cooperffs - Tumblr blog

[cooperffs]

"I won't question it, not really because I know I love you and I didn't think I was capable of loving anything or anyone. But then you came into my life, you were the first person to look at me without sad, pitying eyes. It was like you didn't care what I had done in the past. It was the first time in a long time that anyone had treated me like a real person and I knew from that moment I was fucked." He laughed lightly, remembering back to the party his brother had thrown. Cooper could vividly remember standing out on the back porch, smoking and trying to get as fucked up as he could to avoid others and be able to ignore it all. He could remember bickering with Jesse and the male treating him like he was no different from the rest of the crowd at the party. It was from that moment Cooper knew he wanted to know more about the basketball star, the one with the gorgeous face and the one who clearly held secrets behind his deep brown eyes. Cooper had never imagined falling in love with him, but he had, he'd flipped his world upside down. Jesse had changed him. Tentatively, Cooper adjusted himself just enough to place a kiss upon the other man's lips. "I never know what I'm doing." He admitted, shaking his head just slightly. "I don't know why you love me,  or what I do to make you stay, but somehow you do and I don't think you realize how grateful I am for it. You make me better, did you know that?" Cooper whispered, resting his head back down on Jesse's chest. "You make me better and everyone can see it. It's why my family loves you so much. My mom thought she was going to lose me, thought it was the end until you showed up. I've heard her say as much while talking to my father. She thinks you've been sent from heaven to look after me." Cooper felt himself flush, repeating conversations he'd heard in hushed tones while walking around his house late at night.

003. — making it work

"I know it’s hard to understand, but at least I know that you won’t always question it. Sometimes, but not always." He muses, and he thinks he’s right. Because even though Cooper may not always get why Jesse is so enamored by everything about him, he was sure that there were more times, more often than not, that he felt like there was only truth to his words. Jesse felt like it was a privilege to have Cooper trust in him the way he did, and he wouldn’t do something as petty as lie about how he feels to damage that. Their mutual respect and care for each other was something that couldn’t be diminished, couldn’t be overlooked. "It might have to do with the fact that you’re quite breath-taking. And you steal mine away without even trying. Or really knowing what you’re doing." Jesse teases, a small breath of laughter leaving him as his he stop stroking the boy’s hair to run his fingers along his bare spine. 

[cooperffs]

Cooper closed his eyes and took a deep breath, a small smile slowly making it's way across his features. He'd never understand it, how one person could have changed so much for him. He'd also never be able to explain the relationship they had to anyone else, they wouldn't understand it because he couldn't make sense of it himself. It just was. "Alright." Cooper breathed in response, looking up to meet Jesse's eyes. "Sometimes I don't like to ask though, I don't like seeing that sad look that crosses your face. I don't like making you think about that stuff." He whispered, nuzzling into Jesse's gentle and comforting touch. It wasn't something he ever expected to happen, falling in love and finding a purpose to try and turn things around. Sometimes Cooper wished he wasn't-- himself, and that he could be better for Jesse. He wished that he was more like his brother, more like the other kids at school and didn't have to drag the other male through everything along with him. Cooper knew that it was stupid to wish it, that if he had been  more like someone else, they wouldn't have the relationship they did. Jesse loved him despite the very obvious problems that they would no doubt face. Cooper didn't know how to thank him for that.  "I don't know either," He admitted. "I don't know how I manage to do anything, honestly. I'm still surprised I've somehow managed to make you fall in love with me. That I'll never understand."

003. — making it work

Some probably wouldn’t get it — wouldn’t understand why Jesse would go as far as to assure the other male that he will always feel that way about him, give him that blanket of security when he will all but lose it if fate decides to take an awry turn. But if it brings his boyfriend comfort, he doesn’t mind being completely honest with him. That’s what relationships called for, and he was just glad that they were getting a chance to get to finally communicate small things like that, things that most wouldn’t. “You can ask me anything, alright? And I’ll tell you the truth.” He murmurs, his fingers still gently carding through the other’s hair. And, okay, maybe he liked being the one that took care of Cooper, but it was more than that. It was always more than that. He was just — he was everything, and he didn’t know how to make that any more clear than he already had. Jesse feels his skin flush from the way the other boy’s lips brush against his chest, and it spreads from his cheeks and down his neck. “I don’t know how you manage to do that.” Jesse breathes, “Still make me nervous after all of this time.”

[cooperffs]

Oddly enough, it sets Cooper's mind at ease, knowing that no matter how things turn out it wasn't for nothing. If he did end up falling off the deep end, sooner rather than later-- he'd be leaving a part of himself behind with Jesse. Naturally, he also knew it wouldn't make things easier on his boyfriend, just as if things were reversed he knew he wouldn't cope well. On the other hand, Cooper was selfish and knowing that when he went it will have been with having someone love him, someone truly care about him, it seemed to mean more. Which is why he'd posed the question in the first place. It wasn't all for nothing. He realized that now, where as before Jesse, he pushed away anyone who tried to form any kind of attachment with him, wanting to go involving as few people as possible. He'd tried with his boyfriend but luckily for him Jesse hadn't made it easy. Cooper still didn't understand what the boy saw in him but he couldn't fight it, there was no fighting it. "Yeah, I needed to know that." He nodded, wrapping his arms around Jesse's torso and placing a kiss on his chest. "Always."

