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HHHHH OKAY OKAY OKAY. THE WORST CASE CENERIO IS THAT HES FIGURED IT OUT AND ISNT INTERESTED. THATS OKAY I DIDNT PLAN TO PURSUE IT. THE OTHER CENERIO IS THAT HES FIGURED IT OUT AND IS INTERESTED. BUT I DONT THINK THATS BEST CASE CAUSE IM DUMB AND EASILY CONFUSED. SECOND WORSE CASE CENERIO IS THAT HES FLUSHING FOR KANKRI OR SIGNLESS WHICH WOULD SUCK FOR HIM BECAUSE BOTH WOULD TURN HIM DOWN. THE OTHER POSSIBILITY IS THAT IM JUMPING TO GODDAMN CONCLUSIONS AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

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This is it, isn’t it

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They wouldn’t be looking because they want to get better and doing so would be hurting them the same way its hurting us. We need to stop looking and we need to focus on something else. But its hard; they were our whole lives for god, nearly a year, and most of our lives for 5 now. It’d be like if Nikki broke up with Sam.

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In 20 years of living, I have maybe 3 years worth of memories if you place them back to back

Everything else is blacked out

Like a reductionist poem highlighting my trauma

My whole life is a vent piece by a fallen angel with twisted wings

Mad at God

Wanting to hurt His children for casting him out

I know there’s more to what I remember, but it’s been crossed out with sharpie and a dark haze.

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We wont look until Monday. We will check to make sure the blog is there but we wont click until MONDAY.

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You know this is just hurting you but its not something you think you can stop right now. You know you can, you can stop. Just stop visiting the blog but its all you have left. Even if you can’t follow or interact you just want to know they’re ok. But that’s obsessive again. you need to stop. You need to give them space. 

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We cant keep that up. But it keeps sticking in our minds, we’re the nicest they’ve ever had, but we were so bad they pushed us away. We were like family to them, but they can’t be around us. They promised they wouldn’t leave again, but they did.

Part of me is so scared for them, that they’ll be hurt.I dont want them to be hurt.

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when did the beginning of the end start? how far back do we need to go to fix what we did? We didn’t get closure and we cant move past it without some sort of chance to apologize and try and fix it. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Please forgive us. Please.

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If we make it to the first therapist appointment, it’ll be easier to make it to the next, and the next. We can show real progress instead of superficial shit that doesn’t mean much. We can do this. We can do this.

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I wanna be able to tell you that we realize now all the ways we went wrong. I wanna list out all the ways we’re gonna fix it, make it better. I wanna tell you that we’re sorry and wont ever do that stuff again.

Its too late though, I think.I’m not even sure if we’re gonna get them back even if we do get better. But we need to keep trying.

Its different this time because last time they said they would be back later. This time they. Said “maybe” we could one day work it out. I think it would be better if we had a more concrete hope. Or even if we had a chance to tell them that we realized how we messed up.

I wish we were able to say sorry.

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We are so sorry. Please give us another chance. Please give us another chance, just one ore. Give us a week, and if we fuck up again then that’s that. Please just one more chance. Please just one more chance. Just one. Just one more chance please. Please.

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Its fucked up like, we could feel them unfollow. thats fucked up.

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We want to give up. Every part of us wants to give up. But we have a chance we have a chance, we have to keep trying. We have to keep trying we have to keep fucking trying.

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Full offense but if you ever tell me that a thing you did to me physically didn’t hurt just scared me I’m going to actually rip out your eyeballs and deep fry them

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I wish I could remember it all. If I could remember it I could deal. I could cut out the parts of me that were all fucked up. But I can’t remember so much. I know there was more but so many of them I can’t remember beyond a feeling or a taste or a smell and I freeze and lock up whenever it happens. What do you say when the way someone lifts the end of their sentences reminds you of some horrible unspeakable thing that you don’t even remember?