constellationsinreverse

[constellationsinreverse]

voyage ii

embarking from the harbors of your embrace. this is me leaving the comforts of your soil and cruising away from the reminders of what could have been a sweet paradise. the wind will always lead me back to your shores, my compass will always point back to you, and my anchors will always remember your boundaries but this isn't about staying no, not anymore. you need not to curse for my safety, you need not to summon the wrath of the storms for my ship will sink as soon as I pull down my sails. and the depths of the sea will tell me what it could have been if we left together.

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For 3 whole years she has been my universe. I used to believe that the stars above only shine when we are together and constellations are made for us to witness. We’ve shed our even share of misery, glee and auroras. But then one night I just found out that I was too busy looking at the stars and I didn’t realize that the both of us are not looking at the same sky anymore. Now, I’m the only one who is trying to endure the long minutes between every sunsets and full moons.

She found someone new. Partly, I am to be blamed since I’ve lost my head somewhere. Believing it was just a moment of her confusion, I loved her regardless and I stood beside her when everyone she knows turned against her for leaving me. Of all the people, I was there. Not that I want a credit for martyrdom or chivalry. I just know that I couldn’t leave her. No, not while she’s on that state. I just know that she needs me. So I endure. I endure all the evening wherein only crying can lull me to sleep. I endure all the hours we spend talking about her new guy and their indifferences. Do I hate her? I should have. But I don’t. The truth is when she told me that she wants to be happy, I just want to support her in whatever role I can be. Even as a partner-in-crime. We meet in dark alleys lying to the world on what we truly feel. For a moment I become her number two. I’ve always known that adult relationship can be filled with complexities but I am not the complexity that she needs. Eventually she left her new guy too. But she didn’t tell him that it was because she still loves me. She just looked for another excuse. It was just fine with me. It didn’t even matter that she can’t stand up for me or if she will continue to see me in secret.  I thought we can start again. It was the perfect sequel. The boy who has endured suffering will finally get what he deserves, a love that is only his. But I was wrong.  By that was the time I felt that we are drifting apart. All the anger that I didn’t think I have in me surfaces. Tables were flipped. Words are thrown. I was broken into pieces. For months, I was a like a pigeon that keeps on coming back at her every time she sets me free. I kept on trying. I kept on swallowing the pride left in me. But in the end, all she sees was my anger; all she sees are the mistakes that I can never correct. I stood by her in her darkest times, and all her complexities. I stood by her when the world hated her. I loved her when she was impossible to love. I was the only one who has known the monsters under her bed, and the demon residing inside her, and I have stood by her all the same. I stood by her side when I was the one hurting the most. And yet she failed to recognize all my suffering.

For 3 whole years she has been my universe and looking at the stars has kept me alive. Four months has passed since she left and I’m still looking at the skies at night, chasing shooting stars. Hoping it will fall back to me.

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Space

I remember it clearly, the last time you folded that linen blanket and straightened up that cover of your side of the bed. Oh, how I float weightlessly around in uncertainty when you left. I was suspended in the air of nothingness, dodging and grabbing questions at the same time. Yes, I remember it clearly. You gave me space, but it’s more like you’ve taken it away with you. You said, that I need it, that it will be healthy, and that it will provide recovery for the both of us. But I know it is just your way of saying “let time decide for us.” And you were right, I needed it. I needed it to finally crumble down into pieces and give up on us.  And so I’ve taken the liberty to hang up this invisible vacancy sign in my chest. You told me all about space. I always thought that you’d be a great explorer. But you are your own star. You wouldn’t like to be the one providing a place for others to sparkle and you will never bother to notice how bright they are. And you’ve fed me of the wonders of that boundless territory. How you would like to fill that with memories, and smiles, and adventures… with me. But unlike that space, you have your limits. What you’ve failed to tell is how painful space can be. How frightening it is to be alone in that vast airless place. How it feels to see bodies collide and drift apart into a supernova of sorrow. How space can be like a vacuum that will suck up the breath and happiness I breathe. How space can be a portal to a void of oblivion. And how I can always revisit that place every night in my room. Space can be nurturing, space will allow me to grow but the only thing that have nurtured in me was pain as I grow up into a stranger I barely even know. And now who is filling that space you’ve abandoned? Cause as other strangers and space wanderers tried to take that side of my bed, as moans and cigarette smoke echo in my room, it will only be filled with the emptiness. Yes, it was empty but it seems that you never vacate that space. 

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This time, I’ll be selfish.

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the coldest winter

the coldest winter isn't the one that lasted for years nor the one with a rampaging snowstorm.

the coldest winter was that one summer when you decided to leave and never come back.

