coleconnerhq

[coleconnerhq]

 valeriasfm​:

         ‘  hey  ,   hey  ,   hey  -  ’   she  can  see  the  panic  going  through  those  ocean  eyes  and  thinks  that  maybe  ,   maybe  actions  can  show  more  than  words  right  now  .   and  she  takes  in  his  reaction  ,   has  the  sudden  urge  to  hold  him  yet  AGAIN  before  sighing  .   girl  will  tuck  a  lock  of  hair  behind  her  ear  ,   eyes  flickering  to  his  cane  and  seeing  his  hands  pearl  white  with  how  hard  he’s  holding  onto  that  cane  of  his  .   valeria  sutton  realizes  while  she’s  been  traumatized  these  past  few  years   (  and  then  some  )  ,    these  past  two  years  must’ve  taken  a  toll  on  her  too  .   god  ,   if  kass  was  dead  she’d  be  rolling  in  her  grave  right  now  .   ‘  cole  ,   cole  -  just  focus  on  me  for  a  second  .  ’    she  can’t  imagine  what  that  would  be  like  for  him  ,   crystalline  gaze  searching  his  ,   as  if  either  of  them  have  the  answer  to  their  situation   (  they  don’t  )  .   and  they’re  both  so  young  ,   forced  to  grow  up  so  fast  ,   finding  solace  in  each  other  -  that  val’s  forgotten  how  much  she  doesn’t  know  .   but  there’s  one  thing  for  sure :   she  knows  how  she  felt  .   feels  .   will  feel  .   even  if  he’s  not  her  last  love  ,   he’s  certainly  still  her  FIRST  love  .   not  to  mention  -  they  also  technically  never  broke  up  .     so  where  does  that  leave  them  now ?  

       her  hands  have  a  mind  of  their  own  ,   will  reach  up  to  cup  his  jaw  ,   goes  slow  to  give  him  a  chance  to  pull  away  .   and  when  they  land  ,   thumb  rubs  on  the  edge  of  his  jaw  .    ‘  i  know  ,   i  believe  you  cole  ,   okay ?  ’   she  knows  nothing  but  wanting  to  be  OKAY  again  ,   and  him  to  be  okay  just  the  same  .   strawberry  blonde  thinks  of  all  the  times  he’s  told  her  about  his  parents  and  the  ravens  ,   the  beach  included  .   those  were  him  .   it  was  harry  .   it  was  this  NEW  version  of  cole  that’s  so  brave  ,   so  hurt  ,   and  so  kind  .   and  she  got  that  part  of  him  when  no  one  else  could  ,     from  day  one  .    ‘  you  didn’t  close  them  off  completely  .   i  still  know  them  ,   i  still  know  the  stories  you  told  ,   and  i  know  you  .  ’   she  knows  him  so  well  it  hurts  ,   and  perhaps  THAT’S  what  made  her  react  like  she  did  during  the  initial  reveal  .    ‘  even  if  it’s  not  up  here  -  ’   and  she  removes  one  hand  from  his  face  to  tap  his  temple  ,   before  moving  it  to  where  his  heart  is  and  laying  it  flat  against  his  chest  .    ‘  maybe  you  knew  it  here  .   otherwise  …  i  don’t  think  you’d  be  reacting  like  this  .  ’   a  sad  smile  upon  her  lips  as  she  nods  ,   pats  his  chest  twice  before  slowly  moving  to  pull  her  hand  away  .    ‘  i  can’t  think  of  any  other  reason  why  she  would  willingly  let  all  of  you  in  -  and  i’m  not  trying  to  make  this  about  us  ,   i  swear !  ’   it’s  just  the  truth  and  the  truth  ,   as  professor  lizzo  says  ,   hurts  .   or  doesn’t  hurt  right  now  ,   in  their  case  .    ‘  you  know  me  ,   cole  .   present  tense  .   i’m  right  here  .   i’m  in  that  picture  with  you  ,   and  i’m  here  now  .   this  is  the  same  lifetime  .   right  now  .  ’   and  maybe  they  should  focus  on  that  for  ONCE  in  their  lives  .   it’s  just  this :   it’s  one  version  where  they  weren’t  ruined  by  this  world  ,   and  another  where  they’re  on  the  brink  of  being  ruined  ;   but  the  common  factor  is  each  other  ,   then  and  now  .  

Her voice— Val’s voice, the voice of the girl he’s sure he’ll love for the rest of his life— feels like a memory, something just around the corner, something so close though he feels like he can’t fully reach out for it. It makes him think of salt air and dew on morning grass and the sweet and icy cold of watermelon on his tongue. Hearing her voice again, after the revelation of the photo in his hand, he can almost see that memory in his mind again, and it makes him feel tethered amongst the weightlessness. It’s strange, the way that seems to begin to cement the truth of their past, to unlock it for him, but opening memories of his childhood, Cole’s not sure there’s a gentle way to do it. Even if the best attempt is delicate fingers pulling slowly at knotted twine, the result can’t be anything but anxious hands twisting against rattling doorknobs. It’s not delicate, it’s unearthing buried picture frames, dusting haphazardly at the dirt staining them. But her voice, as much as it begins to remind him of at least this one memory, brings him peace. Cole comes out of the storm at sea, and he finds her gaze, and as he looks at her eyes, he feels something cold on his cheek when Virginian breeze blows past them, and he realizes only then that tears had been welling, that they’d escaped without him knowing.

