creaammyvelvet-blog - Tumblr blog

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idk why I'm still having dreams with jc on it. hahahha do i miss him?

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I want to have a boyfriend. :<

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How To Be a Lady, if I...

what does it takes to be a refined lady, like the lady I watched in drama?

What should I do to be somehow look like a mature lady I always dreamt of when...

I don't even know my bra-size, and undergarments.

I don't know what shirt/dress suits me well.

I messed my make up.

I prefer laying on the bed instead of dating, (wait HAHAHA should it be here? WHAT DOES DATING RELATES BEING A LADY??)

Ugh, idk

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Online Darling

2019, I started to feel lonely. I'm craving love, attention, and deep conversation. But it's hard to reach out to anyone. No one's talking to me. No one cares for me. No one was there for me, to be exact. I'm stuck with myself in the darkroom, looking for any light to crawl over. So one day, I tried a website where you can talk with random strangers. I've met multiple guys, try to be lenient that I only see them as someone who I can talk to. Just a talk. Rather than a lover, all I need is company. Since we have a different timezone, I'm the only one who's adjusting to the time differences. Trying to balance the pace of both parties. But I'm easily getting tired. Got bored and find another one. Just like they always do. It became a routine. Search-Talk-He's interested-I want a talk-we talked privately, trying to deepen the relationship he wants to work out but I refused-we'll get tired of talking-just not talking after few weeks? months?-find another one.

Then one day, I met this guy. Same nationality. He was nice to talk to. He can handle the conversation properly, but I'm kind of aware of what will be the end of it but I still go and talked to him. I let my guard down after he always checking my mental health. Monitoring me every day, what did I eat? Why did I not eat? Did I take med? How's my mental health? It softens my heart and tries to loosen up. There's one thing that comes to my mind. "I want him." It was the first time I consider letting a stranger be part of my life and own my heart. The guy I've waiting for is here in front of my phone screen. I always look for him and care for him, just like how he cares for me. I don't want to let him go. We never fight, we never argue. We respect each other's opinions. Trying to understand each other. We're almost but not quite in a relationship. I was too attached to him. But he's not.

One day, he didn't message for days, I got worried because I know he's not stable. Just like me. I got paranoid and ask myself, "Am I being left behind?" I didn't cry but worried sick. Then I just found out that he wasn't able to contact me because he throws his phone. I believed him.

But I was just too blinded.

I can see he's always online but didn't have a chance to read my messages. I saw him tweeting but he doesn't even saw my DMS and I'm fucking stupid to reconsider to make things work out. saying like, "He has a reason, let's hear it" hahaha. Idiot. We talked like once a month. But I still see he's very active in social media. So why not reply to me, right? hahaha.

Turning point.

He's not saying hi or hello to me anymore. And right now, all I want is to prove to him that he just lost a precious one.

I stopped looking for someone online. Hahaha. I don't care about dying loveless. Just fuck you all men who just ghosting girls whose hopeful to be happy once in a while.

Online Darling? HAHA FUCK. Online Scam Darling. Hope you get dumped and hurt so badly.

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There's no way she'll go back

14th of January, year 2020. An old man and a young lady were waiting in the hallway. They were so lost as if something bad might happen at any minute. The hallway was filled with silence. While the old man chanting prayers, the young lady was just holding a rosary. She can't utter any single prayers she knows. She was scared. All she could whisper is "please, Lord. not now. just please." The old man asked the young lady to call someone and ask them to come over. And when two people just arrived, a doctor rushed over them with apologetic eyes. "I'm sorry Sir, we did our best... But she's..." Shivers. A strong wind blows and the following sound was the painful tears of those who lost a precious one. The young lady can't stop crying. She started to kneel down and shout to the top of her lungs. "WHY?! WHYY??!! I SAID WHYYY???!!" she questioned and looked at the lady laying on the bed. Pale, cold, and lifeless. The young lady started to feel remorse above and blame everyone she could think of. Her memories with the lady started to get blurry. She then reached the lady's hand with her dirty trembling hands. The warm hand she used to hold is just a cold-soulless hand now. "M-ma..." she whispered in the lady's ear. Hoping she'll wake up as soon as she hears the voice of her helpless child. But no one responded. All she hears was the unbearable silence, weeping of those people she was with inside the room. She looked at her mother she always loves and adores. "... Wait for me, I'll follow you. I love you." and kissed her on her forehead. The young lady stands up and takes a deep breath. She does the butterfly hug and calms herself. "You can do this." As the burial proceeds, she was the one who bravely smiles and seems okay. But deep inside, she's screaming and devastated to die. Inside her head, she's listing all her 'to-die-list'. She's very ready for this new journey-- the journey to die. Why is it called like that? Because she lost the reason she lives on. She lost her sanity and sell it to the devils inside her. The place she calls home is no longer home because her mother isn't there anymore. And that leaves her to think that she's better dead rather than facing this hell life without her mom. There is no way going back. This world is hellish than the darkness she's staying in right now. She just wants to escape, let the darkness ate her, and became one. The place she used to call home is just the hell she never wants to go back to.

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I'm going to try

Hiii~ I'm backk. I just retrieve my acc. I'm on my 20's now and I'm looking forward to make blogs agaiiin hihihihi. Hope you enjoyy reading my thoughts skskskkks.

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for sombersunshine // my commission info

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🍁

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chillin’ 🌿✨

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THIS IS SO TRUUUUUU!!!

via @extramadness

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http://iglovequotes.net/

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Intoduction: WHY ME?

When we just started? In just a simple chitchats. No proper hi's and hello's. Neither a proper introductions. We don't have any background to blabber about because we are not 'that' really close. How did we reach this point?

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Suicide Note

Death

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“Invisible Tears”

Be scared if I looked at you smiling,

Because that’s when my tears starts to stream.

