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cosmicxmelodies · 2 years

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I’m tired. Emotionally.

Back then, I never really cared much about politics but I remember supporting Rodrigo Duterte during the 2016 Presidential Elections. My family were not his die-hard supporters but we had merch to support him and his candidacy.

I liked people who are strong and blunt—those who can protect the country. Maybe that’s the reason why I liked him a lot. I knew he was a good mayor of Davao so I hoped that he can change the Philippines for the better.

I wasn’t a registered voter yet so all I could do was to share posts about him and his statements. Back then, DDS was a thing already but it wasn’t as degrading as it is now. DDS used to stand for “Davao Death Squad” until it turned out to be “Die-Hard Duterte Supporter”.

I didn’t really mind any bashing directed to him simply because I didn’t see a lot of bashers around. Most of my friends were supporting him, too, and so when he won the presidency, I was really happy. I even posted him on my Instagram feed (now deleted).

I openly supported him from the very start. I wanted change in this country. I wanted to be safe. Little did I know, it was the start of a hellish ride to 2022.

The War on Drugs was the first issue that came to my mind as I am writing this post. It was bloody. At some point, I was a supporter of this movement. It was only until the rising number of cases that I started to doubt his morals and values.

He was a tough guy. People feared him. I think he abused his authority. Countless deaths during the Drug War has always been in the news. Since then, I slowly drifted away.

In 2020, COVID began spreading like wildfire in the country. He had all the capabilities to stop foreigners from visiting the country, yet he did not bat an eyelash about it. He was more concerned about the investors, the POGOs, and the economy.

I was mad because I experienced it first-hand. I was in the university when the first case of COVID was announced. We were all worried.

Duterte did not do anything. He let them in. A week later, he announced a lockdown. It took him more than seven days to decide and announce—and in those seven days, people started getting sick. People died.

I do not believe that he does not have empathy because I know that he does, but relieving these bad memories breaks my heart. We could have saved their lives if only he announced the lockdown earlier. They could have stayed with their families, they could have done more things in life.

It’s so unfair. I was furious. It was so hard to live during those tough times. I was enraged that I even wished ill upon him.

If you know me personally, you’ll know that my emotions get the worst out of me. I lash out and express my anger online. I say whatever I want to without even considering what other people might think. I just could not keep it to myself. I had to let things out.

He’s old and I am very soft for old people but remembering his decisions makes me angry.

Now, his daughter, Sara, ran for Vice President along with Bongbong Marcos (of course you know him). I couldn’t bear watching videos about Martial Law because I know I’ll be fuming right after knowing what happened during that time. Yes, I am aware, but only through textbooks during high school as well as online posts.

I cannot stand watching people die of hunger and torture because I know that I couldn’t do anything about it and I’ll only feel guilty. The Marcoses lived a good life while the Filipinos suffer under their regime.

Apparently, Marcos had already won the elections—although I am still hoping for a miracle.

I wanted Leni Robredo to win. After all, she embodies the hope and change that we, Filipinos, wanted to achieve. I am not very vocal about my support towards her because my family supports the thief (Bongbong) but after the voting, I finally expressed my side as a Kakampink.

I supported a Duterte before but I will no longer support a Duterte, especially now.

By becoming BBM’s running mate, it only goes to show that she’s an enabler of the Marcoses. It irks me to remember how I bad I wanted her father to win, and now that she could be our nation’s Vice President, my stomach just could not take it.

As much as I don’t want to associate myself with BBM-Sara supporters, I could not do it because my family supports them. They simply could not be for Leni due to the Hacienda Luisita Massacre, which is obviously not Leni’s doing.

They associated her with the Aquinos which is ridiculous if you ask me. Leni is an independent candidate. Although she used to be Mar Roxas’ running mate during the 2016 Elections, it does not mean that she is an Aquino. She is a Robredo. If you’re literate, you’ll understand. But if your mind is closed to the truth, you’ll probably ignore what I just said.

The Aquinos had their shortcomings but it was as hellish as it is now. I support Leni but I am not a fanatic. I will continue to criticize those who will fail the country. After all, democracy is practiced in the Philippines so it’s only right to voice out our opinions when needed.

I could spend all day dealing with my Facebook friends who openly support the BBM-Sara tandem but I have a day job—a job that feeds me and my family, a job that I scored because I had a degree, and a job that allows me to pay my own bills.

Bongbong did not finish his degree and he’s banned in the United States. I can’t believe that people elected this man to be our president. Have you all forgot about Martial Law? Perhaps you all wanted to experience it.

Take me out of that narrative because I will not support Bongbong and Sara in any way, shape, or form. I stand by my morals and I still have a dignity left. I’m not going to risk it for them. They do not deserve it.

I want him to prove me wrong but I don’t want to suffer in the next 6 years. Miracle is what I need right now but maybe I should stop hoping.

I am tired. Emotionally. Please guide us, Lord. Please watch over our country. I leave it to you now.

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cosmicxmelodies · 3 years

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Today’s topic is about work.

Last month, I marked my first work anniversary. It’s something I’m really proud of because my journey to regularization wasn’t a piece of cake.

When I applied for jobs, I didn’t care about the positions anymore. I just really wanted to find a stable work for myself. I tried applying in a BPO company. I was confident that I’ll pass, considering my background in communication (which is a plus if you’re applying in the customer service industry). However, I failed. It was probably due to my nervousness during the sample calls and how I answered during the interview.

I went home and accepted my fate. I wasn’t as disappointed as I thought I’d be but I was thinking that maybe this isn’t God’s plan for me. I failed for a reason—and that reason does not mean I’d stop looking for the right job.

I applied for so many jobs that I lost count. I even had a job interview when we lost electricity. During those interviews, I felt confident but I chose to manage my expectations. I don’t want to assume that I’ll pass right away because I no longer want to disappoint myself even more.