He’s silent, still as a marble statue when her hand slowly reaches for his face, and he’s sure that he’ll break when her soft fingers touch his skin, but he doesn’t. This feels like another test, like something he doesn’t deserve, like they’re both committing a crime by being together here like this with her hand on his face, both of them vulnerable, but he can’t bring himself to stop it, not when he’s missed her touch for too long. I believe you. His throat tightens again, and without wanting to, he closes his eyes, surrendering himself to the rest of his vulnerability, to her, as another tear falls along the curves of her hand. Cole listens to her words, not completely understanding why she speaks with such softness, with such grace, and he can’t form any words himself, not when she removes her hand and places it against his chest, like she’s trapping the beating of his heart against her palm. She does finally bring it back to her side, and he wishes he had the right to reach for it again. Val gives so much reasoning, so much kindness to all of this new revelation, but he can’t find any of the right words to respond. Finally, his voice small and creaky, he says, “I’m so sorry.” It’s a quiet start, but it’s so hard to get anything out, that it’ll have to do, if she can allow him to keep going. “I know you because you let me. You let me in, showed me all of you, found a place in your heart for me, and I betrayed all of that, Val... You’ll never know how sorry I am for that, and I don’t know that I can even begin to ask for your forgiveness.” He’d spent that night in the cell still lying to her because he thought they’d never see each other again, that it would be merciful to allow her the chance to burn their bridge, but he’s so tired of falsifying the way he feels for her. Even if it’s far past too late, he doesn’t want to give her anything but the truth now. “But you do... know me. Me, Cole, Harry, whoever it is that’s standing in front of you. You know me, you helped make this person whole, I am who I am because of you. When I arrived at Gallagher, I was just a ghost. Empty. No one. And you, along with everyone else, you’re who made me human. That’s the person you know.” Though his voice is stronger now, his throat begins to tighten again, but he won’t allow himself to stop. “It wasn’t... He was real. I was real. The boy who found a home here, and reasons to breathe again, and learned to be in love. Fell in love with you...” Cole looks at Val, her ocean eyes reflecting his own, her hair haloed in a faint golden glow from the lights behind her, just like she had been the first time they’d found themselves on this balcony. The first moment he’d begun to fall for her. Cole wishes he could take everything back that came after that moment, redo it and try in vain again to find the path that wouldn’t destroy them. He would do it, run himself ragged through every possibility until he found the right one. But he can’t go back, he can only move forward, he can only stay true to the person he had become since then. “...The boy who’s still in love with you.”

[coleconnerhq]

We made it

[coleconnerhq]

musaox​:

He looks down at his hands because there’s nowhere else that feels safe to lay his eyes upon. Wishing that they belonged to someone else, someone that Cole would feel proud to call his. “I know that you care about me. Please, if I didn’t know that I wouldn’t have gone back for you after what you said to me in the cell.” Despite the fact that the words replayed over and over again in his mind. Though the way that Cole cared for Owen wasn’t the same, it wasn’t what he needed at the moment and even if the other boy thought him selfish for it, he knew what was best for him was to leave now. They could try to pick up where they left off further in the future but right now the sting of it all was too much for him. “Clearly you have me.” Wasn’t he the only one who had gone out to save him, not once but twice, anyway? Again, he almost wants to laugh at the entire situation though it’s more of a bitter feeling. He’s not asking for anything in return from Cole, that isn’t the type of person he is, he has never had to demand anything from him in order to know how he feels. But he does know if he doesn’t get space in this moment, he’s going to go insane. Even if it isn’t fair to compare the feeling of losing friends like Ria or losing Monique to what was happening with Cole, it felt the same. It hurt as much as hearing everything Monique had said to him in the library. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” Owen shrugs, still not daring to meet his gaze though the tears are clearly flowing down his face now. More than anything he wishes that he could disappear, that the other boy wasn’t standing there or that they had never met. It’s a temporary wish because he knows that the joy of knowing Cole and being a part of his life is far stronger than any negative emotions he could have linked to their friendship. “I’ll see you around or whatever…” He hopes that by promising some sort of future encounter that the other boy will finally let him leave and he can go somewhere where his tears can flow freely. Despite the connection that the two of them share this no longer feels like a safe space. After a beat, giving himself a couple of seconds to desperately attempt to collect himself, he looks up. Seeing the hazy figure of Cole standing before him, eyes clouded by the tears still forming. There are many things Owen has been doing lately that seem uncharacteristic of him and they all link back to Cole. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, he longer knows, but in the moment his actions have always felt good and they’ve always felt right. Almost as if he knew that everything was about to feel as if it were falling apart therefore it didn’t matter all that much. He’s falling apart faster than he can attempt to put himself together. “I’m the one who’s sorry.” The words are barely audible, a shaky step taken towards him, closing a distance that once felt like mere inches and now resembles an ocean. His hands belong to someone else, someone far braver, someone who believes Cole could feel proud to call his. Someone else cups Cole’s cheek, the softest spot in the world, a feeling quickly replaced by the taste of his lips against his own. This is the softest spot in the world. 

A part of him thinks he should have fought harder to keep Owen at an arm’s length in the last couple months. Maybe it would have spared him. But he’s played this cruel game with him before, and with every other person in his life, and Cole knows that he’ll always end up losing. He can’t, shouldn’t protect people from the truth. “Then I just wish you knew you have me, too,” Cole says, eyes gently looking up to his. It’s just not enough for the other, is it? It’s quiet in the room and in his mind, every other thought vanishing in perfect stillness. The water quiets, waits for him to make a decision, but Cole doesn’t get the chance before Owen closes the distance between the two of them and roaring waves crash against every part of him when their lips meet, knocking any last bit of air he had left. It catches him so much by surprise, he loses grip of the cane in his left hand. Stumbling for only a moment under his own weight, and the weight of this between them, he has no other choice but to reach with desperate hands, clinging onto the fabric of Owen’s shirt, grasping onto him for life, breath hitching against him. If he lets go, he’ll fall, but Cole wonders if he’ll drown if he continues to hold on, too.

