coleas97

[coleas97]

End of December

And just like that, the year draws to it's quiet close, and so too does this experiment of mine. When I started writing these entries each month, I was extremely hesitant but it also felt like a promise to myself.. a commitment to slow down. But now, as December comes to an end, I'm staring down the end of it all and caught in two minds. Do I carry this on in the new year? or should I be like my therapist encourages me to be and let go which could mean letting it rest? And perhaps the toughest question I have to answer: has it helped? I'm really not sure. It may be one of those things I don't necessarily see all the benefits of until much later or when I imagine what my life would have been had I not had some sort of outlet. And it all feels quite stupid, really. Stupid but maybe necessary. Many questions remain in my head without answers, but maybe I do not have to have it figured out right now. The end of the year always feels like a mark where I should have more insight and more clarity on how my year has been. But it's just another month, really. It's continuing anyways. Just because it is December, the last of 12 months in a year, it does not necessarily mean that anything is ending or has to be definitive. I'm teaching myself to not consider the range and instead think of it as never ending and an ongoing chance, or ongoing chances, to do better.

I cannot help but be somewhat happy that it's potentially over with. I have learned that there is still processing to be done. I surprised myself with just how much I push aside and try not to think about. Before all of this I would have thought I was very head-on. Now I wonder if I should go back and revisit the moments which made me uncomfortable enough to not want to speak on them at all. I wonder if it would be smart to fill in the gaps for myself and force myself into some process of healing. Or, maybe it's kinder to myself to accept that I have work to be done and move on anyway. I do not fucking know.

January is coming, and with it, Axel’s birthday. Mine too, but I could genuinely care less about mine. It is mad to think about how quickly the years have gone by, how much he’s grown and changed. He is the reason I keep pushing forward and the reason I wake up and try to be better every day. It has been so fucking cool. It’s like I am seeing and experiencing the world for the first time over and over again. The places around town that are now familiar and dull to me, to him are exciting and colourful and something to be happy about. And therefore I have to be excited as well. And I am noticing how my inconveniences and complaints about the city we are in are his wonders. He teaches me how to live and appreciate life again and he is truly the best thing I have ever done and will ever do in my life. He thinks I am a great guy who does great things and I've always thought I was nerdy and boring. But his opinion outweighs any insecurity I may have, and for that I am grateful.

Perhaps the biggest change in recent days is that the non-mol expired quietly recently and I'm not quite sure what I was expecting. I do stick to what I've said in the past - I understand the situation as it was at the time was not good for me. She called as soon as 6 months was up. And by, "as soon as," I mean in a matter of minutes. I was unexpectedly fearful to answer but as I listened to her voicemail she was polite and careful, and I felt bad that she was anxious. And it’s strange, this mix of love and understanding. She was horrible at times and there is no sugarcoating that - but there was love, too. And God do I understand mental illness. Her parents divorce fucking her up, her brother stuck in prison, moving away from home to be with me which I imagine caused some of the resentment, uncertainty about her career, these things bring stress and heartache and I do wish I was more supportive. Maybe she thought I didn't care, but I truly did. I wanted and still want her to be happy, above all else. I tend to focus on practicality a bit too much. I think it's possible that I neglected her emotions so much so that she strayed from me for attention. At least that's what I choose to believe. But overall, her heart is so pure. I remember early on thinking how a person could be so kind. Although I am in a new relationship now, I recognize how important she is to me and given that she is Axel's mom, I do truly need her.

Speaking of, I'm in a relationship with a very wonderful lady and I suppose all that's necessary to say is that I am incredibly happy. We're moving quite slowly which is at her request, but for me it's no issue and I do enjoy the change of pace. We've yet to discuss the future, I've not met her friends or family, it's just the two of us getting to know each other and I could listen to her for hours. After years of being hurt, it's nice to be called kind and respectful and a good listener amongst other positive things. It's good to know I haven't lost those parts of myself. Or perhaps I did, and she helps me to rediscover them. Either way, she is an angel and I am grateful to have received another shot at connection. I realized how much I missed that. She works in the city and it has been joyous picking her up to drive her back to mine, watching a movie while having a cuddle, gently debating the most bizarre scenarios and laughing together. It feels quite easy and with low expectations and I enjoy that.

Life is looking up. Slowly, steadily, things are advancing. There’s work to be done, sure, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m moving comfortably in the right direction.

If this really is my last entry, then I end it simply with gratitude.

[coleas97]

Sunday, the 6th of October

October is about responsibility.

