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[crasherfly]

6 Years Past

CW- Suicide, Self-Harm

It’s July 20th. Six years ago, Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park, passed away. He took his own life. For fans current and past it was the sucker punch we all saw coming but could never be prepared for.

Six years past and it still aches the heart.

Folks outside a fandom will not understand what it’s like within the cult of personality when a famous person dies. Yes, it’s a person you never met and who never knew your name. But paradoxically it was also a person you spent your most intimate, emotional moments with.

Chester was with me in the back of my parents’ van on the long vacation drive when I first picked up Crawling from a local rock station on my portable radio. He was with me during my most lonely after-school hours in junior high. He was with me when I wrote my first stories. He was with me when I staged my first autodrama, a piano cover of Pushing Me Away softly playing as the curtain opened.

Chester’s voice and lyrics opened my young mind up to the possibility that the angst and aggrievement I felt was not something to be buried but something to be expressed- written, sung, screamed, put front and center. Most importantly- it was a signal flare, letting me know I was not alone. 

Every year I mark this occasion by listening to Linkin Park’s music and checking in online about my own mental health.

I’ve oscillated between being very loud about the work I’ve been doing and being very quiet. I’d like to think I’ve fallen somewhere in the middle in recent months. There’s a lot of use in being transparent. There’s also a lot of bluster in it.

I’ve experienced a lot of change in the past year. I’m currently in with two therapists, one behavioral, one nutritional. It’s less intense than it sounds, as one basically serves as a sounding board for petty grievances and the other just asks me if I’m eating fruits and vegetables. I am on a program for working through panic symptoms and have some meager goals in sight- drive a car, see the dentist, run a race, that kind of stuff. That said, the program goes slow, partly due to my lack of diligence. Turns out even at my age, homework is still hard to commit to.

I’ve come to accept that for me, at least, there is no grand turning point where suddenly I wake up as a new person. Change is a process of small movements that coalesce into something more grand after months and years. I told an old friend this week “I wish the person I am now had met you back then, rather than the person I was”. It was a bleak but honest admission- I’ve experienced change, and I am mostly better for it.

But still so very far from perfect. I’ve had challenges this year and I have failed them. I still struggle to caretake, to empathize, to reject my own selfishness when tasked with bearing the burdens of another. I’m still racked with panic and imagined pain that rules my decision-making. I still struggle with truthfulness and decisions made purely to manage my own anxiety. I’m told I also struggle with cutting myself some slack- something I often counter with “but so many people have cut me slack already”.

I guess I still have work to do.

I lost a friend to suicide this year. It was someone I hadn’t spoken to in years- someone I didn’t cut slack even when they asked me for grace. As I’ve said of Chester’s death so many times, I’ll say again here- it was the suckerpunch you see coming but can’t brace for. Suicide is just like that.

The last time they reached out to me was almost ten years ago. They were in the process of making amends with people they’d wronged. It’s a sentiment I understand well, having been in that position often enough. It’s rare that I’m on the other side hearing the apology. I guess that’s why this particular moment stuck out to me- as did my failure to yield. This person asked me to forgive them for their habitual abuse. I ignored them. They lived another ten hard years- it’s likely they never thought of me again after that DM. And then it was over and I was at their visitation, alone, like a cat that had snuck into a house uninvited. 

I felt immense regret in that moment. I should have written back. It is possible it would not have made a difference if I did, or even that it could have opened me up to further abuse. I don’t believe my acceptance would have changed their overall fate. I’m not that vain. But it weighed on me nonetheless. Still does, to some extent.

In therapy, I was told there was nothing to learn from this moment. I kinda hate that. I’m not a spiritual person, but I don’t like the idea that these things happen and there’s just nothing to take away from it. So instead, I choose to believe that the lesson here is that grace can be granted, but guarded- and still be worthwhile.

...and that at this new age, there are no guarantees of a next time. Because people will break and healing is a finite quality. Some things- many things, really- will break and stay broke, including people. Especially people.

With all that said, let’s come full circle to discuss Linkin Park once more. That’s what we’re here for, after all.

This year’s single that really leaped out at me was Leave Out All The Rest. 

The chorus feels eerily significant after the fact-

“When my time comes, Forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some  Reasons to be missed. Don’t resent me, And when you’re feeling empty Keep me in your memory; Leave out all the rest.”

If that’s not the strongest possible directive on how to remember Chester and his music, I don’t know what is.

[crasherfly]

PSO2: NGS is Terrible. Yet I Can’t Stop Giving Sega Money

Everyone has that friend who bugs them to play an MMO like it’s their evangelical mission. Whether WoW, FFXIV, Warframe, Star Citizen, etc, chances are there is someone in your life who is trying to get you to join at least one of those games.

However, one game that you are likely not being asked to play is Phantasy Star Online 2: New Genesis. And there’s a simple reason for that, really, one that its players dare not utter aloud-

New Genesis is actually pretty terrible.

It’s true, it’s true. And I’d argue most of us trapped in Sega’s wallet bleed world know it.

The gameplay of PSO2: NGS essentially amounts to holding an attack button and juggling a few cooldowns. The enemies amount to varying configurations of the same few amorphous red and blue blobs whose only intent is to kill you. The story is a slow burn of nonsense that might hold meaning to longtime series fans, but will not make an impression on newcomers to the series. The loot grind is long and unforgiving, demanding you play the same handful of raids and boss fights dozens, if not hundreds of times to obtain what you might otherwise buy in a shop were it not for the game’s extremely stingy three currency system. And many of the game’s systems and stats go unexplained, demanding dives onto wikis and youtube channels to figure out the way the opaque Battle Power score is calculated (only to learn that really, per the metal, only one or two of the many stats actually matter).

It’s a joyless loot grinder, a snoozer of a game (I literally fall asleep during raids some nights) with updates that make generous use of the term “drip feed”. This was made all the more clear with the big Episode 5 update, which included quality of life adjustments that should have appeared months ago, more of the stiffest rendered cinematics I’ve ever seen in a modern game and story missions that were, save for one encounter, just rehashes of the same fights we’ve been subjected to for months. 

And yet.

AND YET.

I keep giving Sega money for doing exactly two things right-

>The game world is gorgeous, so much so that even devoid of context or reason to exist, it is a joy to escape to.

>The near infinite fashion options for your character creates the perfect social platform to project yourself into- and a safe space to explore and push norm boundaries for gender, identity, sexuality, etc.

I love building my wardrobe in PSO2. I can spend hours in the salon crafting looks. Even at level 1 there is nothing stopping a player from spending real world money on scratch tickets, trading in the personal shop and crafting imaginative looks. There’s no bar of entry to this, no cosmetic items tied to actual level or time played. Because of this, PSO2 blocks often feel less like an MMO lobby and more like the floor of a convention, with a mix of cosplayers and character actors, with the occasional sprinkle of monstrosity to round things out. 

This community has a passion for a good outfit- and with the clothes often comes a moment of self-exploration. I think it’s safe to say I entered PSO2 with a fairly masculine view of what clothes looked good on a masculine model. But over the past year that has morphed and changed, and many of my looks shifted from classic “edgelord” male to something more middle of the road, with looks that incorporate many feminine accessories, show off more skin, or even make use of pieces like sweater dresses, garters and tights. In turn, it has expanded my view of what a masculine individual in 2023 can wear, and just how much of that expectation is molded by the culture around me. And that’s just the clothing conversation- the discussion of players experimenting with an in-game gender other than their own is another important facet worthy of note.

In PSO2: NGS, there’s a joke often repeated- Fashion is the true Endgame. In NGS, the clothes don’t just make the character- they arguably make the game itself.

And because Sega’s most substantial updates continue in the form of scratch off tickets for fashion items, it’s clear that the developers have an understanding of where the community’s heart lies. While I’m sure actual effort goes into the combat and story sections of PSO2: NGS, it’s undeniable that often these updates feel like an excuse in service to a fashion simulator.

It makes me wonder what could be if Sega, or another savvy developer, just yeeted the pretense of gameplay and story altogether in favor of a true social simulator. There’s clearly an appetite for high fantasy anime. PSO2 blocks are lively enough to suggest most players, especially and endgame, prefer to sit around with their friends in beautiful digital spaces. Why not lean into that with an experience that is both less grift-y and more honest about what the players are actually here for.

Of course, we know the answer, which ties back to a set of articles that came out recently from a Sims developer who noted that men who played The Sims in tests often lied about how they spent their time. Which is to say- the gameplay likely exists so that men do not have to admit that they are investing in what they are actually investing in. As long as you can call PSO2 a roleplaying game/action game, and not a social simulator/fashion simulator, there’s some plausible deniability there for those still clinging to a dated vestige of masculinity in 2023.

But maybe someday soon that changes. I’d hope so. The deeper I get into PSO2, the more I realize that it’s not the grind or gameplay that I’m craving from an MMO, but the social connections and self-exploration that can only happen when lost in a crowd of thousands doing the very same thing. The sooner we can agree that’s what we really want, the sooner the next great digital experience can arrive to give us just that.

Until then, I guess I’ll pass Sega another check for my digital fashion needs :(

[crasherfly]

First Take: Fire Emblem Engage Improves By Cutting the Chaff

If you’ve been a frequent reader of mine then you know by now that I spent a lot of time with Fire Emblem: Three Houses. 240 hours and even then, I still have a path left (technically...it’s really more a half path but still requires a full play to access it...blech). With so many hours at my back I feel qualified to pass a verdict on Three Houses that some might find controversial-

Fire Emblem: Three Houses was a good game that also excelled at wasting your time.

It was all the little things- the tea times, the fishing, the lost and found fetch quests, the sauna visits, the meal times, the inventory management, the social menu navigation and so forth. Seconds that turned into minutes that turned into hours spent away from what the series is allegedly about- forging thrilling stories on the field of battle. By the time I reached the story’s third branch, this time thievery had gone from minor annoyance to the bane of my existence. No matter how hard I tried to optimize my runs of Fire Emblem: 3 Houses, it always found ways to claw back my time, pressuring me to relinquish just a few more minutes in pursuit of yet another thing that wasn’t battle. I don’t think I’ve ever resented a very good game as much as I have 3 Houses.

So when Fire Emblem Engaged was announced I had a hard time summoning any excitement over the news. Every trailer shown looked to be a continuation of 3 Houses, from the bright, clean 3D to the off-mission hub world and the minigames. Did I really want yet another 100+ hour experience that was maybe half of what I enjoyed about Fire Emblem? Did I really want to invest my time in a game that felt more like a chore than an escape?

But...I’ve also been playing this series since the GBA...so it wasn’t as if I was simply going to skip the latest entry when it’s sitting right there. And as news trickled in of intriguing changes from 3 Houses, I found myself perking up again.

I’m now 6 chapters into Fire Emblem Engage with roughly the same number of hours under my belt. It’s early- very, very early- but I have thoughts!

And folks...they’re mostly positive!

The Good

The Somniel

Let’s get this out of the way- I hated the monastery in 3 Houses with an absolute passion. It was unnecessarily large, visually garish and an absolute pain to navigate. Everyone had way, way too much to say and the Switch chugged to load you into areas, making fast travel barely any better than running.

Much of this has been fixed with the Somniel. It’s still too big by my estimates, but its design is at least a bit more centralized. It runs smoother and is more pleasant to navigate. To date there’s just a couple of areas you have to go through load screens to enter. Fast travel is seamless. And there’s no obligation to talk to every single person. 

And most importantly- you can visit it at any time and there’s very little structure in how your time is spent. The days of feeling pressured into spending action points and structuring your calendars are gone. Thank god.

It brings to mind the castle from Fire Emblem: Fates, which served as a similar type of hub with merchants, companions and activities. It was something you could spend time on, but it wouldn’t break the story if you avoided it. The Somniel appears to serve a similar function so far (even complete with a guardian pet to raise). It’s a huge improvement to the bloated obligations of 3 Houses’ massive monastery.

The Protagonist Speaks

Look, I love silent protagonists. Adore them. There are precious few games that are better for having their protagonists speak the players’ minds for them. But...historically, Fire Emblem has never been one of them. Even characters that the players have some degree of control over, such as Robin and Corrin, still had voices and personalities that made an impression.

Byleth of 3 Houses had...nothing. Literally nothing. They were a blank slate. They were possibly the least interesting character to ever hit the Fire Emblem series. While many silent protagonists are such so as to allow the play to project their own emotional reactions on a story, Byleth rarely felt like anything other than unfinished, an occasionally gesticulating, dead eyed dweeb in a crappy robe with a hilariously stilted dialogue tree.

Alear has yet to capture my interest in the same was as, say, Corrin from Fates. But at least Alear has a personality and a sense of performance tied to them. There’s something to grab onto. It isn’t the deepest portrayal to date in Fire Emblem, but it is more than nothing- so that marks an improvement.

The Battles are Hard- And There’s Plenty of Them

Within the first hour of Fire Emblem Engage you are thrust into multiple battles. There’s no minigames, no wandering hubs, no growing social ranks- just fighting. You spend time doing exactly what most fans presumably would expect to be doing in a turn-based strategy game- playing out battle scenarios. 

The pace was so brisk, in fact, that I found myself surprised to be reminded of Triangle Strategy, my favorite game of 2022 which was also remarkably committed to keeping its players on the battlefield. 

I chose Hard difficulty and opted for Casual- I usually save the “Hardcore” mode for later plays after I’ve experienced the story. It’s a good thing I did, because folks- Hard mode is in fact quite challenging. Had I not opted for Casual, I’d likely be down a number of soldiers already. I’ve taken losses in every battle- sometimes due to my own error, sometimes due to a surprisingly vicious AI (another favorable Triangle Strategy comparison!). And the enemies aren’t just smart- they are durable (at least in Hard mode). Whereas in 3 Houses it was extremely easy to one shot everything, such quick kills in Engage are reserved only for the most advantageous matchups. 

Added to this layer are the new Weapon Break and Engage systems, which add a new layer to the strategy- for both sides of the battle. With Weapon Break, you can now utilize the weapon triangle to maximum advantage, with a sword attack against an ax user running the chance of breaking their ability to retaliate the remainder of the turn, which opens up new options for more vulnerable units. 

