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sorry bro can't go out tonight. i'm stuck in an eternal state of melancholy

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Describes best my whole university experience...

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“My heart is so tired”

— Markus Zusak

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I just want a distraction.. i don't care if it is a book, i don't care if it is music, i don't care if it is a person, i don't care if it is a substance... But all my life... all my miserably awful life i have been chasing that distraction.. Always feeling out of alignment with where i should be.. always feeling lost, dazed and confused, and alone...Soo alone!... Numbness... that's all i craved.. because the reality of being such a tangled up mess of a human being just crushed my breath and any glimpse of hope i would sometimes get for the future... "Get over your stupid psychological trauma that your parents have inflicted upon you first my dear self!"..."Oh.. and then don't forget to mess up your life so much building walls all around you, that you hurt your closest friends and ACTUALLY end up alone!"... "Oh and don't forget that now you are born again and you've come to the realisation that God is more living and active than yourself!.. So head into this beautifully painful journey of healing with the help of the most loving God..." But how?!How can i feel so tired and just want to disappear when I am in the middle of the most heartwarming grace there is?! How can I be so selfish?... Why do i still need to escape reality?... Why do i still want to die?... Why can't i face my fears? Why is every good day followed by a horrid one? Why do I keep struggling so much with the smallest of things?..

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Gloomy yet comforting autumn evenings in the city.

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source: you.swim

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