ka na. At para sa sarili ko, mahal kita.

Kayo na ang bahala sa akin, Lord at Universe! 'Wag niyo na ako pabayaan!

[coffeeleans]

the things i’d do to have kita whisper on my ear…

kita's voice is so hot as well...like imagine him telling you off with that voice and his accent...slipping into the shower with you after you've had an argument and raking his nails down your back while he whispers about how naughty you've been in your ears...KITA WHYYYYYYY

FLHKASKLJDDJ HELP I'M- your legs wrapped around him tightly as he pounds into you, fucking you up against the tiles even as his voice remains relatively steady, lips right next to your ear as he asks you if you're still upset,,,

shamelessly speaking, listen kita gave me a voice kink and i'll never be rid of it now. his voice in your ear...

[coffeeleans]

November 19, 2020. 2:26 PM.

I ‘am probably the most ordinary person out there. My life has always been black and white, despite meeting several kinds of people, despite being in a relationship thrice, and despite having four best friends, my life remains to be black and white.

But I like it. I love how ordinary my life is. With a lot of things in mind, with a lot of things and people capable of hurting me, with a lot of things I dislike, and with the few things I love and enjoy. I love how black and white and ordinary my life is. 

However, three years ago, when I first decided to listen to Day6, I felt a certain warmth. My heart feels so much at ease and at peace. On the few minutes I listened to them, my black and white world became filled with warm yet relaxing colors. It feels as though I’m being told that the black and white world is okay, but there is also beauty with a world filled with various ones. 

Years ago, I started stanning Park Jaehyung. But maybe several days before that, I have started to love Day6. They will always be one of the reasons why this world doesn’t feel as lonely. They will always be one of the reasons why a black and white world doesn’t look lonely as they give colors to it once in a while. 

With all love from a girl who lives a black and white life.

[coffeeleans]

November 17, 2020. 11:06 PM.

Dear you,

I decided to look at our photographs tonight and I cried when I realized that all I could remember of you was your faint voice of "oo naman." It's your simplest answer before and I never thought it'll also be the last words that will remain in my head. And then I started asking you through thin air; are you proud of me? Am I making you proud? If you're here, would you smile and say I love you and I'm proud of you? Would you turn and look at me and say the words I long for? Do you miss me, too?

And then, I thought that maybe, maybe the reason why the words "oo naman" is the only phrase I could remember is because it could answer all these questions in my head. Maybe these are the words I need to remember. Maybe that's why those are the words you left embedded in my heart.

One faithful night almost seven years ago, I've kissed your forehead and I didn't know that was the last time... but still I know you are here, in my heart. Always.

If you didn't protect me from the world's harsh words before, I probably would have hated the world and everyone in it. I probably wouldn't have known love if it wasn't for your protective arms and gentle hands. I probably wouldn't have learned to give love if it wasn't for your cooking early morning of summer, rainy, and chilly mornings. I probably wouldn't know how to care for anyone if it wasn't you washing me up for school, tying my hair, and helping me wear my clothes. I probably wouldn't know how to give if it wasn't you giving up your favorite tv show just to put on mine. I 'am so thankful that my childhood and teenage years were filled of you. I could never give up anything related to you. I want to keep all the things I have left of you... so please, don't let me forget your voice, our memories, and your warmth.

I love you and I miss you always. Lola, you are my greatest source of strength and love, I wouldn't be here if you didn't taught me all of those before. I will strive to be someone you're proud of, someone you can boast about up there. I love you, always. I miss you, every single second.

I hope you're resting well in paradise, my lola. If I could be given another life to live, I pray that you'll still be my lola and that we'll both live long enough so I can give you the love you truly deserve.

Thank you, lola.

With all love.

[coffeeleans]

November 16, 2020. 10:08 PM.

The fact that the naruto series was the reason how I got to meet you still makes me tear up to this day. I'm glad I joined naruto village and had the chance to meet you, Tim. I'm glad my heart aches this much for you because that means you're still alive somewhere, right?

I used to have a big crush on you, Tim. But maybe it's because I look up to how you've handled your OCD and every other struggle. I look up to how you'd stay and tolerate my unwanted presence and how you'd share the most random things to me.

