constellunette - Tumblr blog

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there's something extra fucky about having a chronic illness that is exacerbated by stress. things are bad at work and it's making my joints + my maybe?psoriasis flare. and the longer I think about it the more insane it makes me. next time somebody tries me i want to grab and shake them and be like "your bullshit is doing literal physical damage to my one and only human body!!! cut it out!!!!! im not paid enough for this!!!!!"

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the worst part about being a young adult is having to watch your most mentally ill least well adjusted friends decide to go into psych careers

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so far in the past week-- and it hasn't even been a full seven days!-- I have

-- gotten laid off

-- found out my chronic condition is getting worse

-- watched my dog die

radical stuff!! that's March for you!!

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trying to make lemon pie. mom starts adding raw eggs. I'm like "hey, can we... not? I've made this several times with no raw eggs and it turned out just as well without the salmonella risk" so now she's mad at me because "the lemon juice cooks the eggs 🙄🙄🙄" (no it doesn't) and "I don't appreciate you acting like you're so much smarter and know better than tradition" (in this case, I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes, I do, scuence has advanced tremendously and That's The Thing About The Old Days. Thems The Old Days.) but whatever salmonella pie I guess. fuck me.

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my grandma is the type of person where she can't just vibe she Needs to be helpful and prove that she's six steps ahead doint the Right Thing. and it's exhausting!!!!!! I am easy-going on purpose because I like my life being as frictionless as possible. almost nothing in day-to-day life is worth pitching a fit over. so many things are within the boundary of Okay 👍. and it's frustrating to have someone essentially refuse to take you at your word and invent problems for you to have so they can be the one to solve them. I am chill why is the version of me that exists in your head so profoundly unchill!!!!

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LIFECHANGING BREAKING NEWS

I got a kalanchoe blossflediana at my grandpa's funeral back in 2016. it was a big and hearty plant, 3 stalks in an 8 inch pot, just covered in pink flowers

then over the course of a few years i almost killed it from neglect. no blooms, main stalks shriveling, just a few leggy tendrils.

maybe four years ago at this point I took the literal two (2) tiny shoots that showed the tiniest signs of life (like cannot overstate were talking a few inches of skinny stem with one leaf) and propped them. and since then they've gotten big and strong!! very proud.

but today!!!!!!!! I notice they have buds!!!!! it's going to flower for the first time in 8 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAA!!!

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birthday recap: honestly a pretty good one! had a really nice time with my friends tonight, and family stuff also went pretty well. now that that's out of the way, time for the inevitable kvetching.

i do wish C had been there. like im not angsty about it bc she's 100 miles away I did not remotely expect her to come. but I've spent my last 4 birthdays with her and I really did miss having her around.

this is the first year since I've known her that K hasn't told me happy birthday and it just makes me very Sad. like honestly the last several years I've been surprised she remembered and it really meant a lot to me that even though we barely talk she made a point to reach out. so conversely I'm not exactly surprised that she forgot this year but it does bum me out in a big way. like this is pitiful but I'm realizing that that was one of the things I looked forward to on my birthday, just getting confirmation that she was still aware of my existence. oof.

genuinely pissed at N for telling me she would come to my party and invite me to hers only to hit me with "actually ican't come to your party because I decided to have mine at the same time... but you can come to mine if you want!" On Myy Birthday like what the hell. I think this is my sign to take a step back from that relationship. because she says we're important to her and should hang out more but whenever I put in the effort she just has 0% follow through. second time in a row she's "double booked herself" after making plans with me, third birthday in a row she's left me feeling Bad.

L also just straight up forgot my birthday which is kinda hilarious to me. go queen show your true colors we love to see it.

Speaking of, a moment of pure delusion: another year another mild dissapiintment that L (original) didn't reach out. alas.

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it recently clicked for me that my hair is not "on the thin side of normal" so much as "pathologically thin" which is upsetting for all the normal reasons. and one thing ive been doing I'd looking through old photos trying to figure out when it started which is tricky bc I don't have that many pictures of my head. but to the best of my carbon dating: around my junior/senior year of hs. which is kind of hilarious because once again I am looking back as a relatively happy adult and realizing 2018 was objectively like, the worst year of my life. I woke up at 6 am and did school until I cried myself to sleep at 9 pm. I had no interaction with my friends or hobbies. I was so stressed and vitamin deficient that my periods stopped and apparently my hair fell out. but I spent the entire time gaslighting myself into thinking it was fine and normal!!!! whadda hell!!!

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bashing my head against the wall

my dad and i go to visit my grandma on saturday afternoons. yesterday my dad told me my aunt and cousin, who I haven't seen in at least a year, also might be coming in the see her, but he wasnt sure when exactly or if they might cancel.

"cool!" i said. "I'm free all day, just let me know."

"okay," he said. "it'll probably be around our normal time."

flash forward to an hour before our normal time (2:30). I have heard nothing from my father. this makes me wonder if they either didn't end up coming, or would be there at the same time as us. however, as I say to my mother, "if i find out they came and went and he didn't tell me, I'm going to be mad."

my mother takes it upon herself to text him and ask. because she knows this man. and he says. "oh. they got here at 10:00 this morning and just left a few minutes ago at 2:00."

I begin a thousand-yard stare that may never end.

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I can tell I'm getting old bc I'm looking forward to getting an MRI on my hand because its essentially an excuse to take off work and go take a nap. but also dreading it because. $500 nap.

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I hate driving more than almost anything in the world. especially on the interstate, and especially at night. friend very kindly offered to give me a ride in a situation that would have involved both and I greatfully accepted. but then. there was construction on the interstate and we missed an interchange and ended up in a shady part of town and she was generally driving kinda sus-ly and her GPS was perpetually calibrating a turn too slow. and you know what? for the first time in my life, as i sat there white-knuckling my purse in the passenger seat, I found myself thinking, "wow, I wish i had just driven myself." so maybe this was actually a beneficial experience for me.

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aw man. we're in that weird weather zone where it gets cold enough overnight to make the house chilly but it's warm enough during the day that it's really not worth turning on the heater. so I've been walking around in six layers of socks and blankets and its really been helping me get into the seasonal vibe. but I guess my stepdad finally broke bc he turned the heater on so now the house is normal temps and smells weird :(

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kinda furious i had to do a week in office immediately after recovering from covid and a few days into it I got really sniffly and sneezey and freaked out thinking it was a covid rebound and feeling like shit for maybe being a plague rat but it finally occurred to me to take a zyrtec and it seems to be curing me so uh. I think I'm just allergic to my aunts dogs.

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me all week bored out of my mind: hmmm I don't want to do anything besides be on that phone

me the second I start feeling sick and know i need to rest: all I want is to scrub the walls and catch up on months of seeing projects

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watching your parents attempt to use technology is a special kind of hell. my mom just typed "zillow real estate homed for sale" into the youtube search bar on our TV.

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screaming and crying one of my favorite halloween traditions is rewarding a bunch of kids show halloween specials throughout the month of october and i just realized I can't use my roommate's streaming services anymore because we now "live in different cities" might throw up.

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for a long time I was just straight up pissed at j because he was an ass to me and complicit in if not outright the cause of c being kind of a shifty friend, but now coming up on a literal year since the last time we spoke I'm realizing I kinda miss having him as a friend. ugh. and im starting to miss c, which is new, because for the past four years we've lived in a shoebox together. and of course i miss n and l. what's new. c saw e the other day- back to missing them. and let's throw other n on the pile too while we're at it. i miss the kids because im not at school with them this year. and i had a dream about k last night so of course I miss her. UGH!!!! ugh.