consciencespeaks

[consciencespeaks]

I dont know whats wrong with me.

All these rage. What is it?

Feels like am at the edge of breaking. From what? From whom?

From ME. From all the bullshit things I did. For the same sin i commit over and over and over.

What is wrong with me?

Last few weeks were good. I was over the moon. Happy. Believed in love.

And now, I just feel like I’m all by myself. No hope, No expectations. It is me who I can depend on. Myself.

I hate seeing things that make me mad. That I should not take control of. All I can do is be mad. All by myself and all these thoughts of “yeah, this is the real world, suck it up.” We are not going to be lovey dovey the whole time. It will be good for only the first fee months and then all the responsibilities comes and heck I will be left alone.

Damn. What is this thinking ? Like why am I being negative all of the sudden.

Like all these while I was jumping happily and all of the sudden I got hit by train or something.

Sigh.

[consciencespeaks]

Who would have thought,

That after you got married

I felt something...

U wished me a happy birthday, i took my time to reply you. As if it wasnt enough, u decide to tell me u bought something from your honeymoon trip. For me.

[consciencespeaks]

My bestfriend wedding

Sunday, coming into the hall with my mother, not feeling a thing. Not till the anouncement made for your arrival, with your new wife. You getting married feels more surreal than my ex boyfriend got married back then.

Tbc.

*C

Memories came back to me. You flicking your eyes, you staring at me, our long drive, late night, on the Penang bridge, way to Ipoh, Perlis, Terangganu,, i guess, i’m just a filled in for you. I don’t know what or how to think of us. I never had the courage to ask. That courage never came even as you’re walking down the aisle, my eyes just couldn’t look at you. I was so afraid to look at your eyes. Cause i’m not sure what look to give you. It’s a lie if I were to say I did not feel anything. I feel betrayed, sad, taken aback. I don’t know. I knew this is coming. It’s not that I want us. No. But thinking of all the things that had happened. I just .......

[consciencespeaks]

August 2019

These days, my interest flactuating from books, music, Netflix and keeping fit.

Books started when I came across Call Me By Your Name. It was in June. Where I was so into this story. Then I found out that they won the best adaptation for Oscar. And I bought the books, two of the same cover. Then, I start to go into the classics; bought Thomas Hardey, and Gatsby. As in right now, I am indulging two stories at a time; Hidden Bodies (sequel to Netflic YOU) and Enigma Variations.

Netflix was a mess. I’ve watched so many series in that; Peaky Blinders, YOU, Elite, Le Casa de Papel, etc. And thats how I come to be in love with Italy, Venice, Spain, i mean, bring me to Europe noww !!

And of just now, I just subscribed to a Piano lesson app. And oh, i bought a Yahama Keyboard.

I feel that there’s too many’re going on right nkw. Just wanted to keep it here.

[consciencespeaks]

Far from being friendzoned. Cause neither were in love with each other. But to satisfy her needs, somehow actions were shown intentionally. And the latter did noticed for he himself did responds for the wicked actions. Both were aware. But none was mentioned..

[consciencespeaks]

Certain someone

Theres a certain someone in your life that you would certainly never want to let go. No, I’m not talking about your first love. Even when the whole world said NO. Even when your love ones said NO. That certain someone (is not my boyfriend fyi) and theres no feelings or whatsoever between us. I wouldnt say we “click” or that we always agree on things. Just some ocassionally phone calls or texts that connects us.

[consciencespeaks]

A dear friend

i know what i did was wrong. I consciously let them happen while pretending not to know. And keep on pretending like it was nothing when in fact my mind was going else where. Im afraid that i am going to make him a bad guy. Cause i know that he did respond. Cautiosly and consciously for that matter. Ohh what have i done. A dear friend of mine, i am sorry..

[consciencespeaks]

Someone i used to know

Why did i avoid him again today? I just, if i go there, i just dont know how to react. Should i just ignore him? If no, then should i be friendly or just smile? Should i make a shock face? That would be ridiculous cause obviously my mom and sister would’ve mention to me that he is there. And now here i am. Feeling something inside of me. Guilty, regret,. I just dont know. Even then and until now, i am still writing about him. And While i am here writing my concerns, he might not even remember me.

[consciencespeaks]

Research in doing (hardest thing ever for a degree holder)

In doing research, i learnt that there is no time for you to be emotional. Keep your mind away from all those heart feelings for your friends and just go on with what you’ve got to do. Everything will turn out to be just fine,even happier for me.

