corviddusk

[corviddusk]

genuinely bugs me how often this site forgets two things can be true at once. "transmasc ppl face misogyny" and "transmasc ppl are not incapable of/can highly benefit from misogyny" are not conflicting statements.

why do you think there were so many jokes from tguys abt how leaning into toxic ideals of masculinity was "gender affirming", or how "be an offstandish jackass for no reason" was a troublingly recurring thing in "passing tips"? you don't think there was any misogyny at the root of that? any groups of people that behavior's historically been designed to keep down? are we forgetting how violently misogynistic transmeds were/are??

[corviddusk]

Transmisogyny is anticommunist at its core.

[corviddusk]

hopefully this doesn't get me crucified but it's something I noticed.

[corviddusk]

Are they ‘trauma dumping’ or are they just discussing their life experience and you are such an asshole that you can’t stand to be confronted with information that makes you uncomfortable for 0.005 seconds???

[corviddusk]

I think about this study and the "little involvement in the community(any community)" bullet a lot.

[corviddusk]

Something came over me and suddenly I'd made this :3

[corviddusk]

₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚

Survivor's Dilema

Ways being a cult survivor was used against me by the second cult I joined in college.

₊˚ ✧ ━━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━━ ✧ ₊˚

It should be quite clear that I have some odd experiences from the title alone but I find it reasonable to relay ways that I was taken for a fool by the leader of the cult of personality I joined in college as well as rhetoric the group used in general that preyed upon the fact that I had been through something deemed objectively "worse" before. For context I grew up in a destructive cult, which differs significantly from a cult of personality. This cult was in real life and is where I was trafficked as a child. Something that is currently under investigation so I will say no more. This is objectively more awful than the online cult of personality I joined the discord server of in late 2022 and became properly recruited into by October of 2023. I left in September of 2024 after getting some distance due to people close to me in real life after I graduated college.

Abusers will take advantage of those who have had severe trauma and use that trauma against you to convince you that nothing is wrong.

─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ───

Rhetoric

The following are examples of ideas and claims either my abusers, fellow cult members or myself used To justify what was happening and how my past experiences "cleared" the group of being "a real cult"

This group is online, it's impossible for physical abuse to occur from the internet. It's not capable of being a cult.

You were assaulted and brutalized as a child. You're an adult now this is different. You're legal now, so it's okay.

The people who point out that young adults in the college age range aren't as mature as the other members in their 30s and 40s and are being taken advantage of are infantilizing you and others. It's normal for someone twice your age to be your friend. That can never go wrong.

What you experienced was a real cult, this is just a friend group. You're allowed to voice your opinions (if you follow a strict set of rules and guidelines and abide by the unsaid rules as well).

If this was a cult we wouldn't let you talk about growing up in a cult. Cults never talk badly about cults as a concept.

The only ones capable of handling you venting in depth about your trauma other than other survivors being us is a sign that we are the only safe people. We really understand cults and we care. (Taking advantage of the fact that others did not support me. As well as consistently leading me to dwell in obsession on my trauma).

We're always there when you vent we know what you went through obviously this is nothing like that. That was real trauma and pain this is nothing. They're trying to trick you.

─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ───

Weaponization

On the flip side of the gross rhetoric employed by my abusers and my own self with attempts to further align myself with the group- is the enactment of those ideas as well as the weaponization of my status as a cult survivor to shield them from any criticism.

My abusers publicly discussed how I was a "real cult survivor" and would put things about my trauma without my permission and twist it ever so subtly to both make me seem a bit too unstable or possibly insane AND to get pity points

They were planning to have me on their platform to discuss being a cult survivor and break down information I knew about cults and how they worked. If this has happened it would have been in the interest of making them look better.

My abusers and even other members of the cult knew what to bring up from my past to convince me to go along with their narrative. The Us Vs. Them that was employed against the cult leaders detractors was further enforced by purposeful comparison between my original cult and traffickers and these people trying desperately to get me and some of the other younger members out.

A false sense of authority was enabled by the cult when it came to my knowledge of the matter. I am not a doctor I am merely one survivor. Being a survivor doesn't make you smarter or stronger- it actually makes you more vulnerable.

Using the fact they care for and aid me, a cult and trafficking survivor, as a shield. This includes using me to claim that anyone against them was attacking a trafficking survivor and made me believe they hated me for my trauma.

