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... i wait and ache. I think I have been healing.

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Denis Johnson, Jesus Son

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i look in the mirror, i lose my mind a little, i cry on public transport, i walk through a fluorescent supermarket, i have slow and confusing dreams at night. you know how it is

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imma keep it real with you chief continuity of self is a helpful illusion but you die every night and another you is born every morning

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I’m always slightly detached from myself and viewing myself in a voyeurist way so everything feels cinematic but I’m crazy and tired

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moms will see their daughters and be like “is anyone gonna traumatize this girl about her physical appearance?” and then not wait for an answer

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when kafka said "all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding" and when richard siken said “if you love me, you don’t love me in a way I understand.”

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You cannot live alone on the fantasies you feed to your mind, eventually you have to touch your life for real, assess and analyze your habits, understand your character, try not to hate yourself for your character as it was shaped when you were very young by circumstances outside of you, and begin learning how to cope with your character, how to build habits that work for you, finish small projects, finish big projects, expose yourself to more uncomfortable situations, assess why you want to leave that friendship before you leave it, raise your anxiety levels on purpose, so that you can grow, raise your work load on purpose, so that you can grow, so that you can build resilience, so that your life expands, and can be experienced by you in full and in reality

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Spent my Sunday morning learning new kanji, reading and sipping coffee while listening to piano music ☕️✨

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life should really just be *wakes up refreshed* *drinks some coffee* *eats some oatmeal* *reads a book* *eats some stir fried vegetables* *reads a book* *eats a cookie* *reads a book* *drinks some soup* *reads a book* *goes to sleep content* *wakes up refreshed*

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09.08.2019

a glimpse of my new room :-)

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Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights // Yves Olade, When Rome Falls // Nawal El Saadawi, Woman at Point Zero

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Ocean Vuong, from Someday I’ll Love Ocean Vuong

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“Morning I’ve got to tell you how I love you always I think of it on grey mornings with death in my mouth the tea is never hot enough then and the cigarette dry the maroon robe chills me I need you and look out the window at the noiseless snow At night on the dock the buses glow like clouds and I am lonely thinking of flutes I miss you always when I go to the beach the sand is wet with tears that seem mine although I never weep and hold you in my heart with a very real humor you’d be proud of the parking lot is crowded and I stand rattling my keys the car is empty as a bicycle what are you doing now where did you eat your lunch and were there lots of anchovies it is difficult to think of you without me in the sentence you depress me when you are alone Last night the stars were numerous and today snow is their calling card I’ll not be cordial there is nothing that distracts me music is only a crossword puzzle do you know how it is when you are the only passenger if there is a place further from me I beg you do not go”

— Frank O Hara

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ah shit im sorry man, my schedule for the week is all booked

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the devil tree - jerzy kosinskt / i know what you think of me - tim kreider / the first bad man - miranda july / variation on the word sleep - margaret atwood / here yet be dragons -lucille clifton / what being a sexy worker taught me about men - melissa petro / the powerbook - jeanette winterson / blasted - sarah kane / the archer - taylor swift / strange gods - roxane gay