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Crazy’s A Bitch

Glory

‘The blessings always outweigh the curse,’ my mother always told me. She always stood by that statement to the bitter end.

If you ask me, life is more like a rabid squirrel, chasing you through a mine field.

Which I guess you could say started when I was nine, when Mom went on to her great rewards in Heaven. My brothers and I stayed behind on Earth, with Dad and our two grandmothers. My very first glimpse at the rabid squirrels you might say.

Mom came from a long line of people of faith. She also came from a long line of looneys, hypocrites and assorted con-artists too. So, you can take your pick in our family.

After all, it’s all about balance people.

I was told all my life Mom nicknamed me Glory because she saw greatness in me. I remember her telling me I would do something amazing in this world. I always felt like I was on a pedestal while she was here.

My ex-husband however, called my Nutsy.

See? Balance.

To be honest, I did come unhinged during my marriage, but let me tell you David was a real winner. The way I see it, if you tear at my last nerve, you deserve what you get. And sometimes it comes in the form of Satan in high heels.

You need to stand your ground in this life. You know what I’m saying? I may have been blessed with grace in my mother’s eyes, but in mine, I was blessed with a good right hook. Which is I find becomes increasingly necessary as I get older.

Because, let’s face it, most people are idiots.

There’s always somebody running around on somebody, or lying about someone. Or cheating someone, stealing or beating the system. And I’ve run into most of those chuckle heads. Hell, I think they had me on speed dial or something.

Personally, I think I should have been given a medal or something for dealing with my ex-husband, the winner I mentioned before. A saint would want to pull his head off.

Far as I could tell, he wasn’t using it anyway…

In my defense, I married young, without an ounce of sense.

We met at a party. He walked in, and my brain died. There could be no other explanation for it. He just about led me around by the nose, that night. Which ended up lasting seven years. Seven long, crappy years.

David Alverez was a good looking, smooth talking, knuckle dragging, cave dwelling Neanderthal. How’s that for accurate? He could charm the birds out of the trees as my Nana would say.

Just call me Tweety.

From day damn one we had problems. Problems like, he wanted to be single and free on the outside of our front door, and the Rockstar when he came home. I turned myself inside and out trying please him, hoping to make our commitment to our marriage work.

I thought love could change him. And he was savvy enough to let me believe that.

Huh. The only thing that changed was my self-esteem. It nosed dived off edge of my sanity.

Six years into the marriage and he was still working as a part time mechanic and I was working full time for the New York Transit Authority. We were barely getting by, and he was full of promises, excuses, bad ideas, and get rich schemes.

I am sad to say I fell for it all at first. Year four of our marriage I was in it for the kids. Great plan, right? And I knew better, that was the worst part, I knew it and I just kept going out of desperation.

The breaking point came when, David had come home late, expecting a hot meal and a quiet wife.

I got close enough to smell the booze and see a smear of red lipstick that Romeo had missed. “You didn’t get all of her off you, you know,” I said, slapping the back of his dark head as he went past me.

I’m five foot eight inches tall, but David still towered over me at six foot-four.

He staggered forward. I huffed in disgust. He put his hand out to catch himself on the doorframe.

Then David’s head snapped around. His black eyes were dull, and I wondered how much of his paycheck was left. “You better watch yourself! I don’t need to come home to this shit every damn night. I’m entitled to some time to myself,” he yelled, his face was flushed, and his eyes were getting watery.

David leaned on the faded yellow wallpaper in our tiny kitchen. He smelled of motor oil and stale cigarettes. The three top buttons were undone on his light blue mechanics shirt. He was a well-built man, and he liked showing it off.

One of the things that caught my attention when we first met, those three damn buttons…

He didn’t seem so seductive at that point in our barely-there kitchen. It was so small that the only way to fit the tiny table and two wire back chairs in there was to shove them up against the wall. So, there wasn’t much wall left for David to lean on.

The living room was even worse, with the thread bare sofas and a stained rug. The kids ate kneeling in front of the nicked-up coffee table for meals. There was a crappy little television we had bought second hand, sitting on a scarred-up desk we had found in the trash outside on a random garbage day.

It was pathetic.

“You need to start taking care of your kids!” I shouted. “I make the money around here and there ain’t much left after the bills are paid. You need to put money into this household and not on some damn slut in a bar!”

The fact that I was still in my transit uniform because I had no time to change after picking up the kids, and rushing around with shopping, dinner and homework; had no effect on David.

I also had had to dislodge a raisin out of my son’s nose after said dinner, but that’s another story.

“You want a better life? Get a better job,” David slurred at me.