He can’t explain it. He knows with certainty this is not the person he’s in love with. But love isn’t limited to just in love. The walls of this place are suffocating in so many ways, but he can’t ever hope to hate them, because in their safety was where he learned all the different ways love could open him, break him, return him to life. It doesn’t exist just in Val, and her hopeful peace that had made him human. It exists in Mary, and her bright, all-encompassing friendship. Kass’ care that beckons like family. Rizo’s laughter, so natural and freeing. Luna’s kind, forgiving wisdom. The camaraderie of Eva, Christian, Carmichael, Cecilia. The words of his favorite book. The faces of Harry and Grace Dahl preserved in his memory, and the beach they used to take their son to. And it exists in the man with him right now. He loves him. It’s not the way Owen hopes for, the way he deserves, but Cole loves him, and he can’t ever hope to deny it. Maybe he doesn’t know anything, but he believes with such fervor that a love between friends is just as precious, just as holy as anything else. It still blossoms within him, still saves him, still makes him burn with longing to return any bit of that salvation he had given him. And maybe that’s why, with quiet tears falling down from his closed eyes, the warmth of Owen’s skin under the violent touch of his hopeless hands, Cole kisses him back. And even as much as his love for his friend fills him from the deepest parts of his heart, with his lips against Owen’s, feeling a new kind of bottomless despair, he knows it. They’re both sinking.

[coleconnerhq]

valeriasfm​:

          he  said  her  name  .   she  won’t  comment  on  it  ,   doesn’t  want  him  to  take  it  back  ,   for  she  wants  to  relish  in  this  small  normalcy  that’s  been  provided  by  this  balcony  .   it’s  their  safe  place  ,   she’s  beginning  to  realize  ,   and  it’s  one  they  won’t  have  for  very  long  .   it  feels  as  if  time is running out  and  she ?  she  needs  to  hurry  up  and  say  something  before  it’s  too  late  .   whilst  cole’s  truth  had  a  shelf  life  ,   so  did  val’s  ,   and  she  had  to  commit  to  it  now  .   she  moves  closer  without  realizing  it  ,   bare  arms  brushing  against  his  coat  as  she  does  so  ,   heart  beating  a  mile  a  minute  .   she  hopes  he  can’t  hear  it  .   or  maybe  she  does  ,   maybe  she  hopes  she  doesn’t  have  to  say  anything  at  all  and  everything  would  get  figured  out  on  it’s  own !  except  such  things  are  only  wishful  thinking  ,   and  she  knows  she  can’t  hold  him  anymore  ,   as  much  as  she  so  desperately  yearns  to  .  

         ‘  that’s  …  this  is  harry  dahl  .  ’    slender  finger  points  to  the  young  boy  in  the  picture  ,   voice  not  wavering  once  as  she  does  so  ,   signs  of  her  inner  bravery  coming  through  .    ‘  and  …  that’s  kass  and  i  .   we  -  we  spent  a  summer  together  ,   cole  .  ’   back  when  things  were  looking  brighter  for  all  three  of  them  .   she  looks  up  at  him  ,   taking  in  those  handsome  features  she’s  spent  the  past  two  years  in  love  with  -  yeah  ,   that  doesn’t  just  GO AWAY  either  .   she  wonders  if  it  ever  will  .   val  doesn’t  want  it  to  ever  go  away  ,   though  .    ‘  it  was  a  good  summer  too  .   i  mean  -  those  watermelons  look  amazing  .  ’   offers  him  a  small  smile  ,   if  only  to  lighten  the  mood  ,   because  they  deserve  something  peaceful  ,   don’t  they ?    ‘  i  just  -  i  don’t  know  .   i  remembered  the  moment  you  said  dahl  and  it  all  sorta  clicked  .  ’    like  they  were  meant  to  be  ,   dare  she  say  SOULMATES  ?   she  just  hopes  she  doesn’t  lose  this  one  ,   it’d  be  so  sick  of  the  universe  to  do  that  to  them  after  all  they  been  through  .    ‘  my  mom  knew  it  was  you  ,   from  the  beginning  .  ’    a  sort  of  savior  of  the  last  surviving  dahl  ,   she  supposed  .   which  also  meant  one  more  final  thing  .   the  suttons  ,   one  way  or  another  ,   would  be  tied  to  the  dahls  -  and  would  take  care  of  them  like  their  own  .   even  if  it  was  just  harry-cole  .   her  mom  had  made  that  crystal  clear  .    ‘  so  …  what’s  going  on  through  that  head  of  yours ?  ’  

With the soft warmth of her arm brushing against his, Cole notices belatedly how close she is now, realizing she hasn’t been in such a long time. It used to be second nature to the both of them, to hold a touch or simply find themselves near one another without even thinking, a comfort he’d taken for granted. He’s unsure for a moment if he’s supposed to step away, if this is a test of his endurance. But every part of him longs for her, and he can’t will himself to move. When he looks back to her, Cole can see the pattern of her dark lashes against porcelain skin, the individual glimmering shards of sea-glass in her eyes, and pick up the sweet scent of lavender that floats from her. He knows he’d never forget her face, but he was worried the smaller details would start to fade from his memory the longer they kept their distance. Fearing that might still be in his future, a part of him begins to commit the image of her before him now to his memory, taken like a snapshot, like the one still in his hand.

