cokkebabbbygirl - Tumblr blog

cokkebabbbygirl · 1 year

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Dear dad,

I miss you so much I've been thinking about you a lot lately I can't seem to anything right in this life... my life is a complete mess and I have no idea what to do anymore I'm disappointing everyone in my life I'm addicted to drugs and drink everyday just to make myself feel better I can't live like this but I'm not strong enough to get myself into rehab I feel like everyone wants me to fail... people said they would help but as soon as I agreed to get help it had to be there way or it wasn't happening I didn't think was fair to me so I said fuck it and went did more drinking and drugs. You been gone 7 years already like where did the time go I miss you so fucking much and I hurt every fucking day the same as if it happened today. I wish you never had to leave me I honestly don't want to go on any longer without you everyone keeps telling me how disappointed in me you are and how much they are so much as we'll say fuck it all and just end it all. I want you to be proud me more then anything in this life.

Dad if you can hear me when I talk to you I hope you know I'm sorry for not being the daughter you wanted I promise I'll try and be better but I don't think I'll ever get better but I will try but I don't know how much pain I can take before I die from a broken heart. You were my world my protector my hero I lost my world no one understands that they keep telling me to get over it an I can't fucking get over it you were my fucking dad. I keep getting told I need help talk to someone we'll I don't fucking trust anyone in this world. Everyone close to me I open my heart to ends up leaving I will never let anyone break me like you did when you left me to go to heaven I know you didn't have a choice but im so mad you left and I didn't even get a hug before you left.

The day I got the call you weren't breathing I stop breathing too my heart fell to my stomach I couldn't imagine you leaving me I thought it was a joke. My whole world changed forever all from one call you were gone. I can't imagine ever going through that again I won't ever go through it again if mom goes I go too cause I can't keep going without you both. I wish they would of took me instead of you every day I'm just wasting my life so what's the point why do they always take the good ones it's not fair. I don't deserve to be here I'm wasting a life on drugs and liquor what's the point.

My life is a fucking battle everyday I don't want even get out of bed most days I would rather be in bed where I can't hurt anyone anymore. Everyone in my life doesn't want to help they just say they do to make themselves feel better but Im not going to ask or talk to anyone anymore im just keep pushing through in my own head and try to keep going. It's killing me I can't be happy even I am something or someone comes and fucks it up and makes feel exactly how I don't want to feel. I feel nothing anymore I'm so numb I feel it's gunna be hard to be happy I feel nothing I won't let anyone in cause im scared of getting hurt again I feel like im not worth loving im so lost and I don't think im ever coming back. Where is the old me where I didn't have to fake laugh or fake smile everyone thinks im okay and im happy but im far from either fucking one. I just want some relief from all the anxiety and depression, I want to wake up not fucking want to kill myself for once in my life. They is so much fucking negative people in my life and I can't not talk to them cause they are our family. My life is forever a struggle why not for once I can wake up and not have a gut feeling that something will go wrong once again.

Dad I really need you right now I'm so fucking lost I need some help tell me I will be okay and this pain will get easier to deal with. I want you to hug me one more time and say I can do this. I hate living so fucking scared of life. I'm so scared it's destroyed so many of my relationships I can't even talk without losing it cause I want to hurt people before they hurt me. I miss the day life was easy to get up and smile and be happy life was simple. I would give everything in this world to be okay and trust someone again.

I feel so fucking alone why do people say they care but honestly if I left tomorrow no one would even notice I'm gone one less stressful thing in their lives. People think pills and talking to someone who fucking doesn't understand the pain I feel won't help I can take meds and talk to someone but it's not gunna help if I'm always fucking alone. I'm so fucking stressed all the time cause I'm always thinking about who's leaving next or who's gunna destroy me next it's fucked to feel this but I feel like this minute of my day just waiting for the next storm. I would rather everyone just leave me now so I don't have to worry about it anymore that way they don't have to control my life anymore. Everyone needs to be happy if I remove myself everyone will be so much happier.

My addiction is getting so bad I'm at the point where I can't not be high on something if it's not hard drugs it's weed like what happened to me. I use to do drugs but I could control it but now I can't anymore it's like I gotta drink or be high cause I want to feel nothing that's what it's come to I just want to be in peace. When im high I can think to straight the funny thing is no one knows how fucked up my head really is and they will never know cause im never giving my heart and opening it up ever again. I destroy relationships before I get hurt every time I can't love im forever destroy. Every guy says they know im damaged but they can never handle it and end up leaving cause im forever damaged. I just want someone who tells me they love me would actually mean it or saying let's get through this together but can't get over my past which is a fucked up past because I choose drugs and liquor over getting hurt. I wish they would stay long enough to see pass all my damaged parts and hurt to see I'm trying but no one stays long enough to care. I'm never gunna be loved.