003. — making it work

As he let his lips brush against his boyfriend’s skin, he didn’t expect to hear the words that he did. He wasn’t really prepared for the question that Cooper had just posed, and he couldn’t think of a time where he would be. Jesse felt like his blood had ran cold, but he was better than this. All he had to do was focus on his and Cooper’s breathing, and to not overthink, nor overreact. That would be bad for the both of them, and he wasn’t going to be so selfish as to make this day go awry. So the dark-haired boy digs deep inside himself for his honest answer, and his fingers slide up to curl into Cooper’s soft hair again. “I’ll always love you. If something happens, you know that I love you. More than anything.” He pulls back so that he can look him in the eyes, so that he can read the sincerity behind them. “You have to know that, right? You’re everything to me, and even if you did something —,” He pauses and blinks back the itchiness he feels in his eyes, knowing tears will be coming sooner than later if he avoids doing so. “Always, Cooper.”

[cooperffs]

Cooper couldn't deny that he missed the feeling of calmness brought on by a high, that he missed being able to escape the thoughts that terrorized him and pushed him closer to the edge. His bones ached for it, sometimes to the point where he became hell to deal with all because he wanted a joint between his lips or two fresh lines laid out before him. But Jesse seemed to believe that steering clear of the drugs and that lifestyle would help him in all aspects. Cooper couldn't deny the logic, even though he didn't like it. He believed it helped. But maybe that was the addict in him. And despite the haziness that clouded his past due to the twenty four hour highs, there were small details he could remember clearly. Those were the moments that haunted him still. Cooper shivered pushing those thoughts from his mind and curling himself a little further into Jesse. "Will you love me still, even if I'm gone? If I do something stupid?" He asked tentatively, knowing it was a touchy subject but it was important to the boy. He needed to know it was real, even if it all ended that it had been real. A forever. His version of forever. "I wouldn't have it any other way, you know? I never wanted to let someone get close, didn't want to hurt them but you wouldn't let me keep you away. I couldn't say no, I didn't want to anymore."

003. — making it work

Jesse didn’t know how long he had with him, and even though that was a fact that he didn’t often dwell on, it still liked to sneak up on him, try to bring down his mood, but he was getting better when it came to those internal battles that he had with himself. He knew, knew deep down that it would always be worth it. What he was doing for Cooper. And he knew that he appreciated it, he told him so everyday, and even if he didn’t have the reassurance, he would still do it because knowing that he was of help, that he was doing something meaningful with his life, was enough. It was a bonus, honestly, to get to spend the time with someone he loved dearly, and to make him feel like he was worth what Jesse believed him to be. Even if he didn’t. He notes the way that Cooper responds to him, coming closer and pressing another kiss to his lips. Once he receives gratefully. And as Cooper continues to speak, he lets his own ghost across his neck, planting gentle, open-mouth kisses along the creamy expanse of Cooper’s skin. “I know you won’t. Just like I won’t.” He whispers, like he isn’t sure, but it’s okay. And as Cooper promises whatever it is he believes he has left of his heart is the only thing that he had ever wanted. Wanted to have Cooper as much as he could, even if it was selfish. “That means so much to me.”

[cooperffs]

Cooper didn't like to look back, he didn't like to think about the past and who he was then. What he had done. He also didn't like to think about the future because it was uncertain, he couldn't predict anything and he didn't know what lay ahead for him or if anything did at all. It was scary to put his faith in something so unclear. It was a sense of constant panic in the pit of his stomach that never really went away. He wanted to be better and do better for Jesse, he didn't want to give up on what they had. At the same time, he didn't like who he was, he didn't feel deserving of the life that had been handed to him. How did he end up in a massive home with everything he could ever want while other people out there struggled and got nothing? It wasn't fair. It was like something didn't fit quite right, his brain didn't connect with everything else and he was trapped.  Cooper shivered at the touch, the sensation of Jesse's warm hand traveling over his cool skin. He isn't sure how much progress he's made, not really. But some days are better than other's and on the really bad one's are the one's no one wants to witness. Much like Jesse's dad had once questioned, how could he get out of bed in the morning? Well, sometimes he couldn't. Cooper just hums at the praise. He's never been good at accepting anything of the sort, doesn't know what to do with it. With eyes locked, Cooper brushes his lips across Jesse's once again. "I'll never understand why." He admitted, but nodded his head. "And you have mine, whatever bits of it I have left."

