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cogitoergoadastra · 5 years ago

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To the bot and then some

Wow, yet again played the fool I feel, yet again like a goddamn tool Did I misread a spark, a glow never there? Was I bias in seeing that something was shared? Did I say something wrong? My responses too long? It just seems that you’ve flipped like a switch. Ghost how you like, go right on ahead Wouldn’t normally take time from bed. But don’t set me up Your heart i would cup, Though you’ve dropped mine and have run away It’s okay you won’t ever look back. Even more, you may feel that I lack. You’re not wrong to assume that I might be your doom God forbid we may be a match. But I know this before, we have heard and have seen As the old saying goes, “it’s not you, it’s just me.” I misread a spark, thought a fire might start, but really it was just the wind. You were passing on by merely stopped to say hi No hard feelings, it’s not like you sinned. But I’m caught up in chatter And assume that it matters Conclusion: my fault-- it’s been pinned.

#ghosting #May2020

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cogitoergoadastra · 5 years ago

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Within the dustbunnies

Maybe a little pathetic that in search of a soundtrack for the following entry, I found “Melancholy Instrumentals,” to fit. What are we though, if not self satiating. I’m back. I’m again in the space where I’ve had victories, where I’ve had some of the greatest joys, have felt the most secure… in the same place I’ve had deep pains, confusion, heartbreak. This last bit has me, I worry sometimes, stunted. Perhaps it’s because my life is otherwise luxuriously blessed, full of love and support, of Good and some part of me longs for deeper sadness than that which this life has given me. Don’t misunderstand- I don’t wish for pain or suffering to or around me for the sake of diversity. Variety yes, but that’s likely why I enjoy my professional freedom. Maybe I dwell on the following because all wrapped up within it, was the greatest adversity and thus the greatest growth, most significant events. Anyway.

I found a letter from her. This individual, I owe so much to who I am today. The longest I’ve known someone consecutively, consistently. The best friend. The deepest lover. The greatest knower of my self, more than myself. I do miss her brain. I miss the ease of our conversation. The ceaselessness of interest and even up to the very end-- despite the brutal mangling, stredding, tearing up into ugly pieces our love underwent-- the attraction. All of which none have since come close to. How do I describe it all? “Once upon a time,” seems like the most appropriate beginning. That’s how incredible it all was- incredible in the impossibility of its origins and of its unraveling. Star-crossed lovers? Soulmates fit. I guess it still fits, but that’s a little hard to swallow. You hear of timing, of past or future lives. I didn’t believe let alone understand any of that before. Now, I find myself hoping none of that to be true, for the sake of existing now within the lifetime that it wasn’t quite right yet. It’s selfish to expect what we had to come twice. If there was anything I’ve ever believed in, it was that she was it. The universe pointed to it too, over and over. That’s why I gave my all. I think it would be lying to myself to say she wasn’t my soulmate because afterall, she helped uncover so much of me. Does that leave me moving forward, expecting less? Some people find it. Less, twice. As much as I want to have it again… But there was so much wrong in it, too. Is it possible to have that degree, that deepness, that wholeness with one another, without the bad? Is that codependency and all the unhealthy things that would always lead to pain? Can one exist without the other? Does the bad prove that she wasn’t quite it? That we weren’t quite it? I used to pay for her train ticket to visit me during the summer when we were still just friends and before she knew the connection to Dan. How much I loved when she rested her head on my shoulder. How badly I wanted to carry her back to the car after the bee sting. How we curled up together. How deep the longing felt when she left. And it was all mutual. I used to drive 6-8 hrs to visit, after my 12 hour shift. It felt like nothing though, my excitement fueling me. Her face and embrace all worth it. Or even finding her sleeping, space enough behind her to wrap myself around her and finally sleep, so easily, so happily, so complete. Sometimes we’d spend all too long in bed, having done nothing but stare, smile, laugh at each other. We’d gaze, equally in awe at our fortune of having the other. The absence of each other’s touch all too obvious, making her head or my leg, or any appendage make contact, were our focus needed somewhere outside of each other. She was my Allie and I, her Noah- though we couldn’t watch the movie when, during one of our vacations and not-so-great-of-times, it was all too real. We took our good with our bads but after a while, the bads outnumbered the goods. I was too young. She, too beyond me. Me, too ill equipped with life experience, coping strategies, confidence. She, mentally ill and triggered by my triggering which became impossible to avoid. I know it was both of our doings, and even where she haunts my dreams I’m relieved we’re no longer together, but you know how memory does the brain and worse, the heart. I could get lost in her words. Anyone would. She’s a gifted writer. I got lost in her love. Anyone would. She’s a powerful, passionate, dedicated lover. I got lost in her brain. Anyone would. She’s complex, smart, analytical to her own demise. She’s a fire, burning so brilliantly that I knew I’d be blinded and couldn’t bother to look away. Overdone of a simile, but truly a drug for which I have rehab-ed, can say I’m clean 3 years but know I’d take another hit if the opportunity came. So what does that make me? A struggling addict, maybe. For what though, love? For her? The thought of her, save for the sweet early memories, terrifies me though. If I ever saw her again, what would she say? TNLH. I didn’t though. We parted. We left each other. For how much everything sucked and hurt, I guess I’m grateful it was pretty well understood on both sides that we were done. For as much joy and completeness the other made us feel, at the end we were each other’s greatest sadness, purest pain. So much life administered in the dose that was her. That was us. I feel pretty pathetic writing all of this. How many times do I need to close this up? Maybe when it cuts that deeply, you really never get over it.