So far, the early meta of Engage seems to favor magic and heavy armor, but I’m looking forward to seeing what additional classes add to the mix. 

If the trend continues, Engage could be the most satisfying strategy entry in the series since Fire Emblem: Fates Conquest.

Weapon Durability Is Gone

Do I really need to say more? You buy a sword- and it’s yours for good. No more piling up 3/30 Swords that you can never use, no more battles going awry because you forgot to pack an extra javelin. Tomes no longer have a use counter either.

Wands sadly still have a use limit, which I admit I don’t understand, but its a small concession made compared to the amount of time saved.

What’s more, Engage also brings an option to optimize your entire inventory automatically, fixing your characters’ inventories so that they always carry the best equipment they are qualified to use. I’ve tried it a couple of times and after quick reviews I was surprised to find I had no complaints with how the game fixed up my inventory. Same as well for the ring assignment, another inventory item that could have been a chore but becomes much less stressful thanks to the optimize option.

Socialization Is Reliant On Combat- As It Should Be

This is not intended as disrespect toward folks who love the social/visual novel aspect of Fire Emblem. I love that side of the series as much as anyone. Getting to know the characters in Fates and Awakening- and pairing them off- was a blast. I even kept Excel sheets so I could best optimize my pairings. I’ve even RANKED the characters of multiple games in a few long blog posts.

But socialization should be the reward for actual gameplay. Those hard-fought battles- and how units find synergy with one another during them- should be a major component in how they come together off the field. Social ranks should be the reward for finding success in...actually playing the game.

Early on, Engage seems to understand this. While the Somniel does have some limited activities that offer social rewards, it’s nowhere near the bloated mess of activities that plagued 3 Houses. While there’s plenty of time for that to change, I for one am relieved to report that the days of watching the same dinner cinematic 6 times in a row appear to be behind us.

There Are No Immediate Stupidly Final Decisions

No, you do not have to choose a House or a Royal Family or a Faction to side with 10 minutes into the game. The story is the story- we are all gonna experience the same path together and we won’t be forced into a ridiculous branching path that only exists to ensure we play the game 3 times over just to fill in the story. Fucking thank goodness.

The Bad

Alright, it can’t all be good, right? Right. It’s Fire Emblem- so there’s always gonna be some parts of it that are a big ol’ mixed bag. So lets talk about them.

There Are Still Crappy Minigames 

I can’t fathom who thought it would be fun to polish rings between missions as a way to increase your Emblem Ranks...but that’s what you have to do.

And I’d like to huck some rotten fruit at whoever came up with the fitness minigames. Thankfully, you’re only obligated to do them once between missions, but the ones I’ve tried have been very, very tedious. 

The Arena, while a good idea in concept, appears to be reliant on RNG- or is just incredibly meanspirited. I chose my lower level mage in hopes of scoring some easy xp, only to have the Arena choose to have him face my one unit who is a direct counter to mages. Similarly, when I did Emblem training, my Emblem spirits wiped the floor with my regular units. Everyone took an L, and with limited Arena uses between missions there isn’t much recourse if you have bad luck.

Pets are also here and they suck. It takes too long to watch a half-assed animation of Alear placing his hand near an animal only to have it literally fart out some currency. When you feed the pets, Engage can’t even be bothered to show the food they’re eating. Even Pokemon manages that! The game constantly encourages you to upgrade your alliances so you can get MORE pets and I’ve never felt less compelled to do so.

Time Rewind Is Back

I get that this is kinda inevitable since almost every TBS anymore has some kind of rewind, but I still don’t like its inclusion in Fire Emblem. I think it should at least be optional or exclusively tied to Casual Mode.

I’m not gonna be some old school grouch who tells you that the old days were better. That would be silly. I remember the frustration of losing characters and having to restart battles back in the GBA and Gamecube days. It was horrible! I hated it! I’m still haunted by the characters I lost in the challenge towers on GBA. I was one of the first to cheer for the opt-out from perma-death characters.

But I also think that Fire Emblem is, strategically, a more forgiving series than it once was. And the inclusion of Casual Mode is enough of a compromise as it is. Giving the player ten rewinds a battle makes even Hardcore Mode essentially casual.

Of course, the option always exists to simply not use it- and thus far, I think I’ve only used it twice in 5 battles or so. But I do believe that rewind- even if unused- still contributes to a loss of tension in battles. When no choice is final, it’s a bit harder to invest.

I think a compromise could be found in approaching mission failure in the same way that Triangle Strategy does- where you are forced to restart the mission but retain gained XP and regenerate expended items, rather than making missions a pass-fail all or nothing gambit. Make learning the scenario a process rather than giving players an undo button.

But, again, this gripe feels minor when the rewind mostly just exists as an invitation, rather than an obligation. And if that’s what some players need to help them feel less overwhelmed by a TBS game, then more power to them.

The Aesthetics 

What follows is entirely subjective. I’m my own person with my own tastes, so it’s entirely possible, if not likely, that what sells immersion for me in a game is opposite from what works for you. That’s fine!

I think Fire Emblem Engage’s current aesthetic is plastic as hell. I’d call it “V-Tuber-esque”, but first off, I enjoy V-Tubers and don’t want to imply that as a negative, and second, I know a number of V-Tubers who have rigged models that look better than the character models that appear in Engage.

This is made worse by the fact that the EN voice cast is about as syrupy sweet as it gets in their performances. For veterans of dubbed anime, this will likely be water under the bridge- many of the actors come straight from the Funimation/Crunchyroll talent stables and provide the exact performances you’d expect.

But for those of us who were hoping for something more...uh, not like that- lord it’s a lot. It makes 3 Houses feel downright grounded in some ways. Luckily, we have the option these days to turn on the JP voices, which are cartoonish in their own ways- but at least it’s a bit easier on  the ears. Of course, then you have to contend with the localization issues, which are legion- this is Fire Emblem, after all, and even a cursory knowledge of Japanese is enough to tell you that what the characters are saying sure as hell does not match up with what’s in the subs.

It’s hard not to compare this to games like Triangle Strategy with its gorgeous 2.5D and hand drawn portraits- or to pine for the melding of styles found in games like Awakening or Echoes. Engage, meanwhile, is locked into a style that falls somewhere between a V-Tuber’s weekly schedule background and Genshin Impact, with bright colors and 3D models that feel more at home in a mobile gacha game than in a AAA strategy game. 

Where the Jury Is Still Out... 

The Story

Much has been made of Engage’s story being bad. I’ve read everything from “boring” to “worst in series”.

I can’t say one way or the other. What I’ve played so far feels very, very similar to Fates in terms of events. Compared to 3 Houses, however, the story feels downright cohesive- aided by the fact that there’s just one path to follow. Bless the folks who pushed for that (in and of itself, the single story path qualifies as a major positive).

All I’ll say is this- if you’re worried about the story quality, try and recount a Fire Emblem- any Fire Emblem- and see how ridiculous you sound by the end of your retelling. Can ANYONE tell us what 3 Houses was actually about? How many people played all 3 paths of Fates? And Awakening was kinda fucked in its own special ways..

I’m just saying...I don’t think many folks show up for the main story of Fire Emblem. And even if they did- you should still just decide for yourself. We really don’t need to make a prevailing opinion out of the perspectives of 3 or 4 people paid to write about video games.

The Expansion Pass

The Expansion Pass is $30 with Day 1 content, which feels predatory in and of itself. Furthermore, much of its content is locked well into 2023 and beyond. While committed players like myself can count on likely playing Engage at least twice over, it’s likely most players won’t.

How useful the Expansion Pass content actually is will be another matter. I have yet to complete the paralogues that give me access to the Day 1 content. But a brief glance at the list of expected content signals to me that this doesn’t appear to be anywhere nearly as substantial as Ashen Wolves was for 3 Houses- at least not yet.

My Verdict?

Roughly six hours in, Fire Emblem: Engage seems to have learned lessons from 3 Houses’ most infuriating tendencies and also seems more eager to respect your time. You can sit down with Engage and make decent progress in an hour. It will challenge you and strive to not keep you off the battlefield any longer than necessary.

If you’re looking for a game to play, rather than a pit to throw your time way in- Engage appears to be a safe bet in the early hours. There’s a lot to like despite a few expected eyeroll moments. 

You can be sure I’ll be back with more on Engage as I approach its mid and end game. 

[crasherfly]

Pentiment is the Perfect Story of 2022, But It May Take Years Before We Know It

“This game should never have been made.”

It’s a recurring thought I have as I play the recent Game Pass release from Obsidian. Pentiment is a gem- an experience that rewards a very specific audience who will benefit immensely from having some prior knowledge of history and religion. But for all the special cares this intimate storytelling game takes, its high bar of entry is likely to leave many players out in the cold. Pentiment is a passion project through and through, a revelation for those seeking out the experience of an interactive Ingmar Bergman film, and complete nonsense to those who shirk long dialogue sequences or crave high octane in their gaming experiences.

 While you could kindly call the experience a roleplaying game, it is more accurately described as a visual novel in both presentation and gameplay. Some have accused it of lacking any gameplay whatsoever, and I can’t begrudge that opinion. Indeed, there is very little here in the sense of traditional objective based gameplay. Where other mystery narratives like Danganronpa at least included minigames to provide at least the pretense of gameplay, Pentiment can hardly be bothered. As such, you spend a great deal of your time scrolling through dialogue and clicking through arbitrary moments of interaction, such as choosing what order to eat your food at a meal. Especially in its very slow opening, Pentiment can court boredom from even staunch visual novel enthusiasts.

If you’re a bit confused by now as to my stance on Pentiment’s excellence- I’ll come out and just say that I believe Pentiment is one of 2022′s best experiences. It’s certainly one of the best written things I’ve had the pleasure of working through since Disco Elysium. But folks walking into this game ought to know a thing or two about just what it is, as the advertising and distinct art style do little to clarify, and as a result, I’ve heard tell of several folks who have both recognized Pentiment’s potential for brilliance and yet have (understandably) bounced completely off its workmanlike opening chapters.

So what’s Pentiment all about then?

You take on the role of Andreas, an artist in pursuit of his masterpiece. Stationed within an abbey in the Bavarian town of Tassing, the events of Pentiment take place during the early years of the Reformation, a tumultuous era of political and religious upheaval. 

In the initial phases of the game you will have the opportunity to dictate your past learning and training which will affect your dialogue and story choices moving forward. Some mysteries will come easily to you- for instance, if you chose a past learning that includes fluency in Latin, a book you find could be easily read by you where it might be unreadable to other players who chose differently. Other dialogue choices might be closed to you entirely- if you know nothing of witchcraft or Roman holidays, it only makes sense your character couldn’t comment on them. 

At one point, a farmer you speak with notes that a town is made up of secrets kept for convenience- because bringing the truth about would be a far more painful experience than simply letting things be. Pentiment drives this point home time and time again, begging the player to practice discretion, rewarding careful dialogue exploration with new nuggets of information. As a former college theatre student, it reminded me of the ins and outs of a well-made play of the likes of Eugene O’Neill or Henrik Ibsen. You slowly get to know the town’s many characters- their likes and dislikes, their associates- and their potential for participation in some of the town’s darkest hidden acts.

Your choices hold the most meaning when you are finally tasked with solving a murder in town. Pentiment’s first act provides you with a daunting challenge- you must get to know an entire town while also managing your time. You are provided with a bevy of investigative choices and limited time to act on them. Early on you realize two things- talking to everyone is essential, and the investigative path you follow will often be the one of convenience, rather than the true path of conscience. 

The conclusion of your investigation is where Pentiment truly shines. You are warned several times that presenting multiple theories to the local magistrate could hold consequences for everyone, murder conviction or not. I chose to ignore the warnings and presented several options to the magistrate, none of them especially well formed as my first investigation was incredibly scatterbrained. The magistrate chose the presented theory that had the most backing evidence- but that did not spare others from punishment. From administrative punishments to social shunning, the other people I named suffered later on in the story- and held that against me. 

While I presumably caught the murderer, Pentiment’s genius stroke is in never congratulating me with a proper confirmed verdict as other courtroom sagas like Phoenix Wright might. There’s never a rain of confetti or a moment where someone out and out confesses to a crime. In Pentiment, justice is doled out based on the best available information- and how conveniently it can be pieced together to tell a damning story of the accused. As such, each act of Pentiment felt less like a crime procedural and more like a human sacrifice. Who would be given up next- and for what reason? It was this ambiguity that hooked me and drove me to play Pentiment to its conclusion- and I dare say I’ll likely play it at least once more before long.

But who is Pentiment for?

I found Pentiment to be the perfect culmination of many things I spent my youth deeply soaked in- Reformation history (I grew up in a Lutheran school), Christian theology (I spent more time in a Christian college talking about such things than I’d like to admit), Roman and Pagan myths and classic stageplays, all of which come together to create a visual novel that defies expectations simply because I can’t imagine there being an audience for this beyond the niche.

The game’s director has admitted that Pentiment is a passion project. As a former artist, myself, I can relate to the sentiment behind creating something that you care deeply about while knowing it might not be for everyone. As such, I imagine it will be a few years before Pentiment catches fire and gets the mainstream recognition it deserves. But I do believe it will happen eventually. 

Despite the heady conversations on God, church law, the writings of Martin Luther and many other things that an audience is unlikely to have prior exposure to, there are enough common ground moments to serve as footholds. Themes such as class struggle, gender equality, secularism, sexuality and openness (the story refreshingly does not pretend gay people simply did not exist in the Reformation) and civil unrest (there is a jarring sequence that takes place after a riot where various villagers argue over the truth of the revolt, with one villager solemnly stating “one thing is certain- it happened- and we must not forget that it did”- sound familiar to anyone??) will remain relevant for years to come, and someday folks may just come to the conclusion that Pentiment was the perfect story for 2022, even if many of us didn’t quite realize it at the time.

[crasherfly]

Modern Warfare 2's Campaign Is Unremarkable

No Russian was the least interesting part of the original Modern Warfare 2.

