cravewritings

[cravewritings]

Just because you love me doesn’t mean i feel loved by you

[cravewritings]

My guilt is keeping me up again todAy

I wish i could just stop making mistakes

Everybody always makes it seem like ive hurt them greatly and that im a shitty person for it

Always so quick to blame without a second thought

I always feel like im never understood

Could never communicate with the people around me

Always making it their job to wrong me and guilt trip me

I always regret everything i do to the point where i cannot mentally stand the thought of it anymotr

It pains me everytime i feel it

Rips me apart

Being me is exhausting

Im always influenced by some past thought or past experiences or someone else’s decisions and advice

Ive reached a point where it feels bad to be free

It feels lonely

Unfair

Thats how i view everyone around me

It feels as if i need extra care to be alright again

Every act of non extra caution damaged me deeply

Makes me feel bare and hurt

Unheard and misunderstood

Its as if i need everyone to cherry pick their words and actions around me

Which is a place i hate but deeply need

[cravewritings]

There had been way too many times where i felt as if the whole world was against me, where it felt as if everyone understood something i don’t, where it seemed that i’ve always got it figured out wrong and it seemed depressing because it felt as if that’s the only way its gonna be, i always wanted to understand that one thing everyone understands but i could never understand them and they can never communicate it to me

Up until i reached many mommets of self reflection, i found out things about myself i never knew, and in my new found understanding of that i could finally pinpoint that first off, nothing is wrong with me, second off I’m sensitive as fuck, always feeling like i’m faulted and that im weak because i feel, oppressing every single thought or emotion that comes to me until i can longer understand thoughts or emotions, i only understand tradition.

There had been many many many times where i had been wronged as a kid, so much so i don’t recall times where my rights were met, i can’t imagine even living lavish as other kids, it always felt wrong to have what i was meant to have, to ask for what i needed or even want anything at all, because there had been always a punishment for being human, for wanting toys or messing up things because you’re a fucking kid, you can never be who you are because everything you feel because of who you are is wrong, and not to miss the point, that that threw me so off that i reached a point where i can’t see reason behind other people getting their rights met or their feelings treated properly, i became cold hearted and numb and it hurts to realize that because its the last thing i wanted to be and it wasn’t even my fault.

I always think back to times where a certain thing happened to me from my parents or other family members, it was constant, if i were sitting in the same room as my current self in any situation where my yonger self would’ve been wronged, as an outsider, i would’ve been in rage, i would’ve taken serious action and made sure the parent feels exactly what they inflicted on their kids, sometimes it feels crucial to blame parents because that’s how they were treated and raised, but its so heartbreaking when i see they learned from their mistake and now they care for my other siblings feelings so much and let so much stuff slide and no one cares about righting my scars, i hated the thought of parents at some point, i know its wrong, but who would’ve blamed me? They’re always given a much bigger chair and placement than they can carry, you should always obey them even if they’re fucking you up and leaving literal scars on your body and soul, i used to hate them because of that thought, because they used it to hurt and hurt and scar, never apologetic, never experiencing the type of pain they put on you.

My emotional needs were always met with violence, i was always mistreated and it caused all my social problems, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m becoming self aware I would’ve hurt many people and got myself into so much trouble, i can never let go of my grudge against what’s been done to me and i wish i could, but it’s my only way of protecting myself, its knowing that what happened to me was so wrong it can’t be forgiven, and i can never let it happen to me again, i wish for myself to become better, to stop being in conflict with myself and always feeling that whatever i want or am or become is a sin, no, there’s nothing wrong with me, there had never been.

[cravewritings]

LukeHemmings: 10 years to the day this was posted. 4 albums and 1 beard later, and we’re still here. It’s easy to forget how innocent everything started sometimes. It doesn’t go unnoticed how lucky I am to write and play music for a living. Thanks for sticking around and here’s to 10 more years with the boys and hopefully some biceps in the near future.

[cravewritings]

a girl has been having a writer’s block for so long it became a lifestyle 

[cravewritings]

Sis forgot this one

i’m fine really..

[cravewritings]

fouille | part.1

——————————————

Word count: +4000 requested: no. warnings: cuss words, sexual content. pairing: ashton/reader summary: basically sub!ash. A/N: IM BACK BITCHES, this is something i’ve been working on for a while now, I hope I’m not the only one who gets all hot and bothered by the thought of ashton tied up to the bed and begging for friction, so here it is! Please keep in mind that english is not my first language also this is not edited.