#love #getoverit

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cogitoergoadastra · 6 years ago

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Aug 8 2019: CT Reflect

Streaaam of consciousness—GO Did I even spell that right? It’s been a very long time since I sat and reflected, or at least feels like it’s been a while. I think I worry that if I don’t come to some new change-course-of-current-goals conclusion, it hasn’t been a successful session. Here I write in hopes that my feelings on that change; that with even so much as thoughts to words to paper, I’ve begun to carve into the iceberg that is my psyche.

I don’t think I could ask for a better background: I’m home, alone. The sounds surronding me include the following: -parakeets -CIA Jr’s house construction (what a face lift that whole lot has gone under!) -at least 3 diff kinds of birds -cicadas -roosters (XD) -the occasional car driving down Old Tavern -one of the neighbors outside, maybe on the phone

The sun is starting to peak through what used to be overcast, although rain is expected later today. Christine just left and I sure hope she doesn’t need anything because my phone continues to not charge/turn on (new development today). Lemme message her on FB...

Alex wants to talk things out and I really need to tend to that, but I have two other cans of worms to open/disect first, especially per the Tarot Card reading I got in Solvang, CA. Therapy would probably be best: I’m so worried there are things that I’m unaware of that continue to slip by. I think this is part of the reason Stasia remains at the forefront of my thoughts (unfortunately). For obvious and multiple reasons, my life would be so different were it not for her influence, persistence, interventions... and she wanted me to keep working at it, to not allow the beaver-dom to seep back in. I’m afraid that’s what has happened since. It’s been an interesting two years. I definitely was feeling myself most in FL, but as is natural with ebbs and flows, I think I'm finally calming down. HOWEVER Being home makes me wonder if I’ve made any progress at all. Naturally, I have-- I know so. But maybe I’m comparing/measuring up to who I want to be or who I think I am. Maybe herein lies the biggest incongruency. It’s more than thoughts or wishes. This Ronaldo I have in mind... I think I imagine some hunk of a man, with the personality to follow. What I am reminded of (especially in CA) is that I’m instead a short transdude who still has effeminate qualities about him. Talk about puberty part two: finding whatchu got, working towards betterment yet learning to love the goods and bads of who you are. It’s so goddamn frustrating to have been in place (after starting my transition) where I loved all of who I was. Everything made sense. Nothing could touch me. The world was my oyster and everything was new, exciting, brimming with promise of growth... and then to feel right back where I was in middle school about wanting to look/sound/embody someone or something more. The self-conscious middle-schooler threatens to cloud my thoughts again. I worked past this already, no?! I’m baffled that I get stuck on what to say to someone I might find attractive in public, or search my brain for a topic to discuss with someone, or worry about the witty response-- what the hell? What even happened to the Ronnie I've been cruising with for two years? No, MORE. I was past this in high school and then some. So I don’t know if it’s: -being back home (facing old demons? Idfk) -reflecting/resetting/relaxing ---> so maybe the effects of CA are catching up to me? (because everyone is so gd beautiful and tall and built and shit) But I was still way more like, cool there x) idk -hormones (late on my shot) -overall part of this puberty/transitioning process

Hopefully more on all this later.

#ftm #manniversary #aug2019

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cogitoergoadastra · 6 years ago

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2 weeks visiting diff fam (April 13, 2019)

Aurora, CO. Back home here, with Pril and Ren. My flight was canceled due to a “failed bomb storm(?)cyclone(?) on Thursday, and the next supposed available flight was for Sunday, so I took it (likely, like a sucker as I’m sure there were other options). It’s Saturday, April 13th 2019. I finished my San Mateo contract on the 7th. It began on Jan 7th. I think Ren and I made it to Millbrae on Jan 4th? It’s been an amazing 3 months in CA. It was such a charging experience, being in CO. It was an explorative and growing experience, being in FL. Before that was MD, VA, NH, CT... It’s been an amazing journey, all of the life this little vessel has experienced.

Jumping around like this makes categorizing adventures and life lessons easier, I think. I can certainly recount the kind of experience each state has given was for me. I won’t go into that just yet though, because I began this with a way to orient myself. I don’t want the dates to get fuzzier as my journey continues. This is my origin story timeline:

CT suburbia 1992-2010 NH catholic/private college 2010-2014 NH camp nursing: June 2014-August 2014 WWOOFing: Aug/Sept 2014-Nov 2014 **Dan Oct 2014 -coming out Dec 2014 Christmas/Eve 2015 New years NYC Feb-May move to VA Fallout? Until Sept? August- Yale/Bridgeport -Lord Chamb 2016 Jan move out to WH sublet? Feb: Mom diagnosed in Feb? April: Therapy begins around birthday July?: Move to VA Oct: Move to FL -AirBnB 2017 Jan: New years failed fam visit Feb: in patient May?: moved to Golf community? June: moved out to Herbie’s first place July: official split with Staj -Awrex/Dani Aug: T shot 🙂 Sept: Irma/Uhaul Oct: New place with Herbie/Halloween party -PRN with Lee -NCH seasonal Nov: TRACY Dec: xmas party -Shay drama -Kelsey? 2018: Feb: Awrex valentines’ -Herbie bday (where we were last year)/Tracy April: amazing bday surprise -adventures in Rainbow Springs/Silver Springs/manatees -Trip to Colombia!! May: top surgery -recovering at home June/July: pack/prep for CO August: UCH/Aurora/CO -CrossFit love -Ren Oct: clowns for halloween/Charlies/Cheba Hut -Sasha Nov: JD visit to CO -lol bacterial meningitis Dec: extended CO until holidays in CT with everyone! 2019: Jan: Millbrae, CA Feb: letters to coworkers hehe March: Ren/JD visit at the end April: finished contract ... and here we are. SO much to be said about the past 5 years now, post grad. Can’t say I saw most of it coming in fact, the only thing that’s remained true is my job X) (and making it to CO!)

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