Everyone involved with the current iteration of Modern Warfare 2 seems to have forgotten this despite promising no such mission would make its appearance. Setting aside political oddities and questions of taste, the now infamous mission essentially took place on a rail- whether you participated or not an airport got shot up and your character was disposed of in the end, the first of several shocking twists throughout the story.

2022's Modern Warfare 2 may not have a simulation of a mass shooting but its obsession with placing the player on the rails makes the latest Call of Duty entry feel less like itself and more like the least forgiving Time Crisis you could dream up.

Put less kindly- the campaign is a haunted house where pop up encounters must be memorized and death comes often. The design is such a step backward that it even features a final boss battle with a literal tank, an encounter you'd expect to find in an early 2000s shooter rather than 2022's latest military sim.

It's a shame because the actual gameplay of Call of Duty- the shooting- has never been tighter. Your character has more weight than ever, each gun feels unique and satisfaction of problem solving environments and enemy waves can still be found- when the game isn't too busy demanding you adhere to poorly choreographed stealth sequences, inexplicable swimming physics or even- god help us all- literal platforming.

Gone are the massive battlefields of prior entries, the campaign instead opting for tight spaces with many missions requiring you to breach and clear spaces which hold cleverly placed enemies waiting to kill you from off screen. Gone are the heavy firefights that will sustain themselves with or without your progression, chucked in favor of a finite number of placed enemies that you must dispatch to the last should you hope to proceed. In rejecting the chaos that made prior entries feel so lifelike, this most recent Modern Warfare feels more tactical, clinical, and, well...boring.

It's hard not to compare this game to the wonder of its 2009 counterpart. So far as stories go, 2009's Modern Warfare 2 didn't even try for plausibility, opting for a balls-to-the-wall plot about a rogue American general forcing a war between American and Russia. Nukes were fired. Cities destroyed. American soil invaded. And more than a few shocking betrayals before all was said and done. At its best, the Modern Warfare series was more interested in bombastic stories that wouldn't be out of place in a Michael Bay film while also putting on a military technology show that would make Tom Clancy blush.

2022's Modern Warfare 2 desperately wants to be plausible. And that's fine! 2019's Modern Warfare had a mission that deliberately aped the Benghazi embassy attack and it was an instant classic. But what the 2019 prequel understood was that it wasn't enough to simply show shocking cinematics or well rendered interiors- you also needed to make the experience fun. Defending the embassy from an entire city was a blast. 2022's Modern Warfare 2 fails to reach such heights- I'd even argue that it couldn't be bothered to try.

It's really quite a shame. For all the noise the content of this campaign is likely to generate- from its odd portrayals of Mexican cartel violence to its haphazard preaching about the dangers of PMCs to its remarkable ability to score yet another Press F moment for the franchise (in which you are directed to "DE-ESCALATE" a situation by pointing a gun at a civilian)- it's really not in service of much. For all the moral warts of past COD stories you could always circle back and say "yeah but that mission was really, really fun". No such defense can be found here.

This would be easier to swallow if the price tag of the experience didn't range from $70-$100, but alas, it does, so what you're essentially paying for is access to multiplayer ahead of the release of Warzone 2.

The rewards for completing the campaign are minimal and seem to pale in comparison with the prior entry. And if you're interested in suffering through it at a higher difficulty level...all I can ask is "why?". There doesn't seem to be a real reward for doing so- in fact, I turned the difficulty down to Recruit at several points simply so I could be done with it.

Normally, I wouldn't bother wasting a take on what is essentially a training mode for a game's much more popular multiplayer component, but I frankly expected better. COD has always delivered a memorable single player experience- or at least has tried to. It's unfortunate that this feels mailed in. Lets hope that isn't the case the next time around.

Let's hope that the next campaign lets you off the rails a bit more.

[crasherfly]

Overwatch 2 Is Just Bad Right Now

We all said farewell to Overwatch a few weeks back with the understanding that whatever might lie ahead of us, there was no going back.

You have to wonder now how many people might have retreated to the prior entry in the series had the servers stayed online. We’ll never know, however, because like it or not we are stuck with the mess that is Overwatch 2- and what a mess it is.

I’ve spent roughly 15 hours with Blizzard’s new hero shooter, splitting my time between the open queue and the role queue with a little time spent on Arcade. The much publicized changes- the new 5v5 format, the major hero tweaks to characters like Orisa and Mei- are expected and for the most part easy enough to swallow. But it’s the smaller changes that we are only just now noticing that betray an entry that at best just wasn’t ready to launch and at worst the product of a highly dysfunctional environment.

Setting aside the obvious server and connectivity struggles, Overwatch 2 is in a rough place. Bastion has already been pulled despite Blizzard having years to figure out what to do with the mobile bullet tube. The 5v5 experience- I wish I could call it an experiment, but this is life now- is faster, deadlier and much harder to sustain momentum in. Blizzard still hasn’t budged on granting aim assist to console players who want to partner up with their PC playing counterparts, despite every other big name shooter having found a compromise on the subject (can’t they just like, walk across the street and steal some ideas from the Call of Duty guys???). New players without the right cellphone plan are out of luck- and even if they could play, they’d be greeted with the most nonsensical slow-drip hero rollout this side of Smash Bros. Ultimate. And the battlepass can justifiably be called a grift, its progress pitifully slow with the promise of future heroes being gated at a ridiculously high level.

Issues like the battlepass wouldn’t be much to sweat over if Overwatch 2 could be bothered with giving you incentives to play more than just a couple of matches at a time, but at every turn the post-match UI seems bent toward making that prospect as uninviting as possible. Gone are the achievement votes and post-match stat screens where you can review your basic stats- they’re now buried in your Career Profile. Whether by bug or design the queue often does not load you straight into the next match, forcing you to hop back in line if you want to play more (my experience was on PS5/Series X, it is possible PC players are having an easier time). Indeed, all Overwatch 2 is interested in telling you about your post-game experience is how depressingly little progress you made on its battlepass. A good state game can still make a player feel decent even after a tough loss, but with no time to reflect in the post-game, losing players or left to stare at the sad little BP meter and wonder why they even bothered.

The laundry list of tiny issues that collectively could fill an ocean’s worth of complains continue, from the inexplicably designed stat screen during the match to to nearly unreadable tiny numbers and visual indicators associated with several hero’s powers. Say what you will for the original Overwatch, but it was a masterpiece in intuitive gaming- in its visuals and sound there was rarely a moment where the direction felt unclear. Somewhere along the way Overwatch 2 chucked those lessons out the window in favor for what seems to be change for the sake of change.

But despite the fact that Overwatch 2 has failed where even games like Splatoon 3 have been wise enough to know not to falter (if it aint broke, don’t fix it!) it still has a gameplay loop and sense of strategy (albeit diminished) that every other shooter lacks. On its own this will be enough to keep most people- probably even myself- logging in at least occasionally during the first season. But with faltering design decisions, an infuriating new meta (you’re going to die a lot, especially if you’re a support) and fewer reasons than ever for a new player to try it out, it’s reasonable to ask just what, short of a total overhaul, Overwatch 2 could do to improve its future outlook.

And if an overhaul really is necessary (it sure seems like it is!) then it might be fair to say it- Overwatch 2 isn’t simply a step down from the original- it’s just bad. But for the sake of fans everywhere, lets hope it doesn’t stay that way for long.

[crasherfly]

I Know How It Looks

People mean well.

“But you’re not obese”

“You’re so athletic!”

“You work out every day, don’t you?”

“You barely even drink anymore though...”

These are the common responses I get when I’ve told folks I’m going into nutritional therapy.

I can’t blame them. Even my GP wasn’t very helpful when I asked about it. She just said “you’re 20 pounds lighter than you were 5 years ago, just live reasonably and you’ll be fine”.

Ok, but my guts hurt every day, I have no impulse control, I eat takeout 4-5 nights a week, I don’t really know how to cook or shop for myself beyond frozen foods, and I punish myself in the gym 6 days a week to the point of injury to try and undo the damage of my terrible diet. Then I just binge eat when I get home and undo all that work.

But people don’t see that. They just see a guy of “average” size, whatever that means. They don’t see a childhood that failed to teach me restraint or informed my habit of eating as fast as possible during meals to race to that next portion while it was still there. They don’t see the chronic pain, dizziness and anxiety that accompany most meals and turn a visit to a restaurant visit into a crucible. They don’t see a palate that struggles mightily with texture- to the point that certain types of food make me feel physical ill for no good reason. They don’t see the worsening side-effects of sleep apnea.

I had an epiphany last week. I woke up in pain- like, whole body pain. I had worked out hard the day before- 45 minutes of yoga, a mile sprint, and full complex free weight workout. I woke up gasping for air in the middle of the night (yet another apnea attack), which only made matters worse. Looking back, it was likely the ice cream I had at 10 PM, which I impulse ate because I was feeling faint from what I assume was a drop in blood sugar, which was likely brought on by a calorie deficiency from being my age and working out way too hard on too regular a basis.

Sitting in my bed that morning I realized I had a problem- not just with food, but with my entire lifestyle. And I could either keep doing what I’m doing until my body’s joints and bones wear out and age inevitably decreases my sleep quality to the point that a machine or surgery is necessary, or I could get help. I could learn more about why I am the way I am, why I reach for the foods I do, why my body does the things it does when I eat and drink, and how my childhood and early adulthood contributed to my lifestyle choices now.

So that’s what I’m doing. People often get emotional or behavioral therapy without blinking an eye. So I’m going after nutritional therapy in the same spirit.

It doesn’t matter how I look.

It doesn’t matter if you think a nutritionist is a luxury.

What matters is I haven’t felt well in my body for years and that I’m running out of road to hide that.

So I’m not going to try and hide it anymore. I’m going to get some help, structure and accountability. 

And hopefully, some peace of body and mind.

[crasherfly]

7-20-22- A Mental Health Check-In and Tribute to Chester

I’ve thought a lot about what I’d write for July 20th. 

In one draft I have a list of all the positive gains I’ve made. In another draft I have a long confession of all the ways I feel I’ve regressed. In yet another draft I list out all of my phantom symptoms, physical and emotional. In every draft I felt like I missed the point.

July 20th is the anniversary Chester Bennington’s death. The lead singer of Linkin Park died by his own hand in 2017. Since then, July 20th has served as a day of reflection- both on his music and of my own mental health.

Things have been mostly good since my last check-in with y’all. Not perfect, but also not as dire as they were in 2020 or even 2021. I have a little more trauma but a little less daily stress. While my life circumstances still aren’t exactly what I’d pick if given the choice, they’re good enough and better than the circumstances most folks are slapped with. It would be unreasonable to complain.

I’ve settled on offering a few brief takeaways from my past year. Maybe you’ll find them compelling. Perhaps they’ll seem obvious. Regardless, it’s reflective of where I’m at.

What you do for a living really matters.

I got a new job this past year. It’s not a perfect job but it is one where I have more free time, less oversight and some degree of say in my schedule. It is also work that does not harm anyone.

I could go through a laundry list of positives suffice to say I did not anticipate how many negative behaviors of mine would just...disappear on their own when not fueled by the toxic rot of a harmful workplace. 

I don’t drink much anymore and nothing’s changed.

One thing I do a lot less of now is drink. Aside from social events I hardly ever have alcohol. I started the pandemic drinking 3 tallboys a night. Last night I had a can of sake for the first time in 7 months and I couldn’t finish half of it. My appetite for it is simply gone. I don’t know why. I suspect it has to do with my job change.

What surprised me most is that this change hasn’t been transformative. I’m still the same weight as I was 7 months ago. My mile time is the same. My moods are unchanged. My attention span, productivity and numerous other intangibles are about what they always were. 

I had always blamed many of my negatives on alcohol. If only I could quit or at least cut back then maybe nature would just heal itself. Turns out that isn’t true. Don’t get me wrong, I probably am healthier in ways I don’t understand, but it turns out many of life’s problems can’t be solved simply by cutting something else out.

Therapy didn’t change my life. So I fired my therapist. It was a good move.

My therapist didn’t challenge me. It didn’t help that I didn’t trust her in the first place- she had a very non-traditional view of mental health. She believed horseback riding and deprivation chambers were more effective than pills and journaling. Sometimes this was a positive- I do feel better since I started taking the magnesium supplements she recommended. But often it was weird and judgmental- being urged not to take a Covid vaccination or trust our drinking water. I usually avoided subjects that threatened to be divisive, especially medical ones. For her part, she never took notes, often forgot key details of my life circumstances and never had an agenda for the session or homework for me to work on. That’s a bad place to be with your therapist.

By the end we were both canceling on each other. I had run out of things to talk about with her and with my new job on the horizon I suspected that I soon be without my primary motivation for being therapy- my current, toxic job.

I fired her. It was hard. I didn’t do it directly- simply lied and said I was changing insurance and that I’d seek her assistance in the future if I needed it. It was a kind letdown, but a letdown nonetheless.

We all have that friend who talks about therapy in a hushed, sanctimonious tone. “Everyone should get therapy” is the common refrain. What people leave out is that bad therapists abound, lazy therapists are even more common and finding the right therapist is damn hard.

Therapy did not change my life. I didn’t transform into a brilliant new life form. I picked up some vocabulary and found a safe place to dump my anxieties so I could ease the burden on my friends and family. And that’s about it. Maybe my next therapist will be better. Or maybe I’ll feel more open to being honest and vulnerable (it does take two, after all, for therapy to be successful). We’ll see.

Find what you love and let it make you into the kindest version of yourself.

Millennials have heard (and probably curse) “find what you love and let it kill you”. I think we all know better about that now. Follow that advice and shit will burn you out fast.

Instead, I prefer to find the hobbies that make it easiest for me to be the person I wish I could be. Does this make me kinder, gentler, softer? Then this is what I want to invest my time in.

Maybe if we spend enough of our time pursuing those things we’ll eventually find we’ve become that kindest person by default.

Also, learn to love what you love even if you’re the only one in the room.

