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copingmechanism1899 · 7 months ago

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Oct 17, 2024

Sometimes I fear that I've been too mean.

I'll be in a conversation, either one-on-one or group, and there will be a sort of a-ha moment where I think "shit." Maybe it's because of something someone else says. or maybe it's moment of self actualization.

Today is was someone saying "why are you being so mean?" and instinctively, I said "I'm not being mean, I've just chosen a side-" (because this was a group convo, and when I entered the conversation, it seemed like the two guys were grilling this one girl?) and J responded "there's no sides,"

And whether it's my own lack of knowledge or awareness, I always seem to find myself saying the wrong things.

I don't want to be nosy, but I love information. I want to know everything. Because if I know everything, and I know how everyone thinks and feels, then I can say the right thing. but it's when I don't know things that there are holes for me to fall through.

After that, I tried not to say anything too antagonistic, especially because as the conversation went on, I realized that I knew absolutely nothing about what we were talking about.

I've never been in a relationship, T is apparently in a FWB situation, and J just had a bad end with his one year gf. Maybe it's because I've never had to deal with it, but all this drama seems very unreal to me.

If it's not making you happy, don't do it. But if it's not making you unhappy, then you don't need to worry about stopping.

But there's talk about getting attached but not having feelings, or allowing time to be for yourself. And the thing is, I agree with what J had been saying. It's just that he went about it in such a round about way that it sounded like he and E were trying to set up T with their friend and that was weird.

In my uninformed mindset I think I must have come off as rude and I kind of want to never show my face again. I want to disappear off the face of the planet, never go to another GBM and maybe never talk to another person again.

Especially because I hate it when people talk about things they have no idea about. And I feel like I did that tonight. So I feel like a hypocrite and it makes me want to die.

M says I did sound kind of mean, but said that it sounded like I was being mean to E (rather than J), but idk what I said to him. I did say i didn't want to deal with it if he fell off his chair (he was leaning back on two legs), and I did say a mean name, but that was in ref to idiots who lean back on chairs rather than him directly. Maybe that was it.

Ugh. I need to never speak again.

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copingmechanism1899 · 7 months ago

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Sept 29, 2025

yiKes. I’ve been spending too much time around- around… I’m not sure who but sometimes without thinking, it’s just.. possible pickup lines running straight from my brain to my mouth.

Tell me why my RA came in for Touchpoints, and as she was leaving, told me Health and Safeties are coming up, I ask if the regulations have changed, and we joke about how you can’t have air fryers, anything fun, and she said “or anything that brings you joy”. And without thinking… I said “so I guess you’ll have to get out of here then.”

brUh. She laughed and said it was cute, and we went lurking separate ways… but damn. This is the first time I’me met her face to face. agh.

Anyways, debating if I should get food. Not really hungry and it’s already 8:47p. But like, if I get pizza now, I have it for breakfast tomorrow.

But I don’t know if I’m gonna want breakfast. Because once again, it’s a painting day. Technically 10-3, but I’ve gotta get there early to set up (there are 2 practicum coming) and it always takes time to get into the shop.

It’s so frustrating because our Production Manager (and asst. prod man) made sure to send an email to security (on Friday) that I would be in on the weekend, and that they need to unlock the scene shop and the film studio.

But I get there, and the security guard says that they have no note saying they can let me in, and that they need permission to do so. I show them the text that says an email was sent, and the APM sends another email (she’s on a train at this time). But I’m told that it needs to be a phone call.

So, 20 minutes after I wanted to start, I’m finally allowed up. And this is ridiculous because the same thing happened last week. Nothing is ever simple, and as I was leaving I was told to tell the PM/APM to call tomorrow before I come. So , they’re not going to get their email shit together then.

Whatever. Painting today was uneventful, the 2 practicum were quiet, and it was a little awkward for A (a friend who was on shift) and me.

B (who’s costume for this prod) stopped by, and we got a late lunch before I got back to painting after the others left.

I feel so… drained and on the verge of tears in tears. For so long, every part of this process felt so slow, but now shooting is in less than a week and nothing is how I want it to be.

We can’t be in the space because there are classes in the space during the day, and I’m busy during the week so tomorrow is really my last full day.

Which is messed up because we’re supposed to go out to get more set dressing on Tuesday. Technically it was supposed to be last Tuesday, but the elevator broke down so we got moved.

I don’t know the state of our floor “tiles”, and our double sided tape is both the stickiest thing and not holding up our pieces. So, not great.

I’m so nervous that something is going to go wrong, or it’s not going to be good enough. And it needs to go well. I have to make this look good or I think I’m quitting design altogether.

Big Fish was a disaster, the last film I was on looked like shit, and next semester is my last semester.

Do I want to do another school production? No.

Do I want to do Oklahoma (the rumored musical? No.

Do I want to complete with S (the only other scenic focus in my year) and win so that I’m doing the “biggest” show of the semester? Yes.

And there’s no guarantee that she’ll even apply. Maybe she’ll get an outside job and brag that she doesn’t need to do a school production. Maybe she’ll get it and I won’t. There are too many unknowns. But every production I’ve done here has made me feel awful, and I’m not proud of any of it.