I have really had to take responsibility for my life recently. It is very difficult when you are in a place of feeling stuck and hopeless. I clung to each day simply stalling for what seemed to be the inevitable. I felt myself withering away emotionally, isolating myself as before and every second getting worse. I found it exhausting to stretch out my limbs in the morning and I dragged my feet when I walked. I felt so completely void of any kind of soul and what was once an empathetic heart has turned into something cracked and dull. I stopped caring about my son not having a father. That was the most terrifying part. This beautiful kid who has done absolutely nothing.. I just said, "So the fuck what?". I feel guilt for being a dad sometimes. I wonder if someone out there would be a better person for Axel, more emotionally stable and more deserving of taking care of him. I sometimes think I'm perfect for the job, but most of the time it's a pool of stress and insecurities drowning me each night when I sleep. Especially doing it alone. I have had to take responsibility for the behaviours I was latching onto that no longer have a purpose in my life. For him.

After what has now been months of convincing from my family and therapist, I finally gave in and joined the online meetings. I mostly listened.. but as the stories sounded more and more like my own I realized how in deep I was.. entangled by it all. I still struggle to identify myself as a victim. I have been talking to a gentleman who was in a similar situation, and my god what a help he's been. Everything I say is validated and understood and there is absolutely no judgement when I tell him how much I miss her and when he asks how I'm getting on the next hour, I 180 and tell him I want absolutely nothing to do with her. It's made me feel normal about having these ups and downs. I am always going to be in love with her, she was my dream girl at a point. Perhaps still is. But she has things to process and go through in order to make her a better human being and so do I. My new friend from the group has been great in allowing me to be responsible for my emotions and address them in a way that is open and does not suppress anything only for it to spew out in an unfamiliar form later. And I am over my ex, I really am. I see it for what it was. Toxic and abusive and although sickly and oddly fucking sexy, it was absolutely shredding my mental health. More importantly, whether I like it or not, it has to be fucking up my son mentally. Being so young and innocent, he cannot express himself and how he feels fully yet, but that does not mean he doesn't internalize what is happening. All of this becomes a part of his story too, I have to be mindful of that. I don't want him to have all these feelings built up within him that he is not able to name. I went through the same in my childhood, and it brought me to a dark place and a ton of drugs and self-destructive behaviours just to forget it all. I do not want that for him. Or for anyone, really. Peace of mind is truly all I want. I have simply been living day to day, being as present as I possibly can.

I am speaking to this girl I met the other week, she approached me at the supermarket while shopping with her niece and her niece interacted with Axel, which allowed us to have a friendly conversation about them, then about us. Casual things like where are you from, what do you do, so on. She asked for my telephone number and we've been speaking quite often. Nothing flirtatious, mostly she asks about Axel and tells me little details of her day. I am trying not to fall into the same trap and become so fixated on the qualities that would make her a potential romantic partner for me. She says I am mysterious as I tend not to willingly offer up facts about myself or my life, but that in itself is me being responsible. Intentionally putting up a guard so that my mind simply views her as a girl in the supermarket and not a potential girlfriend or future wife. Maybe, I do have "mommy issues" as my ex used to say. Or maybe just a strong desire to be stable with someone and be a complete family. It devastates me that I'm currently continuing the cycle of broken homes in my family. As a kid and as a teenager, I really did think I would be the one to change that. But I do give myself grace, as I am still young and things could turn around. I'm hopeful for that. As of now and the girl in the supermarket, she approached me in a friendly, platonic manner. She texts me in a platonic manner, too. So that is what it is. Really no need to think about her while we're not speaking or wonder what her intentions are. I am learning that I need to learn to "go with the flow" a tad more. I believed I was good at that until recently.

Being consistent with therapy is a massive responsibility that I've taken on. I told myself a year. Only a bit more to go and then I will decide if it is something I would like to continue or not. Working through issues and trying new things has been great, it's just that sometimes it actually comforts me to sulk in the shithole for a bit. Although, I suppose I can't do that if I am a father. I do not like to refer to being a father as a responsibility because I feel that word although can be positive in most contexts, carries some sort of implication of a burden. It's just that looking after and raising a little one and doing it well requires so much stability that I often don't think I have. I am trying my best. I suppose that is all that matters at the present time.

And the last responsibility I'll briefly mention. The non-molestation order is expires sometime in December. To extend it? To not extend it? I'm not able to wish her a Happy Birthday in November, and despite our challenges I would like family time with her, myself, and Axel. I believe that's important to have when you're a kid. But then again, the relief of not fighting and not having to stress about whether or not she is going to murder me in my sleep has made day-to-day life more comfortable. No drama, violence, etc. Although maybe she has changed for the better? Maybe 6 months is all she's needed and she's made an incredible transformation and we can be one big happy family. I do not fucking know. Sid and my stepmom are being extremely vocal about how I need to move on and leave her behind and therefore extend the order for another 6 months. But again, it may be only fair to give her a chance to prove herself. Especially for Axel. Not sure. Not sure about anything, really.

[coleas97]

Thursday, the 5th of September

After multiple attempts, I wish to skip September's prompt as it is triggering something within me that would be unhealthy to explore at the present time.

With that being said, I do feel happier lately.