003. — making it work

If Jesse had been told that he would be in the position he was today a year ago, he would have never believed it. He would have called you insane, told you that you were out of your fucking head for trying to make him believe something like that. He had always been all about himself, well by extension, and he didn’t know how to care so much, so completely, about another person. Not easily, at least. And sure, he care about what others though, what his parents would think if he did this or that, and now? Now it was all the most trivial things in the world, and he was glad that he was here for Cooper. That he was anchor, that he wouldn’t allow him to slip away for good. And he knew that deep down, Cooper would stay. For him. Jesse tried not to think too much of it, knew that if he did he would psych himself out, and that was the last thing he wanted when he was supposed to be the strong one out of the two. So Jesse watches him, watches those row of whites tug on his pink lips, and the way he hides against his skin as he speaks. Jesse runs a reassuring hand along his back, and takes a deep breath. “I’m glad that I can make it however much better. It’s good that you’re attempting, and even better that you’re making progress.” He praises, and he knows that even if Cooper doesn’t always show it, he likes the recognition for doing something good. Everyone does. “So proud of you, love.” He hums softly, and he can’t help but feel another urge to kiss Cooper all over again. But he doesn’t, let’s Cooper lead, as his hand remains over his heart. “You know you have my heart, right?” He asks, “That you always will?”

[cooperffs]

A small content sigh left Cooper's lips, he felt at ease, no crushing weight of the world on his shoulders. In that moment there was no inner turmoil, he wasn't at war with himself and he could focus fully on where he was, who he was with. It wasn't about the drugs, the self-destructive ways that he'd come to know. It was about Jesse and him, and in a way them together-- facing the world together. Hearing the three little words made Cooper's heart race, his entire body reacting to the way it made him feel. Sure, he'd heard it before, but on the good days he actually felt it, knew it to be true and pure. They didn't seem like little words, they were big and full of meaning. "Me neither," Cooper admitted, biting his bottom lip. "Can't remember the last time I slept like that. Believe it or not, it was worse before you came. I didn't sleep, couldn't-- I was too afraid. I'd stay up all night, I'd make myself wired off something just so that I wouldn't sleep." He muttered into Jesse's skin. He physically shivered at the thought, of how bad things could get. Now he woke up ready to do it all again or act out and Jesse was right there to talk him down from it. Cooper adjusted slightly with his boyfriend, still clinging to his side. He became needy and clingy, scared to have the clearness he felt fog over and slip into the dark again at any moment. He kisses back, everything feels better on the good days and Cooper makes mental notes of it all, promising to remember how it feels for the bad days that are sure to come. "Only because you're so amazing." He replies, eyes fluttering shut once more and staying that way even after they pull away from their kiss. "Never felt anything like this before you."

003. — making it work

Jesse liked these soft, quiet moments that the two of them shared. They helped fuel him to keep going, to get through the times that weren’t always so easy. And when he felt like this was pointless, like no matter what he did it wouldn’t help, Cooper would surprise him and let him know just how important he was, and he was able to come back down from where his head was. His judgement wasn’t always the most trustworthy, and he could only be grateful to the fact that he thought through all of his actions instead of reacting on impulse. When he could, of course. He was bound to make mistakes like every other human being, and Jesse knew that his boyfriend knew that better than anyone. His heart hammers a little in his chest when the other says that he loves him, it gets him every single time, and it makes his cheeks and chest tint and embarrassing shade of pink. He was bashful in moments like these, the ones that were so private and just between them. “I love you.” He says back, not adding the ‘too’, because he felt that it was lamer than what he really felt. Like he was just tacking it on, and he liked it better this way. “And yes, that means I got a good lie in. I didn’t know that I could sleep for that long, to be honest.” Jesse admits, another gentle chuckle leaving him as the other speaks and blushes himself. “Mm, too bad.” He agrees, sitting up just a bit so he can bring Cooper closer and brush a kiss against his lips. “It’s not all that hard to get that heart fluttering, though.” Jesse says under his breath, his hand resting over Cooper’s as he kisses him once more.

[cooperffs]

It had been a while since Cooper had woken up without trembling, without wanting to reach for something to take it all away, to make it all stop. It was a relief, mostly because he was finally able to see the other relax as well. Cooper hated that Jesse carried his troubles on his shoulders as if they were his own sometimes. Cooper could see what it was doing to the other, how it affected him. But he didn't push him away, not anymore, not purposely. Instead, he held him close because he was selfish and needed Jesse. That's what Cooper does, especially on his good days. He holds him tighter, makes sure he knows he's loved and every bit is appreciated greatly. With the comfort of his body heat and hands in his hair, he breathes out a content sigh. "I love you." He whispers, as if it were a secret just between the two. A private thought, spoken aloud. "Which means that you did too, right? Got a full night?" Cooper asks, genuinely hopeful that his boyfriend has managed to regain some lost sleep. He brushes his thumb back and forth across Jesse's side. He bites on his lower lip as his gaze travels up the other's body until it meets his eyes. Eyes that tell Cooper everything he needs to know. That also cause him to flush a light shade of pink. "It's in time with yours, like one heart. Too bad it can't stay like that, yeah? Save us both a lot of trouble." He hums. Nothing good can stay, nothing good ever stays.

