crearture

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this one really gets me bestie

(meditations in an emergency, cameron awkward-rich)

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/ april 5 2021

my soul is immense

but the life i have is so little .

what a little life

and when i woke up desiring for more

i found myself

so

incredibly

restless .

#

my eyesight is getting fainter

each day .

breathing

is all i do

even though no one asks me to .

and lately

waking up becomes

such a

burden .

and being alive

is a new form

of

torment .

my life

shrinks . and no one would ever know why .

#

it's terrifying

to see

how my existence

can

be

so

pointless .

for one day i'm gone,

and it's suddenly spring

all over

again .

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/ april 3, 2021

solitude is out of time,

and as i'm falling out of love with it, it grows inevitably steadier, almost like it's always been a part of me. it grows within the path which end has always been something we wait for—us, ones that are forgotten.

perhaps ; people whose life is a middle ground of die and not to die, people like me—have always been the easiest to be left behind. like we don't matter, like we deserve the ache.

but do we?

still, the question remains unanswered.

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I lost so much of the world’s beauty, as if I were watching

every shining gift on its branch with one eye. Because

I was hungry. Because I was waiting

to eat, a self

crawling about the world in search

of small things.

Toi Derricotte, from “I give in to an old desire,” The New Yorker (Jan. 21, 2019)

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Bradley Trumpfheller, from “Speculative Realism”

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Hallo saya senang dengan kata katanya!!!

sangat sangat terlambat menjawab, tetapi terima kasih sudah membaca ❤

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temporary cease

/082020

only when there's nothing left in me but dimness shall i see the ones who stay and those who leave with their own bliss.

and only when misery comes to them shall they seek comfort from a fragile heart of mine, and foolishly—so incredibly foolish, i open my arms and hold them once again.

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## journal entry

𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓻𝓪𝓭𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝓼𝓾𝓭𝓭𝓮𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓸𝓵𝓿𝓮𝓼 𝓪𝓼 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝔀𝓪𝓵𝓴 𝓪𝔀𝓪𝔂 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓸𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝓪𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓶𝔂 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓪𝓬𝓱𝓮𝓼 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓪𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓲𝓼 𝓷𝓸 𝓵𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓻 𝓾𝓷𝓯𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓻.

𝓲 𝓵𝓸𝓸𝓴 𝓫𝓪𝓬𝓴 𝓯𝓸𝓸𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓱𝓵𝔂—𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮 𝓻𝓸𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪 𝓯𝓲𝓵𝓶—𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓱𝓸𝔀 𝓶𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮𝓼 𝓲 𝓹𝓾𝓼𝓱𝓮𝓭 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓪𝔀𝓪𝔂, 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓱𝓸𝔀 𝓶𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮𝓼 𝓲 𝓰𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓪𝓷 𝓾𝓷𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓫𝓵𝓮 𝓹𝓪𝓲𝓷, 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓱𝓸𝔀 𝓶𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓼𝓵𝓮𝓮𝓹𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼 𝓷𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝓼 𝔂𝓸𝓾'𝓿𝓮 𝓼𝓹𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓫𝓻𝓸𝓴𝓮𝓷 𝓹𝓲𝓮𝓬𝓮𝓼 𝓬𝓪𝓾𝓼𝓮𝓭 𝓫𝔂 𝓶𝓮.

𝓲 𝓴𝓮𝓹𝓽 𝔀𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓲 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀.

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“I think of you, murmur your name; and am not me: am happy.”

— Alberto Caeiro (Fernando Pessoa), from The Shepherd in Love, Selected Poems: Fernando Pessoa, trans. Jonathan Griffin (Penguin, 1982)

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Hey! I just wanna say that your blog is absolutely adorable and precious and The Little Prince is such a top tier book like I loved that book so much. It has such a meaningful message behind it ✨ I hope you're having a wonderful day today!

thank you so much, this really made my day (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ yours is absolutely incredible as well<333

i know right??? i've read it for a countless time already, it really touched me in the heart.

anyway, have a good day too☁️🌈🌞

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/072020

I took this picture on my way to groceries shopping, the weather was really nice and the sky was crystal clear, ah I wish I didn't have to wear mask because I wanted to feel the sunlight on my face ㅠㅠ (WEAR YOUR MASK PEOPLE! WEAR YOUR MASK!)

