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david lynch and tommy wiseau are absolutely the same species

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Mysterious Death of Zigmund Adamski 

One June 6th of 1980, Zigmund left his house to do some grocery shopping. When he didn’t return for a family wedding the next day, his family started to get worried. 

His body was found five days later (June 11th) in Todmorden next to a railway line. Trevor Parker, son of the coal yard owner, made the gruesome discovery PC Alan Godfrey was sent to investigate. His body was found face down on top 12 foot high pile of anthracite. He was found without a shirt, the rest of his clothes seemed like they were put on him by someone who had very little idea of how to put them on (both his shoes and pants were put on incorrectly). Even though he had been missing for 5 days, he only had a single day of beard growth. His neck and shoulders also had burn marks on them and forensics found that some kind of strange ointment was applied to them though they could not identify it.

Dr Alan Edwards, the consulting pathologist at the Royal Halifax Infirmary, conducted the post-mortem examination in Hebden Bridge just after 9pm that day he was found. Dr Edwards’ professional judgment placed the time of death between 11am and 1pm on the day that Adamski was found, while the burns were two days old. The exact cause of death was a matter of such deliberation, that Adamski’s death took Coroner James Turnbull several months to register. It was ruled as a heart-attack.

PC Alan Godfrey didn’t believe that Zigmund died of a heart attack, he believed that Zigmund was abducted by aliens. Godfrey claimed that he himself had witnessed a UFO in Todmorden. He went to investigate what he thought was an overturned bus, but was shocked when he saw it hovering 5 feet above the ground. He claims that the next thing he remembers is being back in his patrol car driving off. He claims that he had similar burn marks and a strange green gel on his neck too. He was put under hypnosis and asked about his encounter. The 2nd picture is his sketch of the UFO and the aliens he had an encounter with. Godfrey stuck to his claims that Zigmund was abducted by aliens and dropped back after they used him for research.

Zigmund’s family believes it was a case of human abduction instead of alien abduction. They believe he was being held captive and died of a heart attack.

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The President of the United States publicly blackmailed a former FBI director yesterday.

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starting a fist fight at the jo-ann fabrics

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the world’s general intolerance for Mulder is either a devastating plot point or comedy gold

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this is the kind of quality content I want to see

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Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain but it’s more common and also more difficult to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden. It is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”

C.S. Lewis (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

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me: stutters out fifteen sentence fragments that no-one can make sense of not even me me: you know?

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#man just got eaten alive

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this is so fucking important

there was no big joke leading up to this or anything

this is how you do it

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what my neighbors probably think of how my voice sounds 50% of the time.

For more world-renowned reportage, visit theonion.com.

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