[coleas97]

Hey x pardon my ignorance! asking for a friend of mine but how does non-molestation orders work if you share a child?

Hey. You're able to make an informal request within your application but ultimately it is the court's decision what happens with the child. I reckon this is based on the seriousnesses of the harassment/violence. In my case, she is allowed contact with our son although the facilitation of this becomes tricky since she cannot be near me. So I would have to drop him off at a friend or family member's home, I'd leave, and she would be able to get him from there. We've done that about twice now but in effort to allow her time to receive the help she needs, I am with my son most of the time.

[coleas97]

Monday, the 5th of August

I am in a similar position as before with a few minor changes. I feel good in most ways and shit in others, I am taking the separation from my wife quite hard. Some days I am filled with deep regret for enforcing the current boundaries and some days I know it is entirely for the best. I still wonder about her: what she is doing, who she is with, etc. The who she's with absolutely kills me but I try not to be hypocritical. She has not attempted to reach out to me once. Which I know she is not able to due to the conditions placed on her. However, her finding it easy to abide by the rules is out of character. I was hearing of things she has been saying about our relationship through the grapevine, which put a ton of my worries at ease. However my step mom has asked that friend to no longer give me any information. It is for the best.

In other news, the girl from America I was seeing is no longer speaking to me. As I predicted, I fucked it up with insecurities and for lack of better phrasing, being completely fucking psycho.. which she actually handled quite well. It was a strange area in between wanting her to not be so attached and wanting her not to leave.

She said she knows it's temporary and therefore that's why she is so willing to stick around as I quite literally cry over my previous relationship. This made me feel as if perhaps her feelings were not as strong as she said they were (which should not have mattered considering I've no interest in seriously pursuing her). I would suggest no longer seeing each other if she's not into me, mostly just to hear that she was, and when she'd tell me she was, I'd feel nothing. I begged her for reassurance I did not need. Constantly. She gave it to me every time. Looking back, I reckon I just wanted to hear that I was still worth her time. Or someone's time, rather. Depression and low self worth yet again manifesting within me, and wrongfully using her kindness to wash it away temporarily. I urged her to tell me she loved me during sex, she did, and I essentially used that against her. How could she say she loved me after knowing me for short time and only saying it when I asked her to? That must mean she is a disingenuous person. (A tactic of my ex). And I took that insecurity and ran with it. She cried trying desperately to defend herself and I remember feeling so shit about making her cry. The next morning I'd ask her if she's seeing other people, and she told me she was talking to others, and although the question was calculated in a way, I did not expect to be genuinely triggered by her answer. Realistically I do not actually care if she's speaking with others.. but I guess her failing to be forthcoming when I was brutally honest from the start set off my triggers from being cheated on many times. I immediately asked her to leave and told her seeing her was pointless, she said I was being hypocritical given I was still getting over my ex. I agree. I told her I wasn't going to see her again, she said she didn't care, that I'm an asshole, I strung her along, I'm emotionally unstable, etc. She was right about all of it. She tried to say goodbye to Axel on her way out, I stopped that from happening, she called me a sociopath, and stormed out. She blocked me, told Sid I was shitty to her, and Sid talked to me for about an hour and a half, essentially saying not to let my ex turn me into an evil person.

August's prompt is anger.

Anger is an interesting thing. When I was younger, I recall breaking things, yelling, etc. Now, I'm not really someone who yells or is mad in a way that mirrors an outburst.. although it does happen. I recall coming home with a scar from being in a physical fight with a mate from school, and my mom taught me that in moments of anger, completely stop. Don't think about anything, don't say anything, just stop. A few practices later, and that became something I practice even now. I allow myself the time to register that I am indeed angry, and then choose very often to do absolutely nothing about it. Often times, I find it's not worth the stress that comes along with being upset about something or at someone.

Arguments with my ex always made me question whether or not I truly knew myself. There simply is no one on this Earth who has made me as angry as she used to make me. Many times the method of simply stopping in the moment did not work, and I would react in ways I would later regret.

Many things trigger anger for me but I have noticed over the years that my feelings being ignored really sets me off. Most people have this idea of me that I am very calm, and I am in general.. however I think because of that people often tell me upsetting things and expect me to remain neutral. I believe most don't realize how easily something can upset me. I am extremely sensitive which you would only know from spending a significant amount of time with me. I am still working out how to make sensitivity a strength versus dealing with it as a struggle. It comes in handy sometimes in interpersonal relationships or in dealing with my son, but overall is something I would like help to manage. It would make a better person and more importantly, a better example.