This is not a list of all tactics nor does it always apply to everyone else, but I do think it's important for people to be aware of how cults can manipulate someone and especially prey on those who are already vulnerable. There is a common idea in survivor spaces that it's unlikely for you to get into a cult again or you may somehow have better awareness against them. This is not true by and large. You may notice specific behaviors more but if someone is able to get you to slip back into your cult personality or play into your inborn dependency or ability to be easily swayed common in survivors who were specifically raised in culte- you will be in danger.

It is important to have people you can open up to and trust. Talking about things is a great way to process them and eventually cope with what happened to you. However it is hard to find genuine and earnest people. Some will take advantage of your precarious situation. Whether intentionally or not, some people will do you harm.

None of what was said in rhetoric are correct nor cohesive views of reality. Online cults can and do exist and though they may cause less harm than the real thing it is always possible close knit cults may simply upgrade to being in person one day. This was possible with the cult I was in. I guarantee it I had stayed for another few years, that's where I'd have eventually ended up. I may suffer more in totality from my trafficking but this cult is more recent and it had elements that have completely broken me. I've spent the past year slowly building myself back up.

You are not immune to cults. But it's also just as important to know you're not destined to be stuck forever. Cults are more common than people think, but they are still not the norm and something you can hopefully avoid more accurately as you begin to learn more about them. I hope this post helps some people understand ways survivors can be targeted as well as makes people who suffered in an online cult feel seen. I also want to be clear- adults can and will still be victims of cults. Their pain matters just as much as that of any child. Children who grow up in cults will inevitably have more issues in the end due to never having a baseline outside of the cult, which is more difficult, but adult still suffer and matter.

[corviddusk]

It doesn't have to be exclusive. There are non-exclusive pedophiles. Pedophilia technically does mean that but colloquially it means attraction to any and all children even going through puberty or post puberty. As long as they're under the legal age of consent. Pedophilia is always sexual but you can be a child abuser without the sexual attraction. Also the sexual attraction applies to fantasies and that which you theoretically want to engage in or get off to. Imagining raping a child to get off is in fact pedophilia. /info

"this artist/content creator is a pedophile" and it turns out they're just... a lolisho. drawings. pixels. fictional characters. who gaf lmfao ☠️☠️ that's such a non issue

you people water down the term pedophile so much because i did NOT just see people calling a newly married couple "pedo4pedo" for both being lolisho,,, treating drawings and pixels as real people yet send rape threats and death threats to REAL PEOPLE coping with paraphilic disorders with proshipping or those simply liking taboo stuff in fiction, like pick a goddamn side 🥀🥀

what the fuck do you think "pro-" means??? you'd think most native english speakers would know what a prefix is but noooo. it means "FOR", in favour of in support of. proshipping is "FOR SHIPPING", it's anti harassment for what you enjoy in fiction

(+ pedophilia is also a psychological disorder but i don't think most people are ready for that conversation yet, psych student btw)

[corviddusk]

That's still a pedophile.

If you get aroused by fictional scenarios of raping kids you're a pedophile. By definition. You're the one who doesn't know what the term means. You're conflating child predators with pedophiles. Pedos are those with the attraction or fantasies. Predators are the offenders. You have the said disorder if you show the symptoms. Jacking it to little kids in your head is- fun fact- a symptom of the disorder. People who refuse to accept this reality are anti-recovery and enabled pedos to get worse and eventually assault a real child.

Mental health matters if you actually cared you'd encourage it being the norm for lolicons and Shotacons to get intensive therapy.

But you don't care about real kids nor do you care about mentally ill people.

Also before you bitch and whine- im a child sex trafficking survivor. I'm not comparing my traffickers to lolicons. I'm saying lolicons have the same disorder that some of my abuser had. It's really not that hard to understand.

"this artist/content creator is a pedophile" and it turns out they're just... a lolisho. drawings. pixels. fictional characters. who gaf lmfao ☠️☠️ that's such a non issue

you people water down the term pedophile so much because i did NOT just see people calling a newly married couple "pedo4pedo" for both being lolisho,,, treating drawings and pixels as real people yet send rape threats and death threats to REAL PEOPLE coping with paraphilic disorders with proshipping or those simply liking taboo stuff in fiction, like pick a goddamn side 🥀🥀

what the fuck do you think "pro-" means??? you'd think most native english speakers would know what a prefix is but noooo. it means "FOR", in favour of in support of. proshipping is "FOR SHIPPING", it's anti harassment for what you enjoy in fiction

(+ pedophilia is also a psychological disorder but i don't think most people are ready for that conversation yet, psych student btw)

[corviddusk]

Lolicons and Shotacons who get sexually aroused by the content of the media they consume are pedophiles.

