conrad-the-comrade

[conrad-the-comrade]

I wonder if toast was named after the toaster, or the toaster was named after toast.

[conrad-the-comrade]

*to my doctor after getting laser eye surgery* so how do i shoot them

[conrad-the-comrade]

I had sex in a graveyard and was walking around nude cause it was like 80 degrees and I was all sweaty and it was like midnight or whatever. So this car rolls up out of nowhere and I’m stark fucken naked. I’m also white as fuck. I glow in the dark. I make eye contact with the dude driving. I don’t make a move to cover up or anything because idgaf about being naked. I see his eyes widen….

With fear.

He fucken books it out of there like a bat out of hell.

And that’s the story about how I became a ghost sighting in a small town in New England.

[conrad-the-comrade]

[conrad-the-comrade]

[conrad-the-comrade]

I was chatting with a donor before I drew his blood, and he was a dentist. when I actually drew him, there was just a little squirt of blood and it surprised him

I looked him in they eye and told him “you’re bleeding because you don’t floss”

and he went dead silent

[conrad-the-comrade]

[conrad-the-comrade]

The story of The Upper East Side widow.

[conrad-the-comrade]

[conrad-the-comrade]

AU: President Obama falls for part white house intern part rockstar Harry Styles. Obama surprises Harry in the audience of one of his shows and the affair blossoms from there.

[conrad-the-comrade]

what if Mario was extremely egotistical and Sonic was more modest

[conrad-the-comrade]

delete this

[conrad-the-comrade]

Literally the cutest and most precious thing on this planet that must be protected at all costs

[conrad-the-comrade]

DRAG HJM

[conrad-the-comrade]

[conrad-the-comrade]

[conrad-the-comrade]

I let a sloth take a selfie on my phone in the amazon.