I even joke that this director is the best one I’ve ever had because she hasn’t (directly) made me cry. And that’s a really low bar.

But whatever. The production is still making me miserable. And I have all day tomorrow to hide it. Practicum 11-3, key GG 2-6, and I guess I’m going to be 9:30-6:30 because we have to move everything out of the way for key GG, but then move it back later so it’s not in the way of the classes that happen during the week.

I ordered food. It’ll go in the fridge.

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copingmechanism1899 · 8 months ago

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Sept 4, 2023

I am... really bad at this journaling thing.

Anyways, this came about because today was the first day of classes for me, and the last friend at home flies back to school tomorrow.

~~~

I've been at school basically all my life. I've probably typed it before, but I did summer school going into freshman year of highschool, and kept doing that until it became CLEP testing and literally nothing (because of physical injury).

2 summers ago was the first summer I didn't have summer school. I thought it was going to be my one summer to fuck around (and maybe get a job) before I got serious. Make it the summer that would appear in a horror movie where a group of people have no responsibilities and just... go somewhere to get k*lled do something.

But that didn't happen because I got injured and couldn't walk.

So I wasted away, doing CLEP tests and being generally bored. I can barely remember what I did. I know I spent time with family, and I'm sure I did something fun, but there's nothing that really comes to mind when I give it a thought.

This summer is not much better. I know I mentioned going out of state to visit family, and that was fun. But what else did I do? What was the most exciting part of my summer? I'm being asked this in every meeting, class, gathering... and I don't know how to answer without it being... weird.

"Summer was fun! I found out that I have idiopathic hypersomnia, and I could be medicated, but I can't because I'm in a different state." (yeah, I did a sleep study, more on that later.)

Or perhaps "Oh yeah, this summer I spent three months in what felt like school with a bunch of people who are also mentally unwell. Thankfully only a few of them annoyed me, the rest were all unmemorable."

Yikes.

For a fleeting moment at the end of the last school year, I thought, "Damn, I didn't make it last year, but maybe this year I'll at least go do something for myself." (More than like, reading or drawing, or something that can be done when/wherever.) I thought that maybe this summer I'd actually get the balls to check out something like Omegamart or even just go camping with friends. I don't know, I just really wanted some time to do... nothing.

And I know that sounds bad. I don't want to be a NEET or a freeter, but I just needed time so stop. I ended the last semester in tears, finishing packing mere hours before it had to go into storage. I couldn't even remember what I brought home. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go back.

But I got home, and not even a full week after classes ended, I was in PHP. I don't even think I managed to unpack before I started. But my mom wanted me to try, so I agreed. I don't think I understood how much time this was going to take up.

Three months. Approximately 90 days. I heard that number a few times but it didn't hit me how much that was until it was over. I don't know what I was thinking, but I guess I thought I would still have some time to myself this summer.

But with a 4 year old sibling, and everybody home all day, I think (not including driving, which doesn't count because I shouldn't zone out then), there was less than 24 waking hours where I was alone. And not just alone in a room, but actually alone enough to relax and let go.

Now I'm in a dorm room (without roommates, thank every god), and while I'm technically alone, I have school. I already have 3+ assignments, and I'm in the mindset that I can't relax until a break.

But even then I'm not sure I can. Because our productions made us work over the summer. And I had to do things as class rep over the summer as well. Even though there was no summer school this year, there was still CLEP, and PDSM and responsibilities that I had to complete.

So I guess in a way, it's nice because if I never stopped school, then I don't have to worry about going back because I never left in the first place.

~~~

But back to the convo from tonight. I was thinking about how school grants me this structure, and so did PHP/IOP. And now I'm thinking about how messed up I'm going to be once I stop going to school. The "real world" without a consistent schedule is going to have me in ruins.

We typed about how we hope our jobs will give us structure, but I said "if productions are any indication... I will be searching for a 9 to 5 [...] because working with these people are shit, and I'm terrified that the rest of the world will be this way too".

And of course, being the friend that they are, they said: "no way [...] how i see it is there’s 8 billion people, not all of them are going to be annoying [school name] students"

And that's true. There are only 13.5k students here right now... But seem to be the luckiest person in that I always seem to find the worst ones.

Because it's not just the people at this school. It's been everyone in my whole life. So now, every time I meet a half-decent person, I'm afraid that it's simply first impressions and they're going to fuck me over. It was in freshman year here, highschool, middle school, and I can think all the way back to elementary instances of people being borderline cruel to me. And while I know I'm no saint, I'd like to think. I didn't deserve what they did to me.

My friend typed back a paragraph with the line "okay, i don’t know what exact advice to offer so plz take it with a grain of salt, except to trust that it does get better".

And I like them, I really do. And I'm genuinely happy that they've built such an amazing community after their shitty freshman year.

But I don't know if I can trust it.

I don't want to sound all negative and "woe is me" and shit, so this is not me complaining (or maybe it is, but this is my journal so fuck it, I can do what I want).