003. — making it work

Jesse was getting better at not letting his reactions show, as well. Like, when there was a moment that he felt like he himself was going to fall apart, he would do his best to school his expression into calm and collected, making sure that Cooper was assured of his presence and the fact that it was something that would be there as long as he needed it. As long as Cooper needed him. So he moves closer into him, letting Cooper drape his long limbs across his body. And Jesse feels so warm, having the other male pressed up against him one of the best feelings he could ever imagine. He let’s his hands rest, keeping them where he can still occasionally twirl a piece of hair around his finger. A small giggle leaves Jesse when he feels the other eyelashes brush against his skin like a breath, before he’s responding to his query. “I’m just fine, babe. I’m glad that you got through a full night of sleep, though.” He assures him, and he nods to answer his next question. “Slept just fine, too. Woke up only a half hour ago. And plus, I like watching you sleep when the nightmares to stay at bay. Your heartbeat’s the steadiest like that.” He tells him, looking down at him, his dark fan of lashes casting a shadow against his high cheekbones as he does.

[cooperffs]

Cooper easily nuzzled into his boyfriend's side, throwing his arm over the other's chest and pulling himself in tight. He loved that he could distinctly hear the sound of his heart beating in time with his own. There wasn't much that Cooper looked forward too, there wasn't much that kept him going but one sure thing was Jesse. Cooper had worked his whole life to isolate himself because he didn't see a future, just an end. When that end never came and Jesse did, he thought that maybe he could add on a few more years to give love a try and truly experience everything his shitty life had to offer. Of course, some days were harder than others, much, much harder  and some day's he wanted to give up. He didn't see the point. But then Jesse would hold him, or whisper something in his ear and Cooper would hold out just that little bit longer. The good days didn't happen as frequently, but they were days where Cooper felt free. Kind of like a feather, able to simply float away. Cooper placed butterfly kisses over Jesse's side, humming contently. ""M good." He breathed. "Still a little sleepy, which I don't understand if I just slept more in a night than I have in a week but I feel light, a good light. Did you sleep okay?" Cooper knew that his trouble with falling and staying asleep had also taken it's toll on the other who took care of him through it all, trying to ease him into a peaceful slumber only to be awoken by one of his nightmares an hour or so later.

003. — making it work

Jesse was glad that Cooper had woken up on the metaphorical right side of the bed this morning, seeing as it meant that today would probably be a good one. He knew that what the other male was going through was beyond difficult, but even as much as he tried to understand, he would never quite get what Cooper was going through. He stayed through the harder days too, knowing that’s what he was in for when he had started this whole thing with Cooper in the first place. “Hi, baby.” Jesse murmurs softly, not wanting to ease him out of this state. The last couple of nights, he knew that it was hard for Cooper to get to sleep, but once he was, he was out like a light. It was sometimes the only time he looked like he wasn’t in any pain, and Jesse enjoyed watching him. His touch moved from the boy’s back and up to his messy curls that were getting so long, and he soothingly cards his fingers through them, nails gently grazing across his scalp as he speaks. “You slept twelve hours this time. How’re you feeling?”

[cooperffs]

The light that shone through the cracks in the curtain were blinding as Cooper finally managed to open his eyes, only slightly. Though, that was all it took to have him groaning and curling further into the male at his side. He wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, but if he had to venture a guess, he'd say it'd been a while. His body felt like it was constantly on a comedown, despite having nothing in his system. Cooper figured it was the consequence of constantly fucking up his system for years. Now, he didn't even have the prescribed medication to mellow it all out. He'd fucked that one up or himself. He was painfully sober. Clean as whistle. "Hi," He greeted groggily, easing into Jesse's touch. Despite feeling like shit, he did quite enjoy waking up to the other all the time and having him be so close. Cooper felt terrible that everything had gone to hell for the other, but at the same time-- it had helped them. With Jesse around more frequently and not having to hide, Cooper was forced to be good. He also always had support right there beside him, ready to step in when needed. Which was a lot more than he wanted to admit. A lazy smile spread across Cooper's lips as he finally managed to gaze at Jesse.

003. — making it work

The one positive thing about being kicked out of your house and told to never come back is that your parents never mean it. They say it in a rush of anger and overwhelming emotions, and it’s like, something along the lines of a life lesson. And he was experiencing that end of it, where his parents wouldn’t stop texting him and begging him to come back so they could “talk.” He didn’t really know what that was going to involve, seeing as the last few things they had managed to say while looking him in the eyes weren’t all that family-oriented. So he ignores them, keeps his phone off anytime he’s in the house. Anytime he’s with Cooper. Who things have been rather good with, despite the blatantly obvious. Jesse’s doing what he can to help him with staying clean, pulling tricks that he didn’t even know would work. And right now, he’s laying beside him, his fingertips gently running up the curve of Cooper’s spine as he sleeps soundly. Jesse can’t help but think of all the things that had led up to this point, and when it came to Cooper? He didn’t regret any of them.