You are sexually aroused by the idea of raping a child. You are attracted to children, yes this is a fictional child in your head but often other pedophiles who may not consume lolicon will make up fictional children for their sexual fantasies. Much like how a straight woman may imagine a fictional man for the purposes of sexual arousal a pedophile will imagine a fictional child.

You do not have POCD. You would not be sexually aroused by the content to the point you actively choose to fantasize about it and jerk off to it if you had real POCD. POCD leads to fear of children's clothing, voices, schools, and anything related to children due to worries you will magically abuse them.

Unwanted groinal responses is different than genuine infatuation and attraction.

[corviddusk]

Moving Away From RAMCOA

So some of you may have caught onto the name that I'm using and associate "The Forlorn" with an older account of mine that I ran while in a cult of personality. That's right I was in a cult of personality when I ran that. Before "The Forlorn" it was "CulticHellVent" if my memory serves me. Both of which were connected to my identity Night Wyld that I later abandoned upon leaving the cult I was in at the time. I now go by Dusk Noir.

On both "The Forlorn" and "CultishHellVent" accounts I was really big into the concept of and the discussions surrounding RAMCOA. I identified myself as a RAMCOA survivor. But obviously my opinions have changed. Why is that? Well let's discuss.

What is RAMCOA

For a brief overview of RAMCOA I'll explain the meanings behind each of the three main parts of the acronym. I'll be as impartial as possible on this as my current opinion and feelings are not necessary to discuss quite yet.

RA = Ritual(istic) Abuse

This refers to abuse that is repetitive to the point it becomes a habit to react as if said abuse is about to happen. If your abuser specifically hurt you the most on Saturdays you may worry about the abuse happening or mentally feel it coming even years later on Saturdays.

MC = Mind Control

This refers to the way that one's mind may be altered by trauma and conditioning. Usually this pertains to things like brainwashing or behavior control. In some cases this refers to something called programming in many specifically Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)/Hc-DID (HC meaning highly complex). HC-DID tends to be the term used by programmed systems. This essentially means that someone has been purposely induced into developing DID. In other cases it means someone hijacked the natural process of the disorder to force people to split alters and then attempt to make those alters behave in specific manners.

OA = Organized Abuse

Any group that conspires together to commit abuse on an individual or multiple individuals. This can span all the way from a small gang to things like the human experimentation done by Unit 731. They can be massive or small. Most commonly survivors of these online are cult, gang, or trafficking survivors.

RAMCOA as an acronym serves to cover those who have experienced extreme abuse. And often is used almost exclusively for those with DID. However the term bye itself does not erase those without DID.

It is a controversial term due to the fact that the ISSTD SIG is originally credited with its creations and some members of said panel are conspiracy theorists. There is also concern of ties to proclaimed Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA) and the past satanic panic that leads people to believe RAMCOA is just a continuation of the same core idea. This unfortunately ignores those who've never claimed nor believe their abusers had anything to do with the occult or satanism.

My own stance on the term will be explained as we go along on this post.

My Experiences

I. Introduction

My first proper exposure to RAMCOA was when I was in a discord server for the system community. It was unfortunately Anti-Endo primarily (a stance I disagreed with) but allowed any and all stances of discourse in as long as you had DID, which I did. Over time I would see glimpses of what this thing was... And usually I saw people saying any amount of questioning whatsoever if you grew up in a cult or were trafficked will get you instantly killed. It will trigger something in your brain and force you to kill yourself if you're a real survivor!!! Never ever talk about it or look into it!!!

So I got curious and decided to revisit the source of the dread I had felt for years in spite of them. Was the church I grew up in a cult? Speaking of which I can't remember anything about it it's... I'm blocked from all of it. I used to be there literally every day ofu childhood without my...

Without my parents.

Every day.

