consistent-self-destruction

[consistent-self-destruction]

Like seriously I can't bruh T.T

I've done EVERYTHING possible to keep myself preoccupied and distracted - playing guitar, writing songs, painting, coloring, journaling, making gifts for friends, working on digital creation projects, ATTEMPTING production work, doom-scrolling tumblr and pinterest, watching youtube videos, refreshing all three sites over and over and overrrr again, binging new shows, listening to new music, having dance breaks, trying to read again (heavy on try), like I mean EVERYTHING. And I still have other things on my mind too! I wanna get back into animal crossing, try my hand at rollerskating again, do my hair, start a scrapbook, study astrology again and keep a journal, and paint on clothes and gather inventory for a depop shop. I have so many little things I've been doing and little things I want to do, but I'm just getting so TIRED. Like my life is just at a standstill and in a waiting period right now, and I just crave change so BAD. I'm sick of being stuck in the house, I'm sick of being stuck in the heat, I'm sick of being alone, I'm sick of being broke, and I'm sick of trying to DISTRACT myself from all of those things! Cause when I get tired of trying to distract myself, I just remember that I'm not where I want to be and it's so frustrating and I feel so restless because I want to start the motion, I wanna start the walk to GET where I want to be and it's so agitating that right now I just have to wait.

Ugh this heat is KILLING me. And I miss my friends. And I want to start driving. And I want money. And I want to get out of this house NOW.

[consistent-self-destruction]

Somebody SAVE ME

Me when I run out of energy and passion for my stupid little hobbies and distractions so I am left with nothing but evil thoughts, evil reality, and evil unbearable heat

[consistent-self-destruction]

Me when I run out of energy and passion for my stupid little hobbies and distractions so I am left with nothing but evil thoughts, evil reality, and evil unbearable heat

[consistent-self-destruction]

I need to be dramatic for a second because I seriously feel like I'm DYING, like maybe the heat is just getting to me right now but AGHHH. I'm just so restless and agitated because I got back into the groove of writing songs again but I can't PRODUCE them the way that I want to. Like production work is HARD and every time I get on bandlab I just get so irritated and impatient cause digital technology is evil and doesn't like me and I just can't manage to bring the sounds in my head to life no matter HOW long I spend pressing all the buttons and knobs. Somebody PLEASE teach me to produce PLEASE. Or at least I would kill to KNOW a producer and have that kind of vibe where they just get you easily and know exactly how to bring your visions to life. Like those producer - writer duos? Need that SO bad </3 Because I'm genuinely really proud of my ability to write! I often forget that I actually can and usually I feel like a fraud and an imposter and like I've never written anything in my life. But then I have these moments where writing and art just starts pouring out of me and it gives me confidence in my abilities again. Which is great, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm just itching to try something new sonically. I love my guitar but I feel SO limited to it. I need something new, I need to experiment with new and fun exciting sounds and more importantly, I want to be able to produce the sounds that are in my head that just don't translate the same on guitar. But I'm not a producer. I don't know how to produce. I CAN'T produce, and despite having patience for many things I just DON'T have it in me for production. Once I've been trying my best to make a simple beat for just an hour I start to get pissed off like seriously. Because it's so simple in my head, so WHY CAN'T I GET IT TO COME OUT ON THE STUPID LITTLE SCREEN 😭 It is SO agitating omfg, like I really start wanting to cry cause I just want to be able to bring what's in my head to life so bad. The frustration is more than just not being able to do it. It's like having something in you that you just NEED to get out and you CAN'T. I hate working on something - whether it's a song or art project, essay, ANYTHING - and not being able to complete it to satisfaction or complete it at all, because then it's just stuck in me. All that potential, it just gets wasted. It's so disappointing, I hate it.

[consistent-self-destruction]

[consistent-self-destruction]

[consistent-self-destruction]

Delusion is definitely a disease because I don't even know if I can believe my angels anymore, they keep LYING TO ME!

I'm just being dramatic about it but I mean seriously, like SERIOUSLY.