[cooperffs]

Cooper simply rolled his eyes and fished a cigarette from his pocket, he needed one. Desperately. He took a moment to light it up and take a long, slow drag. They were only going to talk in circles if he didn't mellow himself out a little bit. It was over and done with, the whole thing and they couldn't argue and fight over the past. Especially not if they wanted to keep moving forward. Moving forward, something Cooper had never thought he'd be thinking about or imagining. "Well, obviously. If we did things how I thought they should be we wouldn't be here right now, wouldn't have any of what we do. So, I suppose it's best you don't listen to me and what I say. Most of the time at least." Cooper shrugged and blow a cloud of smoke into the air, watching it as it disappeared. "You're not deserving of their petty gossip. All they want is to outshine one another and they do that by tearing other people down." He whispered, pushing a hand through his shaggy hair. Cooper knew not to push it though, that they weren't going to see eye to eye and there was no use in arguing about it now. He had to keep reminding himself about. His first instinct was always fight or flight, he wasn't typically the one to find middle ground. "While you're still here, right." His voice came out much smaller than intended, he always forgot that Jesse was off to do bigger and better things with his life. Leaving him behind in a sense. "I'm not going to hold it against you, I'm not like that. It doesn't stop me from feeling a little hurt by it though. But you're right, it's not important."

Jesse was suddenly overwhelmed with the need to apologize and to tell him that, yes, it was his fault that everything was suddenly turning to shit. But he knew Cooper well enough, knew that he wouldn’t let Jesse assign the blame to anyone but the boy he loved, because he was so willing to take it on for him. Because even though he showed selfishness in more ways than one, he still cared for Jesse. And he always knew that much could be true. “I understand that you want what’s best for me, but you’re not the judge of that. I can do things how I decide to do them.” He sniffles again, and wipes away the remaining tears. He hates feeling the least bit vulnerable, and tonight was the worst he had ever let himself feel. “If they want to talk about me, fine — it’s probably better that they’re doing that then on people who are undeserving. It’s the consequence of my action, isn’t it?” He laughs humorlessly before shaking his head again. “I need to man up and take responsibility for that.” Listening to the rest of what Cooper has to say, he makes a sound of agreement before adding on to his words. “I understand that you don’t want the bad attention on me, but I can handle it for however long I’m still here. I’m a big boy, Cooper.” He hated saying this, but he did believe it to be true. “And I’m sorry you think that I used you to get back at him. If you’re going to hold that against me, then so be it. But you know I love you, and you know that’s not even what’s important. Not now.”

[cooperffs]

Cooper let out a small sigh, shaking his head ever so slightly. He wasn't quite sure how to handle everything, it wasn't something he was familiar with, not in the slightest. "Please calm down, it's alright. It's over. We're here and we're okay." He hummed inching even closer to Jesse and pressing a kiss to his forehead gently. "But I care if they're talking about you, Jesse. You're a good person and you deserve good things. You don't need shit people like that, who can do nothing but judge and gossip on your back all the time. You're going places, they should be praising you and your accomplishments." Cooper breathed. He could only hope what he said made sense. He could handle shit when it was about him, but he knew for a fact that the moment he heard anyone say or do anything to Jesse, who was nothing but good, he'd snap. Kind of like Jesse had done for him. Only Cooper wasn't a good person and he didn't feel it was necessary. Hypocritical perhaps, but true. "Everyone bad mouths me, I give them a lot to talk about. No, maybe he didn't, but people are going to talk. You can't stop them all, you can't change what I've done in the past or what they think of me. You can only have your own thoughts and opinions, fuck them all. You don't need to prove anything to them, I don't need to prove anything to them." The boy shook his head. "I believe you, but it was kind of a shit way to go about it because now that's what they're going to think."

"Fuck, I didn’t mean for it to happen like that, alright? It was impulsive — a-and I wasn’t expecting to just lose my temper like that." He could barely breathe, he felt like his breaths were coming in slower and more painful than usual, and he felt a huge lump in his throat. He was willing himself to hold it in, wiping at his eyes again, but he couldn’t help it. When Cooper came closer and brushed the pads of his thumbs against his skin, a sob raked his entire body before he closed his eyes tight. He just shook his head. "I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make it a big scene. I don’t care if they’re talking about me." He sniffs, and he so badly wants to just bury his face into Cooper’s warmth, but he knows that he can’t. He does like how close he is, though he feels like he’s the last person on Earth to deserve. Jesse took a deep breath, trying to steady his erratic heartbeat, before he spoke again. "He was just bad-mouthing you and I got so angry. He doesn’t have a right to say things about you, and I just couldn’t let it slide. It — it wasn’t to make us look like we were just doing it to get back at all of them. I swear." He shook his head again, dropping his gaze and shuffling his feet. "I wasn’t even thinking, I just did it."