In moments of anger, I believe I am the type to need space. At least, initially. My mind often does what it wants in terms of filling in the gaps of why something may have happened the way it did or why someone said something. To avoid this, I often need resolution as soon as possible after taking time for the initial feelings to settle. In my previous relationship, I was not given the space to calm down and therefore it would make me more heated and less rational. Then, stress. Stress of being literally followed and asked a million questions when all I needed was space. Stress of not being able to think clearly. Stress of wondering if I was making sense or not. Many things stressed me out. That's one thing I do not miss about my previous relationship. Everything operated on her time. If she wanted to talk something out, we were talking something out and I did not have a choice but to participate when she wanted to. Most times she would insult me instead of properly call for a resolution but I'd often pull her into a room or ask her to step outside with me and we'd talk it out that way. I like to be very direct when I can, and I admire that quality in others. Make it uncomfortable if it needs to be. I am okay with that.

Anger as a secondary emotion is an interesting concept to me. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. Perhaps in a calm state of mind like now, I am able to wholeheartedly agree and say that anger definitely comes from pre-existing emotions. I get angry from feeling hurt most of the time. However, in the moment when something makes me angry it gets sprung on me rather quickly and I feel it comes from nothing or nowhere. It's that something happens, anger, and then later I'm able to figure out why I got that way. Which I suppose is still in support of anger being a secondary response? Again, I'm unsure.

[coleas97]

happy father’s day, coleton - today, we celebrate you. your son is lucky to have somebody so selfless and resilient to look up to. what you are doing is not easy by any means and deserves to be recognized not just today, but everyday. hope you take the time today to rest and be with people who love you. sending you so much love and light

This is incredibly sweet, thank you.

[coleas97]

Friday, the 5th of July

Despite all challenges, I am amazed at the amount of change I can produce in short time. I am incredibly self-destructive at times but ultimately I push through and that has saved me. Therapy has been a lovely experience for me. I learn so many things and it has overall made me a calmer person. The drugs are down, the alcohol is down, the need to be vengeful is no longer there. It's me and my son now. Truly all I need. I am meant to speak of aspirations in July. I only have one, just that my son survives this horrible place and dodges all the -pain that may come along from being the son of a guy like me. His mental, physical, emotional safety is all I pray for. Speaking of, I was granted a 6 month long non-molestation order. My situation could have granted me a year-long order but I admittedly watered everything down quite a bit. 6 months without her is torture enough, I cannot imagine what a year would do to me. She is currently unable to contact me or see me. I think about her often. What she's doing, mostly. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt as if I've failed as a partner by not sticking it out and being with her. I've heard she plans on fighting the court order. There is a part of me that wants her to. Man, I worry the 6 months will come and she'll be over it. No text, no nothing. Moved on from me. I sit for hours thinking of her face. I mean it. Hours. My family says I am a victim of domestic abuse and that it will take a while for my brain to separate the infatuation from the reality. I agree that I encountered such abuse but it's the victim title that makes me want to vomit. Maybe it will take time. But I know what I am like. I've never felt so strongly about someone in my entire life and that scares me. It's as if I grew more and more attached to her the more she pulled away. That scares me as well.

Anyway, aspirations. So many random little things that I am passionate about. I have become a simple person these days, maybe after the pandemic. I aspire to be less self-deprecating. Putting myself down has always been me but I am realizing how shitty it is to be around and how unhealthy the example I'm setting is. My ex used to pinch at her waist and call herself the most horrid of names and then move on with her day like it was normal. I've witnessed her mother do the same. Insecurities and self-hatred can be taught, I've learned.

I used to aspire for much more. Now all I really care for is my son, healing, and creating positive memories. I believe I deserve that for myself. Love is very important to me. It may be horrible to say, but I want to be able to prove to myself that I am capable of giving and receiving love. Aside from the many things that come along with being in a loving monogamous relationship, I would like a success story. Perhaps that is the wrong mindset to have. The vulnerability that comes with relationships is good for me. Sid introduced me to this girl who is a friend of his cousins and is visiting for a few months from America. We've been on four dates now. I feel that I'm moving on too fast and it fucking sucks for her. She's constantly telling me it's okay, that she is alright with me being in the midst of complicated situation, that we can take it slow. However we are doing quite the opposite of "slow," speaking every day, getting grilled by her brother, and on our last date she stayed overnight.. which meant meeting Axel and leaving my cabinet full of her toiletries. I do not want a relationship at this time. It simply would not be fair. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. But I am honest about that and she knows where my head is at. I just know I'll fuck this up somehow. Or she'll get bored of me. Either way.

I've not a lot to say on aspirations quite honestly. For a long time I had none, then had too many, and now they are just basic things. I think of all the good people I've had the pleasure of knowing in my life and I aspire to be like them. Or, at the very least, have their kindness rub off on me in some way. Less cynical, more proactive, less self-sabotage, more openness. I am learning these things.

