coffeewithdad

[coffeewithdad]

Applying the Pressure

(Dad Calls)

Dad: "It's Dad."

Me: "I know."

Dad: "Spell your last name."

Me: "C-O-L... it's the same as yours, Dad."

Dad: "That's what I thought. Still not married? Bye."

[coffeewithdad]

BRB, BFF, BJ

Dad: "I have a BJ for you."

Me: "You have a WHAT?"

Dad: "a BJ."

Me: "WHAT?!"

Dad: "Are you deaf? A BJ. I HAVE ONE FOR YOU."

Me: "I don't want it."

Dad: "Come on, you'll love it. I got it from a girl at the bar."

Me: "Dad... This is wrong on so many levels."

Dad: "How is it wrong? You give me BJs. So I'm giving you one... Ready?"

Me: "This is sick. And horrible."

Dad: "If you're going to be uptight, I won't tell you the joke."

Me: "What joke?"

Dad: "The Blonde Joke!"

Me: "The blonde....? Oh. A BJ IS A BLONDE JOKE? Where did you learn that?

Dad: "I made it up. They abbreviate everything these days, you know?"

Me: "No. I don't know."

Dad: "B-R-B, I have to answer the door. B-F-F is here."

[coffeewithdad]

Dad and his Humble Package

Me: "What are you doing?"

Dad: "Sitting on my bed. I have to let you go. I want to walk in the kitchen and get coffee and I'm in my underwear."

Me: "What would your friends say if they saw you like that?"

Dad: "WOW!!!!!"

Me: ....

[coffeewithdad]

Dad and The Emotions

Me: "Hey, Dad."

Dad: (sobbing) "Hi."

Me: "Are you crying?"

Dad: "No."

Me: "Dad. What's wrong?"

Dad: "Jack...he... Died."

Me: "We were just taking about him! I saw him bowling a few months ago."

Dad: "Not Uncle Jack."

Me: "Oh. Well, I'm sorry. Can I send flowers to someone?"

Dad: "Get real, Kathleen."

Me: "Whoa. I'm just being nice. I don't have to know the guy to send flowers."

Dad: "Jack on the TV... You know from the movies."

Me: (assuming our favorite actor Jack Nicholson) "OH MY GOD HOW?"

Dad: "He drowned."

Me: "How? When?"

Dad: "Boat. 20 minutes ago."

Me: (Googling) "Dad, I'm not seeing it online at all. What news station are you watching?"

Dad: "I don't know. Let me check...I'm watching HBO."

Me: "...and Jack drowned."

Dad: (crying again) "...Yes."

Me: "...on a boat."

Dad: "Uh-huh. It's sad. *sniffle* So sad."

Me: "Yeah. Enjoy the rest of Titanic."

Dad: "It's over now. That old goat is throwing her beads in the ocean. This movie is so stupid."

[coffeewithdad]

Dad has Tumblr and LaBamba

Me: Dad, I made you a Tumblr.

Dad: What?

Me: It's an online thing. I can keep track of our conversations.

Dad: Like Black LaBamba does?

Me: WHAT?

Dad: You know exactly what I'm talking about. Government crooks.

Me: Whatever. I'm only telling you so it's not illegal or anything. I'm documenting conversations because people on the internet seem to like you.

Dad: Internet people are good people. I like internet people.

Me: Yeah, they like you too.

Dad: Know who I don't like?

Me: Who?

Dad: The president. Black LaBamba.

Me: Sometimes, you don't even make me work for it.

Dad: NO ONE IS WORKING THAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THIS COUNTRY.

[coffeewithdad]

Phone call with dad this AM: Me:"People love you on Facebook. Want to say something to your fans?" Dad: IMMEDIATELY HANGS UP ...2 hours later... Dad Text: "HI LADYS" + this photo.

[coffeewithdad]

Dad and an App

Phone Rings... I answer:

Me: "Hi Dad."

Dad: "Okay I'm ready."

Me: "For what?"

Dad: "Video chat."

Me: "Did you get an app for it?"

Dad: "Yeah."

Me: "Which one."

