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Hope for the democratic party?

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much like the minotaur I am a creature in some sort of situation

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Stop doing what you're doing right now and go cancel a subscription. Chances are you're inadvertently donating money every month to a political party, long-dormant print magazine, streaming service, doomsday cult, or predatory mega-corporation. You are gaining literally no benefit from it. You probably forgot you even had it set up. That money could be spent better elsewhere, by cramming it into the mouth of your local weirdos.

All around you are folks trying to make something very strange. Maybe they're electrical engineers who are trying to build this thing they saw in their dreams, the humming menace that destroys the earth. Perhaps they're just some local artist working hard to make a mug that looks a whole lot like a cat's butthole. No matter what, you can afford to support these folks financially by simply reaching out and cancelling a recurring payment to some group of faceless assholes.

Conversely, those faceless assholes love subscriptions, for the precise reason you may have already guessed. People forget to stop paying them. Or, more likely, they've made it a huge pain in the ass to stop paying them. Don't worry. Here at Seat Safety Switch's Subscription Scam Scancellers (we couldn't come up with a good synonym, and Ted in accounting kept pushing really hard for "ceasers" without realizing that's A: not a word, and B: doesn't start with S) our job is to make sure that you get your five to nineteen dollars a month back in your pocket.

How do we do it? With machine learning, you ask? Take your R2D2 fetish somewhere else, freak. No, we do it the old fashioned way: by hiring people who are too salty to work anywhere else. Half of our employees are former stevedores and union electricians who got fired for swearing too much at work. They will absolutely not take "no" for an answer, and sitting all day on the phone yelling at customer service robots while they burn through a pack of Pall Malls and a flat of malt liquor is essentially a holiday for them.

So call on us today, and we'll get you hooked up. Of course, to get the best service, you'll need to be part of our "Premium Club," which involves a small payment of only $7.50 a month. Your first three months are reduced to $3.60 a month! You can cancel anytime you figure out how to.

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I love grindr images like this, they're so awesome sauced

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Hate when the cd drive pushes a disc back out like a kegel

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i was supposed to go to bed an hour ago dont tell my mom

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I think it’s funny but also very wholesome that Josh Hutcherson was open about how he’s bicurious/flexible.

“Maybe I could say right now I’m 100 percent straight,” “But who knows? In a f**king year, I could meet a guy and be like, ‘Whoa, I’m attracted to this person.’”

Because yeah he’s right who knows. It be like that sometimes! It’s okay to just be like wow! I like this person regardless of gender!

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thoughts.

could i survive a danganronpa? NO. i would betray everyone and die in fifth trial.

Could i survive your turn to die? YES. no reason neede.  suck sou silly

could i survive squid game? NO. my bones are made of metal

could i survive a saw trap? YES. as long as it’s not rigged.

could i survive in breaking bad? YES. saul goodman

could i survive in Walking Dead? Tv NO. zombie bites me in a walgreens.

could i survivein house MD? YES. i have boob s so house spares my life in the final round.

could i survive Death Note? YES. i know how to act like a normal teenage boy. and i would fuck misa and never kill L so i would live .

could i survive Fruitsbaskets? NO. that damn rat.

could I survive batman? NO. batman drops a flare on me 1000 times and i die.

could i survive minecraft? YES. but they put me in plains biome

could i survive in nosferatu 1922? YES. i know about world war 1 and

could i survive hotline mimi? YES. my mask is an anteater and i eat the ants

could i survive TF2? YES. im friends with sniper.

could i survive pokemon? NO. i dont know the pokemon an dthey can sense this like horses.

could i survive FNAF? NO. me and rotting guy have fun nad i get eaten

could i survive AP US History exam? YES. i gotta 4.

could i survive Dark Souls? YES. you have unlimited life in there.

could i survive Kitchen Nightmares? NO. gordon ramsey bakes me into a dish because i made him licorice pizza.

could i survive Diary of a Wimpy KId? YES. i bravely fight gregg in 1v1 combat and i win, using the civil war tactics his father taught me.

need i say more?

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why did they make cheap stuffed animals being made out of shitty material into an ableism issue

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Presents

"He's not going to want that." said Garf.

"He will." said Dave.

"... I ... look there's no way."

"Trust me. I'm Human for tax purposes."

Dave presented Phalanges mittens with the gift she'd aquired.

"It's from Tsin." she said happily as Phalanges tore the paper off.

"It's... a stick?" said Phalanges.

"Yup."

Phalanges bounced it in his hand, spun it a few times, tapped it on the floor, then tried a dramatic lunge.

"Oh wow, this is a really good stick!" he said

Dave nudged Garf. "Told you so."

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It's not cannibalism if we eat YOU

Tsin eat their honored dead.