[coleas97]

Alright, June. I fucked up in May by procrastinating every single day. It was on my mind, but so were a million other things. I've been high off my head for the past few weeks. And drinking more than usual, including today, including now. And I will regret this. It's probably inappropriate and oversharing, which I told myself I would not do. I was meant to write about family for May. It pained me to write about it for many reasons. It also could not have come at a worse time. To backtrack, with permission I am sharing an email I received from my family around the 21st of April. It speaks for itself, really. I am indeed lucky to receive the type of love that never wavers, no matter how many dumb fucking decisions I make.

"Hello, Cole! We have no other way of contacting you currently so we pray you read this. In life there are many things that seem good for us in moments but in the grand scheme of things are actually to our detriment. You deserve to live a life of happiness and sometimes there is pain but it's important you make choices that give you the life you so deserve. You are in a highly abusive situation, love. You are being told to isolate yourself and forced to be in this tragic situation or be at risk of losing your child. I know you love her so dearly. But she is puppeting your life so well. Unleash yourself from these shackles, you are no longer a helpless victim. You are an adult now with choice. Please seek help in this situation if not for yourself then for Axel. If not from us then from professionals or others you trust. This breaks our hearts. Please reach out to us. We can discuss options as a family. We are here for you and we will help you and love you always. No amount of time or distance will take away the love we have for you. - Mum, Zo, Sidney x"

It was not a wake-up call at the time. I hit archive and went about my day, leaving it to be forgotten although I could not seem to forget.

The truth is: yes, I was and fucking still am absolutely besotted with her, there is no doubt. She is extremely lovely when things are well and I have always found her to be captivatingly beautiful, and it made me forgive her in a second for anything she did. No matter how much it killed me inside. Also, I married her, so giving up in my eyes was not an option. There had been so many arguments and so many heated, "let's divorce," that every mention of it started to feel almost silly. We say divorce, sometimes get everything in order with minds entirely made up, and then she pulls me back in.. sometimes with something as simple as a smile. I get flashes of us being in our young teenage years, of trips we've taken, and memories we've made. The abuse doesn't matter so much when I remember that there is a version existing within her that reminds me so much of a home I never had or got to enjoy. But in between the laughter and smiles she provides are narcissistic characteristics that become increasingly more difficult to ignore. An unwillingness to change, and how dare I for suggesting it. A suggestion for couple's therapy and I am met with her tears from assuming the therapist would tell me to leave her, and why am I always making her cry. Playing with my son meant I was prioritizing him over her and that's why she feels the need to look for attention elsewhere. So many unreasonable things I would brush off because I know what it is to struggle mentally, and I love her too much to see her hurt, even if I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong.

And yes, being abused physically, mentally, and emotionally as a 27-year-old man makes me feel extremely fucking weak. Surely I should be telling her not to speak to me that way, or restraining her when she tries to punch me, but I simply stay quiet and accept that maybe I've been wrong and harmful to her. After all, my upbringing automatically writes me off from being capable of handling a secure relationship. I start thinking that it must be me and not her. The perhaps untrue realization that I wasn't providing, satisfying, or simply loving her enough.. it's strangely emasculating. I thought I was progressive enough to not think that way but that is how I feel.

I binged Baby Reindeer the other weekend and related a stupid fucking amount. How addicted I am to trauma. I was yelling at the screen telling the main character to wake the fuck up, set boundaries, stop putting yourself in positions to be fucked up for the rest of your life. And then realized shortly after I needed to take my own advice. I pictured my family and best friend coming together and taking time out of their busy schedules to craft something so touching and non-judgemental. How years of them "yelling at the screen" ultimately turned into something not at all hateful, but the complete opposite - love and genuine concern. I feel deserving of hate. She told me my best friend was ruining her life and our relationship, and I was going against our family by being so close to him. She told me my step mom and sister not liking her was making me distant from her. I didn't agree in the slightest with any of it, but Axel. I could never fucking lose you. She threatens to take him from me many times and I tell her I'd blow my brains out if she did and I fucking mean it too. She says I'm manipulative for saying that and I agree. That's just how serious I am. Sometimes she tells me to do it, and I feel my entire body start to shake. I've no fear of dying, but fear of her not loving me anymore. She cries and snuggles up next to me later to apologize, saying she doesn't mean it and she will get help and change. I believe her every time although my heart continuously shatters. My step sister says she knew she had abusive tendencies from the moment she met her. Looking back, I think I did too. But she was fun to be around, the sex was great, and she gave birth to my son who is also my best friend. I had no choice but to choose her. I abandoned the closest people to me to choose her. So how incredibly kind of them, to care so much about me despite my willingness to discard them for a life of unpredictability.