As she speaks it into existence, he knows she’s right. The boy he sees staring back him in the photo is himself, many years younger, many traumas yet to be lived, untouched of all that pain and suffering. The truth of it holds him in place, his other hand holding hard onto the cane supporting him, scared that the world would begin to fall away from him again. It doesn’t make sense to him, like he’s staring at a fabricated scene, and he’s too scared to speak until she asks him to. So lost in the way this photograph makes him feel, he misses the softness in her tone, the way she offers a faint smile, though if he’d seen it, he would have been able to ease his heart. “...I didn’t know. Val, I barely... I barely remember this now,” he starts quietly, breathless and fragile, begging her to believe him as he jumps to the fearful thought that she might think he’s been saving this ace up his sleeve the whole time, waiting for the right moment to use it. “I’ve spent so long closing off my old life, holding on to just the ravens or the beach or my parent’s faces. Everything else is... another lifetime, another person,” Cole explains, and she’s the only person he can tell, she’s the only one who’s ever heard pieces of those memories, the only person he’s ever entrusted them to. He’d only ever pulled at select memories when he’d needed them, anything more had always made him afraid he would fall apart at the seams, like he would break down if he remembered the life he’d been living since then was not meant to be his own, was a nightmare compared to the childhood of an innocent boy. “Your mother knew,” he says, weighing that information in his head. “I don’t... I don’t know what this makes me. I know it can’t change who I am, who I became... all the things I’ve done since then,” Cole says sadly. “But I knew you... in another world, another lifetime. I knew you.” He looks to the picture again, to Harry Dahl, his words taking on a fervor, needing to believe them himself.

[coleconnerhq]

kassamigos​:

        KASS LIKES TO THINK SHE’S A GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER. claire would probably disagree, especially after everything that’s happened in the past few weeks, but she believes strongly that she can tell when someone is bullshitting her or not. case in point — she WANTS to believe that cole is bullshitting her, that these are more pretty lies he’s feeding her to let her guard down, but her gut refuses to let her believe that. of course, her gut’s been wrong before, and there’s no stronger proof than finding out cole was a double agent. torn between her head and her heart, all she can do is watch him with round green eyes, hoping to catch something in his face that would give her all the answers on what to think.   “ don’t compare me to you, ”   her eyes narrow, voice coming out a hiss of a whisper. maybe she’s not thinking about what val wants, but she’s thinking about what she NEEDS. but that fierceness doesn’t stick, eyes betraying her as they soften listening to him. kass doesn’t doubt that his life’s been hard, and she’s glad that he had escaped a future paved in decisions he wouldn’t have been making. she CARES about him, even if she doesn’t want to. kass just cares for her sister more.   “ you have to understand, ”   she tells him, trying to blink back tears, but they call silently anyway. her hand moves quick to wipe them away.   “ i’d be an idiot to just believe you after everything. ”

He’d known to expect that his suggestion would set her off, and he knows anything he ever had with Val is not the same as sisterhood. He’d always admired what the two girl have as siblings, that they could always rely on each other, always have the safety of family in each other’s arms and hearts. He’d longed for it, wished for family of his own. And he knows the actions Kass takes are in an effort to protect, but Cole’s been trying to do that too, and it all still feels like he isn’t giving Val the freedom she deserves, the trust to make her own decisions. He looks to Kass, and he can’t ever be mad at her for how she’s hurting. The awful part is he does understand, and that dawns on him as he nods, eyes stinging with the acceptance that her guarding her heart is a strong choice, the choice he’d want her to make if it were anyone else. “And you’re far from that. In fact, you’re one of the smartest girls I’ve ever met, so... maybe that’s the right choice, Kass,” he says quietly with a small, sad smile, willing for the tears not to fall, but it’s harder when he can see her wiping at her own. “I just... I don’t want to be the reason you see your goodwill as a flaw. Your kindness does not make you a fool,” Cole tells her. It might be hard to accept if she thinks he’s only saying it so she could offer it him, but he hopes he can hear the honesty in his voice. He knows that might be hard, but right now, there is no pretense from him, no distant politeness, no fearful hesitance. Just his words, eyes brimming with his raw emotions. “Kass... I love her. And I don’t think I'll ever stop loving her. And I refuse to lie to myself... or lie to her. I’m sorry.”

[coleconnerhq]

musaox​:

“I don’t think that any of this has been easy for you.” Owen states simply. “….but you had to have at least guessed that this was one of the outcomes. You had the preparation of knowing. I didn’t have to know anything to believe in you.” Which only made every time that someone questioned him all that much more difficult to navigate. If he’d been in on his big secret from the beginning as so many assumed then it would’ve been logical. Maybe he would have feared that they’d think he was also involved but he was willing to lie and take not only partial blame but all of the blame for the boy standing in front of him. For someone who had never afforded him the truth in return until it was the last resort. “I don’t regret any of it either, I’m not trying to tell you I….” Well, there’s nothing else he’s trying to tell him aside from what he already has. Hoping that that will make him understand it all better or at least understand the past month better despite the fact that Owen himself can barely wrap his mind around what any of it truly means. 

Just the act of standing in the same room as him feels suffocating. A room where they’d shared so much. Where they had always bonded with Eden who afterwards hadn’t even wanted to exist in the same space as Owen. Nothing was the same and he didn’t understand why Cole was trying so hard for the two of them to be the one thing that remained. He knows that his friendship without any of the added emotions would have still led him to that night, to helping the double agents escape because a part of him believes it was the right thing to do. Even from a distance someone can see how he cares for him. “You don’t have to say anything.” As if there’s anything to say. “Look, you can just forget about this….I’m leaving soon anyway and you won’t have to deal with it.” There’s a myriad of tiny pools he’s trying to not let slip out because the last thing he wants to do right now is cry when he’s trying to give Cole an out. Without giving it a second thought he finally stops any façade of focusing on the clothing and instead steps around him and towards the door. “You can have some time in the room if that’s what you need. I have to go return a book, anyway.” 

