crabcakers

[crabcakers]

entry 5/24/25

as i sit and reflect to those around me, i realize just how alone i am.

sure, i've got friends, but they often feel like acquaintances more than anything. for people at university, yeah i talk to them when i'm there in person with them, but i don't find them initiating conversation with me outside of the fact. granted, i don't initiate conversation with them myself, which makes me a part of the problem i admit. but what i do i talk to them about? as far as i'm aware, i've got almost no shared interests with them.

my interests are so niche that it makes it hard to talk about them about what i enjoy without them being like "ok", because what the fuck do they know about hl2 or source mapping?

i haven't been invited to hang out with anyone outside of a school setting, and this is including non-school friends, in months. yet again, it also falls back on me somewhat because i don't ask anyone to hang out. but still, that falls back to my interest debacle, what the hell do i talk about with them? i'm sure i can make it work and find something to talk about, but i won't enjoy it all that much.

i don't feel like i belong anywhere, and sometimes i don't feel wanted. my online friend group of 10 years, i've drifted away from. i feel more just like a person that's there versus someone who actually fucking belongs there. there is such a divide between me and everyone else, and it's only grown as i've aged.

i've forcefully moved myself away from a member of that group, as he got started talking to someone who caused me severe problems. he did it knowingly what she did and how it affected me. gave me even more reason to move away from that friend group. and then i hear, "oh we miss him i wish he'd come back" then why don't you assholes get rid of the fucker that caused the problem? i'm sorry i am able to set boundaries for myself, while you fuckers can't help but dance around the "oh its okay yeah its fine" keeping this dude around while you complain about his behavior. do you people have no regard for my personal feelings? because i think i've made them pretty damn clear. i don't see you reaching out to me to ask how i've been or if i'm doing well. am i not important enough to you? some of you fuckers have gone nearly a year without a single word. only one of you even remotely seems to care about my existence and makes somewhat of an effort to even say hi.

whew.

why don't they care? i don't know. i complain and complain yet i know nothing will change. i sit in a wallow in my own despair over these issues, but fully moving away will only exacerbate my issue of loneliness. i feel it's a double-edged sword one way or another. well, it's not like much will change. some of these people don't talk to me regardless lol

then on the subject of irl friends that aren't from school, i haven't got many. being a senior in college now (holy shit wtf) i've pulled away from most of my old high school friends. i've only got 2 - 3, but it's not like most of them make an effort to respond to me anyways. i hope you can see where my problems lie. i try to stay aware of my own flaws, and i have many, but i can't be fully at fault here.

a lot of these root in my lack of ability to socialize and connect with others. i have a massive barrier around me setup as a result of my own doing, as a result of years of trauma and broken trust. and i have been trying to work on it, but man it's hard.

i find it funny, when i'm on break from school and i don't always have a deadline or something breathing down my neck, i start to have the dead air to lay in my own thoughts. and half the time it isn't very good for me.

the weight of reality is crushing.

i forget if i said why i made this account, but it's very much just a thing for me to scream my woes into the aether. i can have them somewhere, but i don't have to worry about a friend seeing what i have to say and maybe getting upset. stupid, right? i know.

[crabcakers]

entry 1/21/25

the world is a misery machine.

and though i am capable of surviving it, man does it just suck sometimes.

why am i down again? what the fuck happened? i don't know. what the hell triggers it? it comes and goes. as far as i'm aware, the thoughts that come along with these bouts are nothing to fuck around with. this isn't some "im 14 and my GF of 2 weeks broke up with me, i mheartbroken, kill mylef ofver her.... cry emoji". i've been dealing with it for so long and its gotten worse as i've gotten older. i should see a psychiatrist, fuck man.

[crabcakers]

entry 1/10/25

i often struggle with feelings of loneliness, though i know that isn't my complete reality. i have a loving family and friends that care about me (at least i hope they do), and yet i still feel alone.

i believe the fact comes down to i barely spend time with friends outside of seeing them at, for example, college. sure, i've spent time with a few people over break, maybe going to lunch, but i've always been the one to ask to go get lunch. when was the last fucking time anyone asked me to hang out? it's been well over a year, i can tell you that.

i look around me to see people spending time with others outside of the normal times during the day, and yet i always find myself back alone in my room.

i was alone on christmas, having done my family gathering the previous weekend. on new years i slept without a word.

i've been single for over 4 years. i want a romantic relationship, i want the connection, and yet i find myself unable to gain romantic interest in anyone. it's like my brain has turned off my function to develop any romantic interest. i'm sure i know why this is, but it's not something i've been able to overcome. i have not found anyone that remotely shares interests of mine, even in normal friends.

i've grown farther and farther distant from the two friend groups i had during high school. one i just separated from as they stayed in the past and the other i left out of anger.

it's all sort of contradictory, i know. at this point, i fear not much can be done regardless of contradictions.

i scream these thoughts into the aether, knowing they won't be heard, probably. i don't want them to be heard.