I want to trust that there are better people out there, and there clearly are, because I have you the 3 people I still talk to from high school, and like, 2/3 people here. But just looking at the past and (bringing up something I was told in therapy:) playing the tape forward, I feel like I've been through this before, and I already know how it's going to end.

I want to be hopeful, and I want to be able to work on things I like with people I like (or at least that I can work well with). But I'm just so scared. I literally don't think I could ever say the right words to describe how terrified I am of the future and the unknowns that come with it.

I don't know if I have the skills to interact with people who stress me out in a way that doesn't end with me having another breakdown. I don't know if I have the capacity to interact with strangers who have thoughts about me that I don't know about.

It's not a question of my effort or work ethic or desire (because I don't really have that last one anyways). It's a terrible feeling that no matter what I do, I'm going to run into people that will make life harder for me.

I don't know that I want to do theatre design, or design at all for that matter. I keep saying things when people ask me, or I'll say I'm interested in music videos or film design. I'll lie and say I'm having fun during the process, and I'll tell my family that I want to finish here.

But I just want the diploma. I want the proof, and the validation that I got through it. I want that "key" to open doors that supposedly are locked without a degree. But I'm a theatre major, so it's actually useless. This industry is "all about who you know", and I only know the worst people.

If it were up to me, I think I'd like to disappear. I'd like to stop existing. Not die necessarily, but I'd like to not have to think about the future, or the now, or the anything. I don't want to stop where I am, because then I'll probably miss my family and the few friends I have (and I'd like to think they'd miss me), but if everything stopped existing- if I didn't exist- everything would be so much better. So I guess not so much disappear, but rather not have appeared in the first place. I didn't choose to be born, and if given the choice, I don't think I would have.

~~~

Oh, I did go to the ren faire. It was... "fun", I think I like following my friends around when they seem excited for things. But it was more tiring and I don't think I like just walking around, surrounded by temptations to waste money. But some of the shows were entertaining. And my friends here also want to go so... I guess I'll follow them around soon. I think going once is enough. I don't think I'd ever be compelled to go on my own volition.

Well, it's 12:25a now, I think even if I did have more to type, I'm too tired and my head hurts too much for me to continue.

Oh shit, tired. The sleep study. Next time.

Goodnight.

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copingmechanism1899 · 9 months ago

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July 31, 2024

Hmm… it’s been a while. But now I’ve got to change. A big thing this summer: therapy. I’ve done the one-on-one thing before, but this is some group shit.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think group stuff can work for some people, and I like the handouts we get (I like having notes on paper, visible in front of me). But… most of my problems are with people, so being with people isn’t my favorite.

There are some “characters” there, but they come and go. And we’re not supposed to become friends or anything so it’s fine 90% of the time. I just, don’t talk to anyone during breaks. Sometimes people will say something and I’ll respond, we’ll have a lil back and forth, but that’s about it.”

During groups, I do my due diligence, answering questions when asked, and sharing when all of us are told to say something. I have a bit of a problem where I don’t like silence, and so when the therapists are at the front and say “Anyone? I can’t really read the vibe of the room if nobody says anything,” I sometimes say stuff even if I’ve already gone. And I fear that makes me seem like I talk lot because I also hate when people can’t stfu.

But I digress. I’m a people pleaser and a pushover so every time I open my mouth it’s a little game of “am I talking too much? Is everyone annoyed? Do they think I’m trying to make it about me?” Haha… fun inner monologue.

Schedule wise, I was at the all day “PHP” (9:30-2:30) for a while, and have since been moved down to “IOP” (9:30-12:30), so, nice. I’ve not really had a summer of freedom since before highschool. From going into freshman year of hs, into sophomore year of college, I was doing summer school. And after that, every break I was in a cast/boot/wheelchair, unable to walk.

Last summer was the first time I didn’t have summer school. I thought that I would actually do something fun, then buckle down next summer and get a job or something. But I didn’t. Sucks, but what can I do. So I thought, “maybe this summer.”

But nope, I come home, and not even a week later I’m in therapy for most of the day. (Not to mention all the dr appts I was catching up on before that as well.)

Overall I think it’s going… fine. It’s not as painful/cliché as it could be, and I think what they’re teaching is good. In theory. And that’s the problem. I’m not sure that I can use what I’m learning in the moment.

This past week, I actually went out of state with family to visit other family. And yeah, it was fun, and stressful. But overall, no thoughts. And if you asked, I’d say I had fun and list the stuff I did.

But in hindsight, there were probably someone moments where I could have used some of the skills I learned. But they never even crossed my mind.

I’m very forgetful, and another example of that is I had a convo with the therapist, and she suggested “journaling”. And gut reaction: how in the dork diaries is writing in a little glittery book from justice going to help me?

But I know “journaling” can be different. I know a lot of people do poetry (i fucking despise poetry), or just write down to-do lists or what they did that day. So I figured, hey. I’ve already done this, right? I’ll just go back to tumblr.

Whatever, she asked me to do this, when? The 16/17th? And this is my first time doing it. Yikes. Not too hot on the consistency train. But it’s a step right? They say “trying is doing” so they’d count this as a win (even if I wouldn’t).