I brought my The Little Prince book because I wanted to read it again (still the best children book ever), and I had earphone on so that I could feel less stressed shopping in the middle of this pandemic lol.

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kekang

/071520

tempo hari begitu tenang, lalu menyerang (tanpa aba dan iba).

dan kau, layaknya rahasia, tersembunyi dari paraunya dunia, menjadi satu-satunya petak untukku membuang sauh—mengasihi, memberi—walaupun semua tahu kau hanyalah imitasi, tidak lebih.

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my being

/071120

and perhaps this is why i don't deserve what i wished to be my fate.

cluelessly, i've created my own abyss. and in the darkest part of the night, i wish to be free from my solitude. my vision screams for a way to escape—but is there really any?

my agony is a span away from breaking out and yet to this day, the remedy still remain unknown.

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let it be, let it be.

///

i was in the urge to cry making this, but the sky promised that tomorrow will get better.

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i need this

u know what makes me cry….. that one van gogh quote about life changing for the better….. “many people seem to think it foolish, even superstitious, to believe that the world could still change for the better. and it is true that in winter it is sometimes so bitingly cold that one is tempted to say, ‘what do i care if there is a summer; its warmth is no help to me now.’ yes, evil often seems to surpass good. but then, in spite of us, and without our permission, there comes at last an end to the bitter frosts. one morning the wind turns, and there is a thaw. and so i must still have hope.” yeah….. Crying….

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high school sweethearts

/062320

It was almost too strange to be here without all the noises ; seeing the empty hall with no footsteps, no talking, no loud laughter. It opened an old wound I tried to heal, I tried, I tried, I tried not to go back here because I knew it would fracture my heart into pieces. I tried to leave as soon as I could but my feet were taking me to wander, touching every parts of this place, trying to dig up those memories that I've buried deep somewhere under the trees. My hands wandered, touching every parts of those walls we filled with colors—every color radiated laughter, every color radiated tears too, each colors remind me of different people and different ways I love them.

In this place, I've loved so many and hurted by many—every corner of this place has sense of belonging, but this was also the place that taught me everyone was never mine. No one was never mine. And I was never somebody else's either.

I saw those empty halls and the thoughts of the first boy I fell in love with rushing all over me. I saw him standing there, smiling—the smile I would never forget. I felt like I could love him over and over. Him, my first, was standing there holding his journal, but a second later he vanished—leaving me with the same grief I felt two years ago. I felt like running, I wanted to hold those hands and I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and how every little thing he did made my heart fluttered—but he was already gone, or maybe he was never there at the first place.

And then I saw those stairs, which used to be one of my favorite spots. I saw that girl, who used to be someone I talked to about everything—whom I loved with all my heart, who was always there with me. She said something funny and I laughed, but when I ran towards her, she was already gone, leaving me with the good memories we created together. And then I was left alone, the solitude scared me.

And then I kept seeing faces, those faces that I wished to see again, those faces that resembled good times. And I heard noises, laughter, laughter, laughter, and the melody we were familiar with. And I saw those who are now at peace up there in the sky, those people I wished had more time, but they left this world too early, leaving us all with misery and sorrow.

I loved, and I hurted, and I cried, but then I laughed, and I fell in love, and I created things—all in one place. And now that everything has changed, I refused to come back to this place because it might bring too many dearest memories and I hated it, I hated them for they're all just memories, something I can't hold, something I can't touch.

Everything moves so fast but I'm still embedded to this empty hallway—wishing everything to happen all over again.