Invisible tears are said to be the hardest tears to wipe.

But don’t worry, I’ll be fine in a count of five.

So be happy with her.

Stay with her

It’s okay.

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What’s wrong being single?

So this entry will be in Tagalog. HAHAHAHA! Sorry.

Blog #3 What’s wrong if I’m single?

Marami ang nagtatanong sakin, bakit ka ba single, Chez? Hindi ko alam pero lagi kong nasasabi na ‘Study First’. Pero sino ba naman ang tangang maniniwala sa sinabi ko? Syempre, ako yung tanga sa storya na binuo ko. Sa kahibangan ginawa ko. I study because I need to. Hindi pa ako nagsseryoso sa pag-aaral. Actually, it’s because of SPP. (Strict Parents Policies)

Honestly, people surrounds me feels like temporary. I admit, I’m scared. mahirap kasing ma-attached sa isang tapos iiwan ka lang. Ang ironic kasi. maraming nagagalit saking kaibigan ko dahil sa katangahang ginagawa ko. Oo. Baliw na nga e. Pero alam ko yun. Kasi pag di ko ginawa yun, matatalo ako. Ayaw ko nun.

Saka ayokong naiipit ako between friends or lover. I value friendship more than affections. Kaya I’m sorry. Sorry talaga. Mahiarp man kasi lagi kasing sinasabi nila past na niya yun e. Ikaw na yung mahal, papakawalan mo pa ba? 

Oo, pakakawalan ko. 

Kasi duwag ako.

Takot ako ng may masasaktan sa sinasabi ko.

sa mga mali kong gagawin kaya ayaw ko. 

Kahit na kaibigan ko na yung mainis sakin. 

Hindi ko alam pero isa na bang ID ang relationship para maaccept sa mundong ito? Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko talaga alam. Ang hirap kasing intidihin ng mga tao.

Gusto ko magkaboyfriend. Pero pag may lumalapit na lalaki sakin, masyado akong nasssuffocate. Alam kong hindi ako sanay ng commitment. Ayaw ko ng clingy boyfriend. Ayaw ko nung magffocus sakin yung parents ko kasi may boyfriend na ako. Natural mas magiging strict sila sakin. Kaya tumigil ako. Hinarangan ko ang sarili ko sa nagbabadyang panganib. Umiwas ako sa pagkakakulong pero nasasaktan ako.

Mabilis akong mafall at iba ako kung tamaan ng pagkagusto. I like him. Good for him pero busted siya. Kaya wala rin. 

I choose not to be in a relationship wherein, ako lang din ang nahihirapan. Mag-isa akong nasasaktan. Nagddusa at nagdurugo ang mga sugat ng nakaraan. Wala e. Mapride akong tao. Mas mahal ko magulang ko. Mas mahal ko yung mga iisipin ng tao sakin pag sinagot ko siya. Mas mahal ko yung utak ko kesa sa puso ko kasi ang hirap sundin ng puso e. Masyadong madugong pakikipag digma yun para sakin. I think, this way is the better path. No strings attached. Just a friend. Close friend, rather.

So shout out to jcdr! HAHHAHAHAHA! Sorry if I choose not to be with you! But still, we’re good. Continue watching Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo! Hope for your happiness! 

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Why I’m scared?

People always asked me why I turn down guys who want to be with me. Why I don’t like having a boyfriend and why I’m still single.Seriously? Am I obligated to have a boyfriend? I mean, should I say yes to every guys who’ll asked me to be their girlfriend? The only reason why I am being so numb when it comes to this is because I am scared.. Taking risk is too much to handle. And I just can’t afford having conflicts with my family. I’m scared they’ll be more strict if I’ll bring a guy on our house and introduce as my boyfriend. I just can’t afford to risk something that I’m not sure if will last. 

Yes, I’m afraid of losing someone that has been a part of me. I remember myself so hopeless, questioning every guys, why do they need to leave me. Am I not worth it to fight for? I’m lost with the thought that guys will just end up my heart broken. I’m afraid of getting a lot of wounds again. I have too much scars to heal. 

I had enough. I once gave my heart to someone but, he only brought me a lot of heartaches.I intend to stop loving & showing care to others but I don’t want to be rude that’s why I keep on moving. loving with limits. 

I just want to have an open letter to jcdr, the one who I am attracted. 

He likes me and even asked to court me but I refuse. I valued our friendship more than the love that will grow between us. I like him but sorry because career is life. Sorry if I can’t even tell you that I like you. Sorry if I keep on saying that we’re just friend. Sorry if I’m hurting you. Sorry if I’m scared. I wish for your happiness. Lovelots and Godbless.

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My first time to fall in "like" again

I never felt the urge of being in love. I mean, I don't like rushing things with love. I hate the thought of me falling in love with someone. When I'm on my middle school, I met someone who made me feel like I am a living princess who is living a real world. He made me feel like I am his only world and that's how I felt towards him as I realize that I like him too. I know, this sounds very ridiculous but I JUST LIKE HIM. I have my restrictions and that's the conflict of our relation. As I realize that I'm on the way where I'm falling to him, deep and hard. I push him away. I guarded my heart. I restrict my own feelings. So at the end of the day, HE LEFT ME.

So after 3 years, I can say I've already moved on. I'm now on my Senior High School. Zero lovelife. But these days, I am team up with a guy, (my classmmate). They think of us as ITEM. Errr. I don't like the idea because I am scared. I don't want to feel the emptiness I felt for 3 years. I'm sick of hurting. But here I am, fvck up. My heart didn't function well. Huhuhuhu. 😭 I don't like this feeling but because of my stupid heart, I fell in "like" again. And surely, I'll get dump again. I'm scared. I am feared with the thought of being hurt again.