He was slamming around the kitchen, looking for his dinner. The one that was sitting in the garbage. Chicken and rice, his favorite. Too bad.

“The day I got to buy a man, I can damn well afford better than you!” I yelled back, dragging my kids behind me into the bedroom until David went to sleep.

I packed my up my little ones that night. My daughter Cindy was only five at the time and my son Theo was three. I hated to see the confusion and fear in their eyes from my fights with their father. We moved in with my Dad and my two grandmothers.

That was twenty-one years ago.

I am still with the MTA.

I have no regrets, it has great benefits, and my bills are always paid. A nest egg was waiting patiently for me when I retired, decades from now. But it was there.

Cindy and Theo were now adults, out there on their own. Doing their own thing. Cindy thing was going better than Theo’s thing, I have to say.

Cindy was good a fending for herself. Always could come up with the rent, sometimes late, but it got there. She didn’t party, checked in with her family, and paid her parking tickets on time. I had no real issue with my little girl.

Except when it came to men. Like mother like daughter. But honestly, she was drop dead gorgeous. She had long wavy black hair, with my striking blue eyes. She had my mother’s fine bone structure, and a smile that lit up a room. Her only issue? Her weight could creep up on her.

Just like her mother, sorry kid….

Cindy was like me, a cross between the Latina roots on my mother’s side, and Irish on my father’s side. We got the dark hair and olive complexion from Mom. From Dad we got brilliant blue eyes, and the height. We got great tans in the summer and looked good in a pair of heels. Pretty good genes if you ask me.

Now, Theo was all Latino. Tall, dark and handsome. Girls had been throwing themselves at him since before he hit adolescence. I only wished he would chase jobs down the way he chased women. Some people say I favor my son, not true. I worry myself sick over his antics and his irresponsible ways. Any mother who got frequent phone calls to save their kid’s ass would worry

And sometimes hyperventilate and have a meltdown or two; depending on the call.

That boy is gonna be the death of me. Always scraping by, I should’ve cut him off financially years ago. He drifted from one job to another. But what can I say, he’s Mama’s baby.

What are you going to do right?

It didn’t help that my Abuela was forever comparing Theo to his cousin Mateo. “Why can’t you get a good job like your cousin? He makes good money, and benefits,” she would harp on him.

This would frustrate Theo to no end.

“Lela, Mateo is in broadcasting!” I would tell her, willing her to keep quiet.

Lela was my childhood nickname for Abuela since I was two. It’s pronounced Lay-la. Something that I passed on to my kids. It’s so damn cute, I don’t care how old we are. It’s cute.

“Huh, well then how about Ricky? He has his own house, a car and takes care of his mother,” Lela shot back, nodding her little knobby head.

“He’s an accountant.” Theo said rolling his eyes.

“What? You can’t count? Excuse me Mr.-I-don’t-even-want-to-try.” she answered looking away and folding her arms.

I had to admit, Lela might be on to something...

Nana Clara, my Dad’s mother, wanted to know why Cindy wasn’t married, or even in the ballpark.

Because Cindy brought home all the broken ones, that’s why. She was her mother’s protégé when it came to men. If there was an award to be given out for collecting idiots and losers, let’s just say, we would be neck and neck right about now.

That didn’t stop me from giving Cindy advice. Not that she ever asked me. Not that that ever stopped me. I am her mother after all. I have to say something. Not that she ever listened to this advice. It went in one ear and out the other.

But my girl had damn well better get better taste in men. Because that last man of hers almost killed me. Him and that slutty Beverly Walker.

I shivered at the thought. A sharp pain suddenly gripped me. I froze.

A faint whisper of a memory floated by.

Uh-oh. Something bad had happened. It was just on the tip of all that darkness swirling around, painfully in my head. My teeth were suddenly on edge, and I couldn’t seem to catch my breath.

“Gloria? Can you hear me? I need you to open your eyes for me. This is Jared, I am a nurse and you’re in the hospital. I need you to open your eyes.” Jared’s loud and intruding voice said from somewhere over me.

My eyes were throbbing, and my mouth was dry enough to spit cotton. All I wanted was to keep drifting back to the dark, comforting space that I was being yanked out of. Why can’t people just leave me alone? I tried to shift away from Jared.

Noisy thing.

I should slap him I thought.

Pain exploded in me when I moved. I gagged. My tongue was thick, and my lungs felt raw. Had I been in a fire? Dear Lord, did Nana set fire to the kitchen again? Because Dad had proven to be the worst firefighter.

I started making this weird, involuntary clucking noise. What the hell?