I constantly wonder if I'm right about staying with her and people simply do not understand or if I'm wrong and they're looking out for me. But there are too many examples to prove me wrong. She's dangerous and it's quite obvious. A situation where my son is possibly in danger in any way is enough for me to strip my ego down. I do not have enough pride to risk putting him on a path of trauma. I aim to break that cycle for myself but I have an overwhelming desire to break the cycle for him. He is so innocent; he does not deserve to experience pain when I could prevent it. And it kills me that it's from his mother and possibly the love of my life but what choice do I have? I tend to stay stagnant when I have to make a difficult decision. Continuing a journey in love and possibly being with someone else means eventually introducing my son to a woman who would hopefully become a mother-figure in his life. And if I fuck up again? Then what? Imagine how completely fucked it would be if I traumatize my kid because I was chasing the wrong person? Again.

A non-molestation order. Maybe I should after all? This will ensure the safety of myself and my son. But would also potentially strip my son of having a mother. Like myself. I have tried my very best to work on the commitment I made to my wife, and it absolutely shatters me to go separate ways after many years of life together. But with the help of family and therapy, I am setting these boundaries in place because the situation is so painfully unsafe.

Using my dead mother as ammunition is an evil I cannot accept. Sometimes I think she's trying to see what my limit is. I sit quietly and wait for the anger to pass, but it does get harder to do so. I think about when she physically cheated on me for the first time. I lunged at her and it was the least proud I have ever been of myself. Also, a disappointing realization that I can absolutely be pushed to the point where I'd want to cause physical harm to someone I love, and that scares me that I have that within me. Then there's the writing hateful comments to herself, some being about our son, in order to make me feel sympathetic towards her.. another example. All this on top of the hitting, scratching, shoving, threats, etc. Not to mention the brainwashing, gaslighting, harassing, isolating, infidelity, and manipulation disguised as intimacy. It's gone too far, I do not wish to take part in this toxic situation anymore and I have absolutely no tolerance for the bullshit she exposes our son to. It is unacceptable and far beyond what I am able to manage at this time. Domestic abuse is an ugly thing that runs in my family and I would rather die than allow for that cycle to continue and for my son to see that his mother's definition of love includes treating people like they are disposable nothings. She had a kid with me because she knew she'd gain a significant amount of control over me, that much is clear. And I'm so fucking stupid sometimes, I put the dream of being a young dad before making sure I'm raising a kid in a stable environment with a stable person. But then if not for being with her, I wouldn't have Axel specifically. It's all confusing. I just know that I respect love too much to be with someone who wants to fuck other guys, or break every promise we've ever made just to test if I love her enough to chase her afterwards. I'm done chasing her. That's it, really. What's mine will be mine and will be effortless, and I refuse to be chained to someone so fucking cruel.

I have issues with insecurity and jealousy and I am working on it. I have communication issues and I am working on it. I have trust issues and I am working on it. I can't cope with anything the right way and I am working on that too. I am fucking working on a lot of things because I want to be better but also because she needed me to. And now I'm left looking stupid with a long list of problems to fix while she does whatever the fuck she wants. God, is this love? Or maybe love doesn't exist and I'm wrong about it all. I don't know a fucking thing. I chill with my son until he sleeps and then get pissed drunk and debilitatingly high and wonder where she is and what she's doing and who she's with and why she doesn't seem to even like me anymore. I wonder if it's something that I did or the problem is truly with her like my family seems to think it is. I love her so much that it fucks with my head. I don't know how I fucked up this badly. I'll probably be back with her in a few days, that's just how it goes. We're a happy family, something fucked up happens, I kick her out, she apologizes and promises a better future, then we bang it out and I'm back leaving flowers at her job or buying her shit. I am such a fucking simp, honestly. I am pathetic when it comes to her. Or when it comes to anything. I get obsessed with shit and I just clench my fists so fucking tight that she'd have to die for me to truly let her go. That's terrifying to think about. She hurts me the most. She has caused me the most pain I've ever felt in my entire life and still, it's all I want sometimes.

Anyway, June's prompt was nowhere near any of what I've mentioned. I just needed something to do until the high wears off so I don't do the alternative. I hate to be one of those people, but this will likely be gone after a short time.

[coleas97]

Monday (Tuesday), the 1st (2nd) of April

I write this at almost 4am so how is that for letting go? I have been in a low mood and with many things going wrong in my life at this moment, I have not exactly been itching to write.

In April, I am to write about change. As the weather gets slightly less grey, I suppose the sentiment is that so do I. Admittedly, this is the first month I feel doing this is a "task" and therefore, I am less concerned about the long-term benefit. I reckon that's depression creeping it's way in.. trying to take over my life again. Hence, why I'm up at near 4am. My son is asleep peacefully and I keep anticipating a middle-of-the-night cry, or a nightmare, or something. Which feels dark of me, but also speaks to my desire to be needed. I am listening to music with only one ear covered. All I hear is the hum of the refrigerator, though.

Anyway, change. It's a scary thing for me, although I do enjoy the excitement to a certain extent. Again, I am generally someone who thrives when there is order to things. I need to know every detail to feel comfortable in any given situation, and once things are set in stone I feel uneasy with things falling out of order.