There was this pick-a-card "you've got mail!" reading that kept showing up on my dash. And it was sooo adorable but I kept avoiding it. When it comes to tarot and things of spiritual nature, I really do not like to indulge very heavily in that side of the internet. I have a really firm belief that algorithms and the internet really fuck with the authenticity of divine messaging. I believe that some messages that find you can certainly be meant for you - but if you are constantly indulging in tarot and spiritual content, then algorithms and the internet are just going to push that in your orbit to get more engagement and clicks from you - which means you will constantly be face to face with energies and messages that's aren't meant for you!

I'm just balancing logic with intuition here. Because I do believe in spiritual forces, but I also know how the damn internet works 😭. I don't want to be naive, so I stay veryyy very far away from those like, Tiktok Tarot-teen types who comment "claim without xyz" under every freaking video. It feels very misled and a surface level-way almost fast-and-overconsumption way of engaging with spiritual energies. But I'm not trying to get into that right now, I just really needed to get it off my chest because it irks me so bad.

So this was one of those cases. The pick-a-card reading kept getting recommended on my dash, and I felt drawn to it, but I just ignored it. Finally after like the 5th time of seeing it and having to stop and stare at it for a little, I finally decided not to scroll and I watched it.

.. bitch my chest 😭. Like my GOD. This is one of my favorite things about tarot and spiritual content. When it resonates so DEEPLY and specifically that it's almost SCARY. That it feels like they were talking directly to you or they know exactly what your life is like despite being a complete stranger. The coincidences and how uncanny they are - too uncanny to JUST be coincidence, and it truly feels like something sent your way with intention. Something you needed to hear. And they really cement that this was meant for you specifically through the details that feel so specific and true to your life and experiences. It's so spooky. But I love it, and sometimes it can be comforting but other times it can be frustrating because again, I SWEAR my angels are liars. (Saying this with love, but seriously it really feels like you guys keep lying to me! 😭)

I say this because with this specific reading, I was drawn to 2 piles. It's not even that I couldn't choose, it was literally just that both felt like they had something for me. And both of them did! They were back to back, piles 2 and 3, and they both felt like a continuation of the other. It was spooky. Reading through 2 and then reading 3 as if it was just a sequel to 2. And it resonated extremely specifically and close to home - validating my intuitive thoughts and feelings on the situation with this person. It felt exactly like something they would say to me if they knew how to open up. Because they don't open up very easily. And so many things between us and with them in general go unspoken. They are very careful about what they say. But my intuition is incredibly strong with them - confirmed in our astrological synastry too. We have 8th and 12th house synastry which is prone to feeling like you know and understand someone - like you can see right through them, even when they put up walls. And it's TERRIFYING! To see exactly what they're going through and how they're feeling even when they don't tell you, and seeing it be confirmed in real time. We're naturally in sync in a lot of different ways, and again SPOOKY. But anyway, back to the reading - this pick-a-pile just really confirmed my intuition on our situation in terms of how they feel and how they've been doing. But not only did it validate my own inner downloads, but it was completely on par with other messages I've received about this person! I received another reading a while back that was also in regards to them - and this reading felt completely on par with that one. This combined with further signs and coincidences makes it feel like the universe is sending me these hints and this message over and over again as way of reassurance and confidence in our bond.

TLDR: This is not my first time getting this message! My angels keep repeating these reassurances, sending these same signs and hints. Over and over and OVER again.

