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I have tried to reach out to everyone tonight but I have failed. I can't get the words out. I don't know how to ask for help when I'm low. I don't know how to do anything anymore. It has been such a hard day and I don't know why. It just has. I don't know where to put all this pain today. How is everything fine and then suddenly one day - it is the opposite of fine. Was it completely random or has it been creeping up for weeks and I just never noticed? I haven't been this lost in months. I need hugs and kisses and to be told sweet things. I've pushed every possibility of that away. I say no to everyone and to be honest they all make me sick anyway. Fuck today. I need the smallest drop of love in my life - someone to love me for a moment and me feel comfortable and I can somehow accept it. FUCK today.

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I would cry tidal waves I would scream til the earth quakes But it stays inside. A blackening knot. Razor blade ornaments along a ribbon and it keeps growing longer and longer. It spreads up to my throat and starts to squeeze and cut so I cannot scream. It creeps up my face and blindfolds me so tight it burns my eyes so I cannot cry. I suffocate myself. Unable to say no. I will keep dreaming even as I drown.

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My mum is sick. Like actual sick. Her tests begin tomorrow. I can't do this again - everything is finally okay. I actually can't go through this again. I don't have the strength for this anymore. I'm finally stable, everything is okay and now this. I can't trust myself to keep doing the right things because holy shit life is unfair. I'm terrified of myself and Im still numb about my mum im just going to bury it and pretend it's not real. Nothing is real.

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A perfect breakdown of the process of realizing enablers are part of the abuse.

Thanks to @whale-intestines for this!

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“As you care less about what people think of you, you will care more about what others think of themselves.”

— Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (via books-n-quotes)

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"I am a skeleton made out of flowers,

Seeds lodge themselves in my bones,

Tangled roots spread across my frame,

A delicate network of nerves and veins,

I am garden on a cemetry floor,

Beauty born of compost and worms,

Watered by rain and shallow tears,

Sinking into rich earth,

Hoping to rise again."

--Treasured Corpse by Imaginarygirltnt

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“You cannot see me from where I look at myself.”

—

Francesca Woodman

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You survived the trauma, you will survive the recovery