There are many times in which I am forced to change. Becoming a father is one example. Seeing his face was enough to know that there were many things I need to straighten out. I cannot fathom being a "lesser" version of myself while someone like my son exists. The fear of fucking up his life is very strong and I refuse to let it become a reality. He deserves to live in a world that continuously lifts him up even if his mom and dad are not perfect. I want to learn every tool and know every resource to pass on to him. He will cope with any situation better than I ever could. Because it's inevitable, really. Trauma seems to find me and I imagine that my son will come into contact with it, even vicariously. However, where I would normally allow myself to sink lower, I am willing to change now and read when I'm confused, sleep when depressive, run when anxious, etc. Tonight being the exception, of course. There is too much going on.

In conclusion, I am learning about the importance of change. I get comfortable in situations rather easily. Being a single father is a change I will have to get used to. Being less in control is something I will have to get used to. Having less people in my life for whatever reason is something I will have to get used to. That's life, I suppose. I am trying my best to embrace it all.

I also want to quickly say thank you very much for the kindness I have received from friends and family. I am doing this moreso for myself and Axel than for an audience, but the words of encouragement do help and I am appreciative. Some comments are very personal and specific. That is okay and I will say thank you, but take no offence to the lack of wordiness I may respond with or the lack of response altogether.

Cheers

[coleas97]

proud of you coleton xx

Hey, thank you :)

[coleas97]

Wednesday, the 21st of February

As expected, it is confirmed to be not a good thing for me to be completing the prompts early. It gives into my anxiety and need to be structured and in control. My challenge for the rest of the year is to be "looser," or to learn to simply go with the flow. The idea of that frightens me. So until then.. structure.

In March, I am meant to speak of green emotions also known as: envy. I would like to believe that I escape feelings of jealousy but unfortunately, I find that it takes over me in unconventional ways. Within interpersonal relationships, I am not one to engage in long lines of questioning. My best mate speaks of his head spinning and blood boiling during jealous fits, I am unfamiliar with those feelings. However, in being brutally honest, I am wildly possessive. I wish for what's "mine" to be "mine." When in love, I give my all and expect the same back. I find that I am attracted to those who are wild and free-spirited and although exciting, it is absolutely terrifying when they wish to live a life that doesn't require the need to be physically around me often. I believe my form of jealousy is a fear of missing out, a fear of rejection, and perhaps a fear of not being needed. I also tend to reflect behaviours a partner may be demonstrating towards me. If my phone is being looked through, I am likely to look through phones. If I am being restricted, I am likely to restrict others. I am unsure of why this happens. The mother of my son often labels me as petty, and says I am talented in pettiness. Those labels make me sad and ashamed. However, I find there is lack of choice once my emotions take over. To work on controlling my emotions if and when I am hurt by something or someone, perhaps more time to reflect would help or more direct communication. I probably fear appearing as weak since I am often labelled as sensitive. Sensitivity, in my opinion, is a strength.. but others see it as overwhelming and I try very hard not to overwhelm others. Fear of being a burden is an underlying struggle that I often choose not to face head-on.

My last relationship resulted in infidelity on their part. Infidelity triggers my abandonment issues, my childhood trauma, my anxiety, and much more. I have forgiven infidelity within the relationship in the past, and so badly wish I hadn't. I was overcome not so much by jealousy, but a deep-rooted pain and a desire to inflict that pain back onto her. That may also be a form of jealousy, maybe? If a one-off situation (although it may still be painful) I am likely to sulk or take a break. But the repeated instances.. the accumulation of pain and the frustration of being involved with someone who believes that they can do whatever the fuck they want with absolutely no regard for my feelings or loyalty, is what drives me to make petty, impulsive decisions. I do not think of how my retaliation affects others in the moment, but I always do after the fact. I often put myself down for allowing myself to feel regret, as I'm not sure that those who hurt me regret doing so. In writing this, I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I treat others how they treat me.. I believe in hopes of "showing" them their behaviour.. as if to make them realize that it's harmful. I thought maybe that was the smart and mature thing to do but I am quickly realizing that it isn't. It may be a waste of time and energy and moving forward, I hope to stop that and instead, immediately leave a negative situation. There is no need to prove a point: an "Aha!" moment.

When it comes to material things or physical or personality traits, I believe I never feel jealousy. I think of this as unhealthy, as I believe it's more human to compare yourself than it is to be totally content with what you have or what you look like. I do not necessarily think of myself as intelligent or handsome or anything. However, I was raised by a mother and eventually a step-mother, who would reassure me of those things often. I am lucky in never feeling insecure about my abilities and always believed that I could do what I put my mind to. With the exception of my son, I am concerned about things that cannot be held in your hands or seen in a mirror, such as love, kindness, respect, perseverance. I genuinely rarely think about the rest. I don't believe I have ever wanted something that someone else had or thought I my life would be better if I possessed something I didn't have already. I am extremely grateful for that.