Feels like a cop out, like I’m doing it just to do it, it feels disingenuous. But I feel worse saying that I’m not doing everything I can (no matter how stupid) to get “better.”

So I’m going to therapy, I’m taking my (newly prescribed) meds, and I’m trying so f*ing hard to “be open” and talk with my mom.

Yeah, that’s another can of worms. But it’s getting better ig. I still feel like if I’m not doing something productive, that I’m failing and disappointing people, but that’s a personal thing.

I need to working through that, but therapists aren’t there to tell you exactly what to do. And that sucks. I want someone to tell me how to not be scared of the (very near) future full of unknowns and uncertainties. Nothing is guaranteed, and I’m terrified that I’ll make the wrong choice (or that I already have), and that I’ll be a burden or a failure.

Yay, rumination (that’s something I learned about haha…). Great start to this journaling stuff.

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copingmechanism1899 · 1 year ago

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Feb 14, 2024

I know I don’t have like… time for games, but sometimes when I need a break I feel like I can’t take one because I have nothing to do. Breaks are boring, resting is boring, relaxing is impossible.

Nothing is exciting, and when things get me energized, it's because I'm nervous to the point of throwing up.

I don't enjoy doing much of anything recreationally, so I'm constantly thinking "what if i just did this dumb thing" just to find something that could hold my attention and make me (even minimally) happy.

And like, even if something were to be fun when I first start, I'm afraid that i'll get bored too quickly and it won't be worth it and i'll regret having made a stupid decision.

Not to mention the amount of research I have to put into this decision. Yes, I'm lazy, but I'm also worried that I'm going to waste so much time trying to figure out what's "worth it" or "safe" and it'a all going to end in "not good enough" (for my dad's standards)

Not to mention, computers seem to hate me, and no matter how safe I try to be, it’s going to destroy something important, or blow up (which, idk, seems like a possibility)

(This is all just my spiraling thoughts on whether I get a windows laptop to play baulders gate)

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copingmechanism1899 · 1 year ago

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Dec 6, 2023

Sorta fucked up, I didn’t realize how much I missed d&d until I kept hearing my friends back home talk about how their school sessions are going.

I don’t think I’m doing anything creative at this school, and it’s messing with my head. I go to art school ffs. But my major classes are boring/useless, and my minor classes make me want to sleep (not to mention how my civic engagement teacher basically fucked me over with my volunteer requirement, and my inability to say no.)

But I miss just, playing a character and having fun, and doing things without real world consequences! Everything I do is so boring, and still has repercussions.

Sorta unrelated (but also really related) I can’t walk (surgery, haha). So I can’t even do normal people things and it’s fucking killing me. I got the Scenic Designer position for the musical next semester, but I can’t start thinking about that until Jan 7 (when designer meetings start), and I’m worried because I don’t know the director and one of my assistants has had a bit of an attitude problem recently. But I digress.

So much to do right now, but also so much I can’t do. I’m going to be thinking about this stupid volunteer stuff (+the essay!) all break and it’s going to be miserable. If anything goes wrong with this director I’m going to cry and maybe drop out of school entirely.

But yeah, I miss d&d, and while I’ll probably dm a oneshot with my home friends over break, I really want to be a part of a whole campaign as a player… but that’s not going to happen because there aren’t any people here who have the time, or that I’m comfortable with. So… damn. Sucks to be a loser I guess.

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copingmechanism1899 · 2 years ago

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Aug 27, 2023

I don't know if I'll survive going back to school.

Once again this year, I have random roommates. I tried reaching out earlier in the summer, only for one of them to never respond and get replaced by someone who looks to be about 30 years older than me. (from her singular, sepia 200x200 pfp) I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I shared my preferences, phone number, etc. And I've gotten nothing in return except vaguely off emails giving non-responses to my issues and power trip vibes.

"Any incidental or intentional use of my personal items will be considered an infringement of my personal space and proprietary rights." No worries, I have no intention of touching other people's stuff. Damn. And people have told me that maybe she's had an issue in the past, so now she's guarded. Fine, whatever. Her language is just... off. "please adhere to a clean ambience" and "I like to advocate a quiet conducive turndown". It makes me uncomfortable. But of course it's all just in my head, right?

So I let it go. She doesn't share her phone number, she has no instagram, facebook or even linkedin. I have no idea who she is, other than the fact her email name is set up with a "Ms." and she signs off with "Best Regards"

Anyways, I send off another email, just because I'll be moving in soon. Technically, I'm moving in early. So I email both roommates to let them know my timeline, and what I'll bring, seeing as some stuff is going to be communal. I get a response, saying that she's "already furnished the room", ending it with "I have already moved-in since a week." A week. A fucking week. And she didn't tell anyone.

I was already put off, but now I'm so uncomfortable. I don't want to live with this... person who dodges my concerns, doesn't reach out/share information, and tries to assert her power through what I'm taking as intimidation.

Sure, I don't know her intentions, and she might just be bad at writing emails. But this whole situation is all sorts of fucked up.

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copingmechanism1899 · 2 years ago

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Aug 18, 2023

This summer has been, in a few words, a disaster. Sinus infection to non weight-bearing ankle to a concussion to covid to a show that's not even written yet.