Enjoy!

~~

Ashton comes home to a quiet apartment. Frowning, he walks over to the closed bedroom door and freezes when his hand almost touches to door knob, his frown deepen when he hears male moans.

“Mistress please let me come, I’m begging you.” The voice moans, sounding very needy and very-very close.

“What the actual fuck?” he opens the door to see his girlfriend sitting down her back against the headboard of the bed with her phone in her hands that’s bursting out a loud man’s moans.

She jumps when she sees him at the door and tries to silence her phone but it’s too late, he had already heard it. They stare at each other, each of them not knowing what to say or do, Ashton gulps and moves forward one step, closing the door behind him and facing it, giving her his back.

He clears his throat loudly.

“Are you cheating on me?” he asks and turns around, his face holds a look of pure sadness and pain and she gulps.

She shakes her head.

“Then was it?” he asks.

“Audio porn,” She answers.

Now he’s amused, “is this really her thing? Very kinky.” He thinks; he keeps a straight face.

“So,” starting, “audio porn, huh?” his feet move so he’s standing at the end of the bed, Ashton gets a closer look at her, noticing that she’s not wearing any pants and that her panties are a little damp, she pulls her legs together when she notices his hard stare, “submissive men?”

Her words aren’t there anymore; does this count as cheating someway? Is he mad? Her back straitens and she sits up a little, trying to gain more confidence. She swallows and looks him dead in the eye.

“Yes.” It comes out stronger than she meant it to, and she feels good about it, “you’re never there and I wanted to…” searching for words, “explore.”

He hums, looking at her with amusement, he’s not mad at her but he’s just curious about what she had been thinking, and he’s also very thankful that she’s not cheating on him.

“So you go around and explore with the internet,” he places one knee on the bed, “Kinky much.” He rasps.

And she gulps once again.

Ashton has both his hands and knees on the bed and is crawling towards her, and she feels her body heating up at the sight of her boyfriend’s hungry stare, making his way between her legs as she spreads them, both her hands holding her up behind her back on the sheets.

“And how do you find submissive men? Like them in anyway?” he smirks, purring.

“They’re okay,” she starts, moving her arm and placing her phone on the night stand, “But do you know what I would really like?” she asks.

“What?”

“You, tied up to this very bed, begging for me to let you come, or at least untie the blindfold on your eyes so you can watch me as I tease you,” her words move something in him and he feels his cock twitching in his briefs.

His demander had turned from being confident and playful, to nervous and needy real fucking quick.

“Oh yeah,” he tries to gain back some confidence, “but the question here is, would you actually pull it off?”

“You wanna watch me, big boy? Wanna be completely at my mercy? Huh, is that what you want?” she places her hands at the inside of his elbows, and push so he’s leaning even more into her and she lays down with him between her legs, above her own body.

“I’m all yours.”

And that’s all she needs, flipping them over so she’s on top and straddling his hips, taking her time with him she leans down very slowly towards his lips, stopping right by them.

“Do you know the rules or do I have to tell you?” her breath fans his face and he feels drunk, too needy because it’s been so long since he’d actually had enough time to have her.

“Tell me,”

“You don’t dare move until I tell you, don’t even place your hands on me or disobey me, because I won’t spank you like the naughty boy you are, oh no I won’t because I know you’ll find pleasure in that, I will make you suffer even more than you’re going to, I’m going to make you wish for release and never find it, so try not to make it worse for yourself, okay?”

“Okay.” He gulps.

“Mistress,” She corrects him.

“Okay,” he feels excited, “okay mistress.”

“Good boy.” She praises him and he swore he’d never felt pleasure by words before until now, it’s almost physically pleasurable to hear the praise coming out of her lips and he moans softly.

Her lips are so close to his and he almost moves up to kiss her but stops himself, he feels her hips moving against his but very slowly, he swallows and looks at her eyes, taking note of how she’s watching him and waiting for his reaction.

Her teasing is getting a little bit too much as she keeps moving her hips against his tortuously slow, and he can’t hold back as he places his hands on her hips and moves her against him faster, he moans at the pleasure and feels her hands touching his, moving them above his head.

He looks at her with pleading eyes and notices her smirk, she moves her hips a little faster and he moans very quietly, wanting to push his hips up to hers but not wanting to disobey her.

“Please, mommy.” The pet name sends her into frenzy, she feels her pussy walls tightening at the name and she almost gives in but she shakes herself out of it.