In this stage of the Covid world it’s easy enough to opt in to isolation depending on your job and means. One thing I’ve noticed with isolation is that we’ve all become a bit more niche than we were before 2020. Our interests have diverted to all sorts of places that they wouldn’t if we were constantly out in the world performing social normativity.

Sometimes that can leave you feeling pretty alien even amongst your own friends. It can even leave you feeling bitter- why am I the only one into this hobby/show/interest/etc? 

Getting comfortable with yourself is essential. If you’re drawn to something that isn’t hurting anyone else and you’re the only one? Dive into it. That’s what makes you unique and interesting. And when people ask about it speak boldly. Sure, your friends may not rush to enjoy that experience alongside you- but they may surprise you with their curiosity. You’ll never know if you keep that to yourself.

It’s never too late to apologize to your friends.

Don’t expect it to be received. No one is obligated to hear you or forgive you if you’ve fucked up. But one thing I’ve learned this year is that most people have an infinite capacity for kindness. Even a word of acknowledgment- a recognition of a time you let someone down, even if the moment was years ago- can mean the world.

My friends and I recently experienced a mass apology. I won’t go into details except to say it was spontaneous- all of us diving into moments from the past we’d been carrying and owning up to the hurt we caused. It was a beautiful thing. We were talking about things that happened ten years ago and yet it was still meaningful. A paradigm shifted when we each acknowledged what we could have done better.

That doesn’t mean things will be perfect from here on out. In fact, they very much aren’t. ‘Cuz we’re humans, and even friends can still hurt and be hurt, friends can hold anger and refuse to forgive. But time can and will heal all things, even when it doesn’t seem likely in the moment.

It’s more important to be kind than right.

Within reason, obviously. There are some moral imperatives you should probably not be silent about. But if you’re arguing about something that doesn’t have the wellbeing of the planet at heart- ya know, like your favorite video game or tv show or music- you can speak to your own experience without cutting someone else down. 

And if you disagree- like, viscerally disagree? You can always just...not reply. An overwhelming number of things vying for our attention are not in need of ardent defenders. It is almost always healthier- emotionally and physically- to log off.

Some last thoughts...

Every year for this post I talk a bit about a Linkin Park album. This year my focus happened to fall on Minutes to Midnight. Two tracks in particular caught my attention- Leave Out All The Rest and Shadows Of The Day.

Leave Out All The Rest is a quiet little track with front vocals by Chester Bennington. It focuses on the subject of one’s legacy. It’s a chilling directive  from Bennington, especially given what we know. The chorus in particular hits different now.

When my time comes, Forget the wrong that I’ve done, Help me leave behind some Reasons to be missed. And when you’re feeling empty Leave me in your memory. Leave out all the rest.

Talk about calling your own shot. This track gets overlooked when people consider other tracks like One More Light. It’s understandable but unfortunate- I can’t think of another track that is as direct as this regarding Chester’s thoughts on his legacy- something he was thinking about years ahead of his own death.

Shadow Of The Day has also been heavy on my heart since I listened to the track with another person a couple weeks back. As we watched the music video together they became quite quiet. 

“When did he write this song?”

“Probably around...2006? Album dropped in 07.”

“That’s so sad.”

“Why?”

“He wrote this song- he told his audience exactly how he felt- that goodbye was the only way. And no one listened to him. He must have felt that way the day he died, too.”

I never thought about Shadow Of The Day that way before. Of course, it’s a sad song.

I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way. And the sun will set for you. The sun will set for you. And the shadows of the day embrace the world in gray. And the sun will set for you.

What makes Chester Bennington’s songs so meaningful and enduring is how confidential they feel. The feelings the writer confesses here would be enough to get a suicide watch ordered by your general practitioner. Yet how often was this content laughed off by people who didn’t take it seriously? How often was this music shunned as performative?

In a dark way, what we know now about the end of Chester’s life now makes tracks like Shadow Of The Day even more impactful. I wonder if he knew that. I personally doubt he could have. In his darkest moments I have to think he must have bought in to the cruelest assessments of his work, musically. No one who truly believed their work was so important or enduring would choose to leave us otherwise. But then, I don’t have the whole picture. It’s doubtful any of us do or ever will. Regardless of his final state of mind, all that is clear is that leaving must have felt like the only option. It’s possible- likely even- that music was the last thing on his mind. He must have felt like goodbye was the only way.

What’s important in 2022 is that people still remember the music. It endures. It touches us. And while the sun did indeed set for us, it will also rise- a point that that the seemingly neglects to note in its fixation on endings. But it is nonetheless true. 

The sun will set for you.

It will also rise for you.

RIP Chester. We miss you so much.

[crasherfly]

Danganronpa V3 Ending Gut Reaction

SPOILERS TO FOLLOW

You’ve been warned.

I get the same reaction every time I tell someone I’m playing Danganronpa. It’s usually a mix of excitement, smarm and a little bit of pity. Often it is followed by a directive: “let me know what you think of that when you get to the end”. Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony is no different.

In this case, I was told by several folks that the ending would throw me for a loop. Due to my own blundering I was low-key spoiled on the ending while searching a character gift guide, but even so, I didn’t know how they’d pull off the spoiler, so I was still unsuspecting when the ending of Killing Harmony went as hard as it did.

The experience itself was, for lack of a better word, a trial. The final chapter of V3 lasts several hours. There are gameplay elements but they serve as dressing for what is a larger conversation on philosophy and fiction. The audience is an afterthought- or at least, our expectations almost certainly were.

It’s no secret that writer Kazutaka Kodaka’s first allegiance is to his fiction. Fandom has always been an afterthought. Not in a cruel way- Kodaka is certainly grateful that his work is enthusiastically received- but in a way that most writers can only dream of. Kodaka’s writing reeks of an unfettered optimism- that as a writer he has the right to pursue his fictions to the end that fits the writer’s aim, and not the expectations of a fandom or marketing team. In reading interviews with Danganronpa’s writer, it’s easy to find several instances on the record of the writer confirming this. Just search “Kazutaka Kodaka V3 Ending” and you’ll find article after article of the creator talking about how proud he is of the way he finished his tenure with Danganronpa.

In that regard I can’t help but respect V3′s ending- an incredible, ridiculous, shaky at best turning of the entire series’ events. It is the kind of bomb that no self-respecting marketing department in America would ever allow. Ask your average Star Wars or Marvel fan when they expect their franchise will end and they will look at you with hollow eyes. For Danganronpa fans there can be little doubt- for better or for worse this series appears to be over.

Or is it? The afterward leaves some small doubt. Whether that’s an appeasement to those of us who are very attached the characters we have come to know or a legitimate attempt to leave us with one last mystery is up for debate.

I’ll admit in the moment I hated every last moment of the V3′s final chapter. I felt like I was being shit on by the writer the entire time. I felt stupid. I felt undermined. And yes, I felt some small amount of despair. I almost tweeted “never have I seen a story punt its good will so quickly so close to the finish line” but I refrained. I felt a STRONG negative reaction to the turn- the reveal that the entire world of Danganronpa was a Truman Show-esque reality series. I felt angry that the game was preaching at me that I should have known better than to get attached to fictional events and characters. And I felt pretty stupid that I had ignored the fact that the game had essentially promised this ending to me at every turn.

That’s the genius of Danganronpa, and it’s cruelty. It tells you exactly what it is going to do and then it does it. You often don’t believe it- who killed someone, how it was pulled off, or, heck, even that someone who died before your eyes is really dead- but then the writing unflinchingly tears down those defenses until you have no choice but to confront the truth- that yes, you can in fact trust your own eyes and ears. 

At its best interpretation, Danganronpa is a fiction that is willing to tear itself apart to get at the audience. It goes after your sympathies, your assumptions and your expectations with dogged determination. 

You might think I’m being precious about this, but really I’m just parroting the game itself. Kodaka himself has admitted that V3′s final trial comes more from his heart than his characters, and his philosophy on fiction being a necessary lie frames his own view on writing. It’s a compelling idea- that it’s okay to lie, okay to pull the rug from your audience and spit on their expectations- as long as you earn a truthful response or spur an honest change. It’s also terrible convenient for a story that to that point was a bit of a mess. 

So which way do I take it? Convenience or significance? I’m still not sure. But I think regardless of how the ending’s events are interpreted there is an important thought regarding Kodaka’s idea of fiction vs truth. At the end, V3′s protagonist argues that an experience backed by a lie is still a truthful experience. Which is to say that even if the developments of V3′s final trial undermine the entirety of Danganronpa, it doesn’t change the fact that V2 is still one of the best stories I’ve ever read, or that V1 was a revolution in the visual novel medium. 

It’s notable that the game ends with the characters electing not to vote for either hope or despair. The audience is faced with a similar choice- hope that everything the antagonist of the game has revealed is in fact just another lie- or despair that they were being truthful, and the entire world is facilitating these killing games for their own entertainment (how meta). If I had to take a literal directive- it would be “why not both?”. 

It’s likely we’ll never know the true answer of Danganronpa’s ending, unless it somehow gets retconned or revived in the distant future. But 12 hours later I feel more comfortable with saying the ending isn’t so important as the journey- as cliche as that might be. It can’t take away how earth shattering this series has been for me as a gamer and fellow writer.

[crasherfly]

5 Years Later, Linkin Park’s Best

We’re coming up on the 5 year anniversary of Chester Bennington’s death. Chester, best known as the front man for nu-metal band Linkin Park, was the defining voice of angst, anxiety and vulnerability during his run from 2000-2017 as lead singer. 

His suicide in 2017 was met with shock and hurt by his fans, many of whom had found comfort and companionship in his music. His aesthetic, defined by a naked vulnerability, was often misunderstood for crude simplicity or disingenuous attention-seeking. In retrospect, his preferred subjects were shockingly anti-masculine. He discussed addiction, mental health and social anxiety with a frankness that was antithetical to many other famous male performers. Where other famous acts at the time, such as Limp Bizkit, chose bravado and machismo, Bennington and Linkin Park pursued an affecting honesty that was often shamed. 

For many fans current or former, Bennington’s 2017 death was a rally cry for mental health. For me, personally, it was a call to return from the wilderness to reexamine the man’s music for new meaning. It was jarring to realize that Chester’s body of work had warned us about what was coming for 17 years, and yet his sudden death was still a surprise. This prompted a reexamination for me- as it did for many other fans- of how I viewed mental health- specifically in men- and how we discuss art that delves into the darker, uglier sides of it.

On July 20th I’ll release a longer piece discussing not just this, but my own mental health. The date now serves as more than just the mere anniversary of a celebrity’s death- it’s a checkpoint for me to consider my own mental health, as well as to reconnect with others- usually fellow LP fans, but also friends in general who are also in “the fight”.

But in the meantime I created a short Spotify list of what I consider to be the best tracks from each Linkin Park album. It’s a short listen, so even non-fans can give this the ol’ college try and maybe find a few tracks they’ll like. Even if you’ve never cared for the band I encourage you to to give this a shot. You might surprise yourself- or at least challenge your pre-conceived notions of Chester and the rest of LP.

Playlist Link

Crawling (Hybrid Theory, 2000)

Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real

Every time I try to write about the first time I heard Crawling I get a little emotional. It’s the kind of experience that can only be described as religious. There was simply nothing else on Earth that sounded like this at the time. It was an unholy screed of guitar and screeching vocals that stripped your soul bare. Hearing it, you had no choice but to react.

Some people, like me, adored it; it exposed a raw nerve that no other artist dared approach. Others absolutely loathed it- it was too much sound, too much emotion, too much of, well, everything. 

But for better or worse this would be the defining shorthand for Linkin Park. Strange stylistic flourishes. Chester’s barking, barely understood choruses. The unfettered angst and emotion. LP would get quieter in their later years, but their beginning was a scream that could not be ignored.

P5hng Me A*wy (Reanimation, 2002)

The sacrifice is never knowing Why I stay When you just push away No matter what you see You’re so blind to me

Reanimation is such a special album, featuring countless collaborations from smaller acts and rearrangements of major tracks that would grow to become even better known than the original songs. This remix of Hybrid Theory’s Pushing Me Away is one such example.

Where the original track felt almost workman-like with its overwrought lyrics and busy chorus, this second draft serves more like a distillation that captures the magic of songs like Crawling, transforming the chorus into a slower call and response.

The acoustic of this track would get a lot of play on their tours, frequently featuring Shinoda on piano as Chester sang. This more soulful rendition is also worth a listen if you’re curious.

Breaking the Habit (Meteora, 2003)

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don’t know why I instigate And say what I don’t mean I dont know how I got this way I know it’s not alright So, I’m breaking the habit tonight

Breaking the Habit isn’t the obvious first choice on Meteora- there are louder and bouncier tracks that bid for your attention. But the story of the song- how long Chester strove to write on addiction and how this track was the eventual product of his efforts makes it worthy of consideration as the album’s best and most thoughtful track.

The heady instrumental backing frames the piece as a cerebral battle for its singer as he works through the banality of his battle with an unnamed addiction and his resolution to break the cycle of his behavior. It is an honest and familiar narrative for any who’ve similarly struggled. 

This track would serve as a precursor for a quieter and more thoughtful iteration of Linkin Park.

Shadow of the Day (Minutes to Midnight, 2007)

The sun will set for you And the shadow of the day Will embrace the world in gray And the sun will set for you

When Shadow of the Day first dropped as a single many folks mistook the track’s quiet nature as proof that Chester’s voice was on the downturn. Notorious for his screaming bridges and shrieking choruses, it was startling to hear him drop a gentle ballad.

15 years later Shadows of the Day is remembered as one of Linkin Park’s best tracks. It has a groove and cadence to it that make it easy listening, while the lyrics imply a subtle melancholy that promises the passing of another day- and the acceptance that whatever happens, happens. 

The Messenger (A Thousand Suns, 2010)

When life leaves us blind Love keeps us kind It keeps us kind

This rare acoustic track positively soars in a way Linkin Park’s more polished work fails to. While rumbling guitars and scratchy turntables often obscured the artists behind a wall of style, here we have a simple guitar and piano to frame Chester’s raw voice.