[cooperffs]

Cooper brushed his fingers through his hair as he looked at the other. He'd never seen Jesse appear quite so hurt, so broken. He'd never felt the need to protect him, it was always the other way around. In their relationship, Jesse was the rock and the glue that held everything together while Cooper was self destructive and always on the very of combusting, leaving very little in his wake. "Don't," Cooper breathed reaching out for the male, gently brushing the pads of his thumbs over Jesse's cheeks in what he hoped was a comforting manner. He had very little experience. "I do listen to what you have to say, Jesse. I always do but it's hard to believe some of it when it comes to me.  I think sometimes that you're biased and have this idea of what I could be. This fantasy of me that's so far fetched." Cooper shook his head and took a step closer to the other male. "I'm not some tragic hero that is going to pull through and change the world. I'm not one of those people who inspire people with their story of overcoming depression and my attempts. I'm not strong, Jesse. I'm not moving forward, but I'm not going backwards either. I'm just kind of stuck and I need you to realize that. Everyone else has." Cooper whispered, keeping the other close. "People are going to talk and I'd rather they be talking about me, because that is something I can handle. Most of what they say isn't far off from the truth. They might not know me, but the know the facts. But now, now they're going to drag you down with me and that's not something I'm okay with, Jesse. But try and explain it to me then, try and explain why you did that and made things harder for the both of us. Explain to me why you used something that is between us, that's ours just to get back at your father."

Jesse was starting to get more and more confused, not sure what it was he had done to make the other boy so — well, so stand off-ish, like he didn���t want to kiss him or even be near him. It was a blow to his ego, not even, his sole self, and he felt like he was going to be sick. There was a churning in his stomach, the same kind you get when you’re about to get in trouble when you were a kid, and he felt a kind of impending confrontation coming his way. Hearing the other boy’s words, he follows after him, not saying a single word as he did so. He didn’t want to get him off his train of thought, so he might as well have become a mute at this point. As they stopped at a spot far away enough from the club, he cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair before Cooper started speaking. He listened, like always, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was ruining everything. Like he was trying so hard to hold onto something that would never really work, and that it was water slipping through his cupped hands. Pathetic, really. “It wasn’t even like that. I just —,” He took a shaky breath before wiping at his eyes, letting Cooper continue. Jesse’s tears made his lashes stick together, and he didn’t know why, but yeah — he was crying. “You might not care, but I do!” He shoots back, and it was meant to be strong and stubborn, but it only came out broken and frustrated. “The things he was saying about you just made me lose it. Because no one gets it. You don’t even get it. No one ever listens to what I have to say or think because it’s always about what they’re doing.” He felt himself hiccup, having held his breath much too long before speaking all at once. “I’m s-sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry but I can’t. Please don’t look at me like that.” He shook his head as he let his gaze drop to his feet, loosening his tie. “I’ll just go, then. No one wants me here, anyway.”

[cooperffs]

Cooper sighed and indulged in the kiss for a moment before pushing Jesse off him and shaking his head. "Not here," He breathed. "Let's go, alright? Let's not piss them off more than they already are." The male kept walking. He had a lot of emotions swirling around in his head and he needed a moment to figure them out. Cooper needed to filter through everything that had just happened, he needed to process it. So, he kept walking past the valet and past the lot with all the shiny cars. He hoped that Jesse would keep following. When Cooper finally slowed down his was out of range of the club. He couldn't see them and they couldn't see him and with the he felt more at ease. Tentatively, Cooper turned around to face the other male, his brows furrowed in concentration. "You can't just go off on people who talk shit about me like that. Those events, those people, they're never going to stop. I don't care who it is or what they say, alright? They can talk shit about me. But now, now they're going to be talking about you and this little outburst and that wasn't something that needed to happen. Yeah, I'm fucking glad we don't have to be a secret but the way you used it, the way you used us and our relationship just to hurt your father, that's not okay with me, Jesse. That I think hurt more than the shit those people talk." Cooper went off, he didn't think he'd ever spoken quite so much in his life. He could only assume it was the adrenaline mixed with intoxication and anger. Not that he was overly angry with the boy, but he wasn't particularly thrilled either.

Jesse didn’t really know what had gotten into him, seeing as he was completely sober but there was more than a reason to believe that he was more than a little drunk. Maybe he was just high on the adrenaline that was pumping through his veins in that moment, but he couldn’t really be sure. He felt a hand tugging on him, and he knew almost immediately who it was. The table had been so quiet that you could hear a pin drop, but a this point, it had erupted into hushed and whispered conversation over everything they had just said. His heart was hammering hard in his chest, and he didn’t really mind that Cooper was trying to get him out of here. As he follows along beside him, he doesn’t even spare a glass before he’s taking his hand and curling his fingers into the spaces between Cooper’s. He can’t help it, because he can, even though the given circumstances weren’t particularly — ideal. "Fuck, oh my god. You were right. It’s like a huge weight off my chest because I get to be with you and —," he took another deep breath before reaching up on his toes to pull Cooper down into a needy kiss. He just couldn’t help it, he needed it, needed him, and he pressed his lips insistently against Cooper’s. He tasted like wine and champagne and something else, something that was just him, and it was enough to have him really feeling drunk. 