STRESS conditions put people in their very own behaviour.  Some good some can be as selfish as ever. Well, you cant blame them when a 8 credit subject is at stake. just don't get held up by emotions, just keep your mind straight ang focused. Give your very best. Tawakkal to ALLAH S.W.T.

and heyy, its not so bad at all. Lets see how my result shall be.. later! :)

[consciencespeaks]

My boyfriend

My boyfriend is someguy who you would see eating alone in some restaurant. The kind of guy who whould follow his mother for groceries shopping and even buy curtains. The brother who would bring his sister to a movie.

Im jotting these out so that I wont forget, How amazing and one of a kind he is.

I know theres a lot more of him, Maybe later I would be adding on more points,

One thing for sure is If I accidently saw him one day, I dont think I would be able to tell he is my boyfriend.

[consciencespeaks]

Every once in a while

She picked that yellow shirt up, Suddenly this morning she had no trouble choosing, When all this while she spent minutes upon minutes, Staring at her cupboard, Troubled for what to wear.

It was him. He who appeared in her dream, Again. He who affected her decision. The fact that he is still there, She has not like it, She could not understand.

He who wont stop coming, Even for every once in a while, She still could not understand.

The fact that he was there, Handsome you, such a nice guy, Talked nicely, wondering nicely, and to the fact that He was waiting for her to come back The fact that she knew, She hates it.

She hates that it was all coming from her mind, She hates how she wouldnt want to wake up, She hates that she is not letting him go, She never wanted to go back. Thats she know of NOW.

[consciencespeaks]

Being Me

21 June 2013, midnight. What if, what i am is not an option, but being who i am is a choice. Im starting to think that i know who i am, what a person i am. The thing is, i am filled with bad qualities. I am not appreciative, i am jealous, i care less, i dont like people and i potray it. Now comes the second thing, why am i like this. Was it the past i went through made me someone like this? Was it the things i watched? Or listen? Or the people i was with? I know this is not the old me. I know that well. Why have i changed? Can i be changed back to how i am before? Cause i know, right now, i am like the bad girl that in every stories has.

[consciencespeaks]

this ENVY

whenever i am at a place with couples and i am not with my boyfriend, i know its normal to be longing for him. but was i really miss him? does a situation makes you miss someone. 

i mean  doesnt this miss come not because i really miss him, just need him cause someone else has a bf by her side? omg this is a big issue. 

what am i suppose to do? i guess i cant be talking this to him. its like shooting bullets to his ears. well, i'll try. 

maybe i should:

1. stop thinking and looking at everybody else.

2. appreciate what I have

3. this world is fair. everybody get whats perfect for them. so does ME. 

sighhhh. i must stop being so frustrating. 

[consciencespeaks]

friend in need, I ....

i've been knowing long time that she's been upset.

but i just ignore her. i dont know whats wrong with me when she is a dear friend indeed. 

wheres my values? lousy me. 

[consciencespeaks]

Call it Trembling?

Yesterday (18/3/13) i found out something about me. 

Call it tremble? overreact? foolish? 

Its when im facing with the one i like. 

I'd be like talking loudly, giggling, its like whatever i am doing, put twice of emotions and excitement in it. get me? Gosh its embarrassing.

I've been noticing me behaving like this before, and i kept on reminding myself ahh just shut your mouth Ninie. Why do you have to be so hyper? 

Then yesterday i realized. Is this my way of trembling in front of a person i like? if that so then it would be hard to stop it cause its my nature. ahah! 

Thinking of it again, did i tremble in front of my BF last time? bet i've done them a lot! goshh. that was superrr embarrassing, realizing it only now. -.-"

[consciencespeaks]

girl with them guys 16.3.13

there SHOULD be a space in between us.

for me, i think it would be better to just let them bf do their life work, there's no need for me to interfere.

i figure later in working envi, i dont even want to be in the same work place as my husband. i dont think i can handle the ''ahh its nothing, its just clique'' thingy. know what i mean? yeahh. 

cause im experiencing it now. 

in a mamak, sitting next to my bf, while he is discussing with his team mates. mean while i am here, failing to put a single concentration on my work. hearing musics as loud as hell cause i dont want to hear them discussing. oh gosh.. am i the jealous (make it CAPITAL) type of gf? ohh man. this is bad. 

guess its because i know, i know myself. i may flirt, but as long as my man treats me well, hell theres no other man can get into me. but is it because i dont trust my man? hurm.. thats the problem! then how am i supposed to counter this? not sure. yet. 

get back to this later. 

[consciencespeaks]

Your words of love keeps me going.

Through stress and bad moments,

Through the downwards and blues,

Those ''Love you'' and ''Missing you'',

Each night, 

Though just a simple word,

From just a simple goodnight text,

Those are the words that keeps me going...

Guess being far apart makes you emotionally in love ehh? ;)