“Get undressed.” She orders standing up; she moves over to her drawers and pulls out two of her scarves, one to tie his hands to the bed, and the other to hide his sight if he gets naughtier.

She pulls her shirt and panties off, turning around just in time to see him sit on the bed – fully naked – as he tries to compose himself.

Ashton had never felt so exposed in his life, he feels his body warming up as he sees her approach him with only her bra on, and he feels that warmth spreading down through his body and going straight to his cock, she stands right in front of him as he sits on the bed, he’s eye level with her breasts and tries so hard not to reach out and touch and lick them.

So he stares at them, loving how snug the bra looks holding her breasts so well, he wasn’t really sure if he could ever feel jealous of a bra but now he is, very jealous that is, wanting to hold her breasts in his hands as he licks and caress them with everything he has, wanting so bad to just lick those nipples and the valley of her breasts as she moans for him to bite her.

She places the scarves on the nightstand and straddles him, daring him with her eyes to place his hands on her body, she knows so well that when she’s straddling his hips he just loves to hold her waist, and she smirks when she sees his hands fisting the sheets. She places her hands around his shoulders and moves her face closer to his, arching her back so her breasts are touching his chest.

“Do you wanna touch me?” she asks, and he nods, “how badly?”

“So fucking bad,” he moans.

She hums, her hands go to his shoulders for support as she moves her hips against him, titling her head to the side when his eyelids get heavier, and his lips part, she almost smiles when she pushes down harder against his cock so his balls are squeezed against the bed and his cock and he moans.

“Feel good?” her voice never sounded this damn good to his own ears, he nods and looks at her breasts once more.

His hands are supporting his body behind him, he wants so badly to thrust up into her or hold her body in his hands but he scolds himself before he even moves, remembering her words from earlier.

She pushes her body harder against his, feeling his hot flesh against hers as she moves her hips against him, she warps one arm around his neck and the other she places on his chest, loving the feeling of his heartbeat against it, she gets her lips so close to his, teasing him even more as he moans in desperation, his hands hold the sheets harder than ever before and his toes curl, needing things to move faster and her lips against his.

He leans his head a little closer to hers but the same amount of space that he had eaten she had moved back, and he moves forward again but she keeps moving away from him.

“Please,” his voice shakes.

Her movements stop all at once and he groans, his eyes are wider now looking at her like she’s his only hope – probably is – and she surprises him by standing up, and looks him dead in the eyes, places her left foot on the bed next to his hip, one of her hands move to the inner thigh of her left leg and she traces it up and down.

“Don’t you wish this was your hand, baby, and not mine?” she bits her lip, she watches the way his eyes roam her whole body and stops at her pussy, he fights the argue to reach out and touch it or to push his face against it and lick the juices that are dripping down her right leg.

He nods his head, his cock pulsing so hard, he watches as her hand moves closer to her pussy and she stops right before it, she’s not touching it but she’s hovering her own hand over it, she’s teasing him by teasing herself, and she have never felt so powerful in her life, she’s liking the feeling maybe a little too much.

“Poor thing,” she smirks, “do you need mommy’s juices, baby? Do you want to explore her pussy the way you love so much?” her dirty talk is what keeps him going as he feels the blood rushing to his cock with every single word she’s saying.

Her hand moves to her right breast, she holds it in her hand but not quite doing anything with it, and he gulps, ready to watch the show she’s about to give him, she squeezes and moans as she goes, watching his eyes watch her, she squeezes harder and harder until she feels herself literally dripping, her other hand moves to her left breast and now she’s got both of her hands squeezing her own breasts.

“Oh baby,” her words are dragged as she moans loudly, closing her eyes in pleasure as she feels the cold air on her pussy.

One of her hands fly to her pussy lips and she rubs two of her fingers up and down her folds, the way she does it from his point of view seems so fucking sexy, her fingers seem to dip inside her from where he’s sitting but she’s only rubbing herself, the top pads of her fingers rest on her clit, moving in circles as her other hand squeezes her breast every now and then, her eyes are heavy-lidded and her lips are hanging open, she throws her head back when she moves her fingers faster and moans his name, making his whole body shiver in need and lust as he watches her.

Ashton is sitting before her feeling as helpless as ever, and horny as ever, too. He wants nothing more than to reach his tongue out and smack her folds together with his sucking lips, she looks so good he finds pleasure in it; his cock is starting to hurt a little even though he hadn’t been properly touched, yet. He spreads his legs a little to try and relive the ache, exposing more of his cock for her eyes to see.