[cooperffs]

Then suddenly, Cooper was moving, his body propelling forward to put an end to something that surely was going too far. He didn't want Jesse to have any regrets. But he wasn't quick enough evidently because there he was close enough to reach out and grab Jesse, but he was frozen the words spilling from the other's lips catching him off guard. "Jesse, stop it." Cooper hissed. "I'm not worth it, everyone knows-- everyone talks, it's fine. It doesn't bother me, just let it go." He breathed trying his best to calm the other down to pull him away from the fight and put an end to it once and for all. But, by the stunned looks around them Cooper could tell that it wasn't something that was going to be so easily forgotten and dismissed. Cooper groaned before plucking what was obviously someone else's drink off the table and tossing it back. He'd had more than he could count and could definitely feel the alcohol in his system. The boy let out a dark laugh as he looked around at the faces all around him. Cooper had a plan. "I'm going to save you all the breath, I'm a fuck up. I corrupt your children and I'm no good in this world, I should have died the first time. I know, believe me. I've heard it all so if you would all kindly go back to your meals and chat about who has the best cleaning staff, or who is sleeping with who's husband that'd be great." Cooper announced before turning back to Jesse and tugging on his arm. The plan to divert attention from Jesse, while elaborate, seemed to work. at least for now. He hoped. "Can we please get out of here." He whispered, feeling anxious about the whole situation.

There weren’t any life lessons that Jesse presently had in his tool box that would help him prepare for a situation quite like this. He was winging it, honestly, basing his actions off of impulse, which was never the smartest way to go about things. But once his temper had flared, it was like wildfire, a pyre that radiated too much heat and caused destruction wherever the flames decided to go and devour next. His heart was aching because he didn’t realize, not until right then, just how much he cared for Cooper. More than he had originally believed, clearly. Making a big scene, and my by the use of his first expletive, everyone was ready to have his head. His mother looked absolutely scandalized, hand over her heart like she just couldn’t take it, and the fact that she was still managing to make this about herself made him want to throttle someone. “Jesse, please, you need to calm down.” His father was stepping up, crowding into his space like he could do something about his behavior. Jesse could easily take him, wanted to, wanted to make him hurt, but that was the anger talking, and there was no guilt or remorse there quite yet to talk him down. No, they were completely off the table. His father put his hand on his shoulder and he pushed him off, taking a step back and shaking his head. “Fuck. Off. You can’t just go around saying shit about him! You don’t even know him.” He spat, his voice low and threatening, like he was protecting something that he loved dearly — granted, he was — and would do anything to stop someone or something to cause it any harm. His father looked baffled, though, and after exchanging glances with his mother, he looked back at Jesse. “Surely you don’t. You know you’re not supposed to be spending time with people like —,” before his “Dad” could even finish, he had cut him off, “People like what? Say it, really, you can get bold enough to say something when you think I’ll just chuckle and go along with it but guess what, Daddy?” Jesse smiles hugely, before announcing, “We’re together. Yeah, together, really together. Oh and we fuck too!  The whole god damn nine yards. And the best part? I take it up the ass. So much for Daddy’s little boy, right?”

[cooperffs]

Quickly, Cooper's gaze fell to his feet. He was suddenly very interested in his scuffed up boots, which his mother had tried to make him change prior to leaving the house but he was ready to throw a fit and she knew to pick her battles. Life with Cooper was a bumpy one and he felt bad for those who got sucked into his vortex. He had a way of turning things to shit and of making things that were always surface level, boil over. He made something out of nothing most of the time by just being present. Cooper knew that in the end, he'd be to blame for Jesse's outburst. He was the bad influence, the rotten apple that all the kids were told to keep away from. This just furthered their point, did it not? It wasn't often that Cooper wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear but he certainly did right then. He could deal with the whispers and the gossip, he could even deal with the less than welcoming glances but what he could not deal with was putting someone he cared about so deeply through it. Jesse didn't have to stand up for him, he didn't have to fight it. It was one thing for his family to do so, because they lied and created stories in his defence. They did anything they could to make him seem like a better person and more worthy. Jesse on the other hand, was yelling, he was fighting with his family in the middle of a dinner for some charity all because of something that was said. Something he wasn't even sure was a lie. Even his best kept secrets weren't really secrets in this town.  Cooper wanted to make it stop, for both their sakes. Instead, he shot back another flute of champagne.