This was my first summer since... 2017 that I haven't had summer school. And I wanted just one summer to relax and actually do something, before my last summer where I intend to get a job (a real one, not like, a little gig). But instead I've spent most of my summer on my computer, prepping for a math test that I'm not even sure I'll be able to take before the school year starts. In 3 weeks.

Less than a month before school and things are already falling apart. Once again, I'm working on my production before we get back, and it's stressful. I've been doing props for the past two year and I've never even assisted on scenic. And yet here I am, making a fake gallery for a fake artist who's part of a fake movement. I don't know what the point of the story even is. (yes I do, censorship or whatever.) But the script isn't done, and yet the design has to be before we go back.

Going back to school is a nightmare that I don't want to face. I'm going to be in a class that looks to be just 2 other people (both of which I'm not sure I get along with, 1 of which I despise), and I've been made to drop out of one of the classes for my minor in order to make room for 3 credits of nothing.

Yesterday (it's currently 12:35a) and today are back to back to back to back meetings and doctor's visits, and there's no time to think in between. I'm moving a million miles a minute, and yet it seems like everyone else is going backwards.

While I try to sort out productions and missing Treasurers and sorting Bigs and Littles, I'm left with emails that have been unanswered for months because people are the worst.

I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, because I know I used to be bad at answering emails, but this is egregious. I understand a few days, or even weeks. But over two months have passed and I haven't heard back. "Maybe they're not checking their emails, it's summer." I emailed them a month before the school year ended. "Maybe they didn't get the email?" I sent 3. "Maybe they're busy?" Too busy? for months? I've done everything in my power to get a response. It hurts. I'm trying to make things better for them, but they're not making it easy. They're not even making it medium. They're making it so difficult.

Difficult to get things done, difficult to not drop out of school completely. I know it's a joke of sorts in my major, to drop out I mean. But between the non-responses from both students and faculty, and the lack of information to get anything done, I don't know if it's worth it.

Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to experience it.

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copingmechanism1899 · 2 years ago

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Jul 12, 2023

My hands are literally shaking, My animation file that I have been working on for a month now disappeared and I cried. I thought I was done for. So I need to get this down so I don’t forget it.

Open Clip Studio (not paint)

Click on the gear in the top right

Hover over “Maintenance Menu”

Open “Open folder with Clip Studio Paint backup data”

Open either “Initial Backup” or “Document Backup”

and just hope that it’s in there.

Holy shit I wanted to throw something and break stuff I hated that feeling. I have no goddamn idea why the file disappeared. Fuck that.

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copingmechanism1899 · 2 years ago

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Jun 10, 2023

Sometimes I think that people ask my opinion but don’t really want to hear it. (Yes, this is about someone specific. No, it doesn’t help that they apparently can’t help it…)

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copingmechanism1899 · 2 years ago

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Apr 9, 2023

Oof. Big things just happened. So, not sure how much I’ve already put here so I’ll start at the top. I’m my major’s class rep for my graduating class. I did not run for this position. I had thought that Someone (we’ll shorten to S) was the rep. Turns out it was actually someone who had dropped out the year before. Fun. So we’re all joking about who it will be, and S says “who votes for [x] to be class rep?” and everyone raises their hand. Our teacher for that class also happens to be the head of our program so when he heard this, he took it as gospel.

So now I’m class rep. I try to see what my responsibilities are, and it’s confusing. We don’t exactly have a slew of upperclassmen to help us out (the Junior class is currently 3 people). But the SM rep and I manage to plan out a little movie night for the class (before winter break). It’s not great, but it happened. Jump to Feb 27, and we’re organizing for the Freshmen to pick their reps. It ends up being that the Designers have 1, and the SMs have 2. All good, apparently the head of their program said 2 was good.

So I go about my everyday life, time passes, Class Rep stuff not being on the forefront of my mind. But one day while working, S brings up the idea of a picnic. Okay, nothing new, multiple people have brought up the idea before. But then they bring up a point that irks me. They tell me that the Sophomore SMs also have multiple class reps. And while the fact itself doesn’t bother me, the line delivery and what comes after sure does.

They mention there are now 3 soph SM reps, and I ask myself why none of them told me that there were 3 of them. Why is this information coming from S? (info: S is currently the only student in the school in my major who is taking SM for a minor) And I figure S has told the SMs that they told me because the next time I talk to them, they act like they know that I know there are 3 of them.

But after that, S says a line like “Why don’t you do something similar? So you don’t have to keep asking people for help.” This is probably in reference to the messages I had been sending while tours were happening (in which tours are a whole other issue and probably shouldn’t have been my job).

But here’s the thing. Nobody wanted to be class rep. Nobody wanted that commitment, which is why nobody offered back when S volunteered me. I’ve asked other people and everyone has their own lives (not to mention some hate for our head of program). But they’re willing to help when I ask. So I don’t feel the need to burden them with menial responsibilities when they can just pitch in when necessary.

But that brings me to today. I get a message from a new group chat with Me, the 3 SM reps, and S. Who started the chat. The very first message:

