complicatedleo-blog

[complicatedleo-blog]

Goodbye Dylan

When I was looking back, I stumbled upon some of the notes I saved a year ago. Things have changed now, but it really was for the best (for me at least). Though, one thing I don’t regret is having this experience. To love and be loved. To experience the honeymoon stage. The natural high of love. To say that I was once in love. Even if it’s the cheesiest shit. And to share this experience with someone once special. Through this, I learned alot. About myself and what it means to have loved someone. 2016 was the end of this chapter. 2017, be good to me. “Ah since we didnt get around to it. Better late than never right? HAPPY 11 MONTHS BABE!! Wow it passed by so fast 😄 we had some pretty fun adventures this month. Going to tet fest when it was raining. Haha remember when we went to watch 50 shades and you spilled soda and i dropped popcorn? Talk about a derpy couple haha my butt spelled like root beer yumm hahaha hmm Spending chinese new year and valentines day together along with our study dates and stay home study dates. Im glad to spend these days with you even if now they are only a few days. Thanks for always supprting me and making me feel better when im at my worst and yeah that does happen alot. I had a fun time at bubble run with you, i appreciate you slowing down for me and waiting for me when im behind. Though things are not really going well for us now. Im glad that i still have you to be there for me in the end. I just hope that things would be good again, that kind if good where we dont have that many fights and such. Thatd be something i would like to see in the future for us. The truth hurts but its something we need to have to listen understand and be patient with. We’ll get back to being happy eventually, just adapting to different situations that would hopefully prepare us for later. I really do want this and dont even joke about me not wanting it. It offends me a bit with the effort i give, but yeah jokes from me are always at a bad timing messing around about the wrong things i guess. I really do treasure you, you mean alot to me. Since things have been busy, we dont see each other as much yeah it sucks but im glad we are able to spend time together. It means alot. I just miss you, your touch, warmth, laugh, just everything. i miss messing around jokes and stuff til i laugh with no sound. You are important to me just take that to heart. I love you and happy 11 months 👫💑❤️💚😘” Wow, actually using this tumblr to talk about what’s been going through my head instead of reblogging typical tumblr pics what?? I don’t know, sometimes it doesn’t matter who the person is. What matters most was the feeling that you experienced from them.

[complicatedleo-blog]

Don't Go- REECE

At this point of my life, I'm happy by myself. I let go the things i needed to let go even when in the back of my mind, i did not want to. And to think the root of suffering is truly attachment. I fought against myself so many times to come back to ask for him back. But there's no point. It was definitely clear. He replaced me just like that and i know myself that i was the one that got away. I was never his, even when he said so. I knew this relationship was hopeless, looking back at my old posts. I was trapped in a miserable cage of emotions. But i loved myself enough to set myself free. I thought being a stranger to him again was the worst thing ever imagined. But now, i feel indifferent. Im no longer a part of his story, but now creating an episode of my own. I'm reconnecting with my friendships and i have so many opportunities ahead of me because now i have nothing holding me back. I am extremely content with the relationships i have made, and the people i met, and the friends i reconnected with. This summer is about me coming back to myself, not someone else's girlfriend. This summer was about friendship. I felt that i have accomplished that well. With that note, i'm done with boys. Though i miss that feeling of being in love, i figured its something that shouldn't be forced but developed out of luck and some fate in there too. My short summer fling kind of made me realize that i don't want to be in a committed relationship. I can only commit to myself at this point.

[complicatedleo-blog]

Stay - Kygo (feat. Maty Noyes)

I don’t know what to do. Who am I to you? This whole time I was just in that daze- of us happy together, there was a future, and that daydream becomes a reality. When things seem to fall into place, when it was just perfect, when I never felt so in love. When I realized I was blinded by love the whole time, when I realized there’s really no definite future, just in the moment things. What does he want. Who does he want. His love is only conditional. When I loved the person he was in the past, I love him in the present, and I will love the person he grows to be in the future. This is crazy talk but I never thought I could have fallen so hard yet be so heartbroken. First love means your first heartbreak. Yeah, you can say that it’s true. But I’ve come to realized, I don’t need him. I’ll be okay with whatever happens. However, I hope one day someone could love me this much- not the way he loved me, but the way I loved him. This is what happens when you give a guy your all. There’s no point begging back for that kind of love. I want something better.

[complicatedleo-blog]

Brika- Expectations

What do I do now. He's still not changed. Where's the effort? Where's the love and affection that a boyfriend should give his own girlfriend? Expectations do hurt and I have so much. It wasn't like this. It was better when in that phase when he was trying to impress me. Those little efforts he does that make my heart tingle and got me all flustered. He can just even stare at me and I'll blush. Shit, I'll be glad if he even looks at me. Probably even looking at other girls, touching them, flirting with them. What's sad that he did it behind my back and someone else had to tell me. Well maybe he's that friendly. I wouldn't mind much if he did the same to me. His own fking girlfriend. I don't know if I can hold on any longer. How long am I willing to cry for him? How long am I willing to put up with this neglect? Kelly, what have you gotten into? How does a relationship continue when someone is heartbroken in the duration of the relationship? Is it commitment, love, or just fear of what happens after... Would me being out if his life make him happier? All I want is for us to be happy.

[complicatedleo-blog]

Safe with Me- Sam Smith

Today, maybe I have developed SOME feelings to him. Don’t push me away, don’t interfere. I’m just stuck. Well, you know I’ll just not do anything about, like I have always done. I’ll let it be, but I hope this time, it won’t work out as a relationship and rather a close friendship. He makes me happy right now. I like to stay this happy. I have a friend that I can tell basically anything too, I enjoyed our story telling nights, the teasing, and talking every night. 

Oh, reminds me of before huh. Do you remember anything? Hopefully not because I was so embarrassing. I’m still embarassing haha. 

And then there’s nd, does he like me too? Who was that guy who asked Katherine for advice about me? I assume that it’s him, but it could be the reminder. I don’t know, I don’t even know why I’m thinking too much about it. I told myself I would not date. I made it clear to both that I don’t want anything. 

What did I just get myself into…

[complicatedleo-blog]

You'll Be Okay- A Great Big World

After that shocked moment, I cooled down, collected myself, and now I accept the fact that I got rejected to my first school, a school I was actually planning to go to. Should I settle for my backup? I mean I would be spending money on a school that I didn't even want to go to in the first place. I would just be basically paying for the name. I really wanted to go to San Diego or Santa Barbara, but it's so far from home. Are my parents ready for that? Am I ready for that? There's community college too. I guess I have to be comfortable with that. After this rejection, I'm lost. My plans are now dead, and I am in forbidden territory. I don't know what to do now. Distance and money are the main issues here. I hope I'll be okay. 

[complicatedleo-blog]

Better Strangers - AM Kidd

"it's funny, when you think it's over and things are looking like it's coming to an end loneliness comes around and chokes you and the thought of needing closure comes again i'm addicted to our history i convince myself i need another dose but what comes out of it is not a mystery i'm reminded all the reasons why it broke"

Why is it that I always find myself going back to you? That soft spot just keeps on complicating my feelings. I should be over you years ago. But ugh, that smirk and that awkwardness just gets me every time. What happened? We became strangers, exchanging looks rather then hellos and nothing more. Who's going to take the initiative? I've tried, have you? How about we start over, make new memories, and talk more? We've both matured; no more playing games. Closure is what I need to fully move on. This thought of what could have been, is seriously taking over my thoughts. You know, he's just like you. Quirky, pretty awkward, charming, and outgoing. Ugh another reminder of you everyday.