Jesse had never been all that jealous or possessive, seeing as Cooper was always one to reassure him that he didn’t want anyone else. And it was obvious, too, that he wouldn’t be making all that effort for anyone else in the future, near or distant, so he was okay with that. Content, even. But the mere idea of his father bad-mouthing the person he cared about most made his head spin, and he hadn’t been prepared for his own temper to short-fuse like that. But even if this whole fucking room, including Cooper, didn’t believe that he was worth it, Jesse did. He believed that Cooper was fucking everything, two times over, and no matter if it was dad or his coach or someone from the fucking oval office, or whatever, he was going to defend him. “Son, I’m going to need you to sit back down and apologize for this outburst. It’s unacceptable.” His mother’s tone was cold and distant, like she was treating him like one of the employees she hires to clean the house or wash the car or take in the dry-cleaning. Well, he wasn’t. He was her fucking kid, for Christ’s sake, and the lividity he felt was pumping through his veins ceaselessly. He pushed away from the table, slamming his chair back into place before he was laughing. It was probably quite the spectacle that he was making, but he didn’t care. “You’re going to tell me to apologize to these people? For what? For being human for once instead of some stuffy fucking robot that compares the price of high-end vacuum cleaners that you don’t even use yourself?” His voice was riddled with disgust and contempt before Jesse’s quipping, “I’m not going to apologize for shit.” His gaze moves pointedly towards his father, “But you?You’re going to bite your fucking tongue and eat your words because if you say one more thing about him I’ll kill you.”

[cooperffs]

Cooper could feel eyes on him, he always did whenever he showed up to an event. It seemed they could find nothing better to talk about than the skeletons in his closet. Yet, his mother continued to drag him out almost as if to make a point that he wasn't what they thought he was. As if she were trying to prove them otherwise when everyone knew the truth, no amount of lies and public appearances would change  his past. If they wanted to talk then so be it, he wasn't there to impress them. He didn't exactly care what they had to say. Instead, Cooper pushed his hair off his face and opted for standing closer to the bar. He was lost in thought about, well, everything and anything when he heard the yelling. It came as a shock when he looked up to see that Jesse was the source of all the commotion. For once, people weren't looking at him or whispering behind his back but at the other male. Cooper wanted desperately to tell him it wasn't worth it and that he was making a scene, but he very well couldn't walk over there. All the colour drained from Cooper's face as it sunk in that once again he was the cause of an uproar without even being directly involved. Always causing trouble he was. "Jesse," Cooper hissed trying to gain his attention, shaking his head.

As he was standing there, he couldn’t help but overthink the things that him and Cooper had discussed previously that day. He was mulling over all of the things he said, like how hard it was to see him and not be able to come over and just talk if he wanted, when really, he was the sole keeper of Jesse’s heart. And if frustrated him, yes, beyond belief, but he still dealt with it because he knew what the consequences would be if he didn’t. He was smart enough to recognize that, at least, and he didn’t want it all falling to pieces just because he decided to say something to his parents. But at the same time, what could they do? Even if they kicked him out of the church and drained his trust fund on a yacht, or something, he still had a scholarship to basically anywhere, and they couldn’t take that away from him. As everyone was called to sit down, the caterers were making a formality out of serving the finger foods that all the people would be eating with forks. Running his fingers through his thick hair, his father leans over to whisper something to him, voice hot and uncomfortable against his skin, “Look at that poor Dishmay boy. Pathetic, isn’t he? Looks like he was dragged her against his will. How often do you think he even gets out of bed?” And it was like a light switch had been turned on inside of Jesse, because he was so quick to react that it startled even himself. He was too his feet, chair pushed back behind him, having scraped the granite floors loudly, before he’s glaring down at his father, teeth almost bared. “You know fuck all about him.” His voice was low, but as his mother glared at him to sit down, he felt his blood boiling at the thought of his father’s words. “You can fuck off too, the whole of you lot just run your mouths without knowing anything, and you know shit about him!” Everyone was staring now, glares trained on him, astonished. 

[cooperffs]

Cooper found himself at some event that he didn't care about for surrounded by people he had no interest in, all because his mother had decided to play the "keeping up appearances" card. If he didn't go, people would talk, apparently, and that was just the end of the world. It baffled him that he had to attend the stupid functions when his brother did not. Then again, Myles wasn't the problem, Cooper was. Regardless, he found himself standing off to the side with a drink in his hand and ignoring pointed looks from his mother's so called friends. The whole thing was ridiculous if you asked Cooper. He didn't see the point in trying to fit in. He didn't understand the appeal of gossiping and discussing the scandals over cocktails, not to mention how each and every one of the families that attended gala's and events as such were always trying to out do one another. Who had the nicest house, the best car and was up to date on all the newest trends. The only thing Cooper was grateful for was that they handed out cocktails and champagne as if it were water. That and the view of Jesse all dressed up wasn't too bad. Though, it was infuriating that he couldn't even talk to the boy. Another secret that he had to keep to himself. Another reason for the people he was surrounded by to hate him, he supposed.

Jesse was all smiles and charm, like he always was, talking up a group of people that were supposedly donating a lot of money to his church or something, so he was saying all of the right things to keep them interested. His lips quirked up in a fake smile that could only seem real to them, seeing as they didn’t know the difference. “Yeah, and as I was going down the court, this guy wanted to put his foot out and trip me!” They all started laughing like he had just told a punch line to a hilarious joke, and as they did, his eyes drifted over and stayed on Cooper. He didn’t know that he was coming, but he was glad to see him.