I looked things up asked my mom about it and found that looking at it on Google Earth absolutely sent me into a spiral. I had a horrific amount of flashbacks but with help in therapy I worked through things and eventually I realized... I had always been right. Ever since I was scared I had grown up in a cult before we moved when I was 10, I was right. I was 12 the first time I started intensive research into cults. Maybe 14 the first time I wrote down the bite model for the church I grew up in before losing my shit over what I found and forgetting everything again.

Therapy helped more I began to write down memories when they came to me instead of screaming or crying and pushing them away and I knew I grew up in a cult. So I said it to my friends in that server. Of course cue them brutalizing me and screaming about how I was going to get people killed for daring to say the word cult. I was told I was the same as my abusers and any mentions of my suffering was disgustingly irresponsible and I should NEVER talk about it. And so I was isolated. You know who I ran to after they did this? The people who would go on to groom me for the next two years and break me so utterly and completely that I still on the rare occasion get nightmares.

II. Pandemonium

I at some point joined the discord server as a supposed activist for survivors of RAMCOA said "activist" claimed to have a portion of land in Ireland allotted for them in order to help house survivors of cults and trafficking. This was a server I did in fact find a childhood acquaintance in, something I am still to this day grateful for. However that was not the only thing. See this activist had a thing for going around and claiming everyone was connected to her own trauma and a global ring. Not even caring about the fact that people were usually at most only related due to dark web money for illegal videos.

This wasn't the end of her problems you see. She brought someone into the server. Someone she claimed was a survivor. Of course many people believed her, and as many did so foolishly I shared more private information such as the name of the cult I grew up in and pictures of myself as a child as well as talking a bit about the trafficking the youth pastor and his friend put me through. This individual who I had talked too later turned out to be actively working for a trafficking ring and trying to apparently pull this "activist" back into the ring. Of course this was shut down but she admitted to allowing this man in her server for survivors even while knowing what he was and planning to "expose him". But I suppose endangering numerous others is fine. I still have confusing feelings and am quite unsure of what to even begin to believe about this situation.

The final straw for me leaving outright was a mix of horrific incidents. Though I took a while to leave because I was busy being groomed and abused- I did have enough time to catch some of the horrific details. Said "activist" trafficked a child to Ireland with the help of others in the name of saving said child from other sex traffickers. They didn't have the legal ability to do so and instead of giving this poor kid a place to stay like they promised- she left them homeless on the streets. Oh and afterwards said "activist" was exposed to be a TERF so... That too.

Just to be absolutely clear that is not the correct way to try and help a child who is being trafficked. The best thing that you can do is find all the hotlines in their area, talk to them in depth and understand everything they have going on, and inquire about whether or not they can call these hotlines themselves or you need to. Call the hotlines, tell them everything you know. Make sure professionals are aware and are on the case. The professionals will know what to do better than you and they will have the resources to actually care for the child. Vigilante help and justice do not make victims safe.

III. Dependency

I ran as I said before, two different blogs centered on RAMCOA. During these being up I would get sent a large amount of asks some with far too much dependency upon myself. I understand that I was there as someone willing to give advice but some people went in depth with their trauma stories and gave very personal information. This is a trend with the community as a whole and very concerning. Putting all your faith in a 19-20 year old who's just beginning to figure things out isn't a safe bet. I should've put a stop to that kind of stuff sooner.

IV. Backlash

Both from within and outside of the broader RAMCOA and plural community I experienced excessive backlash to the point of constant waves of harassment. Often people would mock my experiences, purposefully try to trigger me, trauma dump about how the community affected them or similar. It was something that started to wear me down until I just couldn't take it anymore. You are objectively taken less seriously if you use the term.

Why I'm distancing from RAMCOA

As you can see I don't necessarily have the best experiences when it comes to the community in fact I would go as far as to say my experiences were quite poor. There were things I struggled to at first fully grasp were occurring within the community at the beginning. My brush up and run ins with a person who would go on to literally traffick a child (albeit the illegal kidnapping was for "good reasons" it was still child trafficking) has been more than enough reason on its own for me to avoid the community and subsequently the term like the plague.