“I tried... I tried to protect you,” Cole starts, voice wavering. It’s all just a reminder again that as much as he’s tried to protect the people he cares about, he’s dragged them down with him, all of it seemingly for nothing, and it’s all on him. It’s crushing and it’s familiar, and he hates most of all that it’s weighing on the both of them. He’d been such a fool to think Owen was a solace, that they could walk through their lives after all that hell like things were okay. Had he been living another lie for the past month? Clinging to some desperate sense of normalcy while the both of them continued to suffer beneath smiles? “I didn’t want any of this for you, Owen. I didn’t want to let you in to the point where you couldn’t turn back. I knew how I might end up, and I tried so hard to keep you free of me,” he says. It’s hard to accept, but Cole feels that familiar sentiment again, that here is another person he’d do anything for, and in the end, they’d have been better off never knowing him. Was all he could ever give them pain?

The confession Owen offers him feels like an answer to that question. He’s stunned into a lonely silence, and Cole isn’t sure what to say, or what to even think. His mind tries to map it, to pull at memories and conversations and try to point to the places where he might have recognized it and it all might make sense with perfect clarity, as if love is always that easy. He tries to understand how someone so observant could miss that, but Cole has always been out of his depth when it comes to this. Before Gallagher, it had been so long since he’d even felt it, not real love. He’d grown through his adolescence wondering if it was all made up, if it was just a dream people clung to in order to get by and eventually grow out of. And even with Val, he’d been so blind to the way her love would change him, unprepared not only for himself to feel it, but to accept hers as well. Of course he wouldn’t be able to recognize it staring back at him again in a way far crueler to the boy in front of him. And, god, he feels like he’s let him down all over again. All that care he feels for Owen, all that longing to protect him, and every step he’d taken had only strengthened this blow to his friend, only dug the dagger in deeper. But despite it all, when Owen turns to go, a hand reaches out to grab him by the wrist, to hold him in place. “Don’t— Owen, don’t go,” he pleads, voice much smaller now, eyes looking back to him with unbearable sadness, and he has no clue where to go from here, but he can’t let him walk away if he thinks that even for a moment he’s holding on to a similar despair. “I don’t know what to do,” Cole whispers truthfully, throat tightening. “Owen, I... I’m sorry.”

[coleconnerhq]

rizosguin​:

         one look at cole and rizo was brought back to carmen and how he had requested something from her. he’d have to talk to her again at some point to see how that was. in his head, the perfect reunion for the two of them would require the main lobby and his gift rolled out in a wagon, but he guesses that he couldn’t avoid the man much longer. after all, rizo missed him too. “god, absolutely. but i’d miss everything here.” and everyone, he wanted to add.

The very natural, casual way Rizo had responded to him wasn’t lost on him, and Cole let a small sigh of relief out under his breath. The act of normalcy from someone like Rizo was a kindness he didn’t take for granted, and it made it that much easier to breathe and smile in return. “Well, you’ve worked hard. You’ve earned the next chapter of your life,” Cole told him. “Do you know where you’re headed?”

[coleconnerhq]

eubinwoo​:

“How long is that?” Eden asked out of curiosity. The medical advancements at the hands of spies were something else, but they were but only students. “Are… Where are you going after all of this?” Because she wanted to know. Did he still get the chance to redeem himself after it? Did she think he deserved that? Maybe at another point, but certainly not this soon, and she wouldn’t say it to his face. “I would be upset with myself if I didn’t.” As if it was to help him more than her, when she truly knew that she wanted to try and bridge things… A little bit. Bring them back to neutral at least. The hate and the anger weighed heavy on her, such unfamiliar emotions. “That’s a very big promise.”

Cole only shrugs in response, as if to say forever, and he’ll accept that until there’s another option, though he doesn’t hate the situation he’s in now, however difficult. “Back to England for a bit, thought I’m not sure how long,” he tells her. He’s not sure what he’s looking for, whether it’s his past, or redemption, or answers to a new life, but he knows that it should start in his hometown. “Are you returning to Gallagher next year?” Cole asks in return, hoping the answer would be yes, because he’s always known she showed such promise. “Maybe I’m not in a position to making it, but I’d like to try. I can always try,” he says softly.

[coleconnerhq]

lunaseongs​:

“well, i’m glad.” luna’s not sure how to properly convey just how glad she is, so she trusts him to understand on his own. “oh, yeah, i would be surprised if frank gave up a friendship like that.” he loves so deeply, it’s one of her favorite things about him. “i’m not sure yet, honestly. it’s a bit of a jump, going from homeless to essentially having the world available to me. do you have any suggestions?” she assumes frank will be up for going anywhere she wants to go, though of course she’ll want to follow his lead as well. “what about you?”

“I guess it makes sense that you two found each other, then,” Cole says, holding in a larger smile, because it does make perfect sense to him, even if she and Frank are two separate melodies, they belong to the same song. He’s glad once again that she has him, that someone as kind as her has an equal, and someone to lean on when she needs it. He shakes his head with a small sigh. “I’m probably the worst person to ask right now, I’m not really a good resource for knowing where to go from here,” he chuckles, an answer to both of her questions. “Are you going to be able to see your mother?”

[coleconnerhq]

valeriasfm​:

       it  feels  all  new  and  all  the  same  at  the  exact  same  damn  time  ,   valeria  notes  to  herself  .   is  this  what  had  become  of  them ?  whispers  of  their  time  together  ,   touches  only  being  memories  ,   the  feel  of  one  against  another  -  she  HATES  that  it’s  come  to  this  ,   when  they  were  so  close  once  before  .    ‘  remember  the  last  time  we  talked ?  ’    of  course  he  has  too  ,   she’s  just  doing  this  whole  storytelling  thing  for  her  own  sanity  .    ‘  and  how  i  ran  off  when  you  said  your  real  name ?  ’   val  asks  .    ‘  well  ,   it’s  not  because  my  feelings  for  you  came  back  .  ’    no  ,   those  simply  never  left  ,   and  she’s  not  denying  that  anymore  -  she’s  just  not  telling  him  .   another  version  of  lying  ,   she’s  sure  -  but  she’s  allowed  herself  to  do  so  for  the  time  being  .  