Dad: "The one you told me to."

Me: "What did you download?"

Dad: "Down road? What's down road?"

Me: "Download. And I told you to get an app."

Dad: "I got an app"

Me: "Which one?"

Dad: "An hour."

Me: "What? I never heard of that one. What did you get Dad?"

Dad: "You said I needed an app to video chat you so I took one. For an hour."

Me: "You took a NAP?"

Dad: "Yeah."

Me: .......

[coffeewithdad]

Dad has a smartphone now. Let the photos begin. 

[coffeewithdad]

Dad and Water Caskets

Dad: "HELLO?"

Me: "Hi Dad!"

Dad: He's not here."

Me: "Uh, Dad, I'm sure it's you."

Dad: "The paternity test says I am NOT THE FATHER! (erupts in laughter.)

Me: "Watching Maury again?"

Dad: "Earlier I was. I'm in the pool now. Floating on my raft. Sipping on a beer. Working on my summer tan."

Me: "Good! You know I really want to take a trip down there and vi......"

... Interrupted by someone knocking on my Dad's side of the phone.

Some dude: "George! You okay? You've been in the shower for a long time now!"

Dad: "I'm fine."

Me: "The pool, huh?"

Dad: "What is a pool? Really? Just a body of water in a small area. A tub is just that, only in a bathroom. In fact, a tub resembles a casket. Bathtubs should be called water caskets. I'm a millionaire!!!"

...HANGS UP.

[coffeewithdad]

Dad and an email Address

Dad: "What's your email address?"

Me: "My first and last name at gmail."

Dad: "WHAT?"

Me: "First name. Last name. Gmail dot com."

Dad: "WHAT?"

Me: "Dad. I'm giving you my email address."

Dad: "What street is it on?"

[coffeewithdad]

Dad and Turning Back Time

Dad: "What time is it there?"

Me: "9:00 AM"

Dad: "Oh. It's 7AM here."

Me: "You're in Tampa. It's also 9AM there."

Dad: "Not when you turn your clocks back."

Me: "Why would you do that?"

Dad: "I felt bad for a friend who really wanted to turn her clocks back but couldn't figure it out."

Me: "Who is this friend?"

Dad: "Cher"

Me: "Wait, what? ......Ohhh. She wanted to turn back time?"

Dad: "She couldn't find a way. But I did."

[coffeewithdad]

Dad and Siri

Me: (Calling Dad. Phone is ringing. Phone picks up.)

Dad: :::SILENCE:::

Me: "Hello?"

Dad: "Where's the remote?"

Me: "Where you left it?"

Dad: "WHERE IS THE REMOTE?"

Me: "I don't know, Dad. I'm not there."

Dad: "Who are you calling Dad?"

Me: "You?"

Dad: "What are you?"

Me: "WHAT?"

Dad: "WHAT?"

Me: "WHAT?"

Dad" "Stop saying what!"

Me: "Are you drunk?"

Dad: "Guys! This 'Serious' (SIRI) phone sounds like my daughter!"

HANGS UP.

Note: Dad doesn't have an iPhone.

[coffeewithdad]

VOICEMAIL: (Whispering) “Katie. I hope I’m not waking you up. Andrea is going down on us right now. (Laughter eruption) My friends dared me to call and say that. I’m sipping on brandy and wearing the Old Navy shirt you sent. I wear it everyday. Except in the shower. Okay. Well. Call me when you wake up. Can I get an eCellPhone like yours? (iPhone) This is your Dad. Bye bye.”

[coffeewithdad]

Voicemail: “Hi Katie. Just wondering if you’re pregnant yet. I’d like the kids to call me ‘Grand Mac Daddy’. Send me some TastyKakes. Bye. This is your Dad. *Toilet Flush and/or waterfall scene in a movie*”

[coffeewithdad]

Voicemail: “My friend showed me your Facing-Books webpage (Facebook), and all of your new pictures and you look happy. You look beautiful. Can we take some pictures together when you come visit? I bought new sneakers today. I’m eating Pepper Steak. Okay. Call me later. Bye.”