coldwhisperinthewind

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I know I’m not meant to be with Andriy because he doesn’t give me the calm I need.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I'm so in love with you but I know I'm just delusional

I've known you since 2018 or 2019, and I fell for you so hard after a year of knowing you. I confessed over the phone, and you told me no, you don't want to be more than friends. I dated, I dated some more, I started a relationship with someone and stayed with him for over 2 years, I ended it, and I leaned on you, Stella, and Carolyn to help me cope with the end of the relationship. And then naturally, I developed feelings for you again. But I can't do long distance anymore. I don't want to confess a second time only for you to reject me a second time. I can't do another rejection again from one of my best friend.

I can only hope you find happiness and love with someone you want.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I understand I did something wrong, but there's no reason for you to tell me I am an emotionally daft person who is the cause of their own problems and to work on your own emotional instabilities.

This is all about preferences. Some people like feedback with rejection, some people absolutely hate it like this guy. There is no right or wrong, and you are allowed to have opinions. I didn't think it was rude to give feedback, but now I realize it was rude to assume.

But yeah, I think the guy's response is totally unhinged. There was no reason for me to respond at all, and I only did it because he said he wanted closure and gave him some feedback because my intention was to help him be more attractive. But now I know people don't want to hear that information unless they ask for it. He's really full of himself to type a multi-paragraph response about how I have no emotional intelligence for a complete stranger on the internet. Maybe he had a bad weekend, who the fuck knows.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I have so much anxiety.

I have anxiety about making people feel upset that I revealed things about them without their consent.

I have anxiety about using the wrong pronouns.

I have anxiety about money.

I have anxiety about losing things that cost a lot of money.

I have anxiety about messing up and having to fix things with money.

I don't know how I can calm down.

I don't know if I can blame it all on my parents, but being nearer to them definitely stresses me out.

I remember feeling incredible relief going back to Berkeley, because I was finally free.

Maybe I'll feel better if I just see my parents less.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I have so much anxiety about money.

I lost Xiongfei's AirPods at the airport, but I could try to get those back. But I would need to get AirPods again at some point.

Then I didn't rebook my Southwest flight, so I lost out on a $124 flight credit and had to pay $318 for a new one-way flight home.

So this Omaha trip cost me like $1000 in flights.

That just gives me so much anxiety.

Writing this down didn't help either because I am just reliving the trauma of having spent so much money on flights.

I could've saved a total of $150 on a $700 flight for a total of a $550 flight for the holidays which isn't bad but instead I'm spending $1000 instead.

Seriously so much anxiety and regret.

I don't know how to get over this anxiety.

I know it's because my dad would get SUPER mad that I was so stupid that I wasn't careful enough, and I would be humiliated for being stupid, and I really don't want to be stupid. I want to be clever and money-saving.

I just don't know how to stop stressing out about this money.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I think what I miss most about Kevin is he was so considerate of my time. He put a lot of effort to think about me and my needs. It just never was replicated with anyone else.

Only when we were being intimate, he sometimes pushed the boundaries when I wasn't ready. He wanted sex, and I wasn't ready.

And when we were eating breakfast the next morning when he ignored me, I didn't know what to do except hold a cat, but we adapted.

It wasn't absolutely perfect, but he clearly put a lot of effort into thinking about making me comfortable and tending to my needs.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I don't know why I feel so upset and embarrassed with what happened last night. I went to ktown thinking that I would get churros but the churros place had closed before 11pm when they said they would, and I chose to walk back to their place. I mean what did I expect? They would have fun on a Monday night? They just sat on the couch and watched food videos. The cousin went upstairs to play video games and we spent way too long watching YouTube videos on TV. Why was I there? I was intruding in their space. I should've just left way earlier. It was embarrassing. I wasted money and time. I could've called my dad to talk about car insurance or rewritten my paper to include that transport part.

I was embarrassed because he was paying so much attention to me over text and then in person, he was just..reading a book. I was like what the hell am I doing here?

[coldwhisperinthewind]

why did you bother saying such nice things to me when you knew you were going to leave

did you just activate a deep sense of abandonment within me?

[coldwhisperinthewind]

why bother saying nice things to me like how you want to give me flowers when you were going to leave

have you just activated a deep sense of abandonment within me?

[coldwhisperinthewind]

He told you that he doesn't really want to see you before you leave for nyc.

He told you that he doesn't really miss you. That he never really missed you.

That he never really liked you.

Unrequited love is a bitch.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

Every time I imagine us meeting again, for some reason it's at the BART station.

Debbie invited you to hang out, which doesn't make sense because you're not that close with her and you never really go outside.

Stella invited me to go to the same hang out, and that's how we meet.

It's always on the tracks where we meet. Then the imagination starts to diverge.

Sometimes it's Stella and I walking along the tracks trying to find Debbie when I see you. Maybe I turn around and see you before you see me or maybe you see me before I see you. Either way, I don't know how to react. I might turn around and just walk away. I might act as if nothing happened between us. I think about how if we lock eyes after five years of not seeing each other..my heart will hurt. I think if this were real life, I would freeze. Take several deep breaths and act as if nothing happened. But I would blush like crazy, unable to control myself.

Maybe you read my reddit posts and you know how I still think of you.

Maybe you don't really care because you never really cared and I'm overthinking like crazy, as usual.

I imagine us sitting down at a restaurant where there is no boundary between restaurant and sidewalk.

Sometimes, in my imagination, I am so overwhelmed that I get up quite suddenly to leave. I can't take it anymore.

Sometimes you tell me you want to try dating again.

Sometimes, you're not interested at all and my heart feels empty.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I had a panic attack in therapy today

it was about whether I had been assaulted

i felt like the way he had been talking to me implied I hadn’t done what I should’ve done and I was at fault

”we’ll it depends whether you scooted away 2 inches or if you scooted away 2 feet”

”well he respected your stop when he said stop”

”there are different forms of nonverbal consent everywhere”

and then he yelled af me for accusing him of being in cahoots with my assaulter

and I couldn’t stop crying

i thought of Kevin when I went to take a nap

i hate this class, I’m so exhausted and it’s way more work than I thought it would be

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I'm relapsing and I hate it.

I hate being in love with him.

I hate wanting to be with him.

I hate having him living rent free in my mind

I hate it I hate it I hate it

He doesn't want to be with me.

Keep the fairytale, leave him

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I don’t have anyone to talk to. I am too embarrassed to contemplate with other people whether I was assaulted. I know he didn’t have my consent. Was it the aggressiveness? Was it the pain? Or the speed?

Is moaning a sign of consent for the next step? Moaning might just be a human reaction to whatever is happening.

It’s making me question every other interaction I’ve ever had with every other ex. Because they also did things that they didn’t have explicit consent to, like Kevin or Bernard fingering me. With Kevin, he didn’t finger me until I took his hand and put it where I wanted, did what I wanted. He fingered me while he was eating me out weeks later. With Bernard, I just told him to stop or told him it hurt.

[coldwhisperinthewind]

last night I had a dream that someone gently came into bed and spooned me and it wasn’t the person I was expecting or wanted

[coldwhisperinthewind]

I’m kind of interested in talking to you a lot

[coldwhisperinthewind]

i’m so upset

i missed my credit card payment

why didn’t i fucking pay it when i was doing my expenses

i’m so stupid