“hi! so i would really like to help propel communication with pd and sm leadership and have noticed that there have just been a lot of roadblocks. i would love to just meet sometime this upcoming week and just like get on the same page about upcoming changes and also like how pd can work with sm instead of feeling opposed!!”

?! Roadblocks? Opposed? What the hell. Not 12 hours before this message I was in communication with one of the SMs about planning a thing for the seniors. I would love to know what roadblocks S thinks we’re running into, and I hope that if any of the SMs find it difficult to communicate with me, they would let me know.

Which is kind of crazy because I’m all for communication. Yes, I hate talking to people, but I know that nothing is going to get done if nobody is communicating. I’ve literally started a 1k+ word document shared with every class rep I know to start drafting an email to send to our program ad department heads about plans to better communication.

I feel like this message is invalidating the work I’m putting in to communicate, and it feels like S is trying to worm their way into a “position of power”, acting like they’re one of the reps. Which is funny because when they nominated me, I said I thought that they were the rep. To which they responded that they have too many other responsibilities and couldn’t be the class rep. This is not the only issue I have with S, but boy oh boy, if it isn’t the most current.

S constantly gets involved in stuff that is not their business. Yes, I understand that we (9 of us) are in a single room together. Yes, I understand that you can hear the conversations happening across from you. But that doesn’t mean that you need to interject your thoughts and opinions into a conversation that does not involve you.

There is a tonal difference between talking to your friend next to you and asking a question to the whole class. S doesn’t seem to know the difference. They like to butt into the conversation if they think that they know anything about what you are talking about. I was talking with a friend (L) who is working on a show with a director that I had experience with. Now, S is also on that show, but whereas L and I have the same job title, S is working on a part of the show that gets treated differently than us. (This director loves lights and costumes, works with sound and scenic, and just loves to shit on props.)

So I’m warning L about the director, giving tricks and tips to deal with her/make life easier. I say the occasional “because [the director] sucks, she doesn’t know what she wants”, when S busts in with “all directors are different.” Yeah, I know. which is why I’m trying to help L prepare. But sure, regale us with your stories and opinions.

Another instance is when I’m talking to a friend (A) about what we want to do for lunch. I look to see what the (albeit mid) cafeteria has online, only to see that it’s unavailable. Without thinking, I say, directed mostly at my phone, but angled towards A, “Why is everything closed?” (Because everything closed.) And without missing a beat S swoops in and says (sort of accented like in music) “Because the pipes burst.” and continues to talk about the email, and the source of the issue.

Now here’s the thing. I knew that the cafeteria was closed because of the pipes. Because that morning, I got the same email as every other student telling me so. I wasn’t actually questioning why the caf was closed, I was just talking out loud. And I know, I know. “S was just trying to help.” and I “had asked a question, so they answered it.” But I wasn’t asking aloud. I speak up when I’m asking the class a question. And this was not a question meant for the class’s ears.

These are only two instances where S has come into a conversation that didn’t involve them. And each time, it has only served to put me in a bad mood. I’ve never liked interrupting, or joining in on other’s conversations (which have led to multiple instances where I just get edged out of a conversation but that’s an issue for another day). So it’s upsetting when S invades my personal space and conversations. (This being the same person who got me in frame on purpose when I said I didn’t want to be in any photos, and who likes to hug, which I generally do not.)

A funny (not really) moment though, I was having a conversation with S and another friend (E) and we were talking about our major and opportunities. S is often the type to say that there are issues (like in the text message above), and only try to change the system. Often resulting in nothing as you can’t change an institution overnight. Eventually it came up and S said that they were an optimist. Funny, considering how much they say that everything is going wrong at this school. But fine, you’re spearheading a minor that has never been done before, good for you. S claims to be a person that sticks to the program, a glass half full type. And I can see that. But they’re the type to have a vision of how this track is supposed to be, and is trying to pull the program to meet their vision. And not every part is working.

But then they called me a pessimist. Ouch. Yes life sucks, but you just have to find the workarounds. Thankfully E defended me. In so many words they said that while S is the type to try and mold the program to fir them, I am the type to try to use the program and find a way to work within it. And while he doesn’t know, that actually means a lot to me. I used to (and might still be) pretty negative. My mom even told me so. But I’ve tried to grow into the person who can see that there are problems, but then find a way to fix them. Glass half full? Get a smaller glass. When people call me a pessimist, I usually shoot back with “Realist”. But now that I know that S sees me as a someone only looking for the negatives, I think I realize where their focus is on me. They see me as someone only seeing the bad, and today’s text makes me think that they think that I can’t do my job.

So that sucks, and I wonder how this meeting is going to go. I’ll definitively slip in a “I didn’t know you felt animosity between us and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to communicate enough.” towards the SMs because technically, I’m the only Designer and therefore the issues must be coming from their side. Because I have not raised any issues.” Is it petty? Maybe. But I want to be accountable. For my apparent lack of action.