She notices the way he looks larger than usual and she loves it, the way his cock looks makes her feel good, as if it’s bringing her physical pleasure, she so badly want to touch his sensitive cock, have it resting heavily and snug against her hungry tongue. But she won’t give in just yet.

“You want this body, don’t you? Want this dripping pussy all over your face and cock? Uuuhhh baby if you were a good boy you would have had all of this as your playground,” she moans, her voice does things to him, “but you’re a bad boy, Ashton.” She finishes.

Her fingers move away from her clit and move to her hole, without hesitation she pushes two of her fingers in, feeling her knee buckling as if she’s going to fall.

“I’ve needed this – oh fuck – for such a long time,” she groans loudly, throwing her head back and squeezing her breast harder, her hips move forward to meet the movement of her fingers. “But you’re just never here anymore, you’re always so busy, finding something else el occupy yourself with, always so fucking distracted from me,”

She keeps moving her finger in and out of herself and Ashton just feels as if he’d lost track of the count of her thrusts, she moans and shakes and her facial expressions are just something else, he moves his hands to his thighs, almost touching his own cock but not really, he looks at her fingering herself so fast and just wants to suck on her clit, just be a part of the pleasure she’s receiving.

“And that drives me insane, baby, makes me so needy,” she looks at him, “you’re such a fucking tease, Ashton, and tonight you only get a taste of what I’ve been through.”

“Mommy,” his tone is so needy she opens her eyes and looks at him, her fingers slowing down, “can I please touch you?” he begs.

She looks at him as if he hadn’t said anything, she moves her finger faster now, looking at him and deciding to just wait and see what he’s going to do, she moans form the deepest parts of her chest and his cock twitches.

“Mommy, please,” He begs, his arms rising for a moment to rest by her leg next to him but he stops once he remembers her rules earlier before making contact with her.

“You’re gonna be a good boy for me, Ashton, aren’t you?” she smiles and moans, throwing her head back, placing her hand on the wall next to the bed for balance.

“Yes, can I please touch you,” his voice sounds so innocent, but his words are so sinful.

His eyes are pleading so hard, she looks at him with hungry eyes, there’s nothing she wants more than to straddle that pretty face of his, suffocate him with what he loves and craves so much, but she decides against it with everything she has, smirking a little before pulling out her fingers from her pussy.

“Open up,” her fingers are just hovering before his lips, the anticipation is evident in both  of their eyes as he opens his mouth, letting her fingers in as they sink into the soft flesh of his tongue and he closes his eyes at the taste, sucking hard on her fingers as if they’re her pussy’s lips.

He lets out a moan that sends the blood rushing all through her body and down to her core, his hand moves up to hold her wrist to move her fingers in and out of his hungry lips, sucking on them with everything he has.

Eventually she pulls her fingers out of his lips as he leans into them once she has pulled back, he groans at the loss of contact as she smirks once more, pushing him by the shoulders to lie back as she straddles his hips but never touching his skin with hers, his hands shot up to hold her hips out of habit and she leans down towards his face, getting so close to his lips as she almost kisses him, but leans down on the last second and kisses his chin, jaw, and moving downward to his neck, sucking bruises on it as his lips hang open at the contact, loving the rush of blood that shoots through his body.

He feels the adrenaline pumping through his veins at the thought of behaving badly, being a bad boy, disobeying his mommy’s orders, and he moans at the thought of being punished. He had never knew that side existed in him, he never really tried to go outside of the box and go this far but now that chance is offered to him on a silver plate, fuck is he going to take it.

Her lips move downward and plant a very gentle kiss on his collar bones, kissing his left side and then the right, taking her time with him at the wrong time, he needs her too bad for her to just tease him even more, his hips thrust into the air as she sucks on his collar bones, he tends to get very sensitive there, and his neck too.

Her hands move to his chest and pushes herself up to a sitting position as he looks up at her, feeling the warmth that had once enveloped him withdraw with her body as she smirks down at him.

“Let’s tie you to the bed now, shall we?” she’s already moving off of him and onto her feet, not waiting for an answer as he shuffles his way up to the headboard.

He won’t admit it but even though he seems to be in torture he’s loving every minute of it, he’s hoping that she would tease him so bad that his cock would hurt from being so hard for such a long time, he wants to feel the restrains of a cold metal cock ring against his own as he whimpers and begs for release.