And my head felt like it had been hammered to pieces and glued back together with cheapest glue they could find.

“Oh no you don’t. I see you moving. You can hear me. Gloria, open your eyes. The doctor is waiting to see you” he said.

Doctor?! What doctor? What the flaming hell was he talking about? Oh Damn, that’s right; that skank tried to kill me. It was attempted murder through and through. And I needed to live. I had to make sure Skanky paid for this crap.

My mind raced at the flash of memory.

It had been about eight thirty in the morning and I had been ready to start my shift. I was driving the one train, from Manhattan to the Bronx. A few people I worked with were on the platform as well. They were heading for the train yard like me.

I had just finished my egg, cheese, and diced jalapeno pepper breakfast sandwich, and was in the middle of gulping down the last of my coffee, when I heard people start whispering around me.

Well, that can’t be good, I thought in the back of my mind. I rolled my head around, trying to find the reason for my new-found attention.

That’s when I saw Skanky, also known as Beverly Walker. I knew it was me she was waiting for. It wasn’t hard to locate her. Somehow, she managed to look like a hooker in a transit uniform.

She was a real sight, Skanky street Walker. Busting out of a uniform, two sizes to small.

The name took off the first time I said it at a union meeting. I couldn’t believe it. But it’s not like she hadn’t earned the name herself, as I had told people countless times. But it had taken quite the imagination to come up with, if I do say so myself.

But she was a whore, no imagination needed for that.

In her first year alone, Beverly had hooked up with a quarter of all the men in our union. It was a joke that she was the unmentioned benefit, that the union was supplying. How anyone could consider a walking STD, a benefit is beyond me.

I personally think Skanky should be sanitized before and after hours. Because, you just don’t know where she’s been. And do you really want to sit anywhere near, where she has parked her lady bits?

Beverly worked hard at getting male attention. She wore heavy makeup, just shy of clown status. The only thing that was beautiful about her was her long blonde curly hair. It was a crowning glory.

Damn her.

Other than that, she relied on sex and booze to get by with men.

I have no use for that kind of crap. Especially, when she went after my Cindy’s boyfriend.

Chris Harper. Just hearing his name could piss me off.

I never liked Chis, not from day one. He was mouthy and shifty eyed. If he had been attentive to Cindy, or even smart, I could have tolerated him. Nope, he was dumber that a bag of rocks. And he was always putting my girl down. I don’t know what Cindy ever saw in him.

But when I caught him and Skanky doing the deed on one the trains that had been put away for the night an unholy rage was unleashed.

First, I videoed the show on my cell phone. Then, I stomped right on in there. You should’ve seen them both trying to pull their pants back up. Chris’s drawers were hanging around his ankles and Skanky was trying to ram here fat rump back into her skinny slacks.

Would’ve been easier to stuff a squirrel through a keyhole, if you asked me.

Then I beat the crap out of both.

You would think it would have been harder than it was, but half naked people get really distracted. Even if you are trying to break their necks.

Chris was scooting around on his bare ass, with his hands up trying ward me off. He looked like Theo when I had to take him for his measles shot when he was three.

The whole time Chris is wailing, “Please don’t tell Cindy! She meant nothing to me. Bev was just some hoe.” he whined.

Blood was streaked across his face from his nose. It was also on his chest, his pant leg, and the floor. Never had I seen a more disgusting, sniveling creature.

Me and my girl needed to have a heart to heart.

Skanky, had pulled most of her body parts into place, and was cursing him and trying to kick him too. That boy didn’t know who was going to beat his ass that night.

But that’s the price you pay when that’s the game you play.

I swatted Bev around the car for good measure too.

As I was leaving, I heard her yell ‘watch your back.’

I guess I knew I’d find her eventually waiting for me somewhere. And that somewhere was on a platform with coworkers and passengers.

Great.

“I hear you been telling lies about me again,” Skanky had shouted, tossing her hair as if she was in a shampoo commercial. She pouted and looked around to see who was paying attention.

Oh, they all were. Sonny and Mitch the tunnel custodians, had stopped placing bets on the ponies on their cell phones. Victor and Daisy two other conductors stepped closer to hear. A handful or more started to come out of the woodwork. They knew about the feud between me and Skanky.

This was gonna be high noon in every way.

The main feud had started when Skanky tried sweet talking our supervisor into giving her my run on the one train. When I had confronted her, she said I was too old to drive a train anymore. Excuse me? Forty-seven is the new thirty thank you! And I had been there in that union, doing that job when she was stuffing her first bra in junior high school.

I told her in no uncertain terms that she was unfit to do any job other than on her back.

