commandertrump

[commandertrump]

My administration has accomplished so much.  Tremendously much.  I mean, I did that whole economy thing when it crashed.  No president has left office with less jobs than they entered.  That’s an accomplishment, believe me.  Some people say that if I responded to the coronavirus differently, it wouldn’t have done that, but we all know Antifa looted the economy just like they looted the Capitol--which I love, but not when they do it.

And speaking of the coronavirus, it looks like it’ll kill more Americans than World War II, and that’s pretty tremendous a lot of people are saying.  People love that war, so they’ll love the coronavirus.

And we drained the swamp with all the pardons (You’re welcome Mammon Bannon) and repealing my own executive order to let my own people works as lobbyists and for foreign governments.  That’s how you drain the swamp, folks.  That’s how you do it.

So now, I want all you people in the dishonest FAKE NEWS media to go out there and report that I was the most tremendous president ever!  THE MOST TREMENDOUS EVER!  YOU BETTER DO IT AND--

Wait!  Don’t go!  I can’t go back to being a business man!  I’m no good at it!  Don’t leave!  I’m so lonely...

[commandertrump]

Okay, it’s a “Trump Going Out of Business Sale.”  You people have seen plenty of these, so you know the drill.  This time, instead of stuff nobody wants, we’ve got pardons!  Pardons, people!  Everybody loves a good pardon!  Anybody want to do one last special favor for me to get a pardon?  C’mon, you know you want to!  Is Hitler in the crowd?  I’m sure my boy wants a pardon.

[commandertrump]

I’ve got a golden pardon right here for the person who can get me back on Twitter!  It is the most important thing facing our country!

...

What’s that?  How many Americans have died from the coronavirus?  That’s a stupid disrespectful question.  How am I supposed to know?

[commandertrump]

Look, I don’t know where all the coronavirus vaccines went.  I can’t even find my wallet whenever I go out to dinner and have to ask the other person to pay half the time...

[commandertrump]

I want no more violence!

...

If you can’t tell, I’m winking.

[commandertrump]

Oh, they must be impeaching me again.  Must be fun...to be a part of something...

Sniff...

[commandertrump]

Lousy stupid country...

Nobody wants to do anything with me anymore!  The banks won’t lend me money or collect money from my morons--I mean supporters!  I can’t advertise anything anymore.  What am I supposed to do now?  Make deals and run a business?  I’m not getting a job!  Not now, not ever!

[commandertrump]

I acted appropriately in my speech.  Tremendously appropriately!  You can’t blame anything those people--who I love--you can’t blame any of that on me.  Ask yourself something?

Did you wonder if those people deserved to be shot?  Maybe that cop deserved to be hit the head with a fire extinguisher.  He’s faking the whole “dead” thing.  I’ve seen plenty of Three Stooges episodes, and--EXCUSE ME!--Plenty of Three Stooges episodes, and they’re always fine after something like that.  So if you want to pin that on--

Where are you going?  No!  Don’t leave me!  I don’t want to be alone...

Sniff...

[commandertrump]

I’m...pretty sure I never did anything illegal in my life...

[commandertrump]

So this is what consequences feel like?

Oh...

Oh...

Oh, I don’t like this...

[commandertrump]

TWITTER DID WHAT?!  THEY CAN’T BAN ME!  I’M COMMANDER DONALD J. TRUMP!  THEY CAN’T TAKE MY FAVORITE TOY!  I AM THE GREETEST!

I need someone else’s account.  Someone that will do what I ever I want that isn’t a loser like Don Jr. over here.  What about you random person?  Can I use your account?

At least now no one’s talking about the job numbers...

[commandertrump]

Okay, I just want it to be clear that I’m reading this on the advice of my lawyer.  Is that clear?  Okay. Ahem...

“Violence is...bad”?.. That can’t be right...

[commandertrump]

I’m speaking to all my wondewful and pwecious supporters right now.  You are special.  You are loved.  You are wonderwful, gweat people.  Violent protests and riots are bad, I guess, but it’s okay.  We’ll get through this.  The dishonest FAKE NEWS media won’t say that the love you, but I love you, my gweat, wonderwful, pwecious people.  Now, who wants to go out for ice cream?  You’re paying because I left my wallet in the White House.  I’m sure you--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN TWITTER BLOCKED US?!

[commandertrump]

You listen to me, Usurping Mike.  You better go and do what I tell you to do even though you can’t do it.  So go into Congress and make me the next president.  I can’t lose three elections in two days!

[commandertrump]

Off...to...Georgia...to...rig...Send...as...many...rigged...votes...as...you...can...

Ivanka, put the camera down.  I’m tired of being recorded this week talking about elections.

[commandertrump]

Look, I did nothing wrong this time...again.

Like an innocent man once said, “When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.”

[commandertrump]

You listen to me, Ratfaced Brad Raffensperger, you and I both know the election in Georgia wasn’t rigged, and that’s the problem!  Go out there, find me about 11,000 votes, and rig it for me to win!  Do it now!  I know you’re a good lawyer and can do it.  You’ve got a Jew-sounding first name.

...

No, that’s not anti-semetic, you stupid Jew.  If it was, would Jared be clapping right now?  Checkmate.  That’s a Mousetrap term.  A lot of people don’t know that.