You know, I think I will always be glad to have had you as a friend and maybe, for my whole life, there would be thousands of times I'll think of you. Sasuke and Kakashi really reminds me of you and tonight, this song also somehow reminded me of you.

https://youtu.be/FqctKcoGyLw

I hope you're resting well in paradise, Tim.

[coffeeleans]

Cardcaptor Sakura: Happiness Memories Helloween Illustrations

[coffeeleans]

October 20, 2020. 6:45 PM.

It was my second attempt today. I have seen resemblances of myself with Theodore Finch, the reason why I'm so in love with All the Bright Places will always be because of how much Theo speaks to my soul and how much I feel that he is a certain part of my existence I could never feel to bring up. He is a part of me I have never truly shared nor shown to anyone or someone.

And today, on my second attempt this month, I realized that I can't leave through drowning myself. I didn't like the thought of lingering like a legend, I didn't want to be remembered as someone alive, I didn't like the firey feeling in your lungs and how your head feels like it's getting bigger or something. I didn't like that.

But when I thought about being up in a high place, touching the clouds, feeling the wind hit your face... I felt my heart rest. I felt my soul at ease... I like the thought of flying and being free that the only thing that would have hurt was when you finally fall on the ground.

I used to think that I love the cold sensation of water, how amazing it is to be under it, and how amazing it is to float there... but maybe I developed that love out of my love for my lola... because she loved the water and as always, I will love everything that reminds me of her.

But if it is something on my own, I realized that there's nothing more that I love than the blue sky and the white fluffy clouds as well as the gentle fall of the snow on my palms. I like everything blue and white.

And while I love remembering people for the best of them, I love to be forgotten... I refuse to be a memory one will remember. My only wish is to be forgotten and be with my blue and white sky, clouds, and snow.

[coffeeleans]

[coffeeleans]

[coffeeleans]

Jisung: People who sleep without socks on make me worry.

Changbin: People who sleep WITH socks are not to be trusted.

Chan: People who sleep are weird.

Minho: I was a sock once.

[coffeeleans]

5 Centimeters per Second represents reality. 5 Centimeters per Second is the rate at which cherry blossoms fall, but it also the rate at which we move away from each other. It is a very grounded, somber film. When two people move away from each other, slowly, and gradually begin moving farther, and farther away, emotions, and thoughts of each other begin to distance themselves, sometimes unwillingly. While many of Shinkai’s movies would have ended in a reunion of the two main characters, rekindling their love, resulting in a feel-good, happy ending; this movie chose a different route. It was a more authentic, realistic portrayal of what happens. 5 Centimeter per Second’s conclusion grounds us. It lets us know that sometimes, distance isn’t just an obstacle, but a wall, veering our path to somewhere, something or even someone else, and that life must go on. It may be sad, but it’s true. That distance, like time, does not change for anyone; it works at its own discretion. 

[coffeeleans]

five centimeters per second+version.2

[coffeeleans]

October 8, 2020. 11:05 PM.

Halos isang taon na rin simula nung nakita ko 'yung astrology prediction na nag-sabi sa'kin na 'yun na 'yung huling heartbreak ko and after that, puro happiness na lang.

Hindi ko alam kung totoo ba 'yun or I'm just trying to make it real. Kahit sabihin kong wala na akong pake o na tinatamad na ako makaramdam, may parte pa rin sa'kin na nasasaktan sa ibang araw at napapagod. Pero almost one year ago, akala ko talaga hindi na ako makakabangon. Akala ko talaga doon na lang ako sa puntong masakit lahat at araw-araw gigising ako na umiiyak at matutulog na ganoon pa rin kabigat 'yung pakiramdam.

Baka last heartbreak ko na nga 'yun kasi simula noon, sobrang kaya ko na i-handle 'yung mga bagay at sitwasyon na masasaktan ako. Kaya ko nang maging detached sa mga taong kailangan nang umalis. Kaya ko na rin sila pakawalan nang maayos at tama katulad ng pag-mamahal na ginusto kong ilaan sa kanila. Baka huli na 'yun kasi andito na ako sa puntong nakikita ko na 'yung halaga ko para sa sarili ko. Baka huling heartbreak na 'yun kasi andito na ako sa puntong nakikita ko na kung saan ko gusto pumunta.