        ‘  i’ll  keep  calling  you  cole  .  ’    if  that’s  what  he  wants  -  and  what’s  this  ,   she’s  speaking  in  future  tense ?  it  could  only  mean  she  doesn’t  lose  touch  with  him  ;   in  fact :   that’s  the  last  thing  that  she  wants  .    girl  digs  in  her  pockets  ,   steps  closer  to  him  ,   and  digs  on  to  the  railing  as  if  she’s  holding  for  dear  life  .      ‘  i  need  to  show  you  something  .  ’    one  last  secret  ,   she  thinks  as  she  pulls  out  the  photograph  that  she’s  stolen  from  her  apartment  whilst  packing  up  …   forever  .    ‘  dress  had  pockets   …  couldn’t  say  no  to  it  -  ’   val  says  when  she  notices  him  watching  her  and  she  waves  𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚂  photo  around  ,   before  handing  it  to  him  .    ‘  i  think  -  i  think  we  knew  parts  of  each  other  that  we  didn’t  even  know  ,  ’   val  says  finally  ,   she  waiting  to  hear  and  see  a  reaction  from  him  .    ‘  and  i  think  ,   maybe  …  your  parents  ,   my  dad  …  might  have  led  my  mom  to  take  the  actions  she  did  .  ’    to  allow  the  double  agents  in  ,   to  want  to  protect  them  ;   all  because  of  one  girl  and  one  boy  ,   however  many  years  ago  .    ‘  do  you  …  remember ?  ’  

“I remember,” Cole says quietly, as if he could ever forget any interaction with her, good or bad. He wants to tell her that he wouldn’t dare imagine it had been because any feelings had returned. He thinks with absolute certainty that that bridge is burned, that the light they’d shared between two lonely, longing souls has gone out, and he can’t ever hope to get it back. In his own heart, a burning match stays glowing for her, and Cole thinks it may never fade even in the afterlight of their broken dreams. He’d thought she’d been the answer, the future he could look forward to when he finally made it to shore. Every day he’d spent by her had been unlike anything he’d ever known, graced by her soft compassion and endless love, made human again after years of feeling nothing. Cole would have to be grateful for their past, for what she’d done for him, bringing him to life amidst waves and waves of unrecognized despair.

She stands before him now, moonlight glistening in her bright blue eyes, and Cole realizes he’d take any moment she’d allow him, whether or not it breaks him further. But he catches with foolish, naive hope the way she speaks as she inches closer of her own accord. I’ll keep calling you Cole. Like there might be more chances than now. He wills himself not to linger on that thought, but it’s hard not to when it beckons to him like a lifeline. He’s a fool, but he’d reach for it anyway. “Alright,” he starts, leaving the floor open to her and whatever it is she might have on her mind, though it’s clearly troubling her and that causes a tightness in chest, steady anxiety just waiting to be let loose again. Then she pulls out a photograph, and after a moment, places it in his unsuspecting hand. Three children look back at him from the old photo, small and innocent and so painlessly normal. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to be looking at, but something tugs at a deeper part of his heart and mind, his breath slowing and halting, the sensation like the inklings of a floating epiphany he can’t quite grasp. She starts to speak again at the same time that he recognizes the crystalline blue and green eyes of the two girls in the photo. “Val...” Cole says, not noticing the name he uses this time, lost in an almost terrifying trance as he stares at the boy, frozen by the way he can’t place where he’s seen him until he looks back up to the girl before him, the girl he knows and loves, the girl who a lifetime ago sat in this very photo. “...What is this?”

[coleconnerhq]

musaox​:

He’s listening to Cole but at the same time it feels as if he’s a million miles away. They exist in two separate worlds now. One where he would die for him, has proven so, but the sentiment wouldn’t be reciprocated. It was his fault for caring too much, for letting Cole become the sun in his life when he was merely a shooting star in his. Something temporarily beautiful that you can lay your hopes on but you know it doesn’t stay, it serves no further purpose than that. The extra layer of complication doesn’t exist for the other boy the way that it does for him and perhaps that’s for the best. It should make the leaving easier but it doesn’t. “I figured you had bigger things going on.” Like getting reunited with all of his friends and his girlfriend, like graduation, figuring out whatever was going to happen next in his life. While Owen was aware that he was a part of the picture he didn’t see himself as one of the most important pieces of it. Not in Cole’s life or in anyone’s really. It was a tiring feeling to carry around with him, he was ready to go home. The words that come out of the other boy’s mouth next take him by surprise. For a split second he thinks they might mean what he wants them to mean only to realize that’s foolish of him. Despite himself, he laughs. It’s a bitter sound not one of joy. “Just ignore the fact that most of my friends now despise me and I can’t even explain any of this to them?” Owen shakes his head. “Right. I’ll just do that so I can stay here and watch you regain every part of your life while I continue to lose mine.” He doesn’t want to spit the words at him, doesn’t want Cole to think that he regrets what he did for him. The truth is that he would do it as many times as necessary. If he had a time machine, he’d still go back and do it all the same. “I’m….” He sighs, looking down at the clothes before meeting his gaze. “I’m in love with you, you idiot. I’m trying not to be, I know it’s…” An inconvenience to Cole. An added nuisance that he doesn’t need. “I’m going home. You don’t have to worry about any of it.”  