Dad please tell me what I did to deserve all this hurt and depression what did I do to be stuck in a world where I feel like a fucking ghost but alive. Please tell me why I keep pushing and it's going no where but causing me so much pain. Please tell me why I would stay in a world I feel dead in. Why me dad why do I have to hurt so much. What's real in this life anymore cuase I know the real life is hurt pain and wanting to end it all. I'm living like a ghost no one noticed me cause I'm to damaged.

My heart is broke I can't feel anything but pain I've tried everything to be happy. Everyone thinks I'm good I'm really good at faking I'm okay no one knows how I really feel. I'm so good everyone thinks I'm not drinking or doing drugs.. it's sad no one sees the hurt in my eyes that I'm actually screaming for someone to save me from this pain. I never thought I would be the one screaming for help cause I help everyone with everything but when i need someone no one is in sight... people expect me to be strong so that's what im doing I don't break down in front of people I break down in private, if I break down that's more for them to hold against me I won't let that happen cause no one else is going to break me more then I'm broken already.

Why do men have to look at me like I'm just a piece of meat they can fuck then expect me to be okay with it. I met a man about a month ago this guy told me he wouldn't leave no matter how much I Fuck up or how damaged I am. I told him about doing drugs one night and all of a sudden he started calling ne a liar and finding a way to leave. I truly seen a future with him but he left. Then texted me Tuesday to come fuck after calling me everything in the book like Fuck you man. What pissed me off the most is he said not to lie to him but he was lying to me the whole time saying i was his and for once I was starting to let someone in and he broke me yet again I thought I was stronger but I wasn't.

One day I will breath normal again and will have peace if I keep fighting just don't know how much longer I can not wait to breath again.

Dad please come back and help me get through this fucking hell I need my dad to tell me I can do this and give me a fucking hug again.

Everyday I feel like im in a dream I just want to wake up one day and go back 7 years when things made sense to me and I had no worries. When I go to sleep I wish every night I don't wake up.

Every time I feel like I can't make it anymore I listen to music it helps and I just talk to you dad and I don't want to run away but it helps when I just put my head phones in hide and act like no one else is around I don't know what else to do honestly it sucks so much being so fucking broken and you have anxiety every time you don't want to go around people cause I feel like im forever being set up for failure or something bad is going to happy just feel so gross and not worth anything. That's why I just stay in my room and act like everything is fine. It's so hard going through life scared of everything and everyone. Im so scared why do I have to be like this I wish I was never like this. I want a normal life but I don't think that will ever happen. I'm lost and no one notices the pain no one understand the hell I've been through and the pain I feel.

Can someone else take this pain so I don't have it go through this anymore I'm not the same I'm so lost and confused and I need help to get rid of all this pain and suffering I'm so lost need help can someone tell me how I can be okay I don't want to prove I can do this anymore by myself cause I can't I need help. I'm screaming help me but no one will help me.

Why am I never good enough for anyone I help everyone and always care about everyone and get nothing in return. I just wish someone notice me and say you are worth it let me help you to try and relieve all that pain and just hug me and let me cry.

I want to be alive but I'm not okay but I have no one will listen always feel like a burden on peoples on lives how do you explain hell to someone. I AM NOT OKAAAY. I feel once I do break will I have anyone there to put me back together when I need it the most. Would anyone notice tonight if I just left or will they fight with me to get out of this hell. Will anyone be there if I actually told them what is going through this fucking head of mine.

These wounds are so deeps when people tell me I'm not good enough or saying I'm fat just calling me down all the time isn't going to help me heal it's just making it easier to leave... people make it seem like me being sick I am a freak. No one wants to understand being depressed is like being sick with cancer it eats away at you and it's all in your head and it never goes away. People in my life don't understand the demons I have they pretend they do but they really don't understand any of it.

What's the point of holding on when no one knows I'm so sick cause I can't live with the demon inside me I hate holding it in but im sick of being a burden on this world they need to let me just go so I can be happy again.

Please god give me a break for a week or two I can't do this pain much longer.

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