Chester’s voice is unapologetic and emotional. It is not the pinpoint, laser focused pitch of Hybrid Theory or even Minutes to Midnight. It is rough, pitchy, and scratchy. It is aged. But when he unleashes into triumphant, wordless ascensions of pitch after the final chorus it is hard not to feel a lump in your throat.

Roads Untraveled (LIVING THINGS, 2012)

Weep not for roads untraveled Weep not for sights unseen May your love never end, and if you need a friend There’s a seat here alongside me

This track heavily features Mike Shinoda opposite of Chester Bennington in yet another example of how these two completed each other, musically. Their voices were made for each other and it’s never more clear than on Roads Untraveled.

Lyrically, it is straightforward and beautiful. The piece serves as a directive on hope and growth and is a personal guidepost for me. I find it impossible not to quote- it is a perfect track of endings and beginnings.

As a small note- LIVING THINGS is one of the best Linkin Park albums of their later era, and if you are looking for a place to start in their back catalogue- this is a great spot.

Final Masquerade (The Hunting Party, 2014)

The light on the horizon Was brighter yesterday With shadows floating over The scars begin to fade We said it was forever But then it slipped away Standing at the end of The final masquerade

Final Masquerade is as braggadocios as Linkin Park can muster- calling out an unseen anxiety and declaring its end. Its progressive rhythm propels the listener forward, pointing them toward the horizon of a great confrontation.

While not bombastic enough to warrant labeling as a “hype up track”, it carries on with as much confidence as any rock single you’d hear at a sporting event. As with tracks like One Step Closer, In the End, From the Inside and many others- you can’t help but listen and be transported to the theater of the singer’s mind as they play out unseen mental battles against a plague of anxieties.

Tracks like these are the bread and butter of Linkin Park- and what made their fans feel so intimately close to them. 

One More Light (One More Light, 2017)

Who cares if one more light goes out In the sky of a million stars? It flickers, flickers Who cares when someone’s time runs out If a moment is all we are? Or quicker, quicker? Who cares if one more light goes out? Well, I do

I don’t know how else to describe this song but heartbreaking. It is impossible to listen to it without feeling something- sorrow, guilt, empathy, longing, grief. That Chester Bennington would die shortly after its release still feels unbelievable.

The premise of the song- that the singer cares, even when no one else does, feels incredibly timely. Though the song is overtly about suicide it also serves as a treatise on empathy in a culture where empathy is sorely lacking.

There’s something deeply spiritual in seeing Bennington sing this in his live shows. For those of us who grew up with Chester and Linkin Park, who struggled through mental health issues and found the music as a safe place- this feels like an invitation from an old friend- and a homecoming.

Knowing now that Chester would die shortly after this release adds an air of prophetic tragedy. You listen to the chorus- a desperate question- and you feel forced to respond. We all cared. And we all could have done more to show it.

If One More Light must be remembered as anything- let it be as a directive to look for those amongst us who are still here, still in need support and understanding. I believe that’s the message Chester would have most liked us to take away.

[crasherfly]

What Fire Emblem Could Learn From Triangle Strategy

Hey all. Crasherfly here to write just a bit about my most recent love affair with a little game called Triangle Strategy, which I plugged about 20 hours into over the weekend and adore.

I’m a big tactics rpg fan. I’ve poured hundreds of hours into games like XCOM, Fire Emblem and the like. Fire Emblem, especially, is a series I have fond experiences with. I remember long car rides spent with The Blazing Blade and The Sacred Stones. I recall the full week I spent in my buddy’s dorm room racing through Path of Radiance. Awakening is the game I credit with bringing me back to the 3DS. Fates got me through countless holiday breaks and work lunches and was, for me, a high point in the series. 

And then there’s 3 Houses, a game I’ve sunk over 225 hours into across three playthroughs plus DLC. It’s the most time I’ve spent playing a Fire Emblem game. In a paradox, it is also my least favorite.

Video games are funny like that. Some can sap 100s of hours of your time and still be...not all that good. Folks will mistakenly point to those hours and say “well nothing bad can take that much time!” And while that can be partly true, it’s also equally true that many bad or mediocre games can cleverly pull off the feat of being a time burglar, luring the player into surrendering countless hours in promise of something it never quite delivers on.

And after my first 20 hours with Triangle Strategy, I’m more convinced than ever than 3 Houses will be remembered as a colossal time burglar.

There are already rumors that a new Fire Emblem is on the horizon. Whether Intelligent Systems/Koei Tecmo decides to continue in the overwrought direction of Fates and 3 Houses, or trend toward the colossal success of the mobile sensation Fire Emblem: Heroes, remains to be seen. But with the arrival of a game like Triangle Strategy, it is clear that competitors have learned a thing or two from Fire Emblem and are keen to improve on it.

So here are a few things Fire Emblem can learn from the competition if it is to have hope of remaining relevant.

Minimal Inventory Management

This one baffles me. Fire Emblem: Fates did away with inventory management, eliminating weapon breakages. Aside from ensuring your units were armed and set for healing, you could take the field without worrying about your best swordsman’s blade breaking on the first turn. Then Fire Emblem: 3 Houses brought back the breakage mechanic, adding hours of inventory sorting to a fandom that largely did not want it.

Triangle Strategy is minimalist in its inventory management. Items like healing potions or thrown weapons are kept in a shared pool. If someone needs an item, you grab it from the pool during battle. No need to assign it to someone before hand. 

Weapons are locked by class and can be upgraded between missions. While it’s true that this takes some versatility away from your units, you’ll quickly find your small army has more than enough of the right pieces to get the job done, and the joy of the pre-battle is finding a unique way to fit those pieces together to create a fighting force that can prevail. It’s a tense process that makes every choice feel meaningful in a way Fire Emblem has failed at for some time. Gone is the option to field the tank unit who can wield every weapon in the game- instead, you must think about synergy between multiple units. Choosing who you bring along in Triangle Strategy will make or break the next battle.

 Sprite Art

3 Houses had this to a minimal extent, and the few nods they included were nice. But let’s be real- the 3D art of 3 Houses is pretty garish. It’s not the end of the world- the art by and large doesn’t get in the way of the gameplay or story so most folks, including myself, gave it a pass. But when I see a game like Triangle Strategy sporting such gorgeous sprite art, I can’t help but long for what could have been.

Of course, this goes beyond simply sprites. The character portraits in Triangle Strategy are lovely and tasteful. At any time in a cutscene, you can pull them up and the game will even include a helpful reminder of who the speaker is and what their role is in the story.

You would think this combination of sprites and drawn art would result in less interesting cutscenes, but you would be wrong. Anchored by a solid JP voice cast, Triangle Strategy, to this point, has been filled with riveting moments both elating and tragic, all rendered in glorious 2.5D. 3 Houses’ scenes always felt odd and stilted as the 3D models stood around doing very little, or worse, pantomiming. There’s no point to Fire Emblem’s transition from 2D to 3D. In fact, I’d argue that in dropping their hand drawn portraits and sprite art, they also gave up a bit of their soul as well.

Just Enough Story

I like the characters of Triangle Strategy  a lot, even as some of them disappear for chapters on end before reappearing. Triangle Strategy develops character stories based solely on deployment. The characters you use are the ones you’ll see popping up later to add more to their story. This encourages you to use different combinations of fighters in every encounter, while avoiding the Fire Emblem pitfall of worrying what will happen if you don’t set your swordfighter next to his S rank girlfriend.

Fire Emblem makes its millions based on the A-S Rank relationship system where fighters’ stories roll out based on who they fight next to. It’s a great system that’s arguably overtaken the games themselves. In early games it felt like a neat perk that you could unlock with a little extra effort. By the time we get to 3 Houses, it is arguably the whole damn show, as almost every activity is built around the relationship mechanic.

As much as I enjoy the relationships of Fire Emblem, particularly in games like Awakening and Fates, I don’t miss that function at all when I play Triangle Strategy. In fact, I’m pleasantly surprised with just how little I do miss it- sometimes, you don’t realize how less can be more until you try it. \

While Triangle Strategy’s characters still haven’t reached the heights of Fire Emblem’s, it succeeds in trading the raw amount of content for brief, but charming character moments that endear. I would say I want more, but I’m not sure that more is always the right answer. And considering that Triangle Strategy trades out the relationship system for a more open and freeing strategic battle system, I’d say Fire Emblem could consider cutting a bit of the chaff itself.

Let Players Play

Think back to your time with 3 Houses. How much did you spend on the battlefield? Like me, you might find yourself surprised to realize it wasn’t much. Instead, you might be thinking of all the time you spent wandering the monastery, navigating inventory menus, taking note of class promotion paths or relationship levels.

Maybe I’m just a grump and activities like the fishing minigame were instant-classics that flew over my head. But personally, I show up to Fire Emblem for the battles. That’s where the memories get made, relationships forged, and appreciation for units found. Fire Emblem: 3 Houses was so wrapped up in busy work that meaningful battles felt few and far between, turning even the skirmish battles into joyless chores. 

Where in 3 Houses it could be hours between story events, in Triangle Strategy the action unfolds with a brisk pace. The cutscenes are brief, often a minute or two tops. The exploration is usually confined to a single delightful set that has you hunting for items and talking to (thankfully) brief NPCs for intel. There are moments of choice where your party members vote on the course of the story- the mechanic is simple and the sequence can be wrapped up in little time at all.

And then it’s on to the battles, of which there are plenty. You can cut to your encampment at any time for “mental mock battles”, the game’s equivalent to grinders. Or you can forge ahead with the story battles, which have suggested levels. If you complete a skirmish each chapter, I’ve found that you’ll usually be at the exact level suggested for each fight. There’s very little grinding required to keep pace with the story.

The result is that every session of Triangle Strategy carries momentum. Even just an hour will leave you feeling you accomplished something to move the game forward. There is no busy work. No chores. I could avoid Fire Emblem: 3 Houses for days or weeks at a time in dread of the chores necessary to managing my fighters. But I find myself looking forward to every session with Triangle Strategy because I know the game respects my time and won’t force me to waste it.

Fire Emblem: Fates and Awakening both excelled at this. But 3 Houses was a huge step back in the series in regards to bloat. As Triangle Strategy shows us the value of a game without bloat, lets hope that  future Fire Emblem games take note and go a bit leaner in the future.

Try It For Yourself

I’ve been touting Triangle Strategy’s praises for a while now, and with its release I’ve been extra loud. March is a STACKED month for game releases, with games like Elden Ring and the new Kirby installment draining the oxygen at the room. This makes it easy for smaller releases like Triangle Strategy to get forgotten in the mix. 

So here I am, reminding you that you don’t have to take my word for it- there’s a demo on the E-Shop right now that clocks in at almost 3 hours! Try the game for yourself, see if you agree with my takes. And if you don’t, that’s cool too! But I personally love Triangle Strategy thus far, and as a tactics junky, it gives me all sorts of good vibes to see a totally new series stand on its own in the genre. I hope there will be more in the future, and if not, I hope games like Fire Emblem can take note and steal a few improvements for themselves.

Do you have thoughts on how Fire Emblem holds up to Triangle Strategy, or your own experiences with the Fire Emblem series as a whole? Hit me up in the comments and lets chat!

[crasherfly]

What I’ve Been Playing in 2022

Hey all. It’s been a hot second since we last talked and we’re already rolling into March. Last post we talked a little bit about the games I quit for 2022, which is all good and fine, but it’s been a while since we last talked about what I’m currently playing.

So, let’s talk about that! Not only ‘cuz it’s fun to share, but also ‘cuz this will help me out with my own recollections later in the year. So many games, so little recall, etc.

Phantasy Star Online 2: New Genesis

I have a lot to say about PSO2. Not every game I talk about here will have as long of an entry as this, but bear with me.

Confession time: ever since I was a kid, I saw games like Everquest, Star Wars Galaxies, and World of Warcraft and felt an incredible desire to play and be a part of the fun. I heard about these vibrant, teeming massive multiplayer online worlds and I wanted to be a part of them. But I grew up in a small, rural town with incredibly limited internet access and a family PC that was not games oriented, so the best I could do was watch from afar.

By the time I made it to college I was firmly a console player. I had friends who played Guild Wars, Old Republic, World of Warcraft and more, but again, my laptop wasn’t really games oriented and my campus IT department had a vendetta against gamers sapping up all the bandwidth. It as a whole THING just to get my Xbox Live to run so I could play Call of Duty, let alone be connected 24/7 to an MMO server.

You’d think my post-college would be the perfect time for me to finally get on the MMO train, but no. I was so poor I couldn’t afford an internet bill. I lived for literal years without my own internet subscription, occasionally mooching off of my neighbors plans and slipping them a check for part of the bill. At one point, my “laptop” was a used Toshiba from the early 2010s that lagged when playing Hotline Miami. To buy a PS4, I traded in almost every video game and existing console I owned to make up the difference. I still regret trading in my original 3DS.

And so it was that three full golden ages of MMOs passed me by while I stuck mostly to console gaming or online shooters. Life is a lot different for me now in 2022 in terms of stability and freetime- I have more of both than I ever had before. 

But one thing I have a lot less of is social time. I’m older now- and of course, so are my friends. Finding time to game with them is hard, at best. Even if everyone can agree on a time, gaming has become so fractured with endless options that it is rare that any of us are playing the same game. Getting 4-8 people to agree on a single game takes a lot of investment- it can mean game or subscription purchases, long download times, finnicky internet connections or extra accessory purchases. 

Where once hosting a game night simply meant making sure you have enough controllers, now it means walking a financial tightrope that also somehow balances the many competing interests of your pals. In an age where literally hundreds of games are available to us in various subscription plans at little financial risk, it’s easier than ever to ignore that game night invite to go play something that appeals solely to you.

All that to say in 2022 I’ve missed multiplayer gaming and have been craving a social structure that I could slide into. A lot of suggestions have been made- Final Fantasy XIV and Lost Ark being the oft’ suggested. But one game that kept coming back to me in my consideration was the free-to-play Phantasy Star Online 2, a JP mmo that I actually attempted during its Xbox debut in 2020.