He doesn’t know to wish that Owen could understand he’d die for him in return. It may feel like so long ago, but Cole had given himself up for the man in front of him. He’s told anyone else who’d asked that he’d done it because it was the the right thing, and that’s true as well, but Cole knows it wouldn’t have been so easy to make that choice if it hadn’t been him trying to take the fall, if it hadn’t broken his resolve to think of Owen being charged with his crimes. He hadn’t known what would become of himself when the truth was finally revealed, and there had been a part of him that knew it could have ended his life. But he’d spoken up anyway, made the choice to damn himself and save his friend because it had been him. But he doesn’t know Owen doubts that, and can’t know to remind him.

“Regain my life?” he repeats, the words breathy and incredulous, beginning to take on frustration and hurt to hear what his friend throws in his face. It’s a good thing they’re alone in this room now as Cole’s voice starts to pick up in volume, as he starts to give in to the pain he’s been carrying with him for everyone else, that was supposed to not exist around Owen. “You think I’ve just fallen back into what I used to have? You don’t think every day has been a test since then? That I’m not doing my best to not let it be hell? I don’t have my life back, Owen, and I never will. Outside of the other agents, I can count on one hand the people who can still look at me like I’m not forever changed in their eyes. I don’t have half of what I used to, but I have you,” he shouts, voice straining, eyes burning with fire and the human sting of threatening tears. “Or at least I thought I did.” Cole doesn’t look away when Owen does, and he keeps his eyes trained on him, willing him to just tell him the truth and let him know he has one less person that he’d thought.

But then he looks back to him finally; his eyes wear that expression again, something Cole can’t name, and the fact that it’s unreadable and unreachable to him only makes him want to yell at him more, to beg him to tell him what it is. Then Owen speaks again, and all that fire, all that fight leaves him in an instant, feeling the world around him still into one moment. I’m in love with you. “You...” he breathes, suddenly weaponless in what he thought had been a confrontation, and had turned out to be a confession. Cole had become so accustomed to the feeling of drowning, and of coming up for air, and the way a shoreline or horizon can look so distant. This is different— or a moment he’d missed somehow, that feeling before any of the others, of floating weightless underneath the water, unsure whether you would sink or swim. He doesn’t even know which direction the surface is. “Owen—...”

[coleconnerhq]

ofeva​:

– “YOU DIDN’T DO A VERY GOOD JOB,” she almost laughs, “ you might want to practice that a little more. ” still, a genuine compliment from cole in its most pure form would probably make her pass away, so it’s definitely for the best ! “ it’s our last gala in this godforsaken place, i think we owe to ourselves to leave looking our best, ” she beckons him forward, though it’s more of a demand than an offer, “ let me fix it. ” when she continues to be the mom of the squad even though they’ve mostly disbanded. 

“Like you could do better,” he tests, wry grin on his face as he looks over to her. She can either accept that he’s right, or try to prove him wrong, but that would mean having dole out a compliment to him, and he’s excited to see which option she chooses. “So you’re not coming back, then,” Cole says, not a question as he reads between the lines. He frowns, stubbornly not wanting to follow orders from her, but sighs as he takes a step closer anyway and tilts his chin up slightly to give her more space.

[coleconnerhq]

lunaseongs​:

“well i hope you don’t feel awkward here with me.” luna means that, likes to think maybe she provides a sense of normalcy for cole. she still can’t exactly guarantee she would have felt the same had his book leaked while her mother was still technically in danger, but that’s not what happened, so she sees no need to dwell on it. “i’m having a nice time. frank is talking to carmichael at the moment, i believe. i needed a break.”

“Not at all,” he answers her truthfully, more serenity in his features than usual. “Breaks I can understand all too well. It’s nice that they’ve remained friends, too,” Cole notes, looking around the ballroom in hopes of catching a sight of the boys, and the unspoken words lay between them, that she and him have thankfully remained friends, as well. “How will you spend your summer, if you don’t mind me asking?” Only under a year ago they’d been in Germany together, and he’d happily followed her lead through the unfamiliar streets of Berlin, somehow trusting her before truly knowing her.

[coleconnerhq]

thliahls​:

                              her breath halts, even though she calculated the risks and knew the admission held no consequence — it would be foolish to lay all her chips on pure belief, but she does, and she does believe that cole doesn’t want to retroactively punish her. that all he wants is his book back. what she doesn’t get is why — on her end, not his. his reasons are part sentiment but mostly logic, it’s his book, as they’ve both recognized. thalia, on the other hand, is trying to find a reason for why she would give it back. she supposes it’s a chance of her to rebuke ownership of it, but that in itself leaves a trail. mostly, she doesn’t want to give it back. he doesn’t deserve it if he was foolish enough to lose it in the first place. her expression is thoughtful, completely oblivious that he lingers in her periphery, an accidental test of his patience, thinking her own thoughts beyond his needless implications, and out comes, at it’s root, an unfettered curiosity. ‘   what will you do with it ?   ’ if he’s keeping it then why can’t she ? she’d arguably be a better keeper. and if he’s getting rid of it, then she wants in. 