I suppose that's all I have to say, really. Work in progress, to sum it up.

[coleas97]

Monday, the 22nd of January

Completing my prompt for February early, as I am unlikely to have the time to complete it at a later date. Is planning this early problematic? Potentially. Anyway. February, the month of love. Some sentences are choppy; I have little to say about some of the sub-prompts. Cheers

February: What is your first memory of being loved and how has that challenged or supported your idea of love today?

As a first memory of being loved, the easiest and most obvious answer is the love I unconditionally received from my late mother. She was strong and selfless and put everything aside to make others feel better. Going through the heartbreaking times that she did, she never once showed a sign of weakness or helplessness. She was my perfect example of love. At first, losing her felt like the love I had received throughout my younger years was for nothing. I remember feeling new emotions of hurt that I did not even know was possible for a human being to feel. After time, I was able to hold on to the love that she gave me and take it not as a thing of loss, but an example of how it is of vital importance to put your entire heart into something or someone, as it or they can be taken away from you in an instant. Everyone who I choose to have in my life gets 110% of me regardless of the fear I have that they may eventually leave.

From my father, I felt love at times and in other times, did not at all. It was given to me then taken away, sometimes in the span of minutes. He taught me that love can be dishonest and manipulative. Apologies were in the form of new toys, or "man-to-man secrets," which I would later know was just his manipulative way of teaching me that if he sneaks a woman into the house, it's okay not to tell my mother. Love from my father was and is something I choose not reflect on often. I do not think highly of him and for many years, did not think of him at all. I always say that I was born knowing what it was like to have a dead parent, as my brain never registered him to be a care-giver, or a friend, or a provider. Although physically present, he was absent-minded. A ghost, really.

As for romantic relationships, the first time I felt love was with my first ever girlfriend, who for privacy will be referred to as "N." She was beautiful, kind, and heavily reassuring. Our relationship took place in a time when we were both naive and focused on the wrong aspects of life (wrong to me, at least). N was my first experience with many things and was with me until a bit before my mom's passing. As time went on, I began to take interest in the more emotional aspects of being a relationship vs. the physical and materialistic. After losing my mom, I needed emotional support and I often felt "too much" for another person to handle in a romantic setting - which at the time, I believed was meant to be all fun and enjoyment. I shy away from temporary romantic situations with women; I shy away from temporary friendships with anyone as well. I do not feel loved in temporary situations.. in fact, I feel afraid, insecure, and frankly (and perhaps harshly) disgusted. I appreciate and require all relationships with people to be long-term and goal-oriented. To become my friend is to be there for each other forever, to date me is to marry me. My ears shut off after anything that mirrors the phrase "go with the flow." I am painfully structured and organized, and to say it plainly, I need to know where things will go in any and every situation. A control freak, maybe. My relationship pattern is to be intense and codependent, but full of love nonetheless. I would say I am successful at acquiring relationships with others and unsuccessful at maintaining them. Those who last long in my life are often those who struggle to let people go, not that they would want to leave.. or perhaps they would? I try not to think about those things often. Not sure what to say.

Parents and romantic relationships aside, nothing will really ever compare to the love I receive currently from my son, Axel. He has so much personality, humour, and intelligence, at his young age. He cries when he is happy, he smiles at strangers, he looks up at me with so much admiration.. I truly want to be the best possible human being for him. I want him to live his life fully free of pain, although I know that is unrealistic. I suppose all that matters is that he knows that I'm there for him. He recognizes that he has a mother and father who love him unconditionally and that is all I could ask for, really.

Overall I reckon I've given love more than I've received it (although my son most definitely makes up for any losses). I am self-admittedly a love addict and hopeless romantic. Love is one of those aspects of life I continuously seek and once found, latch onto. I struggle to know if this is a negative or positive thing. For now, it can be a positive.

So after all that, I don't know that I answered the question. Fingers crossed that this is good enough for my therapist to dissect come Thursday morning.

[coleas97]

Sunday, the 7th of January: 2024 Objective

As recommended by my therapist, I aim to keep track of my progress in answering reflective questions given to me. I aim to answer them all to the best of my ability for the year 2024 (and perhaps beyond).

Current Feelings:

Fucking vulnerable. This may or may not be a good idea just as it may or may not be necessary. I am a highly emotional man but struggle to open up. I am anxious about using an online platform as opposed to writing or recording.. especially, an online platform previously lightly associated with some of my traumatic experiences. However, in doing so, I aim to "kill" what haunts me.

Intent:

My intention is to improve my communication in order to life positively and above all, to be a better man for my son.

For friends and family who are invited to follow this journey of mine (or at least, for now):

Abandoning previous online practices, I do not wish to engage in overly personal conversations about my personal life.. although words of encouragement will always be appreciated.

Cheers