My first pass at it was underwhelming. I was quickly folded into an Alliance discord filled with energetic and well-meaning MMO vets who tried their hand at showing me the ropes. However, they were way further along than I was, so I never got to experience the joy of things like grinding with the group or going on raids. Instead, I was left to quietly knock out beginner stuff in my own corner. Understandably, my interest waned and after about 15 levels I dropped out, with little les beyond serious wrist pain to thank me for my trouble.

2 years later I return to PSO2 and find there’s been a totally new expansion called New Genesis. I’m pleasantly surprised to find this version of PSO2 is a lot less opaque than its predecessor. The current level cap of 40 is incredibly attainable, many of the world’s functions are clearly explained via tutorial or text and while the community isn’t terribly chatty, it is friendly enough.

85 hours later I’m still going strong. New Genesis is still relatively small compared to most MMO’s- whereas my experience in FFXIV is always akin to being in Disney World on its busiest day, NG is more akin to walking down an occasionally busy city street- at least, in its social hubs. It is entirely possible to go out into the discovery or combat zones and be entirely alone.

The good news is it is entirely possible to play out most of NG on your own without a party or Alliance. You’ll progress a tad slower and some of the grinding events and raids will be out of reach, but the matchmaking helps offset this a bit. I didn’t join an alliance until around level 35 or so, when I started getting picky about hanging out in highly populated blocks. I can usually call up some alliance members to party with if I want, but I can also solo at will. This is perfect for me- I love to be surrounded by people, but sometimes, I hate the pressure of having to be “on”. That New Genesis largely gives me a choice where other MMO’s do not is a relief.

There isn’t a ton of content on NG right now. I currently spend an hour each day knocking out my dailies and seeing to any Urgent Quests that pop up. That usually means cooking some food, hunting some resources, managing my inventory, knocking out enemies in a designated zone and occasionally grinding if I come across a convenient opportunity. I ran out of story content about two weeks ago, and as such, am left to my own devices for increasing my level and battle power.

But in many ways, I’m glad there isn’t much more in New Genesis at this time. I log in knowing exactly what to expect, making PSO2 my defacto “wind-down” activity at the end of day. I love to put on some music, log in and take care of my daily tasks. My in-game wardrobe has steadily increased and I now have a sense of “self” in PSO2 that I haven’t had in any other RPG. I know I’m not progressing as fast as I could be- there are guys in my Alliance who discuss loot drop percentages like a science- but PSO2 seems content to let me take my time and enjoy the journey, and in a year where I’m just a little lonely and craving some routine, that’s absolutely perfect for me.

Project Triangle Strategy

Weird to include a game that’s not even out yet, I know, but with a 3 hour demo live on the Nintendo Shop, it’s impossible not to talk about Project Triangle Strategy.

I’ve been raving about this game since we got the first look demo last year, and the latest demo release has only made me even more excited. Project Triangle Strategy, a turn-based strategy game from Square, looks so promising that I’m willing to put my chips down and call it the next big thing in tactics rpgs.

Maybe I’m just a little jaded after almost 200 hours of Fire Emblem: Three Houses, but I came to PTS looking for something that could address what I see as a bevy of shortcomings with my favorite tactics rpg, and thus far, it has delivered on all fronts. The combat is challenging and crunchy. The art is pixelated beauty. The non-combat sections are short but meaningful. The grinding, such as there is, is enjoyable and manageable. There is almost no bloat, no time wasted. You don’t have meaningless world hubs to navigate or useless fetch quests to complete. There is no finnicky inventory system to manage, no complex relationship trees to strategize around. PTS is a game to be played, not a chore to be avoided- a complaint I have often leveled at Fire Emblem: Three Houses.

I’ll be singing this game’s praises for quite some time. March can’t come fast enough and I fully anticipate PTS taking a spot in the immediate running for my favorite game of 2022.

The Anacrusis

With GamePass being the massive beast that it is, it’s easy to let certain games- or, in this case, betas, fly by you.

But letting The Anacrusis pass you by without at least trying it would be a mistake. Those who were let down by Back 4 Blood would benefit from paying this sci-fi wave/survival shooter mind. The Anacrusis plays like a faithful mod of Left 4 Dead, with many of the genre standard-bearer’s ideas and systems firmly entrenched in this sci-fi shooter’s DNA. 

Set in a space station, The Anacrusis sports environments that are faithful throwbacks to such films as Silent Running or Black Hole, with bright colors and NASA-wave interiors straight out of the late 60s and early 70s. It’s such a breath of fresh air from the normally dark color wheels that inundate almost every other shooter on the market.

You play as one of 4 characters as you make your way from the start of the level to the escape room at the end. You encounter alien zombies, specialized aliens with unique abilities, and of course, the inevitable last-stand set pieces you’d come to expect from these types of games. The weapons all fall in the same groups as usual- the SMG, the shotgun, the rifle, etc. The thrown items impressed the most early on- several are incredibly imaginative, including grenades that provide shields or open singularities that pull enemies in.

This being a play test and all, you’ll want to find 3 pals to play this with, as drops and matchmaking are a big problem. Because of this, I haven’t been able to finish the entire campaign, as much as I’ve wanted to. The challenge of The Anacrusis is a stiff one, and will require every team member active and playing. Bots can help you to an extent, but this game is clearly meant for 4 human players.

Deep Rock Galactic 

FOR ROCK AND STONE BROTHER!

I’m really late to the station on this one. Another wave shooter, Deep Rock Galactic has you teaming up with 3 other players to shoot bugs and collect ore in the space mines of this sci-fi fantasy shooter.

The next-gen updates really glow up the game’s dark caves and glowing buggies. I play on PS5, so I also get the advantage of the controller’s added trigger tension, sound effects and haptic feedback. Matchmaking is quick and easy and there seems to be a really solid player population. I haven’t struggled to find a mission yet.

Where other wave shooters like Back 4 Blood or The Anacrusis are largely the same in terms of level and design, Deep Rock Galactic goes out on a limb and provides you with different types of missions to go on. Several, such as the salvage or refining missions, require you to dig tunnels and build fuel lines, adding a creative dimension to this shooter that others of its ilk sorely lack. 

For progression, there isn’t much beyond cosmetics and a basic perk tree, but that’s fine. The joy of Deep Rock Galactic comes from playing the game and seeking out overwhelming odds. It’s the rare shooter where I find some pleasure from facing the most menacing challenges possible. Killing bugs is just that fun, I guess!

I Am Setsuna

Slowly, but surely, I am progressing through I Am Setsuna, a jrpg that has all the right parts to be considered an “instant-classic” but was weirdly written off by most genre fans. The most common complaint I hear is about its battle system, which to be sure, is a bit finnicky in its pacing- though no moreso, in my limited experience, than most Square rpg’s.

There’s not much I can say about what this game does well that you haven’t heard before. The score alone justifies its existence, but it also is just a really pretty game. Its snowy visuals frame art that could be best described as tabletop miniatures come to life. It’s a game that just makes you feel nice! Everything looks and sounds warm, cozy and inviting. It’s also worth noting this game looks LOVELY on a SWOLED screen.

I’m about ten hours in and making steady progress. The story itself is nice enough, with some mystery and of course, tragedy, as it revolves around the pending death of its title character. Maybe more jaded/experienced JRPG fans will have a hard time finding a reason to stick with this particular title, but if, like me, you’re a bit newer to the genre, there’s a lot to enjoy about I Am Setsuna.

Valkyria Chronicles IV

I finally finished Valkyria Chronicles, a game I previously swore I’d quit on in light of its incredibly BS final boss fights. But I came back and in less than an afternoon’s time I finally put Prince Maximillian to rest, though apparently not permanently, because at some point between 1 and 4, he returns. How, I’ll never know, because 2 and 3 are only on the PSP at this time.

Valkyria Chronicles IV appears to give players more of the same, but with some subtle changes. Whereas the original Valkyria Chronicles rarely changed its missions up, IV likes to adjust its objectives on the fly and provide dynamic challenges on the field that actually require you to think through which classes you deploy. In the third mission, especially, I found myself thinking more tactically than I ever did in the original- which is to say, I adore IV already. I love me some tactics.

It’s too early to say what my experience with Valkyria Chronicles IV will be. A turn-based tactics rpg with real time movement and shooting, it stands alone in a janky gray area between XCOM 2 and Brothers in Arms (anyone remember that one?). When its tactics are forefront, it shines. But when the inevitable crazy boss battles start, I fully expect it to falter in many of the same ways the first game did. I guess we’ll see!

 FTL

It’s not new, it’s not trendy, it’s not even a surprise, but I might as well be honest- on slow- or even busy- workdays, I come back to FTL. Lately I’ve been playing it as a nice “treat” on days where I’m doing particularly repetitive work. Managing the dire straits of a spaceship on a suicide mission can be weirdly therapeutic, I guess.

Rimworld

Also not new, but still a game I like to hop into occasionally for an afternoon. Rimworld is a bit too slow and obtuse for my taste- it’s a bleak simulator that focuses in on the management of a small space colony in the face of daunting odds that occasionally feels less like a development sim and more like spinning your tires.

It’s easy to lose hours to Rimworld, but also discouraging when you walk away realizing the best you did during those hours was maybe build a couple of pieces of furniture. Of course, this is offset by the stories you build in your head about your randomly generated characters and their struggle for survival against rabid animals, weather disasters and murderous wastelanders. Or at least, it’s supposed to be. More often, for me at least, it feels like a whole lot of waiting and inventory management.

I want to give Rimworld more time before passing too much judgment. My early impressions were really positive, and my mid-game impressions are more measured. But my sim-oriented friends adore this game and it has a passionate cult following. I want to catch some of those good vibes, if at all possible. No one likes feeling left out.

Wrapping Up- FOMO in Video Games

This actually leads to something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. This week sees the release of Elden Ring, a game that a lot of folks are hype for- and a lot of other folks- myself included- feel very left out of. 

Now, what I’m about to write isn’t meant to be a critique of that particular game or its fans. This is about my particular experience as being an outsider during the release of one of 2022′s most anticipated games. So please do not come at me with a list of reasons for why I have souls games all wrong, or how there’s other games I’d likely enjoy more, or so on. That’s not what we’re here to talk about. You have your own experience- but this is my space, and this is about my own experience.

To start I will say this is a uniquely online problem. Every game release is kinda like this now. A big, cool game comes out, everyone gets hype (or mad) on social media about it, and it becomes very hard to resist the urge to join in and experience the zeitgeist collectively as it releases. I can’t tell you how many games I’ve purchased- and barely played- because I didn’t want to miss out on the fun of experiencing a game with my friends or social media counterparts. It’s fun to be a part of something big! It’s less fun to feel left out.

In 2022, however, I’m coming to a more healthy disposition with it. First, I broke my long running curse of Pokemon purchases with Pokemon: Arceus. Despite having friends who purchased it and despite the pitched social media fervor, I butted out, and in retrospect feel pretty vindicated. As weeks pass, I realize I never had much interest in actually playing Arceus, and now feel peace knowing that rather than feeling guilty for having purchased it and not playing it enough to justify the cash or keep up with friends, I can simply devote my time to stuff I actually enjoy.

My experience with the Elden Ring discourse has been trickier. The game LOOKS amazing. Most of my gamer pals, especially the pals who I know to be “good” at video games (what does that even mean? who can say. I told someone recently I don’t really play soulsgames ‘cuz I’m bad at video games and they looked at me like I was nuts, ‘cuz they’ve watched me play many games that I’m definitely not “bad at”), are actively playing it as we speak. 

The game’s fans- much at the behest of the studio, who adores stoking this mindset- refer to the souls games, and Elden Ring, in particular, as a uniquely adult challenge for players who are mature enough to handle repeated failure and value hard work. Even the most optimistic and non-toxic presentations of From Software’s latest opus hide this vaguely elitist undercurrent- intentional or not- that leaves non-participants feeling not just a bit left out, but also guilty.

To quote the old Spongebob memes, it leaves a lot of gamers feeling as though they’ve been relegated to Weenie Hut Jr.’s. And while there’s nothing wrong with Weenie Hut Jr.’s (WHO’S HYPE FOR MEGA WEENIE MONDAY?!), it’s hard not to feel a bit of shame over it when seemingly the rest of the world is having the time of their life at the Salty Spitoon.

This isn’t a knock at soulslike players. You have to enjoy what you enjoy, and I’ll even say that From Software’s own press discussions have been incredibly diplomatic- even inviting- of new players who don’t have a masochistic streak in them. And it’s hard to not want to take a chance! “This is the game for newbies”, every review promises, the studio itself promises, all my soulslike pals promise in tweets. It’s been a weirdly evangelistic moment from a series and fanbase that has largely been defined with singular, outdated gaming phrase of “git gud”.

But it doesn’t change the fact that there’s a whole swath of gamers out there- myself included- who WANT to enjoy Elden Ring and simply can’t. And it sucks! And lord knows I’ve tried- I purchased Demons Souls on PS5 because the gameworld and aesthetic are literally my DND campaigns brought to life- and it HAUNTS me that I can’t, even with my best try, progress beyond the 5th world or so, even using the cheesiest class in the game. Sure, hardship might be the point, failure may be the lesson- but I just want to enjoy many of the game’s other artistic merits, but cannot, because a proverbial bouncer is standing at the door saying “sorry, not tough enough, get thee to Weenie Hut Jr.’s”.

So even as I come to a healthier place (both emotionally and financially) with video game related FOMO- this particular moment with Elden Ring is particularly challenging. Because I’m not just a weirdo with an ax to grind- I’m not a grump with a vendetta against soulsgames or a malcontent who wants to be the one guy missing out- I want to love these games and enjoy the worlds (and no, just watching a stream doesn’t cut it- it isn’t the same and y’all know it- nor does hopping to a different, allegedly similar series, if I want to enjoy the art and world and lore of a souls game, why would I leave all that behind to play something else?)- and...I just can’t! 

