crazyexmormon

[crazyexmormon]

The weirdness of grieving your entire culture is hard to describe. I talk about church stuff with nevermo friends sometimes, but I really don't think they can quite understand. The church is horrible but the people are my family and my hometown and my culture. To me the rot at the core of it is a tragedy more than it's anything else. It's something terrible that twists everything around it until it makes you sick to think about. It touched every part of me for so long, and in many way still does. I can't cut it out without killing a bit of myself.

[crazyexmormon]

There's something about atheism that I've repeatedly tried and failed to put into words on several posts on this blog but I think I finally got it.

Atheists are the only religious minority who, even (or sometimes even *especially*) in ostensibly progressive spaces are not allowed to ever act like they're sure of their beliefs.

[crazyexmormon]

One thing I've had a hard time explaining to my still very active Mormon family is that the queer community still experiences hurt from the church and its members. And because of that, they may distance themselves from anyone who is still an actively practicing member.

My sil is frustrated that at UVU people see she's active and assume she's homophobic. My mom is hurt on behalf of her friend who's child is obviously transitioning but won't come out to her. My brother doesn't understand why it took me an entire year and being two states away to tell him I was queer.

These are not isolated incidents. The Mormon church actively is against queer people, talks are being given from the pulpit about how we are sinful and fallen creatures. So no, we won't run to you with open arms. That is the baseline queer people start with in regards to the Mormon church. You have to do the work to show us you are trustworthy and safe. And until that happens, queer people will be hesitant and weary and I get you think that sucks but your church is bigoted and you cannot blame people for not wanting to come out to you instantly even when "you can tell".

[crazyexmormon]

exmormon curse of knowing exactly where your family comes from. but the only reason they wanted to know was to baptize dead people.

I can trace my family line back to the cities these people were born in, but no one bothered to preserve any traditions or culture.

[crazyexmormon]

Me, after growing up in a cult: damn why am I so weird and unstable and don’t know how to interact with the world

[crazyexmormon]

@stvksn on ig

[crazyexmormon]

ballerina farm devastates me because y'all don't know how many girls i know who are her. how i almost was her. how so many girls i know were almost her. how many i know that will still become her. mormon girls, who, despite all their ambitions, will give up every one of their dreams for a man and a "traditional" lifestyle they were taught they needed, and call it equal. who will insist that he made sacrifices too. that though it's not what she wanted she's happy. being raised as a mormon girl in utah, or being a young woman converting to mormonism, you're taught that no matter where you go or what you achieve that you'll never be nothing more than your future husband. that your only purpose is to be a mother and a wife. and that full ride to julliard never mattered. and it never will. because you're a wife now. and you have eight kids to take care of. and a ballet studio that never came to be because it's a schoolroom. and your husband won't pull his weight even when you're fainting and bedridden from exhaustion. and your husband refuses to leave the room for your interview. and you admit to your epidural like it's a secret and it's something to be ashamed of. and you admit that this was never the life you wanted, this was never what you planned, and you still insist your happy. i know dozens of little girls who dreamed of being ballerinas. doctors. scientists. singers. movie stars. lawyers. authors. astronauts. olympians. i know that those little girls are now young women who go to church every sunday. wives. mothers. homemakers. caretakers. nuturers. fulfilling their heavenly duty. their obligation to their husband. i know a dozen hannah neeleman's. i know her because i almost was her. i know her because i see her in my mother and my grandmother and her mother too. and right now she's an internet trend who will disappear for most people in a couple months. you probably never learned her name. but i see hannah neeleman in every girl i grew up going to church with. in all the 18 year old wives and 20 year old first time moms. and it will be hard to forget the way her face still lights up whenever she gets to dance. feet moving along the hard wood of the schoolroom floor. and she will be someone more than her husband, more than a mother or a wife.

[crazyexmormon]

fuck/marry/kill father son holy spirit

That's one guy, you fucking shit

[crazyexmormon]

[crazyexmormon]

Been getting a weird kinda nostalgia recently. I go on a lot of Wikipedia rabbit holes, and I always seem to wind up on the pages about mormonism. Its such a weird feeling, like simultaneously having such intimate knowledge of a topic and learning something completely new about it. I can’t remember even once being taught that church leaders disagreed on anything, but they did, there’s a thousand different opinions on fucking everything! To be fair, I was 14 when I deconverted, so maybe it would’ve been taught if I’d been around for the more mature stuff. Part of me wishes I had stuck around to learn all that. Nowadays I keep finding that I’m forgetting minor details about mormonism I used to know instinctively. It’s weirdly sad.

And sometimes you learn about alternate interpretations that just. Hit you in such a specific way. Some mormon feminists view Heavenly Mother as the Holy Ghost. Did you know that? I sure didn’t. People were excommunicated for that. Reading about Heavenly Mother in general feels like a god I was robbed of. I don’t believe in any of it, but I wish I’d been able to believe in her, at least. I knew about her growing up, of course, and I know my mom has a lot of thoughts about her, some of which she’s shared — I remember her telling me years ago that she thought god didn’t want her to be as prominent in order to protect her from blasphemy. I don’t know if she still believes that. I wish I’d grown up believing in the Holy Ghost as a Heavenly Mother. I don’t know if it would’ve changed much materially, but it feels so right, I can’t explain it more than that.

Not to mention all the primary songs and Mormon movies and books and phone games. And the magazines, and the file folder games for sacrament meeting. I realized recently I still have the 11th article of faith memorized. I have some other ones partially down, but that one is word for word. I remember how all the primary kids would gather outside the bishop’s office after church waiting to recite the articles of faith in exchange for candy. I always liked the 11th cuz it started with claim instead. I remember when they introduced the song versions of them, how my mom hated them cuz the tune felt so random.

I don’t know. It’s just sad how much of your childhood is bittersweet looking back. It’s sad to be cut off from your culture; no matter how horrible that culture may be, it’s still a foundational part of me. I can’t be Mormon again, but I can’t have never been one either. It’s weird to live in the middle ground.

[crazyexmormon]

Stupid mormon nostalgia hitting again. I hate how many hymns I still feel such an instinctive fondness for. Part of me feels like maybe I still have a god living in my head and if im not carefully he’ll come back

[crazyexmormon]

every time you SIN you gain ONE SINPOINT. i SIN frequently and gain SINPOINTS often because i am not gentle or kind. i buy perfume that smells like wolves

[crazyexmormon]

The Rapture etc. whatever but I think my favorite piece of Christian misinformation is how people started to explain away the "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God" line by saying "actually, there was a gate in 1st century Jerusalem called the Eye of the Needle Gate, and people had to take everything off their camel to make it crawl through the small gate only for camels, but they would go back for their possessions, which means it's not impossible for rich people to go to Heaven, it's just really hard, and they don't have to give up anything, and don't question why no one mentioned this gate in any context until twelve centuries later"

[crazyexmormon]

The good Mormon girl to man who swears like a sailor pipeline

[crazyexmormon]

I do enjoy jokes about how actually Jesus is queer and whatnot but unfortunately my hand burns like a demon touching a bible when I try and reblog them. Sad!

[crazyexmormon]

Can we talk about how lonely it feels to no longer be religious in a religious family? Not only is it another way in which we've grown apart, but I also know it would break their hearts to know where I stand- that I am no longer Christian.

Also seeing my nieces and nephews being introduced to religion is very bittersweet. Yes, them praying so ernestly is cute and pure, but I can't help but think about what lies in wait for them. Will they overcome everything that religion adds as obstacles? If they move away from religion, will they survive it- it's no easy path? either.

[crazyexmormon]

How have I not seen anyone talking about this image this is so fucking funny