cope-arion
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Love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams
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crazy being so exhausted you can’t do anything. like my life has been on pause for a year with no starting up again in sight. i actually just have no fight in me anymore like there is nothing i desire enough to push towards. it’s feel like im dissolving into nothing and i don’t even care because there was nothing valuable worth salvaging.
#i used to wait for something to “save me and i know it’s not coming#it has to be me or whatever#but I don’t even care enough about myself to try?
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Jakub Schikaneder, Evening in Hradcany (Dusk), c.1913
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I saw all the snares of the devil spread out upon the earth, and I groaned and said, 'Who can pass by these?' And I heard a voice saying to me, 'Humility.'
Saint Anthony the Great, SAGOM Press
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i am developmentally arrested and unable to participate in an “ordinary” nice life so i coped by telling myself i was too extraordinary for that and i didn’t want it anyway. now i realize I just am fundamentally lacking the skills and coping mechanisms to create a life that isn’t constant chaos and upheaval and I actually just want ordinary and nice now, and it was probably all i ever wanted, but i made some magical fantasy up in my head as a kid to cope with absolute dysfunction and degeneracy and clung to it.
#humbling but#what do i do now#it’s so cliche but like#i had to learn to take care of everything for myself so young#and im still taking care of myself in those same ways#it worked then when i was just trying to survive#but now this is life and i have to build something.#i genuinely don’t know how#im scared#God help me
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