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copingmechanism1899 · 2 years ago

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Mar 5, 2023

Do you ever have those days where you just suddenly feel very sad? I have so much work due so soon and it’s not looking good.

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copingmechanism1899 · 2 years ago

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Feb 12, 2023

So it just hit midnight so this is all about “yesterday”.

We shot today. All the “common room” scenes for the project I’m working on right now. And I’ll say it now, I think it looks pretty good. It’s just I’m a bit TOed about what’s been happening.

Starting back from last semester, out first production meeting was pushed back (and I don’t think I know the reason,) So our first meeting ended up being during winter break. Which was, not terrible, but not my favorite. I had visuals and moodboard type things ready for that meeting so I was prepared. Or as prepared as I could be, considering we didn’t have a final script yet and virtually no information.

I find out during this meeting that the director wants to film at the school, and that sounded great, as I had heard horror stories from the other films about having to shoot on location. But then she emails me after the meeting to see if we can talk location. Of course I say yes, and we hop on. I end up hearing that she doesn’t like any of the option that had been suggested to her, and so I was asked if I had anything else in mind. (Taking a break here to go to sleep because I suddenly got very tired,very fast)

So it’s now the 15th, but I’m finally in a place to write some stuff out.

Going back to the planning stage, I want to say, I tried to be as prepared as possible, as soon as possible. Even before the production meeting was pushed back, I had a props list done based on the version of the script that I had. I wanted things to go smoothly because of all the horror stories I heard from my peers about how films were super difficult and messy.

So I’m doing my best to communicate, but it was super difficult to get information. I was never told a date for when the final script would be locked, and once it was, I wasn’t sent a copy. I didn’t know there had been an update until I was talking with the SM team and they asked me why I had some opinions when things didn’t happen that way in the script.

But we go through the motions, getting things ready and whatnot, and every time (Dang, it’s the 17th now) I get a new little comment, it’s just a surge of work until I’m back in limbo, with no information on how to move forward.

One of the things that (at the time) I thought was super important, was the shot list. In film, you make a shot list so that your designers, director and actors know what is going to appear on camera. Both the lighting designer and I asked multiple times for a shot list as soon as possible, but we didn’t end up getting one until the 9th. Apparently the DP was pretty bad at getting back to people... Filming started on the 11th. Not to mention, that our location changed on the 10th. So going into filming, I felt under prepared and scattered.

The location had been an ongoing thing, with the first call over winter break, and having multiple factimes once we got back. I suggested a location over break, she asks the production supervisor about it. We don’t hear back until about 3 weeks out. A week later we have a factime and it changes to a smaller room. Final rehearsal and it goes back to the big room. I’m worried that we won’t have enough to dress.

Edit (23rd): [On the day of our final rehearsal, we were told that we would be able to rehearse in the space, but when we got there, another club was already there. So we we’re moved to the lobby of one of the other theatres. The club had apparently told the director that they had the space reserved, but upon further emailing (after it was too late to go back), they actually did not, and we were supposed to be in that room. So, sucks but what can you do?]

But back to the shot list. I understand that everybody has their own templates and workflow, but every single crew member working on this film was A) a student, and B) had never worked on a film before. The shot list was difficult to understand, and didn’t give any information on what we were supposed to prep for. But I digress. I just know that the director had said “360 degree shot” and that frightened me.

But everything ends up happening and we get in on the 11th at 8am, and Props/Scenic is setting up. A sidebar here, I did actually have a mentor throughout this process, and while I didn’t really have many “design” questions, it was really great to have someone there who had previous experience. She was able to answer questions when I had them, and it was helpful to bounce ideas back and forth when challenges arose.

But back to filming. We’re getting things ready, and it’s basically like a little party of our own. A few popped balloons and confetti on the floor, but nothing serious. I had tried to organize a time for us (Me+3) to make posters, (wow, it’s the 21st now...) but it ended up only being me and 1 of the build and run crew (My design assistant had an excuse, but the other b&r just, never responded.) We’re setting up food, moving furniture, etc. Camera and sound come in about 30min after us, and Lighting a bit after that (lighting was late). We get finished, actors mic-ed, and whatnot. So we begin day 1 of shooting.

Things overall went well. We wrapped earlier than expected, and there are only a few notes.

Something that multiple people noticed, was that the Lighting Mentor did a thing where once we were rolling, she slept. At first in a chair next to the director, but also on the floor (blocking a door). I felt bad for tripping on her, but she had taken one of the pillows from our couch so, a little less bad. But she wasn’t even the most problematic.

Apparently, during both set up and shooting, the DP was eating food from the party table. The one that appears on camera and is in multiple shots. Now I’m no professional, but that seems like a bit of a no-no. Both for continuity and just rules in general. We didn’t have a lot of food laying around, but there was extras behind the scenes in case we needed it. And the fact that I wasn’t informed of it, is annoying. I found out after we wrapped that first day, because I was telling the crew not to be eating things because I didn’t know what we would be needing the next day. It made me feel really icky to tell them not to eat the stuff and hear “but the DP’s been doing it.” We’re all adults yes, but we’re still students, and I don’t know that I appreciate the example of professionalism we had from the DP (throughout the process).