We had to be pulled apart after that.

And so, it began.

Now I am standing downwind of the skanks cheap perfume. Nice way to start the morning. I rolled my eyes and checked my watch. Train should be here any second.

“You think you can talk crap about me and I am going to just sit there and take it?” Skanky said. She took a few steps in my direction. She turned to see if everyone was still watching.

“What have I called you that you’re not?” I asked in bored flat tone. I tossed my empty coffee cup into the trash can and turned to face her.

She looked at me smugly, and it began to dawn on me that she should be a little more discrete since I have video footage of her doinking Chris on the train. She had no evidence against me.

So, what the hell?

“I’m going to end this here and now.” Skanky said loudly, standing on her tip toes and craning her head around.

Dumbass. You want your close- up now, I thought. I was already tired of this.

“Well what you gonna do?” I asked throwing arms out to the side. You want it? Bring it, I figured.

I got a measured look from her, “Think you hold all the cards, don’t you?” she asked. Her bright pink mouth twitched, and her eyes danced.

Didn’t I? Suddenly I wasn’t feeling so superior. Suddenly, it felt like the rug might get yanked out from under me. And suddenly, I wanted to go home.

“It’s too bad your career after all these years is probably going to end up in the toilet. You’re going to be begging me soon to save your job.” Skanky finished.

“Me? Beg you? You’re off your meds, right? Listen, get your butt out of here before I go to the supervisors about this.” I blasted back.

Skanky threw back her head and laughed. Why wasn’t she scared? I had witnesses, I had seniority, I had the video. I was safe. Right?

Then it hit me. I should have figured it out sooner. She was mixing it up with one of the supervisors. There could be no other explanation for her newfound confidence. I gritted my teeth.

And Skanky winds up on top.

I eyeballed her. Pure satisfaction spread slowly across her face. She knew I understood. Damn her. She whipped out her left hand from behind her back. And even I was struck dumb. On her ring finger was a brilliant rock. She slowly brought her hand up and deliberately stroked her shiny hair. Holy crap.

“Well?” Miss Walker asked, stamping her foot. Her beady hazel eyes were on me. “Aren’t you going to apologize to me, for all the mean things you’ve done to me?”

I nearly choked. I’ve done to her? I could hear my blood pulsing through my ears.

Our coworkers started mumbling under their breath, they got the picture too. A look of utter disgust went over Sonny’s face. She had been with his brother a few months back, so he knew she had something coming to her.

Just not this.

“Never fails. Nice guys finish last.” I heard him say glaring at the ring that was still glistening like a disco ball under the light.

I grimaced. Look, I get how the world works, but I will be dipped in donkey dung before I apologize to Skanky Streetwalker.

I shrugged, “A ho’s a ho, no matter who lays claim to her.” I said, and people gasped around me.

Some of the guys cheered.

Skanky looked like she had been slapped. Her mouth shaped a perfect O. Apparently, this was not the response she had expected. I allowed myself that small satisfaction, while not letting myself think what it could be costing me.

I might be more like my son than I liked to admit.

I heard that familiar clattering behind me and breathed a sigh of relief. I checked my watch again; the train was late. And if it had been on time I would’ve missed this episode of ‘who’s screwing who’.

From behind me I heard a screech. I realized I had made a fatal mistake, one you don’t make in the streets of New York. You never, ever, turn your back on your enemy, even if they seem weaker or stupider than you.

Because sometimes stupid is more dangerous than anything else.

All I saw were distant headlights coming down the dark tunnel before something jumped on my back. I lurched forward under the weight, the breath knocked almost out of me. I couldn’t lift my head so all I saw were peoples pant legs and feet.

Fear gurgled up inside me.

“Look out!” Daisy yelled.

Really? Now you’re gonna yell that? Thanks Daisy.

I gasped, and my arms flailed for a moment. I was getting pummeled with her right fist, while being choked out with her left. I staggered around, careful to avoid the edge of the platform. My heart squeezed painfully at the sight of the bright yellow caution border on the ledge.

I squirmed and bucked trying to get her off. She was screeching in my left ear, making me more confused as I struggled to get my bearings.

My right hand reached around my neck and started pulling on her arm that was choking me.

She was a lot stronger than the last time we grappled. Having no other option, I grabbed the rock on her finger and twisted it hard enough to break her finger. Then I tucked my chin into my neck. She yelled out in pain and I swung my whole body around, knocking Skanky off.

She landed in a heap to the concrete floor. Glossy blonde hair splayed all around her. The light still danced off the diamond on finger, as she pushed up off the floor to a kneeling position.