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look at me and witness how your embraces have dented me in places you used to touch me, how your lips have left marks and burnt me from inside out, witness how I have swayed to your every caress.

now look at me and tell how much I have changed.

[constellationsinreverse]

III. The Empress

the muses march forward, crowned with prudence and emerald, wearing their souls and sanity in their wings preparing for their flight, this is not an escape nor a take over, but a campaign to get equal and an attempt linger where titans soar.

never mind the woes and moss clinging in their legs, nor the world buried in their shoulders, these are weightless anyway.

and high above the ground they’ll purge the malice out from the virgins and harlots of this wonderland, taking their rightful place in the sky.

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Dear you, I'm done chasing my shooting stars.

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It was your third drink and you can’t take your eyes off from that brunette lady in white at the other side of the bar. You know she’s into you too so you finished your drink and confidently made  your way to her. As you drew closer to her, you thought of the cleverest thing to say to her to but then you know that it wouldn’t matter. You’ll just ask her if you can buy her a drink or if you’ve seen her before. Those lines always work and besides you know that she wouldn’t appreciate the minute you spent on thinking about an effective conversation starter. This is a club and what do you expect from a place that offers alcohol, loud music, and poor lighting. If someone were to look for a serious relationship, this will never be the right place. You told her your name; she told you it’s a cute name. You know she’s just pulling your leg, you hated your name for it is the same name your father has. She told you her name but after few more drinks and minutes of conversation about the obvious things you’ll realize that it wasn’t her real name. You’ll realize that her face looks like your mom’s. And you thought that maybe your dad met your mom in a club that’s why they are not together now. You’ll talk about the simplest things like the weather or something, about your fake hobbies and the lifestyle you both fabricated to impress each other. Those will be your walls; your protection from each other from penetrating your feelings for you both know that a club will never be the perfect place to fall in love

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It has been exactly 2 months since you decided to take her home and somehow you’ve now convinced yourself that she’s worth the things you can’t promise. You told yourself that this time it will last; that you’ll probably get married and your kids play in the backyard of your thoughts. you keeping pushing away the idea that she’ll be just like Vanessa, or Carol, or that woman from the train, or any other girls who just filled the space of your bed during the emptiest nights and emptiest of feelings. “She’s different”, your brain told you, no, you told your brain. Yeah, she’s different alright; she can cook good pancakes, and can sing along to Carraba’s and Buendia’s song. She says the random-est of things you dreamed of. She also knows how you hate the late night dramas and complains with you how lousy and cliche their stories are. But what you can never told her is that your story might be the same as the late night dramas you two hate watching at night: bound to the same ending you keep watching when your heart felt being at the wrong place at the scariest time. And you know that in years to come, she will never take your surname, and you can never take her child. She’ll be just another girl. Another soul that will remind you that the world is a lonely place to be alone.

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i see frustration as you try your hardest to deny the words meant to point out who i have always been and who i'm still now

and all the rage and all the hate fitting closely in a single thud of a door that will never open up to bear your face again

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Abandoned Stars

grace in these delusion and frequent moments in grey

as blinking lights and promise of warmth serve as guides

to a stronger delusion: a conscious submission to space and memories

and this time no one will ask how the stars looks like tonight

not because we chose not to look up but because the sky will be the same from now on.

[constellationsinreverse]

and here you lay, etched with his kisses, bent in parts where he used to embraced you; drunk in his scent -- deluded in memories.

as i touch the trails he left, do you feel me? and when i hold your hand, who do you see?

obviously not me.

[constellationsinreverse]

She has found someone new. It’s not even a month since we broke up. It’s not even a formal break up. How easy it is for a person to throwaway 3 years for someone you just met? I’m mustering all my power to be strong. I am looking for answers and she’s giving me none. She’s dodging me.

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In case someone is wondering what I have been doing all this time. Yep, I’m taking digital art seriously now. Feel free to give your opinion regarding on how my work looks like. I’m stull learning I’m thinking of starting a series like this. A “book cover x character.” Or somethin’. And yeah, it seems like I will posting more of these now.

[constellationsinreverse]

I will always remember this pain – how difficult it was to keep on searching for someone else when I already found you.

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Voyage

water on the deck, a hole in our hearts. a tear on the sail, storm in our heads.

these hands we keep busy by holding on to memories instead of of taking the helm

these mind we keep busy by thinking of what if's instead of each other

these words we keep in for alibis and excuses have spoke silent farewells

we're voyaging in circles, sinking each other, sinking feelings, sinking further,

and as we both jump on the depth of our own shallowness we hope for another mouth to breathe us life

only to be washed up on each other's shore

still on a storm.