The thought alone was enough to make him breathe hard as his mind clouds with possibilities, he’d watch as she moves to straddle him once more and takes a hold of both of his hands, moving them up to the headboard and ties them there with one of her scarves, when she’s done with his hands she moves on top of him a little to reach for the other scarf, the one she brought for his eyes.

“Mistress, please no.” a whimper his heard from below her as she smirks once more, enjoying his submissiveness more than she probably should, and he whines once more when she pushes her pelvic against his, hard.

“I call the shots here,” she rasps in his ear, already moving her hands around his head and tying the scarf against his eyes, completely blocking his sight from the world. “This should help you anyway, makes you focus on what you’re feeling better.”

She leans back and admires him, looking so venerable and desirable, just laying there waiting for her to make a move, wanting so bad to just feel her walls hugging his thickness.

“You look so good like this, baby.” She complements, and he almost moans when she runs her hands down his body, feeling every chest hair and every muscle under her fingers, loving the feeling of his skin against her hands and him the same.

Her hands reach his hips and they rest there, just on either side of his full cock, begging for her attention as she sits between his legs, her hands supporting her as she leans own, kissing his chest, and moving down very slowly. He moans when she bites his nipple and pulls back, throwing his head back and thrusting his hips into the open air, feeling as warm as ever with her hands so close to him.

Lips moving lower and lower, taunting him as he breathes hard, waiting patiently for her to make a move, her hands move down and towards his thighs, moving up and down very smoothly, his skin aching for her to move faster as her hands move to the inner parts of his thighs, and he lifts his legs up; involving her between them as she runs her hands up and down his inner thighs, his breathing is getting heavier by the minute as she kissing right next to his cock, sucking on the area hard, not stopping until it turns purple and moves downward, leaving  trail of blue, red and purple right next to his cock resting on his stomach.

“You’re salty as fuck, darling,” her words stir something in him as he growls at her words, wanting so badly to move her head against his cock, and just fuck her mouth, hear the ganging sounds and feel the smoothness of her saliva against his cock.

She looks at him, smirking, she knows exactly what she's doing to him, that feeling of overpower he gives her, she knows they both get off of it, it drives them both wild.

 Her hands stop their moving when they reach his aching balls, she loves the sight of his cock so hard and just… ready. The precum lies on his stomach, so teasing, almost as if it’s demanding attention.

Small fingers move to his balls, touching very softly as he holds his breath, her fingers crawl higher, tracking his cock softly until they reach the very sensitive tip, she moves her fingers against his tip in circular movements, moaning softly and begging as she blows air on his shaft, teasing him some more.

"I feel bad for you, darling," her voice raspy as fuck.

He just quivers, feeling  as she starts tracing his cock, so fucking sensual.

"would you like me to take care of you?" she licks her lips, "suck this cock right for you, make it ache with my saliva and your cum, baby?"

"Please," he breathes.

With a smirk she gets to work, taking the tip of his cock into her mouth, so wet and ready for his taste, he bites his lips at the sight, she starts licking his tip and sucking it as her hands fists the rest of him, rubbing him up and down ever so slowly, every now and then looking him in the eye.

"Do you think you deserve this treat, baby?" she rasps as she strokes him.

"Yes," he moans.

"I don't," she says and withdraws all contact, standing on her knees between his legs.

He throws his head back; it's so fucking frustrating that he's aching everywhere, from both arousal and annoyance.

She places her hands on his knees and slides them all the way up to his chest, straddling him and leaning down so close to his lips.

"Have I ever told you how much I love the taste of your lips?" he shakes his head, "'cause I adore it, drives me insane." Her face is hovering above his, like a predator, breathing so close to him and driving him insane.

"Mommy," his voice is so fucking needy it drives her mad, "can I kiss you,"

She says nothing and leans down to meet his lips, sucking and licking as if she's starved for his taste, her hands hold his face and it's the most romantic kiss for the most kinky situation ever.

"Your poor, needy thing," she pulls away, sitting finally on his cock, he shivers, she's so fucking wet it's driving him mad and he can't help but thrust up into her hips, rocking her up and down a little, her lips part a little and her back arches, his thrusts are so slow and senual and he can't help but moan, loving the feeling of her so wet and hot.

She lifts up her hips away from him and he moans, she smirks, sits back down again and he starts thrusting again, staying like that for a little while, and then repeating.

She laughs as he groans deeply, loving the feeling of power that he gives her so much she's actually tortouring him.

"Do you think I'll let you cum today, baby?" she questions him.

He moans in response, too high off the feeling of her touching him to even respond.