There was blood in her eye when she jumped up. Straight into my fist. This time when she fell, it was on her ass. I stood there waiting for her to get back up.

“Help! Someone, call the police!” Skanky hollered.

I was breathing heavily, as the everything spun around me. A fine sweat broke out all over me, and I prayed I wouldn’t pass out. I would never live it down. Skanky Streetwalker did in Glory Shanahan, it would be humiliating.

Skanky was scrambling to standup, but her legs were wobbling badly. At least we were both in bad shape, I told myself. I must have given her a good shot in the head I realized. I wondered what the union could do for me at this point. Regret started creeping up inside me. I still needed this job.

My little nest egg that was waiting for me flashed before my eyes.

Instead of helping, people started laughing at Beverly. Panic was starting to seize me and the need to get the hell out of there was nearly overwhelming. I looked over my shoulder to see the train’s silver car racing towards us.

Again, stupid move.

I never learn.

I was shoved this time. The last thing I remember was grabbing her blonde hair in a desperate attempt to keep myself up on that platform.

Joke was on me; her luxurious blonde hair came with me.

Oh, shit!

The train had whooshed over me while I had tried covering me head with the stupid wig. Not exactly a helmet. “Help!” I screamed. I tried to keep my body as flat against the tracks as I could. Not an easy task at one hundred and sixty something pounds.

Dear Lord, I prayed. Let me live. I’ve got kids. I got a family. I’ll be nicer. I’ll get a new job, a better job. Helping kids maybe or the elderly. Before I could make another plea. I heard it.

The voice.

“Do not worry child. You are being saved for a much higher purpose,” the voice said.

Yeah? I strained to listen. Strangely enough, I couldn’t hear the train anymore. “You will live out your days as Karma. And be a reminder that I am always watching,” the voice said.

My body instantly relaxed at the words. I started getting this floaty, warm feeling inside me. The air around me now felt like a breeze. I waited to see if the Angels would sing for me.

But that didn’t happen. Maybe next time, I told myself happily.

“Gloria!” somebody yelled, and I was shaken out of my thoughts.

“What do you want from me,” I roared, sitting up.

There was a little Chinese man there beside me in pink scrubs.

Jared.

He jumped back in terror, arms crossed over his chest. Jared’s mouth was open in a silent scream. He dragged in a breath, almost doubling over.

Drama queen.

“I want to just see if you’re alive. Is that alright with you?” he snapped. His eyes were wide with fear and aggravation as he contemplated me.

“I am fine. Don’t you know who I am?” I asked. Better to hit the ground running with this. It was time to start flexing some mystical muscle here.

Claim my destiny.

“You’re Gloria Shanahan,” the nurse said flatly. He reached for the blood pressure cuff and pulled out his stethoscope from his front pocket. He had the nerve to look down, like I wasn’t even there.

You have got to be kidding me.

“Wrong little man. This is Karma your dealing with,” I informed him. I shifted and the whole room waltzed around me. I put my arms out to balance me. Dear Lord, why was I in pain like this? I was of a higher calling now.

I am damn sure I am not meant to suffer like this.

“Carmen?” Jared asked blankly. He blinked and ran over to his chart. He glanced it over. “I have you down here as Gloria.”

“Not Carmen. Karma. K-A-R-M-A” I spelled out for him. I had to turn my head to see him. One of my eyes wasn’t working.

I reached up and touched it. Pain shot through every nerve I had in my body. “Eeesh!” I shrieked and fell back. I needed to find out if there was somebody to complain to about these Earthly sufferings.

“Hey, I may need a barf bag or something,” I told him, begrudgingly.

“You’re…” the nurse sputtered, clutching the chart to his stomach now. “Oh Lord.” he muttered. Jared knuckles turned white from clutching the clip board, as he opened and closed his mouth like a fish.

“No, not God. You crazy or something? Karma. Although I am kind of up there now. Huh let’s see what Skanky pants thinks of this,” I laughed. I almost forgot about the raw shoulders and back, and throbbing headache.

Almost.

“Uhm, right. I need to go get the doctor Miss uh Karma,” the nurse said backing away. He was giving me a real toothy smile, still clutching my chart. Jared toppled backward over the IV pole behind him. He scrambled to stay upright.

I couldn’t blame him. This was all kinds of awesome. I would be a little overwhelmed in my presence too. After all, it’s not everyday Karma shows up in your bleak little world.

I laid back. “I’ll be needing pain meds” I called out. I had a feeling my closed-up eye looked like a mini eggplant.

No one answered. Huh.

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