"We didn't used to." said Dave The Human, a very non human female, and of course, Tsin. "It's part of that 'oops, bombed ourselves into near extinction' thing. After a while you end up recycling a lot more than your ancestors were anticipating. If you know what I mean." she said.

Phalanges Mitten, biologically and culturally human, but Atrix for tax purposes nodded along. "I mean... I see it." he said.

Garf on the other hand flashed a gorgeous sherbert orange across her cheeks and forehead and declared that she had a great joke.

"These three Tsin go to Earth, and they join a corporation. At first everyone's worried they might eat someone but after a couple of months everything's fine. Then one day one of the janitors goes missing, and the police show up and say "Hey, you three, do you know anything about the missing Janitor?" Well they all deny it and the police move on. And as soon as they're laone the Big Female starts smacking the other two. "OK!" she says "Which one of you squeeps did it?!" And the Big Male says "Ok Ok, it was me!" So the Big Female says "Oh you knuckle! You kthok! You Squeap! Three months - We've been eating vice presidents and nobody even noticed - why'd you have to eat someone they'd actually miss?!"

Phalanges choked a bit and cringed, and looked around to find Dave clutching the bulkhead, making a sound like glass being chipped, almost paralysed with hilarity.

"It's the way I tell them." said Garf to Cat Fantastic and Un-Named Male.

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Brilliant

The Black Market

Space is big. I mean... really big. Like even bigger than a really big rock.

And boring.

But sometimes you get an encounter...

Boring is the worst part.

You can go into space and there's all sorts of cool stuff like the microgravity, the amazing view... and after a while it's just dark and the computer goes 'Boop' every quarter time unit, and this amazing experience collapses into the same space as e.g., being in a nursing home until someone tells you that you've arrived, and you can go look at cool stuff again.

Hence Interstellar Cruise Liners.

Space travel is still not cheap - even a run up and down a space elevator needs paying for, so you want to take as much cargo and paying passengers as possible.

With automated shipyards, you can just pour money and resources into building a truly huge passenger module, stack it on top of some cargo modules and clamp on as many drive units and crew modules as you need.

Load everyone in, let them ooh and ahhh at the view for a day then spin up a gateway and fire the whole thing into superluminal space and drop it out around any world you have a beacon for.

The really great thing is even if you lose the beacon in transit, you are a beacon. Just drop out and wait. Anything goes wrong, the home office can send a rescue ship after you.

In the meantime, there's the ship's amenities: The lush mossy jungle deck, the galactic beach, the games rooms, the dining groves, the on-board university - Even the theatre for live and recorded entertainment.

Still passengers like to have an experience, and so the Sunward Sail out of Ggxcha with seven hundred passengers dropped out of Superluminal space, the bow wave of exotic particles heating the backstop up to a glowing red.

The Sunward Sail dropped into a lazy orbit around an ancient planet, orbited by a big station trailing glittering wreckage - Obviously something dramatic had gone down here.

The lights were on though - So not a derelict station - and the docking was smooth, so the first set of tourists stepped onto the station, onto the Market deck.

So much to see! So much to do!

Madam Shi-shi's bakery run by a happy Tsin selling classic Tsin pastries, and exotic purple rolls with various filling and other goods.

The Top n' Charmed Quarks Bar with the scarred Atrix obviously a veteran of some war or calamity, serving exotic and colourful drinks:

"Dare you try the Human Menu?" she suggests, pulling it out. "Watch out, the Temple of Shir-li is banned in twelve systems..."

They even have a chance wheel!

Then there's Honest Gar's Genuine Human Antiquities, the wares spilling out from the shop in a riot of colours and patinas, where one can buy a genuine antique reproduction Victorian Empire TV, or a genuine Human Made Brown's Kitchen Imp that can tell you how to make a thousand and five human style recipes with a little sheet glass projection hologram of a human in glasses and red horns. So quaint!

And if you get to the end of the market, or one of the traders tips you off, you can find...

The Black Market

There's someone there, a weathered old... unless they were young... spacer, in a patched and scuffed EVA undersuit with 43 on the chest, who'll spin you unbelievable tales for a couple of creds dropped into the old cracked space helmet he keeps on the table next to him and if you ask, he'll let you in -

The back rooms are dark, rowdy, and full of the coolest stuff. There are lots of humans here, and there's an Atrix little guy, with a set of goggles, riding low on the belly of this Atrix Mech.

If you're lucky you can see one of the humans with some grudge square off agianst the little guy. He's surrounded by switches and levers, with a little pair of waldos.

The mech lurches to life, an angry display on its faceplace, growling in a rattling synthetic voice:

Combat mode! Engaged! Polaron Claws. Charging.

It's claws glowing white hot as it swings into motion, and the Human pulls a little cobbled together blaster out and takes a pot shot. The Mech lurches and sparks, warning lights flashing ominously...