"I honestly don't think I will." She stops her movements, he feels her standing up, "I think I'll leave you like this for a little while," she chuckles.

"No, mommy, please," he begs, he has no idea where she is or where she's going, "I'll be a good boy, I promise."

He's only met with the sound of the door closing.

———

ayyyyyyyy part two will be out in a few hours

[cravewritings]

server!michael au

server!michael au where he’s working your cousin’s wedding he goes to hide and drink in a closet but you’re already there and during the reception you sneak off to fuck. This is dirty read at ur own risk lmao.

Includes: Pain kink, orgasm denial, dirty talk, smut,

Word count: upwards of 5k

As soon as the red head starts knocking on the door of the kitchen closet, you freeze up thinking it’s one of your siblings or parents but when you slowly creek open the door you see the pants of someone who is far from family. You hesitantly push open the door and ask the tall boy, “who are you?”

“I’m Michael, and I’ve got alcohol.” He says and pushes the door open more with his foot and sliding inside.

“Okay I guess you can join me,” you would slide over and pat the ground next to you. Your red dress would be pooled around you and his position had him leaning against the wall opposite of you with his legs laying over some of the fabric.

“Why’d you run out?” Michaels voice is soft and hesitant, almost as if he’s scared you’ll banish him from your hidden spot.

“It’s stupid, my parents prefer my siblings over me. All of them being more successful that I, and having long term partners and plans for kids and marriage. I don’t even know which college I’m going to.” After your short rant he moved closer to you and was rubbing your calf.

“I know what you mean, I was in my second year of college and dropped out within a month. It’s not what I want, I want to be in a band. That’s stupid, right?” He let out a shaky breath and opened one of the bottles of whiskey he had smuggled out of the party and took a gulp before passing it over to you.

Keep reading

[cravewritings]

All our generation wants is a small apartment and a spouse that loves them back.

[cravewritings]

“Everyone deserves a second chance but not for the same mistake”

— (via hatin)

[cravewritings]

i wanna call this stage a happy one, i like to think of my life as a stair case, and this step is tipically edgy, this is a step that defines if ill go back down the stairs or rise up anothet step and finish the most important part of my life, both ends of the stairs are death, if i rise up too high and reach the last step that means ill die successful, and if i reach the start of the stairs that means that ill die idk how to call it.. but not so successful, at least not the way i want.

this is post is a random one

[cravewritings]

GONE

i miss him so much, i miss the smell of coffee in the morning along with his perfume scattered all over my sheets making that beautiful combination that i can only address as “him”.

there are times when i would be so grateful to have him, i would be so grateful to have him i would find the small manly gestures he made so heartwarming, oh god why did he run away?

was it my personality? was he starting to hate the way i look? 

i don’t think it’s anything to do with my looks. 

i miss the way his tone would soften and drop lowly when we would fight and he would notice the tears brimming in my eyes, he would come closer to me, hold both my wrists, kiss my hands and apologize even though it was my mistake. 

he was never cruel to me, i think he got tired of spoiling me, or maybe he thought he was too valuable for me, not to petty myself or anything but there are girls out there that are much prettier than me, maybe he found one that he thought deserved his affection more than me.

i didn’t fall in love with him though, i just loved the thought of all that attention, and i miss it so much, when i would think of him my mind would automatically go to the word ‘care’, he was so careful with everything around him not just me.

i would love it when he would spoil me with his attention, when he would cancel things just to spend more time in my presence, it makes me feel so special, like a dream that i never woke up from.

all his promises of never letting go faded away like smoke out of a burning candle, it felt exactly like it,, one day the candle is gonna die, taking away all the affection and care and the things that i’m not ready to search for again.

i miss the way he would loom around me, teasing me, pretending like i’m not there and driving me mad, he would chuckle at my anxious huffs and puffs, he would lick both of his thumbs and rub them on the sides of my lips as he cups my cheeks with his hands, a turn on i myself didn’t know i had. he would take off his shoes and the first thing he would look for are my arms, like a big baby who spent a long day away from his mommy.

there are many times when i felt like he needed my care and affection as much as i needed his, i would never deny him that, i thought we were gonna be happy forever, finally, a couple who care for each other without any fears of loosing each other or the other turning their back away, but apparently i was wrong. 

i don’t know where he is now, he left a letter confirming he left by choice but never telling me his motive, i left my sadness to the time, to take it away.

after all we were never in love, we just stopped knowing that what we hand wasn’t eternal, we wasted what we had, and now it’s gone.