And don’t think I haven’t hovered on the purchase screen for Elden Ring or fired up Demons Souls a couple of times in the past week to see if I can muster the will to enjoy the experience of soulslikes beyond their gorgeous art and perfect mood! I have done so several times, but I also know myself better than I used to- and I know that as much as it sucks to miss out, it would suck more to stick my hand into the fire and be entirely unsurprised when I get badly burned.

So I’ll cheer on my soulslike pals and drool over screenshots and videos of Elden Ring. But that’ll be as far as it goes. And while that sucks, I can take some comfort in the fact that at least this time I know better, and that in the long run I’ll be happier for accepting my gaming limits, even if it means feeling temporarily out of the loop. Sometimes, games will give you a hard “no” or a set of conditions to enjoy them- and while there’s a maturity in finding a way to measure up to those conditions, there’s just as much to be gained from knowing when its healthier to just walk away.

[crasherfly]

Games I Quit for 2022

Despite the headline, this isn’t meant to be a mean post. The games listed here are all lovely games in their own right whose only sin is that I’m the wrong audience at the wrong time.

I have a number of gaming projects that have stretched for years now. They hog my backlog and mock me every time I finish a game or buy yet another new one. The guilt of not having finished them is...laughably minimal, if we’re being honest, but it’s still annoying!

Well no more! We live in the age of the Great Resignation! So here’s a list of games I’m resigning from in 2022. See something here you think I should give yet another chance? HMU in the comments or on twitter!

Super Metroid

I have had Metroid fans tell me all the ways I’m looking at Super Metroid all wrong. That the exploration, endless wandering and constant feeling of being utterly lost are part of the experience.

Well, I hate the experience!

Look. This game has great atmosphere. It feels good to control. I’ve had a few boss battles I’ve loved. But every time I pick it up I am filled with immediate anxiety because I either can’t remember where I am or where I’m going and it sucks! 

And sure, I could look up a guide, but most guides assume you’ve progressed in Metroid a very specific way, and if you didn’t, you’re probably fucked. People call this getting “softlocked” but there is nothing soft about the dread (heh, pun intended) of being hopelessly stuck because there was some hidden block I was supposed to know to destroy in order to progress.

I love the mood and aesthetic of Metroid. I love watching my friends play Metroid. Speedruns of Metroid are especially thrilling. But I cannot, for the life of me, enjoy Metroid. And I’m gonna stop resisting this! Not enjoying something doesn’t make me uncultured. It just means it’s not appealing to my needs in this moment.

Someday, I hope something will click that allows me to enjoy Metroid. Until then, I’m letting this one go.

Super Mario 64

We are starting off with lots of Nintendo classics today. I purchased the 3D All Stars collection and immediately jumped into Super Mario 64, yet another game I was assured was a classic.

And once again I was reminded that yes, I am just quite bad at retro-games- and this is barely old enough to be considered retro!

Super Mario 64 is not a hard game, but it is obtuse. Finding the stars and coins requisit to proceeding is a chore. It is easy to get lost in the castle or lose sight of where you need to next visit in order to move things along.

It’s tough to enjoy 64 when you’ve already played something like Odyssey, which does many similar things but in a much more modern way.

The biggest bummer is this kept me from experiencing Super Mario Galaxy, because I was convinced I needed to play these games in order. That’s dumb! I should have just played Galaxy. Everyone loves that. Maybe I’ll go do that now.

Luigi’s Mansion 3/Pikmin 3/Super Mario World

I’m putting all of these together because they are Nintendo games that I’m not quite ready to quit but I’m also really, really not motivated to finish.

Here’s the thing with LM3, Pik3 and SMM- they are all brilliant. Great aesthetics. Awesome gameplay. Lovely to experience or watch others experience.

But my sense of urgency is almost never engaged. The money in LM3 doesn’t matter. Pikmin 3 is frantic but usually boils down to a couple of key logistical choices to determine success. Super Mario World always leaves me stuck in the Forest of Illusion and I hear that theme music in my nightmares.

As lovely as each game is,  none of them appeal to that base instinct within me that screams at me to progress in the same way as say, 3D World or Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze. 

But I also can’t bring myself to quit, either because I’m close to the end of each of these or I’m convinced I’m just around the corner from truly falling in love with them. So lets call each of these what they are- brilliant games that are on the firing line solely because of my fickle attention span.

Pokemon Shining Pearl

EVERY. DAMN. TIME. THIS. HAPPENS.

A new Pokemon game gets announced. My discord gets excited. I don’t want to miss out- I never finish Pokemon games, but I also don’t want to miss on a chance to game with friends, so I end up buying the new Pokemon game.

AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED YET AGAIN.

Yeah, I never progressed beyond the first gym. I got too wound up in catching everything I could before moving on to the next area and got fatigued. On top of that, Pearl is possibly the least challenging rpg I have ever played. At least Sword was occasionally hard, and Moon was consistently difficult. I did end up finishing both of those years later! I don’t think I’ll ever finish Pearl.

Also, someone please trade me a Mew!

Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE

I like Fire Emblem. I like Persona. Surely if we combine both I’ll love this too, yeah?

Nope, guess not. I’m just bored!

Look, I can’t explain this. The visuals of Tokyo Mirage are gorgeous. The soundtrack is amazing. The battle system is easy to understand and a fun challenge to master. The battles are satisfyingly tough.

But the story is just...not my cup of tea. And this is coming from a guy who loves anime and has seen his fair share of idol animes! 

I don’t know what to tell you. Anyone who knows me would tell me I must love this game. And yet, here I am, years later, and there’s almost no chance I’ll finish it before the other JRPG’s in my life. And I’m not gonna let this hold me back from other experiences any longer! I have other things to play, like Trails of Cold Steel II, Persona 5R, Persona 4, and more! Life’s too short to trudge through something you aren’t wildly enthusiastic about.

Valkyria Chronicles

I adore Valkyria Chronicles. It is a deeply fun turn-based tactics shooter and I recommend it to anyone who is interested and willing.

But I can’t beat the final boss- in fact- I won’t. I refuse. It’s bullshit and not a fun challenge. It’s not even a tactical challenge- it’s an exercise in suffering as you try to cheese the final level’s angles to keep your soldiers from getting one-shot-killed.

I’ve played X-COM 2 more hours than I care to admit. I’m no stranger to losing. But I prefer a fair challenge and the end of Chronicles aint it. I’m content to watch the ending on youtube and move on to 4.

Resident Evil

So. Much. Item management. And. Backtracking. 

In a year where I finished Resident Evil 2, 3, 7 and Village I tried to finish the game that started it all and got as far as the plant monster before finally giving up.

The mansion, as cool as it is, is a nightmare to navigate. The controls are the most obtuse thing I’ve experienced this side of Luigi’s Mansion 3. Trying to follow any sort of a guide is like getting directions from a drunk uncle.

This is one that I’ll have to chalk up as just having had to have experienced it in its own time. Short of that, I’ll have to be content to watch a playthrough, ‘cuz on my own there’s no chance I’ll conjure the patience to finish the game.

Melty Blood: Type Lumina

Finally, I thought to myself- I’ll learn Melty Blood right at the start of the game’s run and be on the ground floor for a series I had, to this point, missed.

While initially successful, my interest quickly waned. A small roster, a limited number of friends to play with and little in the way of ongoing support quickly curtailed my interest. 

When it comes time to practice fighting games, I’d rather direct my energies to something that still excites me, like King of Fighters 2002 Unlimited Match, rather than force myself to learn something that barely anyone else I know is playing.

Demons Souls

My complaints about Demons Souls are loud and numerous. It’s a mean-spirited experience that seems suited for only one type of player. I knew by its reputation that I’d likely not be that type of player, but the game world was so beautiful that I couldn’t help but be drawn in nonetheless.

That was a mistake. Demons Souls has only inspired anger and toxicity on my behalf and I was a fool to think I would take its cues (or lackthereof) any other way. It is rare that I can say I have enjoyed the actual act of playing a game as little as I have enjoyed playing Demons Souls. But here we are. I did not have fun. Many of you do have fun with it- and more power to you! But not me, and lord, the list of reasons why is a long one.

From the fanbase- who is all too eager to tell you how your shitty experience was just the developer’s intent or that you need to get good, to the broken pvp and outrageously finnicky combat, Demons Souls simply is what it is- and further complaining about it being anything other than that is futility personified. Clearly, the series’ fans adore this. Clearly, the developers are comfortable with the experience. And clearly, those of us who can’t sign on for the game As-Is would be better served doing literally anything else.

I’m still gonna show up to occasionally take photos though. It’s a gorgeous game. And it is a good game, just like every other game on this list. So I won’t break my precedent despite all my badmouthing.

Well, that is, I won’t break precedent until we talk about this next one..

Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla

LOL I was never the audience for this game. I got it for free with my Series X. I played for an hour  or so to gawk and the HDR and kill a few Vikings. I then took a look at the map and list of objectives and remembered why I never touch Ubisoft games.

Did you know you can pay Ubisoft so you can gain levels faster in this single player experience? What a joke.

The experience of playing AC: Valhalla is actually not a bad one. Combat feels good and the overworld is overwhelmingly nice to look at. But all the extra bullshit courtesy of Ubisoft makes it feel like you’re constantly being hounded for an extra nickel to experience things that should be free of charge.

And that’s it! Maybe there will be more in 2022, but maybe not. Either way, here’s to quitting and a fresh slate! 

[crasherfly]

Returning to Theaters

I’m a failed filmmaker. 

I’m pretty honest about that. And it’s not something I’m all that sad about anymore. Some well-meaning folks might misunderstand me and try to assure me the dream isn’t dead. I get it- no one likes to hear a friend say things like this- but sometimes the kindest thing we can do for one another is let certain dreams die.

My dream was to make great films. I made several in my 20s. Some were occasionally funny. Others hit an emotional chord or two. But none of them were very good. And in every one of them I was a miserable and ill-equipped director. I lacked the technical knowledge to speak to the crew, the attention span to track my actors and the confidence to defend my scripts against producers. Compound this dearth of talent with a deficit in time and money and you have an impossible situation. 

I’ve always loved writing. I got into film because I loved writing and wanted to see my written words brought to life. But film made writing miserable. For about 10 years I didn’t write anything I enjoyed- but instead wrote what I thought I could cast, fund and shoot. I wrote for locations I could access. I wrote roles for people I knew personally. I never asked for an effect I couldn’t create myself. Writing became less a creative exercise and more a calculus of what I thought I could scrape by with.

My last ditch effort was a script called Keep Looking Up, a project I wrote in the year leading up to the pandemic. It was the logical conclusion of all the aforementioned challenges. It was written to be shot in a bedroom and a park. It cast inexperienced actors willing to work for free- as such, no one had a line in the entire film. Its story relied on music sourced from public domain. The crew- the last remaining volunteers from my past films, college friends and new acquaintances who’d responded to facebook crew calls, worked for free and as such could only barely be relied on (justifiably so, you get what you pay for). Our equipment was whatever anyone had and shortages could only be met with shrugs.

Despite it all I thought the first shoot went well- until half my crew approached me privately to tell me the truth I’d been ignoring- that it had been a disaster. From missing props to errant storyboards and uncooperative actors to a general lack of morale and confidence in the direction of the set, it was already clear that I’d have to work like mad to convince people to come back for a second shoot, let alone finish the film. But most damningly- it was clear to me that my insight as a director had utterly failed. If I couldn’t determine something as basic as the mood and morale of the set and crew, then I wasn’t fit to continue taking people’s time. It was clear I had reached the end of the line and it was time for me to let my dream- and the folks attached to it- go.

 I sent out an email letting folks know we were taking a 2 week break to consider scheduling changes for the film, thanked them for their hard work, arranged the return of equipment and props to anyone who needed it and took care of the cash receipts for anyone we owed.

And then I quietly let the project die without any fanfare. No one asked when we’d schedule the next shoot. The DP would later reveal he lost the footage shortly after the first shoot- even then, we had already been doomed, like it or not.

Somewhere, lost to time, is a single image of a man in a grim reaper’s costume standing on a lone hill as the sun sets. Next to him is a boy. They are both looking to the sky, watching the budding stars in the new night sky. It’s the last image I’d ever direct to film.

It would turn out to be a fitting send-off to my film career. At first I was bitter and angry over this final failure. But as time passed and the pandemic began in earnest I came to realize two important truths:

1. I still wanted to write and would not stop doing so.

2. I was so much happier when I wasn’t writing something I thought I’d have to film later.

I began to blog more regularly and I put together over 200 pages and counting for an episodic story that would become  Alice and the Pale Horse, a story I’d never write were I eying a return to the screen. I believe it is more interesting and imaginative than anything I ever filmed. For this to live, my dream of filmmaking had to die. 

And if asked to do so again, I’d make that trade in a heartbeat.

So why all this talk of film and dying dreams?

Well, I went to the theater this week. Twice! And for the first time in almost 4 years, no less. The theater brings these old memories back to me like an unwanted necromancer.

It doesn’t help that the two films I’ve seen are films that represent a bygone era of my past aspirations. No Time to Die and The French Dispatch, films that represent corners of the industry that refuse to age, for better or worse.

This isn’t a review of either film- both of which are quite good in their own rights! But rather, an introspective about myself, a guy who once aspired to BE Wes Anderson and considered the Bond series the pinnacle of practical filmmaking. 

There’s precious little that can drag me back into a theater. Bond and Wes are about the beginning and the end of the list. Without them the number of modern films I watch comes out to zero unless forced. I saw Jungle Cruise this year under duress. So I guess that counts, making 2021 the most active film viewing year for me in about 6 years.

But as the years go by and I find myself further distanced from the guy who hoped to be immortalized on the screen, I find myself having less and less to connect with in film. My Criterion collection continues to gather dust, new releases come and go from the theaters with less than a shrug from me, and when I do finally make it out to the theater, as I did this week, it is often in a spirit of bitterness. How dare they make me pay $30 for this experience, I think, as I watch incalculably rich and talented people live their dreams out on the screen for my supposed benefit. When you know how the sausage is made- what it ACTUALLY takes to create a beautiful and successful film, it makes it all the harder to be taken in by it, even when it’s a spectacle like Bond or a filmmaker without a mean bone in their body like Wes. You can’t help but be a bit resentful, as petty as that might be.