Reactor. Overheat. Reactor. Overheat. Emergency. Venting.

The stricken mecha whirls, the little guy screaming in rage and flipping clunky archaic controls... And then when everything seems to be about to go wrong, the mech begins to spray clouds of vapour from it's vents and the alerts wind down, while the scurrilous human takes the opportunity to flee.

It's very dramatic.

And after that you can buy a souvenir arm patch of Cat Fantastic's Mecha with glow in the dark Polaron claws, before it's time to head back - Don't forget to pick up a packed lunch from Madame Shi-Shi's!

--

"Ugh." said Dave, "I don't mind the tourist run but it ruins my appetite" she muttered.

"You shouldn't snack on your own stock." says Big Ma, touching up Gondy's makeup.

Phalanges, helmet off, chin up and enjoying the cool air blower form the converted life support rig that they'd modded into the mecha grunts noncommittally.

"How are we doing boss?" Raxy asks, potting up souvenir Tsin fungus with Atrix moss and human basil.

O'Patel flashes an OK hand sign. "We are... hitting the funding goals. One more shift - This time it's for the bonus pay." he says with satisfaction and Big Ma looks around, checking everyone's ready as someone helps Cat Fantastic back into his cockpit basket and Gondy makes sure there's enough grenadine left.

"OK people... Showtime!"

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Uh-Oh

The human formerly known as Davce (The Human), currently running under the moniker of Phalanges Mittens, who was, for staffing purposes a two-meter-tall marsupial lizard of no particular gender paused and took a step back to look at the hardware that was causing issues.

Phalanges looked over at the equipment cart, repurposed to be the office of Cat Fantastic, a small, iguana-sized Atrix, and technically Phalanges spouse adjacent partner.

"Doing OK, Cat?" he asked and got a cheery "Graak" back.

Garfield, an actual Atrix looked amused and asked her little guy the same. "Doing Ok, Un-Named?" and got a "Grak?" from her natural pouch where her little guy was riding.

"Nobody asks me if I'm OK." said Dave The Human, an Adult female Tsin.

"Should have got yourself a Little Guy." Garfield told her good buddy cheerfully.

"Ugh. They're too big to fit in a pocket and besides my pet rat would get jealous." Dave stated, and checked, for the twentieth time, the schematics of the lump of scheming machinery.

"What about that dude who nearly ate number 43?" suggested Phalanges, shining a light behind the input pipes.

Dave tried to recall them "Oh yeah... nah, they're nice but a bit thirsty. I'm not planning on a family yet." she said. "I need someone who's less desperate to..." she looked around at the other four all of whom were legally Atrix, the least sexually oriented species known to breathe oxygen.

Even Phalanges, who's genetically human had never shown any interest in sex. "... less desperate." she said. "But I think I need someone who gets me on a more... Tsin level? No offence"

Everyone paused to consider this, apart from Un-Named Male who was asleep again.

Dave was a Big Female: The klunky translation of a concept for the Tsin gender of "The most female type of female", which culturally also carried the suggestion of being the sort of person who's in charge of everyone else: "She who shouts at everyone to clean their claws".

Tsin have at least four main genders. At least one gender is capable of swapping naturally. Dave's at the far end of the Tsin gender spectrum, biologically at least, and interpersonal relationships are complex when one's bestie girl-friend might spend too much time hanging out with you and accidentally swap to male. On the other hand (of which, Dave has four) Dave's picked a male name from a species that has two broad categories for biological genders and still managed to make things weird.

Everyone took a moment to consider this as they stared at the hardware giving them issues.

The Waste Organic Matter/Biologicals from Living Environments Recycling unit was supposed to scavenge through any organic matter that ordinary people left behind, and crack the compounds down into base blocks that could then be used to build up any other chemicals or compounds via one of the bio-reactors. Soap for example.

On a space station, this sort stuff is considered useful, since nobody wants to be hip deep in garbage and leftover food.

"We need this thing's full name." said Phalanges thoughtfully.

"Wot?" said Dave and Garf did the rippling colour display that was equivalent.

"It's human hardware. It runs on human rules, so if we knew it's full name I could call it out and it'd know it was in trouble."

Dave and Garfield, who both had degrees in Human Stuff gave each other some pretty hilarious side eye.

Phalanges pulled up the pitch shifter for the rarely used translator, and said "Squeap sqk qk sqwp, what do you think you're doing?"

Dave, startled by the use of her real, full name dropped her tablet and cringed, scales all folding flat, and her big hands coming up over her head as she pulled her small hands out of her front pocket and covered her muzzle.

Garf stared in amusement, cheeks and forehead rippling opalescently. Cat Fantastic peered from the little office that Dave and Phalanges had built him. "Graak?"