Another reason I haven't fully touched on is the way it enabled my own delusions while I was deeply psychotic due to a mix of being abused and having undiagnosed schizoaffective disorder at the time. Now I'm on antipsychotics and have a better awareness but for a while I had convinced myself that due to my father's occupation working for the government the feds were in on my childhood trauma. I believed the feds must have been why I got trafficked and thus I was a human experiment and eyes were everywhere watching me. This also led to me believing I was a sleeper agent. This idea went fully unchallenged and in fact seen as rational due to my father's past occupation before his retirement. At least to the community. The reality is far sadder. My father's occupation made it so he was gone a lot and my mother was neglectful. My dad simply wasn't there to save me and my mom didn't care enough. That's the only way that federal agents were involved with my abuse. My own dad having to take his trips for work. It's something we've talked about together. He feels awful but we both know it wasn't his fault I was too young to have the words and he never knew.

The community itself is not responsible for my delusions coming up but the community does enable those who have additional delusions surrounding their trauma. You can't make up memories that you got trafficked, memories don't work that way. But you can make connections where there aren't any and be told by the people around you that you must be part of some secret "government programming" operation. I wasn't. There would be no reason to do that. Nothing to gain. My abuser gained by their abuse of me, money maybe status, and most certainly a sadistic form of pleasure.

The last reason I'm moving away is simply because I'm tired of my trauma being associated with conspiracy theories. I'm tired of explaining over and over the specifics of what I mean by certain words. Simply put it is best to just be blunt about what happened.

How I See It Now

I was abused to the point of developing severe and chronic disabilities that will forever impact me. My mind has been altered, I will never know who I would be without the cult. My very personality was molded by it before I understood what a personality even was. There were patterns to when times got worse and I still get sick with anxiety around those times. I was abused by a group, namely a cult with one fucked up youth pastor with unsavory criminal friends. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I wasn't special, I wasn't chosen, I wasn't even targeted uniquely. I was there. And so I was abused.

I want to stick with being candid about things and use language reflecting that. I want to talk about stuff without all the baggage of the term RAMCOA or it's new incarnation- Organized Extreme Abuse (OEA). It'll be more accessible to people in general.

Of course these are only my opinions, nothing concrete. But I hope someone felt heard or understood or perhaps understands me.

[corviddusk]

[Putting on my robe and inquisitor hat to meticulously assemble a narrative about a queer person's views through selective cropping of their work, discarding the multiple times they have explicitly stated the opposite views] It is my solemn duty to make this community safe

[corviddusk]

THIS ☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽

[corviddusk]

It's wrong for men to be obsessed with women and sexual ownership over their bodies to the point they fetishize and exclusively seek out lesbian content and fantasize about how sexy lesbians are and treat them like sexual objects- that's misogyny and homophobia.

.

..

...

....

.....

......

.......

It is ALSO homophobia if a woman does this about gay men.

And before you cry and whine and your emotional support bigotry let me be clear- its not misandrist. Misandry doesn't exist. You're just a homophobe who views gay people as sexual objects.

But does that really make you any better?

[corviddusk]

"calling someone an egg is just misgendering repackaged" you know less than nothing. you are younger than a baby you haven't even been born yet. you've spent not a single day on the soil of this planet, and certainly not in the shoes of a trans woman. you are saying words and they have no meaning to you, they're just sounds to you. you've never thought about anything. if i asked you to explain what misgendering is and why it's bad, the inanity of your answer would be lethal. you think cis people can be meaningfully misgendered. you know less than less than nothing.

[corviddusk]

Aaaaand hello again, my loves! It's time for some new pride flags!

Intersex Woman Pride Flag:

Interfemme Pride Flag:

Interfemme Pride Flag (Other Version W/ Intersex Mercury Symbol):

Intersex Man Pride Flag:

Intermasc Pride Flag:

Intermasc Pride Flag (Other Version W/ Intersex Mercury Flag):

Fem-Intermasc Flag:

For intersex men & intermascs that are femme / feminine and/or androgynous in presentation and expression, internally and externally.

Masc-Interfem Flag:

For intersex women & interfems that are masc / masculine and/or androgynous in presentation and expression, internally and externally.

[corviddusk]

living life as a trans man/transmasc in any level of closeted/out/passing is HARD and i know that from personal experience. but the fact that i keep seeing transmascs/tme trans people reply to transfems justifiably criticizing tme trans people for not standing with them time and time again by saying things like "who hurt you lol" or "why can't you just focus on trans solidarity" like truly i hate your guts. YOU are who is hurting them. right now. you're not standing with them. RIGHT NOW.