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WARNING!! LONG DEPRESSING RANT!!

I found myself at what I have determined was the lowest point of my life so far. Lower than in high school when my depression got so bad that I wanted to kill myself and almost did a couple times. It was awful back then, but I had outlets and tools to help me. At 21 years old, I no longer had a happy place to go to. I failed out of college and lost all of my passions. The relationship that I was in was drowning me in a puddle of poison. The house that I lived in felt like a prison cell that was guarded by the officer that framed me for the crime. The only place I could get away from the officer was hiding under the bed and that’s such a cramped area and impossible to stay there forever.

And then I left. I left the city. I left the state. I left my friends behind and moved on to a place I never thought I’d go. My only friend in the new city was my dog, named by my ex and I will forever be reminded of that. But he was still my support and comfort.

I found a job immediately. 7 months later, I was promoted. 8 months after that I was promoted again. It feels good to be good at something. But being good at what I do doesn’t keep the empty feeling from coming back. There’s a lot of down time at work. Time to accidentally reflect and depress myself even more. My stress acne won’t go away. No matter how often I get promoted, it’s never enough money to relieve my stress.

My dog. My friend. My baby. He’s the sweetest, but not the smartest. He swallowed a toy. He needed surgery or euthanasia. Tearfully, I turn to my mother for help. Mom, I’m not ready to let him go. I need him. With a sigh, mom allows me to use her credit card with the promise that I’ll pay back every penny, even interest. I agree. Dog gets surgery and makes a fine recovery. $3,000. I feel robbed blind, but at least my baby is alive. No more toys for him. Six months later, he gets into the trash and swallows something else he can’t pass. Reluctantly mom allows me to use her card again. Another $3,000. Dad is angry that I would spend so much on a dog. I am yet again relieved that my best friend is still alive.

I am privileged. I live with my parents at a discounted rate. I have friends in the new city too, along with some friends in other cities. The internet is great for that. I have acquired the title and pay of “supervisor” at work. My life looks great. Like I’m on my way to living a successful life. I was able to take two different trips, each to see different friends in different cities. People are jealous. And those times are great, but the feelings that the moments bring are temporary. I go back to my regular life and the emptiness starts again. I shouldn’t say that. It never left. It was just covered by serotonin. I can admit my privilege, but I cannot feel it.

Dad is an alcoholic. He is sober again for now. Mom is afraid that his addiction will be passed down. Alcohol makes my tummy hurt if I drink too much. But it has been passed down. Alcohol just isn’t my drug of choice. Some may assume that it’s sugar, because I’m fat. While that may also be the case, it’s not what I got from my dad. I smoke marijuana every night that I can. It’s the best sleep of my life. It’s also the best orgasm, but I won’t talk about that. I joke about being a stoner, but I also feel dread inside. I’m no better than dad. Of course, I always stay safe. I never smoke when I have to work or drive. I really am sober most of the day. But when night comes, I take a 10mg gummy and smoke until my head spins. I love that feeling. But that love is what fills me with dread, knowing I’m just like my father.

All of this has taken place in the time span of less than 2 years. I still feel lost. I don’t know what my future holds and it’s painful knowing that I cannot plan that far ahead. I don’t know what I can do in life to get rid of the emptiness. Is this just what life is? Living with the empty feeling forever because your dreams will never be achieved? It feels like everything I do is working toward nothing. I am afraid that I’ll never be able to commit. I am still paying off the $2700 engagement ring that I picked out. He promised he would help pay for it, we just had to use my credit because his was terrible. Now I still have the ring, the debt, and the regret. I was the one who broke things off, and yet I am still the one full of resentment. I tell people I haven’t dated anyone because my standards are higher. I don’t want anyone remotely like him. But really, I’m just terrified. The one time I had sex after him, I was drunk and it was disastrous. Im afraid to let anyone see my body anymore. Im afraid to let anyone know who I am anymore. Im afraid of the internal disgust that I convince myself they feel when they see me. I am only 22. I know I have time. But I don’t know how else to heal from this besides be brave and just do it. I always convince myself not to, though.

If you got this far, I’m sorry, you definitely should have scrolled. But thank you for taking the time to listen. It feels like the notes app on my phone is a terrible listener lately. And I don’t want to say all of this to my best friend. They have enough to worry about.

In case anyone did read this, I want to ensure you that I am okay. I know this post is scary and depressive, but writing is the best way to lighten the load that I carry. I am okay.

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#He’s not a nerd after all

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Moulin Rouge! (2001) dir. Baz Luhrmann

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in space with markiplier (2022) // a heist with markiplier (2019) // a date with markiplier (2017)

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Love this so much

“I’ve told these stories to the best to the best of my ability with all the love, wonder, and whimsy they deserve. Now it’s up to you to pass them down.”

Stranger Things characters as Taylor Swift albums

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I’ve clung to the one thing that keeps me connected to you all. That thing always has and always will be music. And may it continue, evermore.

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t shirt that says “i used to be worse”

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Reblogging again because it’s still relevant

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Mike: Is there a way to get rid of Max?

Will: Not without cause, Mike.

Mike: I have cause. It's be-Cause I hate her.

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This show is my life and Gina is me

please watch brooklyn nine nine

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Appreciation post for Dustin:

Dustin is probably one of the strongest characters in the show, in my opinion. In the first season, he puts up with bullies because of his teeth and continued to move on with his life because that was just the norm for him. (I would probably cry if I got bullied the way he did). And in the second season, he meets a girl that he likes, but ends up having to give her up because he can tell she likes Lucas better. And then at the dance, he gets turned down by all of these girls, even though he felt so confident. Dustin literally deserves to be with someone just as sweet and caring and cute as he is. And he certainly does not deserve to be given the looks that those dumb girls gave him at the dance

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Don’t mess with percabeth

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eleven is extra af because for her badass return she killed a demodog and then straight up launched it through joyce’s window, like that was so unnecessary but what else do you expect a queen to do

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@zephy-beeblebrox I understand... its just that an hour after you left, Allen signed off of Kik and he hasn't been on since. I have no one to talk to but Juan and I'm not used to talking to him and he's not exactly the person I want to talk to. I know you'll come back, but there are other things that are happening too that I worry about so I can't help but worry about you. Sorry for bugging you. But I love you too

I get sick of tumblr’s version of self care, which 90% of the time threads into this beautifully: go pet a fuzzy cute animal! pile up your favorite blankets from childhood and watch disney movies! take a nap! play a game from this list of cute soothings games! 

More realistically: go take a shower because it’s been three days. Wash the dishes that have been in the sink since last Friday that you can smell as soon as you open your door because rotting food stinks. Pick all your clothes off the floor because that’s where your entire wardrobe is and you’ve already cried today because you tripped over a sweater and realized the cat puked on it. Call someone who can give you enough courage to pay that bill you’ve been ignoring. Put away the crackers because that’s all you’ve eaten for two days straight. Apologize to the friends who are worried sick about you, and if you can’t at least let them know you are ok and need space. 

One of the most empowering types of self-care is responsibility, but tumblr just wants to sit in a closet strung with fairy lights and read their favorite fic.  

“Cute” self-care for “cute” mental issues. That’s not reality. 

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Things other people love

things to never make fun of:

mental illnesses 

eating disorders

cutting

suicide 

rape