Another thing about food. Since we were scheduled all day, the school provides “food”. 1 meal, and it’s from the caf. So not great, I’m not 100% aware of all the information, but what I do know is that not only was there no utensils, mixed up meals, but also not enough meals for everyone. So that’s an ick.

After “lunch”, we head back up to keep shooting, and in the group chat, we get a message from the Production Manager. She asks about the storage situation (Scenic/Props and Lighting stored their equipment in the theatre in between shows because it could be locked), and if we saw “if the trash was knocked over or the headshot board in dissarray?" I respond that when Props/Scenic left, things seemed okay. Which means that Lighting had done some damage going through to get their equipment. Nothing that couldn’t easily be fixed, but it just irks me that they wouldn’t try to clean up, and open an avenue for the theatre people/Company Manager to get upset with us.

But issues aside, we wrap day 1 one shooting, and the plan is for Props/Scenic to be back at 8 am the next day. We do so, and what do we get but a locked door. The building is not open and there is no security guard at the door. So we’re stuck outside till about 8:30, and it’s nice to be out of the cold. We get in, and start setting up, today is a lot lighter for us, as it’s the confessional scenes. We clear the room, block the door and set up our single chair. Lighting had already papered the windows the night before, so we should ready. Right? Wrong. The DP lost/forgot a cable, and needed to go get a replacement at the B&H 3 miles away that didn’t open until 9. So now we wait.

One thing I should mention is that the school does this thing called “Practicum” where the onstage people take a few shifts to assist us backstage people (Generalizing ofc). Point is, they’re not any help, especially on a smaller project like this, there’s not always stuff for them to do. Maybe on a bigger show, but not this one. Day 1, none of them signed up for the 9am shift, so no extra hands to help set up. 4 people on the 12pm shift, so they’re really just sitting there.

But day 2, we have 1 person sign up for the 9am shift. Too bad that they show up after we’re done setting up, and we’re just playing a waiting game while we wait for the DP. While waiting, a bunch of us (Props/Scenic, Lighting, SM) are all sitting around. We talk about multiple topics, everyone is chilling. But at one point, the topic of knives come up. Multiple people in the group have them, mostly in multi-tool form, but some just regular pocket knifes. No matter. A little show-and-tell, no harm. But afterwards, the Practicum and Lighting Designer both still have theirs out. Not only that, they’re both constantly opening and closing the knives. Not a lot of regard for those around them, pointing them at other people, and just all around not being the most careful. At one point one of the SMs asks them to put it away, and they don’t. It takes for them to get bored before the knives go away.

This particular Practicum was only scheduled until 1pm, so after lunch, I figured that was the last we’d interact, even joking “goodbye forever!” (which is something I do regularly, no ill intent intended.) However, after wrapping, I planned to meet my friend L until they left at 6, when I would hang out with another friend, M. So I’m sitting around the elevators, talking with L when the Practicum passes us. We exchange pleasantries, and I figure that’s the end. But then she says she’s going to get food from the caf, and asks if she can join us. L says yes (no fault of their own, they’re just nice, and have no reason to say no.), and the Practicum goes off.

When they come back, they ask if we have instagram, and we exchange socials (ew. I don’t like doing that.) We’re talking for a bit when K (an underclassman and friend) and M show up. All of us are hanging out, when L has to leave. We all say goodbye and now I’m trying to find a way to leave the Practicum without being rude, and M and I already have plans. So I ask (specifically) M if we wanted to find another, more secluded room (as we are currently in a major passing area). She says yes. K is also planning to come along, as she has nothing else to do, so we all gather our belongings.

As we’re heading to the elevators about to leave and say goodbye, the Practicum follows us. It’s weird. But the 4 of us go up to a room on an upper floor, and we’re watching a competition show. It’s funny, the editing is tragic and we’re having a laugh. The editing reminds me a scene from another show, so I pull it up. It’s a weirdly high quality 1080p version of the scene, so we go to the channel page. It has 3 videos. We decide to watch all of them. And then it happens.

The Practicum gets a call. A factime more specifically, from her boyfriend. She takes the call in the room, no headphones. Weird, but quiet enough that the rest of us are still chilling. M recognizes some of the actors and we freak out, getting a bit loud. Not loud enough to bother other people on the floor, but loud enough to bother the Practicum. The Practicum- who mind you, is on a factime- who says “hey guys, can we keep it down? This is a huddle room, not a screaming room.” The audacity. The hell? Yes, the room is called a huddle room (a cutesy name to make the school appealing.), but first, we are huddled together around the computer, and second, if we’re being too loud, then leave. You’re the one who came here uninvited, and you’re the one on a phone call.

Apparently, when the Practicum and I both left the room, M and K were talking and the phrase “who even is that?” came up. Hilarious.

But back to the film. After the first Practicum left, there wasn’t much to do with the next batch except send them schlepping things back to where they belonged. Nice, less legwork for me. And thanks to the simplicity on what was needed the second day, we managed to wrap early, even with the starting delays. It definitely made the film crews of last semester “angry” at us (not really, they just had a bad experience, a 8 to 5. and not 5 pm, 5 am the next day). Overall, I think that things went very well, even with the multiple hoops we had to jump through.

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