People rejecting you face to face instead of online was harder to accept. When that BPO company told me that I didn’t pass, I acted just fine, like it was nothing—which is just half true. Of course it was something. We’re talking about jobs here, we’re talking about money, income, and experience.

Until one day, I think I was doing my laundry that time, someone from my current company reached out to me. With all those applications that I sent to various employers, I didn’t even know that I would still get this job after so long.

I started applying around June 2020 but I only got that phone call in January 2021. Like the usual interviews that I did, I didn’t expect much at all. I attended the interviews, took the online exams (which I didn’t want to take back then due to laziness but I complied anyway because ~courtesy~), and hoped for the best.

The interviews continued on and on until I was given the job offer. Honestly, with all the disappointments that I’ve had in the past, I no longer felt the excitement. Don’t get me wrong. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity they’ve given me. But I think I got so numb from all the rejections.

I accepted the job offer, of course. It was a good deal because we were still in the middle of the pandemic and I wanted to help with our bills. Not to mention that the job is temporarily work from home and a laptop will also be provided.

Literally they’ve provided me with all the things I need in order to get me started at work. I am so grateful. Not all companies do that.

When I started my job, I attended a month-long training for newbies like me. I met my batchmates (which are now my friends) and I got to learn more about what copywriting is all about.

I’m definitely grateful because my work is aligned with my degree. I think they saw the potential in me because I was a previous writer for our university’s official student newspaper. Even though I wrote in Filipino, I could say that I’m okay in English because of roleplay.

However, it’s not always the happiest for me. I was told by the hiring manager that this job takes a lot of courage and acceptance. I was a writer for a newspaper and I had my editors as well. She told me that I’ll be facing criticisms with my work and asked if it’s okay with me. Of course I said yes. I told her that mistakes will make us stronger—that’s what those criticisms are for.

But I underestimated it. Knowing myself, I hate getting criticisms, whether it’s constructive or not. When we first started writing during training, I always get so anxious. The anxiety was so bad that I don’t even want to look at my phone. I cried and hated myself when I get something wrong. I questioned my abilities. I didn’t trust myself anymore.

It was so hard seeing your batchmates go up while you’re stuck in a deep slump. After the training period, I was one of the last people to go live on the production floor. My trainer had to give us second chances because my batchmate and I didn’t meet the required points. To be honest, at that point, I just wanted to pass that specific last exam. I forgot about my other problems and I only focused on this one.

It’s true that it’s hard to fear something you cannot see nor control. You don’t know when and where it’ll hit you. I feared failure. I’m scared of it like a kid getting terrified at Pennywise.

With God’s grace, I passed. I was able to do live orders. That was when I consider myself as a graduate. My tears and hardwork finally paid off. Little did I know, it’s only the beginning of my lifelong journey as an employed individual.

What I said about getting my mistakes corrected every single day is still continuing up to this day. I’m at my bed, writing this while getting a little bit anxious on the side. Honestly, the anxiety attack is not that severe anymore. Every day of my life, I learned to just hope for the best and wish that the editors won’t send my work back for modification.

I hated modifications. It’s so annoying. Like I already did my job, stop sending it back to me for another job because I have so much on my plate and I can no longer handle that.

Some editors are merciless, though, and please. I do understand that it’s their job to correct me but still, I hated that feeling. I still do.

One month away from my supposed regularization date, my grades fluctuated so much that I had to focus every single day. I monitored my grades and got so much anxiety for it.

It felt like high school again where grades matter the most. I didn’t know that having this kind of job means having to go through this shit all over again. With that being said, I became grade-conscious. I recorded all my grades for the week and hoped I’ll pass. Otherwise, I should be looking for new jobs instead.

Of course I didn’t want to lose my job but I got ready for the worst, just in case, because again—I hate being a disappointment.

I powered through my anxiety and made it. I’m finally a regular employee. I can now breathe easily knowing that I won’t be losing my job anytime soon.

Just to inform you, I’m not really clinically-diagnosed with anxiety but it’s what I felt during those tough times so I consider it as that. I’m scared of going to a psychiatrist because my mom will probably know about it and I hate it when they worry nor focus about me.

Going back to the work topic, I am now proud to say that I’ve always been a qualifier for P4P incentives due to my good performance at the team. Team Leaders tell me that I am one of the team’s best performers which is a big deal for me because I used to think that I’m stupid. All those hardships in the past paid off. I only prayed for me to pass the training period but God has given me so much.

I was also given an opportunity to apply for a new role (probably an easier one, but since I do have social anxiety at times, it could be hard) that involves being in the Learning and Training department. The deadline of application is getting near but I have not decided just yet. Hopefully, the Lord will give me a sign if I should push through it or not.

I will also be transferring to the night shift next week and I’ll be handling (perhaps) a workload that won’t be needing quality checks from nitpicky editors.

Looking back, I’ve gone through so much in just a span of a year. I may not say it nor look like it but I do have problems that I chose not to share to anyone. Mainly because I don’t want them to feel bad about me. Being looked down is the last thing I want to feel in life. You may think that I’m one of the best performers of our account but before I achieve that accomplishment, I’ll experience terrible anxiety first.

People have different problems and needs in life. I realized that being kind is one of the most important things to be during these tough times. We don’t know what others are going through so the least we could do is to be nice to them.

We all have hardships in life that we thought we couldn’t get pass off, but through faith, we’ll surpass everything.

I am grateful for the job that I have right now. I can buy things that I want, provide for my family, and save up for the future. I may breakdown at times, but I’ll continue to move forward despite everything.

I hope I could stay more at this job. I hope I can endure the stress more. God, my destiny is in your hands. Please put me in a job where I’ll be appreciated and managed well.

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