"No it's not sorcery." said Phalanges.

"Could have fooled me." muttered Dave. "Gods of the place, I see what you mean. Don't do it again, I'd have to murder you and not eat you." she muttered shaking her scales back out and patting the air down one handed to show it was meant lightly.

"Graaaaak?" asked Cat.

"Tsin eat people they like or admire, if they can, when they die. It's respectful." explained Phalanges distractedly.

"'S right." agreed Dave. "For example I wouldn't take a single bite of this squeap machine."

Meanwhile Un-Named Male who'd been disturbed form his nap, reached out unseen by anyone but Garf and pointed at the fuse panel: The fuses were fine but the wiring harness connector had been pulled half out.

Garf looked around and pushed it back with a surreptitious claw...

"I have an idea." she announced.

Garf picked up Dave's Tablet and looked at it. Then she planted herself in front of it, crossed her arms, and said:

"Waste Organic Matter/Biologicals from Living Environments unit model Zero Romeo Indigo November Zero Charlie Oscar, serial number... five dash two dash one nine seven three, what do you think you're doing? We were relying on you to do your job. You need to take responsibility for your role on this station! I'm not angry, I'm just very disappointed"

And then clicked the reset button.

She stood there with Un-named Male's nose hanging out of her pouch, Phalanges, Dave and Cat staring in surprise: Of course the recycler clicked and powered up.

"Good." declared Garfield, who passed Dave his tablet back and grabbed her tool bag. "I'm on break!" she called as she swaggered off.

"How the hell did she...?" said Phalanges, and Dave shrugged.

"I guess it really does run on human rules." she said.

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OK, New Plan.

Space piracy isn't a thing. It's not economical, practical or something anyone can pursue for any length of time.

Anyway, the ship had been captured by space pirates, and they'd dropped the temperature in the passenger modules down to a few ticks under the freezing point of water: The Atrix passengers were all huddled up, torpid, protecting their little guys, and the Thotari Pirates were planning on pillaging the cargo and personal possessions while things were quiet.

They'd checked the manifest: 12 Atrix passengers, and four crew, also Atrix. Easy pickings.

So it was a little bit of a surprise when they cracked the door to the passenger module and one of the Atrix turned out to be somewhat genetically human.

It was holding a hot beverage in one hand and used the other to grip the first Thotari Contract Pirate around their scrawny neck, dragging them off their feet.

Then it used that individual to beat the others until they snapped their contract markers and sat their asses down.

Everyone knows the Thotari take contracts very seriously. Snapping the marker was as good as surrender: No Thotari with any self respect would work unpaid.

The Pirate Executive Officer, employed for her bulk and experience took personal umbrage regarding this whole mess and thundered onto the ship, with several large sharp weapons, and some very cool looking armour, determined to perpetrate terminal events to the Human's biology.

The Human took one look and threw it's drink in her face. Then gave her a vicious kicking while the bitter alkaloids in the toxic concoction caused the PEO to collapse with uncontrollable spasms.

According to the logs, the Human took time out and poured another cup of coffee, turned the heat up, glared at the rest of the Thotari until they snapped their contract markers rather than deal with any of that and walked onto the Pirate's ship.

At which point they called the Pirate's backer up, and spent a half hour explaining in horrifying detail what they would personally do to that individual, and how much worse it was going to be if they didn't stop this inane crap.

The Thotari picked up their PEO and hooked her up to their ship's medical bay, said 'no hard feelings it's just business' and left.

---

"How was your trip?" asked Dave The Human.

"Pretty quiet," said Phalanges Mitten, AKA Dave. "Glad to be back, though. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to take a decent nap on those haulers - And don't get me started on the Coffee!"

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Notes on Humans

Raxy:

Humans irresistably think anyone smaller than they are is a juvenile

They will sneak you treats

Theys top doing this when you grow larger. This is unfair.

Strong-Like-Sunlight

Humans will invent a scenario then consensually act as if it's true, while acknowledging the scenario is not real E.g Performatively pretending a female Tsin is a Male human. This is either the source of, or the result of their peculiar mental flexibility. They are aware of this and use it for amusement or for modelling scenarios. They will then work backward from the scenario goal and determine the likely steps needed to implement this.

They will often sneak treats to small Atrix based on some sort of parenting reflex, but they never provide treats to Tsin. This is unfair.

Garf

Humans have a weird sense of humor

They make great movies though

Italian food is amazing

They can't see their own stripes

They love to roll in fruit scents

They usually have snacks and treats that they will eat without sharing, which I consider unfair.

Gondy

If a human likes you they will do crazy things to look after you.

This includes bringing you treats if they think you need them.

They only seem to think you need treats if you're hurt which is a little unfair.

Un-named Male

Graak!