“No defense? Good,” he says calmly, and he’s glad she’s not denying what he’s laid at her feet; it’s almost an admission on its own. Cole hadn’t known it until recently, he’s been truthful in saying that he hadn’t been sure where the book had ended up past Eva and Christian, or who had released it unto the world. But in one of the instances when Cecilia had come to see him in the past month, she’d mentioned Thalia’s brazen declaration, posing that she’d known who had taken the book, and announcing with a wild air that maybe it had been herself. Cecilia hadn’t been sure, which was reasonable considering how unpredictable Thalia could be, who might just be trying to bluff and show off. But as soon as Cole had heard Cecilia explain it, he’d known Thalia wasn’t bluffing. It’s crazy that she’d hidden right in the actual truth. A memory had popped into his head of the underclassmen catching them at Blackthorne, Thalia in tow. He’d been so focused on Val, on getting the others through the situation as best as possible, that he’d missed a passing comment Thalia had made then, remarking on something only someone who had seen that book would know. The pieces hadn’t fit until Cecilia had reminded him, and Cole’s just been waiting for the opportunity to corner her since then. “I want to destroy it,” he answers, plain and simple, and then, as a test, “What would you do with it?”

[coleconnerhq]

kassamigos​:

        IT’S NICE COLE FINALLY WANTS TO BE HONEST TO VAL, kass thinks, but it’s hard to take it to heart when she knows he only says that after spending nearly two years lying to begin with. of course, he stopped lying because he had turned himself in, which speaks a lot about his character, more than kass cares to admit. but it’s hard to move past how much he had lied :   to her, to val, to her entire family. it doesn’t matter if val wants to believe him or not – in fact, the faster val forgives him, the longer it will take kass to do so. somebody has to be the strong one in this family.   “ you’ll have to excuse me if i find it hard to believe you on anything anymore, ”   she swallows as she looks at him, trying to keep her gaze menacing, but instead it probably comes off like a wounded puppy. it’s how she feels, at least.   “ i mean, i don’t know what to make of anything involving you anymore. do i think you’re going to physically hurt val ?   no, ”   she confesses.   “ but you’ve been linked to a dangerous organization for years, and you killed the leader… i find it hard to believe nobody’s angry at you right now for that. you don’t even know what you’re doing past tomorrow, ”   kass points out.   “ we have enough uncertainty in our lives right, after everything with our mom, ”   which she also blames him and the double agents for, by the way,   “ val doesn’t need anymore uncertainty in her life right now. ”   her eyes raise, making sure he gets the point :   that right now, cole is one giant question mark that valeria sutton doesn’t need.

This isn’t the first time he’s seen Kass’ green eyes glimmering with heartache, nor is it the first time it’s been because of him, and it doesn’t get any easier. “I have guarded my past for longer than I’ve known you,” Cole says quietly. “What I have left of my old life is mine, not a weapon I would use just to get closer to you and your sister. Wouldn’t I have mentioned it before now? If I had known?” His expression begs her to understand, but he knows he can’t force her to see his way. That expression falls as she goes on, echoing a fear he’s had as well. Caledonia might be dead now, but he’d be foolish to think it meant it was fully over. Cole doesn’t want to fight her, he doesn’t want to be at odds with someone he’d considered such a close friend, someone he still holds all that care for. But where he’d once wondered what the right decision was in the promise he’d made her, which sister he should give the loyalty of his actions to, he knows with clarity what the answer is now. It has to be Val every time. “I think we both have to stop trying to make that decision for her,” Cole says, voice low, but eyes earnest, and he knows she might hate him for it, but he has to say it anyway. He doesn’t raise his voice, but his words still begin to take on a longing urgency laced with the somehow hopeful sadness in his chest. “You may be right in some regard. Maybe there’s too much uncertainty in my life, maybe I don’t know what will become of my future, but I’m not afraid of that. I’ve spent so long with my choices ripped from me, and the idea that I don’t know what comes next now is so damn freeing I can’t even describe it. There are so few things I know with certainty now, Kass,” Cole please with her, the name he used to say so happily slipping into his words once he finally lets them drip with real emotion. “One of them is the way I feel about her, and the way I feel about you.”

[coleconnerhq]

eubinwoo​:

“So it’s not a forever injury, that’s very lucky… Or are you saying you’ll need the cane in perpetuity now?” Eden asked. There was a slight tone of concern to her words. She missed the friend she’d come to know over the year, but she didn’t know who or what was real anymore. So it was easier to tread lightly. No. She wanted to say. To wield what little power she had in the situation. To try and take a stand… but Eden Woo couldn’t do that. The infirmary was nice compared to a standard university, yes, but she doubted it was a comfortable place to be. It probably felt cold and unwelcoming. It was only a few days. Less than if she stayed with Chris instead. “Okay.” Realizing that wasn’t a yes or no, she clarified. “If you promise no more lies.”

He winces slightly before nodding in return. “I think... I know I’ll have to use it for the foreseeable future,” Cole corrects, slightly awkwardly. It’s a fact he’s come to accept. There’s no sense in letting it hold him down, not when there’s still so much he can do, not when he’s still living. He wouldn’t have held it against her if she’d told him she never wanted to see him again. She was a precious friend he’d betrayed, despite his desire not to, and his own feelings and regrets don’t make up for the way he’d hurt her. So when he hears the word ‘okay’, he’s surprised, almost concerned he hadn’t heard right, followed by a weightless sort of notion. After a while, in the silence, and with somber eyes, he says, “I promise. Eden, I promise. Anything you need, I’ll give it to you.”

[coleconnerhq]

lunaseongs​:

“oh, no, please help yourself,” luna insists, pulling it out for him, imagining being on his feet for too long is probably painful at the moment. and perhaps for a very long time after this. “thank you very much. you look very handsome, of course.” she studies him for a moment. “how is your night going? how are you feeling overall?”

He sits down at her behest, feeling relief in his knee as soon as he’s off his feet. It’s not terrible, but it’s definitely nice when he can take breaks, and Cole appreciates the excuse to take one and also be comfortably sat by a friend. “You’re welcome, and thank you as well,” he chuckles, feeling relief as well to be able to talk happily with her. “It’s... Well, I feel a little awkward, but it could be a lot worse, I think. And yourself? Where’s Frank?”