Going to the theater is like visiting my college campus or reconnecting with friends I liked an awful lot ten years ago but have decisively lost contact with since. I see less of the film in front of me and instead more of a reflection of who I am now, how I’ve changed, who I’m becoming and what I’ve left behind. It’s a self-centered experience of reflection. But it can’t be helped.

Films like Bond or Wes won’t age up to address the ways I’ve changed in the past ten years- the dreams I’ve let die- the dreams we’ve ALL let die as we age into the next phase of our lives. And they shouldn’t. They deserve to be their own world beholden to no one. That they refuse to do otherwise is of no detriment to their quality.

And besides, I’m not sure I even know what a good film is anymore. And that’s to say nothing of the miserable moralizing Americans put themselves through with every release- moralizing that wouldn’t be out of place in a church youth group basement. Before you can even say two words about if you actually enjoyed a film, you first must address if it was morally responsible to even attend it. It’s a privilege, yes, but it’s also fucking exhausting. I don’t know what’s good anymore, what’s responsible anymore. Maybe I’m getting old, or out of touch, or maybe I just don’t especially care to waste my living minutes speculating on the views and values of incredibly rich people I’ll never meet.

After all, when my parents asked me after Jungle Cruise what I thought, all I could muster was “I thought it was pretty good, honestly”. And actually, I was serious. I thought it was a fine film. Ten years ago? I’d have savaged it. But now? I know that it didn’t need to be anything more than what it was- pretty good, honestly, and mostly harmless.

All this meandering to come to a point- as I realize I don’t need film to reinforce what I am becoming- and as my motivations of aspiration become more and more distant in the rearview mirror- there will come a time when I leave theaters behind entirely. Maybe I’ll auction off my Criterions. I already took down my past films from youtube and shutdown my production company’s accounts.

I’m in a new phase of my life, creatively, and while it’s not possible to rule a return to film out entirely, it’s not on my radar now. I still contend with some negativity over that. It’s something I’ve even worked through in therapy. But I’m better for it now, really. I’ve come to see film like the pop punk bands and retro video games of my youth- a medium that will always feel a little nostalgic- and sad- regardless of how I experience it.

I don’t know if I’ll make it out for the next Wes or Bond. Hopefully they can both manage without me if I don’t. In the meantime, I’ll keep writing, keep experiencing art in different areas that carry less baggage for me, and most importantly- continue growing in ways I otherwise wouldn’t had I not allowed the branch of film to be pruned from my creative life.

[crasherfly]

End of the Year Preview

Hey all!

So every year I write an End of Year summary on my wordpress where I talk a bit about stuff I’ve experienced over the year in art and culture. It’s mostly centered on anime, but I also talk about video games, music and anywhere else I’ve been centering my time. 

To get ready for this I usually start trying to collect my thoughts in November, rewatching stuff that warrants it and making short lists of things I’ve found particularly impacting over the past year.

This isn’t for me to say “this is what I think is the best!” ‘cuz that’s subjective as hell. It’s more for me to say- this is the stuff that got me excited about living- and I want to make sure you know it exists. My goal is that some of my excitement might catch on to the next person. If I can manage to encourage curiosity in at least one more person, then I think I’ve done a good job.

So with that in mind, here’s what’s on my shortlist for stuff to write about in my End of Year post.

Anime- New Series

Sonny Boy

Mieruko-chan

Life Lessons with Uramichi Oneesan

Akudama Drive

Edens Zero

Anime- Returning Series

Dr. STONE

Zombie Land Saga Revenge

MEGALOBOX: Nomad

Anime- Newly Discovered

City Hunter

Captain Harlock

Boogiepop and Others

Manga

Blade of the Immortal

Berserk

Fist of the North Star

Fruits Basket

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure

Fairy Tail

Video Games

Apex Legends

Danganronpa

Hitman 3

King of Fighters 2002 UM

Back 4 Blood

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Crusader Kings III

Retrospective on Series X and PS5

Music

A State of Trance w/ Armin Van Buuren

Film

Police Story

Hobbies

Alice and the Pale Horse (writing)

Fumos (photography) 

Weight Lifting

Experiences

New Orleans

AEW: Full Gear

Starting a new job.

Purchases

Floor futon and cushions from Takaokaya-Kyoto

I expect the proper end of year post to drop near end of December on my wordpress. Until then, I have a lot to wrap up and plenty to write about. Think I missed something? Hit me up and let me know! I’m finding that 2021 is somehow even harder to remember than 2020 was.

[crasherfly]

Coming Changes

Hi all, 

Tumblr has quickly become the place where I share life updates that are too long for Twitter. By adding an extra click it also helps weed out the folks who maybe aren’t as interested about hearing my persona life. So if you’ve arrived from Twitter, welcome! This is gonna be a post of a more personal nature.

Four years ago I started my life as a tax-adjacent worker. It was a tough gig that involved collecting past due debts, but compared to my work in the nonprofit sector as a salesman, it was a dream. I never meant to spend four years in the position, but COVID has made fools of us all so four years is how it shook out. 

I had ups and downs- mostly downs- but I was able to leverage my experience to finally get a job that is at least slightly less customer facing than my last. Starting in just two days I’ll be heading back to the office- a real, physical office- to learn about a new and exciting world of tax-adjacent stuff that will hopefully be a bit easier on my soul than the last position.

Cool, cool, congratulations, what does this have to do with us? -you might be wondering.

Well, going back to an actual office, learning a new job, and returning back to 5 days of work a week means my online life is going to dramatically alter. It means, by necessity, there are going to be times when I’m straight up not reachable (which is unusual for me) and that there will be spaces where I will be less present.

So I wanted to get ahead of it so that there’s no ambiguity about what’s going on. I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to put some distance between myself and my online spaces. In fact, it’s the opposite. My heart is already grieving the strained connections and missed events, the reduced hours I’ll have to contribute to personal projects, and so forth. This is not going to be an easy couple of months, and I wouldn’t sacrifice this stuff if I didn’t believe that what I’m chasing wouldn’t be worth it. So bear with me.

For Spriteclub, y’all get my first and foremost shoutout because your community has been huge in keeping me sane the past year. It’s likely I won’t be on much during the western hemisphere dayside hours, and my evenings will likely be an occasional tourney and exhibs. I’ll still try to visit every day, but I won’t be a constant presence as I have in the past. I’m hoping this means the times I do visit will feel more special. You’re all welcome to keep up with me in whatever way you choose in the meantime. So- not taking a break- but am anticipating taking a big step back in my presence.

For Twitter, specifically FumosOfCrash- this probably means a whole lot less photos. I’ll still try and say Fumorning when I can, but the big walks and nice outdoorsy photos will probably get dialed back, especially as winter sets in. I’ll try to put my efforts into finding more content to RT and amplify in the meantime.

For my priv handle, I’ll...probably be around more often, lol, since twitter is the rare thing I’ll have more access to in the office than usual.

For Alice and the Pale Horse, I’ll just say I’m going to keep doing my best. Updates will happen on Sunday when I feel like it. Otherwise, I’ll try my best to post SOMETHING most weeks, even if it’s something silly like “Question Corner”. Again, I’ll do my best, but learning a new job is going to be exhausting and I’m going to try and be smart about how hard I’m pushing myself.

For everyone else in my online life- whether its Discord, Twitter, or elsewhere- just know that I’m not disappearing. It’ll seem like I’m around less, but I’ll always just be a message away, even if I take just a little longer to get back to it.

Life won’t be like this forever. It’s my goal to learn my new job as quickly as possible so I can get back to something close to normal- and especially something that gets me back to working from home. 

In the meantime, the best way you can help is by cheering me on! I’m going to do my best so I can come back to y’all with more time (and hopefully $$$) than ever. Until then, I’m going to do my best to prioritize my body and my brain so I can keep things together better than I did in my last probationary employment period.

Okay, that’s all I got. Thanks for reading along and supporting me as friends in my various iterations. You’re all neat <3

[crasherfly]

What the Hell is a Fumo Anyway?

So how did you learn about Fumos?

I don’t know when I first became aware of Fumos. I’d guess it came up in a stream at Spriteclub.tv, where many of the users are fans of the Touhou series, or at least its characters. 

Streams tend to be ground zero for memes, and Fumos have quickly become the flagship meme of the rapidly growing Touhou community. I’m sure what happened was that one user mentioned the word Fumo, and me, being the curious soul that I am, googlged it, and the rest is history.

Since then I’ve obtained 4 of these precious plushies. I’m in the process of obtaining my 5th. I’ve posted hundreds of pictures and a few videos. I’ve dug up my old lighting kit for the first time since my old film days. I’ve made cross country trips and visited landmarks in pursuit of getting pictures of my fumos in unusual or interesting places. And in the meantime, I’ve been learning via trial and error how to become a digital personality in a way I hadn’t before.

What’s the reaction been like?

The results have been decidedly mixed- amongst the Fumo community, my pictures have traveled pretty far, racking up tons of likes and retweets, especially recently as bigger accounts started picking up my work. More engagement means I create more Fumo content, which reached a point where this was pretty much ALL my main account was dedicated to.

The negative side of this is that my IRL friends and mutuals have all but dropped off my Twitter map with the exception of a select few. Weirder still, not only have they not engaged with this latest hobby of mine, but they won’t even like, acknowledge it exists. Like, you’d think there’d be questions about what a grown dude is doing taking pictures of dolls- but nope. Nothing but silence- and a likely place on their mute lists.

But I don’t think I can blame this entirely on Fumos. The same irl people who ignore my Fumo photography also ignored my film work back when I made movies and ignored my writing when I was working on Alice and the Pale Horse. While Fumos are a bit more off the map than those hobbies were, it just goes to show that the first people you should count on for support of your art are total strangers- and the last ones you should be worried about liking your work are the people you actually know irl.

What IS wild to think about is that my fumo work has been shared more widely than anything I’ve ever written or directed. I’m finally being sorta seen! -just...not in a way I ever expected. 

So why did you decide to start playing with dolls???

I’ve always liked cute stuffed things. When I was a kid I had baskets full of stuffed animals. As an adult I have tons of plushies- everything from Club Mocchi Mocchi to pillows. I like soft, smushy things that are in the shape of things I enjoy! So Fumos were an easy sale for me, aesthetically. 

But from a more serious, psychological standpoint- I’d say depression was probably the driving factor. I don’t see many people IRL- I’m a bad initiator, I’m deeply introverted, I don’t have many social skills, I’m not neurotypical and I didn’t make many friends in adulthood. When I started looking into Fumos, I saw this vibrant, deeply positive community that rallied around taking wholesome pictures of plushies out in the world- a world I was pretty scared to get into because of my aforementioned emotional problems as well as the pandemic. 

Fumos gave me an excuse to find courage to get out there and see the world again. Whether it’s a walk down the street or a trip to New Orleans, it is no exaggeration to say that if not for the Fumos, I’d likely still be at home.

But what’s more, Fumos also woke up a creative impulse in me that I’d thought had been dead since I quit making film. I found myself behind a camera again, lighting shots and keeping an eye out for interesting moments to photograph. I kept a Fumo with me everywhere I went just in case I’d find an interesting shot. I felt creatively alive for the first time since maybe college.

So to sum it up, Fumos became a framing lens for me finding the courage and creativity that depression and anxiety had robbed from me during my 20s.

I hear you made a Fumo alt. Why make an alt when your photos were JUST taking off and doing numbers?

Honestly, I was toying with the idea of doing a gimmick account for a while. I just didn’t want to put in the work of managing two accounts. 

A few bigger Fumo accounts found my content this weekend and started RT’ing me, and that’s when I started doing bigger numbers than I’d expected. At first this was fine- the Fumo community, by and large, is really chill, gentle and kind. But like any community, there are fringes that you’d rather not have within a few degrees of separation of your personal life. So Sunday night I decided to lock down my personal account and finally do the thing and create a new alt handle for Fumo-only content called @FumosOfCrash.

The alt is already pulling in decent numbers and followers. I’m reposting a lot of my old content and finally getting it some attention. It’s been fun to watch the numbers go up. I’m a big RPG fan so you know I love that stuff. And I also have the pleasure of not stressing too hard about who is following the alt- I don’t feel like I have to check everyone’s credentials at the door, ya know?

I guess I just got really, really nervous Sunday night about some of my new follows. I’m normally a very private person, and the sudden deluge of followers felt very overwhelming. I try to keep an open mind and stay off of controversial topics in the interest of welcoming all sorts of new people into my life, but there are some places I just can’t travel, and my work was reaching some parts of Twitter I just wasn’t comfortable with. So I took action to protect my personal account while creating a new handle where I could be more public-facing without having the worry about anything goofy carrying over into my real life.

I’ll probably keep my personal locked down for a while until things chill a bit. If you’re a current mutual of mine reading this- don’t worry, we’re good, we’re cool. I have nothing against you or anyone else in the Fumo community. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know my new pals on Twitter and there’s a handful of accounts I’d even go so far as to call my “friends” now, even if we’ve never talked IRL.

So what’s next for you and your Fumos?

Well, currently, we have Sakuya, Marisa, Meiling and Alice. We are currently trying to track down a Reimu, but it hasn’t been easy.

I’ll be reposting my old work to my alt with a few updates a day, as well as retweeting work from my mutuals. I may also start doing videos again. From there, it’s just a question of how high the numbers go. I’d like to think I could get to a thousand followers, even if that number makes my head spin.

But the truth is I’ll post Fumo content for as long as its fun. And then someday, when it stops being fun...I’ll just stop. Who knows, maybe there will be a day where I won’t need the dolls to confidently go out in public or visit a new city? Or maybe this trend will die or the engagement will totally die out. I hope it doesn’t, ‘cuz I’ve really enjoyed it to this point, but all good things have to come to an end.

Until then, I’m just going to have fun, take breaks when I need them, and enjoy wherever this ride takes me!