Novemver 26, 2013 and 2019 was probably my worst birthday. Sobrang dilim, sobrang lungkot, sobrang bigat, sobrang worthless sa pakiramdam. After no'n, naging emotionally constipated na talaga ako pero I met someone really wonderful and worth it. She made me feel things again at kahit masakit 'yung times na kasama ko siya, nao-overpower pa rin 'yun ng happiness. Buti na lang, may kabutihang loob pa si Lord nag-laan siya ng isa o dalawang buwan bago 'yung birthday ko para sa pag-alis niya at maka-move on naman ako. Akala ko, another series nanaman ng heartbreak. Nung umalis siya, do'n na rin ako nagising na andito 'yung pamilya ko, work came, at finally nakita ko na sinong mga kaibigan talaga 'yung ike-keep ko.

Ayaw ko na rin magpa-pasok ng mga bagong tao sa buhay ko, ayaw ko na rin muna tumingin pa sa ibang direksyon bukod sa tatahakin kong landas. Maraming gabi at araw pa akong nasasaktan, ilang box pa sa kalendaryo 'yung lalagyan ko ng ekis... pero ngayon, nakita kong kaya ko na i-handle lahat ng ibabato ng mundo, kaya ko nang tanggapin lahat ng pag-wawakas, at kaya ko na rin piliin kung anong simula 'yung gusto ko.

Sa tuwing lulubog ang araw at sisilip ang buwan, sana maalala ko na ang bawat araw na lumipas ay isang pagkakataon para puntahan ko ang dapat kong patunguhan. Ang nag-iisang destinasyon ko lang ay para sa sarili ko.

Dito, sa araw na 'to, pinapatawad ko na 'yung sarili ko sa lahat ng pag-kukulang ko, sa lahat ng ikina-sobra ko, sa lahat ng nagawa at hindi ko nagawa, sa lahat ng parte ng kwento ko na pinilas ko. Para sa sarili ko, malaya ka na. At para sa sarili ko, mahal kita.

Kayo na ang bahala sa akin, Lord at Universe! 'Wag niyo na ako pabayaan!

[coffeeleans]

October 1, 2020. 11:38 PM.

Frankly, I'm about to sleep and you just visited me again, Tim. I had to visit your facebook and look at you. July 10, 2018. It has been two years since you left and we all found out late, even Sith and Claudia. I just realized that you were Claudia's anchor, she said she had you when she was going through her depression and you helped her. But I remember in 2011, when we all first met and got close in naruto village along with my cousin, you told me about your OCD and depression. That time, you were battling your own war yet you're still helping Claudia... I feel so proud of you, Tim. I wonder if you know from heavens how much of a big impact you have left on our lives. Are you smiling over at us? Probably laughing at our terrible mistakes and making a joke out of it? Maybe if you were here, you'd say "it'll be fine" and for a bit, everything will really feel fine. You always manage to make me feel that way ever since, Tim. Always. Maybe that's why I felt your presence again tonight, because I just really needed that comfort. I miss you always, Tim. I miss you. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with me even though it was for a short time. On some days, I'm still in that headspace of us meeting in Wisconsin or of you replying to my facebook message to say it was a bad dream and you're in fact waiting for my message again. I miss you, Tim. I really, badly, always miss you. Please be happy there, please be at peace there. See you soon. I love you, Tim. Thank you, thank you for every little thing.

You will always be a precious memory, you will live on in my heart. Always.

[coffeeleans]

September 28, 2020. 8:29 AM.

Every time we meet, I'm always going through a rough time and you two always manage to spoil me. Before, it used to be alcohol as comfort but now, it's just words that got me by through the night and it's weird... because we spent the night awake and I felt okay, but now that you two have left, I 'am left with work and this aching feeling in my chest but that's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about how you two, no matter how rare we meet, always manage to comfort and share laughs with me. That even though I use my phone often, with you two, I just sometimes forget I have one. I appreciate that you're both always one call away when I need and though it had always been awkward for you two to see a girl crying, you just leaned your head on me and pat me on the back. Thank you for making the first day and night easier and bearable. I love you two.

[coffeeleans]

September 28, 2020. 12:04 AM.

I decided to not let anyone take the burden of my pain. I will heal on my own and walk my way. I will live.