[cravewritings]

i lack of inspiration, i fell in love once, or i think i have. i know i didn't love him enough to fight for him, but i loved him enough that whenever i see his face my lungs would loose all air in them.

you know when they talk about the butterflies that people get when they get happy, they talk about it like its a good thing, right? well, they fucking suck. when i get them i feel like i'm a gonna be sick, i don't know if they're those butterflies or if i had diarrhea, such a funny thought that is, he makes me wanna shit myself when i see him, that's how much ii love him.

how romantic.

i gulp as i write these words, i never experienced something like this, and this is my first time facing those words and sharing them with an anon person hoping those words would do me any justice, i know me and him aren't destined, i now we're not gonna get married. there's that thing deep inside me though, whenever i try to forget about him, or get over him by telling myself that he hates me or doesn't like me anymore or just really hates me (again), that voice inside me tells me opposite. i want to kill that voice, it keeps defending him, it makes me feel week, like i’m never gonna get over him and never be happy again, i tried yelling at it, i imagine it as if there's two of me, one that translates his actions as any rational person would, and that other one that tells me quite the opposite.

see, we used to know each other better than anyone, i know him better than he knows himself, but lately we have drifted apart, it had been going around for two years or a year and a half - i keep gulping - i had it coming anyways, sometimes i think that he's changes, so much that i don't even know hiim anymore, and some other times i know that i know him, and he's still that person that i had met all these years back. 

and that's why i have two voices, it took all the courage in me to tell him about my true feelings, his answer wasn't that satisfying, it made me believe that there's nothing left of us to be continued, it made me feel like we're ended without any real goodbye. 

i have read and heard so many times that what hurts the most is never getting a chance to say goodbye, but how can i say goodbye when we're drifted apart, i want to say goodbye and never see his face again, never hear of him again, but i know i'm gonna meet him one day, and we're gonna have to be forced to talk to each other whether we like it or not.

but i don't want that, it's like we stopped talking, right? and i keep having this voice in my head that tells me to tell him that everything is over, even though there had been nothing left of us to end. plus, i have started so many conversations with him that he had shown no interest in that it's embarrassing to start one now.

i mean seriously, can you even imagine how shitty it would be?

-umm, hi, i'm just calling to let you know that i don't wanna talk to you ever again.

-what the fuck? whose number iis this?

see? wouldn't go down so well, i like to leave it to the universe, i hope that one day when i get over him i would be so happy that he would seem like some wasted energy, like when you think back to your old self and think "i was so stupid!" i wanna feel that someday, i wanna experience those feelings with someone that actually returns them to me if not more.

i leave it to the universe because one day, i'm gonna meet him again, when i'm so satisfied with my life that i wouldn't recognize him at first site, and then i would smile at him, and walk away, no wasted time spent on inappreciable conversations.

the reason I’m writing this is because i think it would help me get over him, and that’s it this note is over. bye.

[cravewritings]

let’s get this bitch back in business 

[cravewritings]

seriously of you have read that ran post i love you

[cravewritings]

update:that bomb is still ticking

goodnight

[cravewritings]