But I just feel like I can't TRUST it. And that's not really intuition - I know for sure that that is anxiety. Someone once said "intuition whsipers, anxiety screams." And that's exactly how it feels. These messages and hints and signs are sent to me softly and gently, and they are like a little tug on the back of my skirt. A reminder, a soft reassurance. "Trust us." But my anxiety literally SCREAMS, like I genuinely have moments where I feel crazy and I go a little insane because after everything that's happened, it doesn't feel like I can trust it. It doesn't feel like I can trust myself. I keep getting hurt and disappointed and I can't keep going through that! Everytime I think I'm getting better or I think I've found the answers or I think I've met someone who will stay, it's never true! I don't get better - things get bad again. I don't find the answers - I feel confused and lost all over again. And everytime I meet someone who I love and care for deeply they don't. stay. And I get so hurt every. single. time. I'm afraid to trust this message. I'm afraid to trust these signs. I want to believe - I need something to believe in so badly, because then what would be the point? If I don't believe things get better and that people will be good to me, then the alternative is that it doesn't and that I can't trust anyone. And that's not only really pessimistic, but a painful truth to bear. I don't want that! But I don't want to be hurt again either. So when my angels send me these signs - these messages that feel so real and true that I want to believe so bad.. I just can't. Not anymore. I trusted them when they sent me these signs before, and it didn't work out. It has continuously just not. worked. out. So what makes this time any different? Why should I believe you now? Just because you keep repeating yourself to me I should have faith in the consistency and take that as a sign for things to be true? I don't want to be disappointed again. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to be deluded. It is a sick disease, and every disappointment that comes with it kills me. My chest hurts so bad. It was a beautiful reading and I'm very grateful to have saw it. I'm grateful for these things because they keep me connected to a sense of higher forces and spirituality. They make me want to learn more and practice more and understand more about the spiritual and divine world. They make me want to keep journals of my readings, practice tarot more, and study more - which I really enjoy. The journey, the exploration, and the learning. But the hardest part is just the uncertainty. I want to hug this reading close and take it as true because it was not just deeply resonant, but deeply sweet. And I'd like to believe in it. I'd like to believe in me. But I've been hurt and disappointed so many times that I just don't know if I can.

Delusion is a disease.

[consistent-self-destruction]

sometimes the tragedy of distance is very simple. i want to get groceries with you

[consistent-self-destruction]

so tired of being alone

[consistent-self-destruction]

Dear Angels, If you're actually listening, please send me a musician. Someone who plays piano, or bass, or electric guitar in the warmest way. Someone who knows songs like "Into Orbit" by Alex Isley. Make them super charming and sweet and a flirt and a tease but only with me. I'd like that please. I'd like a future apartment with them. Well I'd really love a home, but that seems almost impossible. So for now, any space just with them and their music. And I'd like to make dinner for them and listen to them play with all the candles lit. I'd like to get lost with them. I've lost so much, and I really don't want to lose anything more. But if I am to lose anything with them, I want to lose the rest of the world. I want to getaway from everything with them and in them, a safe little pocket nestled with all the comfort I've always needed and all the loved I've always craved. A voice rich and thick and warm like honey - but they don't have to sing. Just talk sweetly. But not too sweet. Too sweet and too cheesy feels fake. I like a little banter anyways - someone who challenges me, who I can annoy for fun and they'll take the bait because that's just how we play. And I've love to spoil them in every way - gifts and affection and endless love and I don't need any of that back, but I would love to just be thought of. Considered and caressed and cared for and held tight and never let go. Please bring me someone who will never let go. It gets so cold whenever the people you bring me leave. Let it last please. If it doesn't last forever then make me forget. Wipe it away. I think that's what has hurt most of all over the years. I have memories of every time I've been hurt and abandoned and lied to, and it's not the memories specifically that hurt, but it's the weight of all of them having happened that hurts. The fact that it's happened so many times for it to have weight in the first place. Won't you take it away? Or at least bring me someone who makes me forget. I'd like someone who takes me away from everything - including myself. Someone who feels like music. A soothing chord, a gentle note, magnetic melodies and reality-altering riffs and hypnotizing harmonies that send me into any world that isn't this one. So send me a musician, please.

[consistent-self-destruction]

i can't believe i ever had the nerve to say and even think "this will be my summer" pls

[consistent-self-destruction]

so frustrated so frustrated so UGHHH

but what else is fucking new

i need change now. i'm tired of waiting. im sick of being patient. i do my best but i have these moments and the anger that comes with it sets me on fire and i HATE it here. i need change now.

[consistent-self-destruction]

[consistent-self-destruction]

I'll set an altar for you one day. Until then, I am doing my best to be okay.

[consistent-self-destruction]

I wonder if you watch over me and I wonder what you would say. I wish I remembered your face.

[consistent-self-destruction]

i am trying so hard. calling back my peace, calling back my patience. and i will be my own liberator

[consistent-self-destruction]

maybe if i listen to lauryn hill maybe if i write in my book and play my guitar and cry a little and rock a little and talk to the angels again