today i heard a bomb ticking, out in the street, and thought to myself - tears running down my cheeks, "this is it, this is how I'm gonna die." and for a moment there i felt content, finally I'm gonna leave this back-clawing life. now I know its mot the best way to go, but then that idea seemed perfect. i wanna take a moment to explain how my life is, for a quick second. I'm happy, thats for sure, but there are curtain times where curtain things happen that make me wanna just drop cold, not die no, but just stop everything for a minute, not be able to hear or think or just receive anything or feel, to be completely content and just hear the silence of the world around me and for my mind to be at peace and not be surrounded by the smokes and clouds of gloomy depressing thoughts that cause mere depression that feels like a fucking weigh on my back, i wanted to black out. but at that time it seemed like it was the most impossible thing to be granted, and that ticking bomb that i heard would stop for a few seconds and my chest would be filled with air that comes with a gift thats called hope, only for nothing to happen and be met with the snores of my sleeping sister and the smell of my cat's mouth that smells like the last thing it ate, i wanted the bomb to explode because i knew it wouldn't cause much damage - it cant be that bad, right? - but it would at least drop a building next to us, and maybe then i thought that my parents (mom) would realize how close she was to losing me, and would stop taking me for granted, i wanted everyone around me to feel how important i am to them. not bragging though, because i know im important to some people, i know they would cry when im gone, i know it. but why would they have to make me reach that point of thinking, why cant they just show me how much i mean to them, always wanted to feel the attention of the ones i love. thats one thing down. second thing is that i straight ass dead hate my family, and i know some out there are suffering depression, or dealing with insecureness, or having trouble cooping with their social life or work or whatever they're having trouble cooping with. but never feeling accepted into your own family, always feeling like an outsider and how much of a burden you are to them? now thats fucking depressing. i have always hated the way my mother treats me, its so bad that at some point i have doubted our relativity. how i said i feel like a burden before? thats because she never fails to make sure i receive that feeling from her, she always makes me feel like im the reason behind all her suffering, for real though i dont remember conceiving myself and then giving birth. whenever i share a secret with her she makes it feel like a the world is ending, like mom im talking to this boy, she turns it into a lecture about how much of a slut i am? and its not the kind of lecture you get bored of, no, its the one where you feel so much self pity you just wanna slap her fucking teeth out of her mouth. that thought gives me a rush. today i got so close to experimenting an anxiety attack because of her. i know im not the best when it comes to hard working - and as noted she always reminds me of that one, too - and today i had been sitting in the kitchen, studying and listening to music, none of these two seem like a big deal, i mean way to go to me making progress yay! but with the corner of my eye i can see the door to her room opening, and i see her get out (for some reason fear clawed inside my chest). she goes to the bathroom and i think to myself that maybe tonight shes gonna pass the opportunity of giving me shit about everything, and as she gets out of the bathroom i see her walk until shes standing next to me and she taps on my shoulder, removing my head phones i prepare myself for the words i know so well. she starts talking about how much pain im causing her and that she can feel her blood boiling and she started wishing that she would die because im such a disappointment, right? she keeps talking and talking and i swore her face contorts into some shape of madman and it gets harder to look at, i always hate looking at her when she gets on with it, she said words this time that made me wonder what the fuck have i done to listen to this? what did i do to her that hurt her so bad that she would actually wish to sleep and never wake up? she said it before me that she feels like her heart is on fire from how angry she feels and she wishes it would drop out of her chest so she can finally be free. i felt so restricted, she didnt like the way i studied that time, said that it was all an act when i asked her what i did. i went to my room and i could feel my hatred for the way she treats me and her personality in general grow, it grew so much i felt it coursing through my body, i hated how she made me force myself to sleep when i had an exam the next day, i know that how i study isnt that much serious but it was literally one time. i cried so hard, i felt my heart rate quicken and i couldnt catch my breath, i couldnt make much noise because everyone around me is asleep, she always makes me feel like im not good enough and always talks to me about how much of a bad person i am, to be honest i dont remember hurting her, in fact i hate talking to her, when she started criticizing everything i do, and i wanted sometimes to reach out and tug her tongue out of her mouth so maybe then she would stop being such a full mouth. i cried so much that my eyes went dry, i hoped that i would just vanish from all of this, every night when i go to sleep i would dream of myself running and running until i fall asleep, it felt peaceful to just run from all my unsolvable problems and not think about them, but when i tried to sleep a few minuets ago that thought seemed exhausting, instead i pictured myself laying on a void floor, looking up into a grey wall. everything around me was clear of all color, instead was shaped grey, i couldnt close my eyes anymore and opened them, stared at the ceiling for a while before deciding on writing this maybe it will help clear my mind a little. i so badly wished for my other life to be better, i hoped when i get older i would be free from all of this madness and retardation and just escape it all, i wanted to have kids just to i can raise them in a better environment than the one im growing in right now, i would provide then everything they need, i wouldnt have them at a time when i wouldnt afford to keep them and then blame them for the fact that growing a living soul is expensive, i would release all those scars that are inside me because of her on being good to another being of my own, just so i can feel better about myself, that i raised this one better than i had been. i would brag to myself about how much effort i put into this baby and how much it grew to be better than i am, i wouldnt use the secrets they tell me against them when we get into an argument, i would never ever do anything so when they look at their friends' parents they would feel jealous or wish they had a family like the one that friend has, i would provide them everything they need and i would make sure that i would have them at a time when i am able to afford raising them, i would be their closest friend and make coming home to them seem like a joyful action, i would make the idea of getting up in the morning and spending time with me sound pleasant, not sleep twelve hours to avoid my angry ass face. i honestly dont know how to finish this but even though i have so much more to say my eyes are getting heavier, just took a deep breath and feel much better about myself.