creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

I’m one of those people who likes the little things, like holding hands. It’s so simple and yet so fulfilling. Whether it’s walking around, to driving in the car, or even when you’re laying down together. When your fingers are just interlocked and one of you squeezes a little tighter. Or when they slowly run their thumb up and down the side of your fingers. For something so small and insignificant, it can leave chills throughout your whole body for hours.

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

I find motivation in you and I'm not sure if that's right considering I'm with someone else now. You're doing great, as usual, and I'd want to tell you how proud I am of you but I'm in no place to do so. Thank you for being my source of inspiration

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

Why do I still care about how you treat me. You may be an angel to everyone but to me you're not bcs you seem to take things personally that it affects how you treat me, and I'm disappointed bcs I never expected that from you after you claimed yourself to be so matured

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

Its the first time I've heard you singing in so long and I don't know why i feel this way. I thought I'm done feeling like this about you. I don't want to feel this way about you anymore. But its nice to see you again. I've missed you so much

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

I miss you

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

It hurts to know that you've moved on, with someone new. I know if you love someone you'd be happy for them. I am, bcs you're happy, but it pains me to see you with her because we used to do all that. I miss you.

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

Making my own friends to choose between going out with me or you is very immature of you when you said you wanted wverything to "go back to the way it was and start new". This is what making me hate being where I am and I kept secluding myself from all of you

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

We haven't really talked to each other for months and hearing your voice today gave me feelings I thought I've lost. It's crazy how just a phone call could make my emotions go all the over the place like right now. I guess I can't run from the fact that I'm still not over you. I miss you. So much. And everything that we had.

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

I miss dreading the semester just to get to the long awaited break to come back home and see you. The only difference about that now is that you have someone else to eagerly come back home to and I don't. After all this time, I guess I'm still not over you if I still feel jealous of the shift of your attention to someone else. Why can't I feel this way about someone else and not love you anymore?

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

Gentle reminder that not everyone will see your effort or talent. But you have to keep doing you because the right people will see it and appreciate you for who you are, not for who people think you are. Also, you'll always have to start from rock bottom when you go to new places, no matter how good you were from your previous place.

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

It baffles me how many people expect me to fail, to not attend classes, to watch me to get so tired that I'd skip classes and lectures and just practically watch me fall down to the deepest level of the ground you could ever imagined. But that doesn't bother me much bcs I know that I'll eventually prove them wrong. What bothers me the most is that I feel alone all the time, especially when I'm not dancing. I don't feel like I belong here and I really want out from here. I just really don't know how much longer I can keep going

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

I'm really happy to see you getting out of your comfort zone and doing what you love doing, and making the best out of this life we have in this place. I know how much you hate being here but you're so full of potential and I'm happy to see that you put aside all odds and stay true to yourself. You always make me want to be a better person, so thank you A.

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

2018

There were so many uncertainties in my life, and there still are, which are gradually pulling me down rock bottom making me think whether I'm really cut out for this life but I kept pushing through without knowing which direction to go; just crawling my way away from these demons that are haunting me, just to feel better with the fact that I'm actually moving. I feel afraid most of the time but I'm not sure what I'm most afraid of. I've lost passion in what has been my entire life countless of times and I always find myself going back to it, hoping it'll somehow rekindle the burning passion I had inside of me all these years. Many times it just didn't ignite, but some times it did. I've been seeing myself through other people's eyes because I've never appreciated myself or loved myself enough to believe that I'm good enough in everything I do. I constantly need approvals to believe that I'm good at it. Especially in the performing world. Especially when I was a gymnast. I constantly needed to hear "be like Nelissa" or "if Nelissa can do it, why can't you?" from my coaches, or simply a name sequence that put my name last to compete bcs the best is always the last one to compete. Only then I know that I'm above everyone else in the team and believe that I'm good enough. I'd push through trainings to be on top, to be the best, to get compliments; just to believe that I'm good enough. The same goes for love. I've always had good luck with love; being with the good guys. I always had someone to look up to and make me want to be a better individual. But as mentioned, I never do it for myself. I did it to get validation. Validation that I'm good enough as a girlfriend, as a person in general. Never for myself. My first love taught me maturity. And my second taught me true love. These two guys played a really big part of my teenage life and deep down I am more than grateful to have had them holding my hands, going through that phase of life growing together through all those years. Because of them I still believe that there are genuine people out there and that love is great. I also learnt that when a guy truly loves you, they'd never lie to you. Even when the truth will hurt you. This is why you'd always see me breakdown so bad after my breakups and if you know me long enough, you'd know that I take so long to move on from my exes. I feel too much of everything and my mind controls me. It affects me so much because I lost someone who I'd get a validation from. It even sickens me to type this out but that's just who I am; constantly finding my worth in other people's hands. I also keep something really hidden from everyone. Mainly because of the reaction I got or would get if I were to tell it out. I remember coming to the studio late one day and my studio master (lecturer) made fun of my illness because of it. Here's the truth: some mornings I wake up with an attack that makes me choke on myself and makes me feel like I was going to die at that very moment but I just don't. Its like having constant severe chest pains that makes you feel like your life is ripping out from your chest but you don't die but constantly feeling the pain. I struggle many mornings, sometimes forcing myself by dragging my ass to class because attendance is taken into account for your cgpa apparently *roles eyes* but it was that one unlucky day where it took longer to calm myself down from my attack that I was almost an hour late to the studio, with puffy eyes. I was greeted with a "baru bangun ka? Eh eh no i know! Anxiety attack!" like something so serious like that is taken as a joke. I was called weak because I had an attack during training and the coach thought I was just giving an excuse because I couldn't keep up with choreography. I was also called a child out of wedlock just because I stood up for my classmates and apparently voicing out opinions and standing up for the truth is considered rude just because you're a freshman. Just goes to show how shallow the youth's minds are, at least where I'm studying at. Seniority is very important apparently. I know that everyone has their own struggles and this might only sound like I'm just complaining about my life. But it's not easy living a life dependant on chemicals to make you function well with so much being thrown at you just because you're bold enough to stand up for the truths. Every word anyone say to me affects me so much. I take into account every single thing you say to/about me and I feel them deeply. That's just who I am. I did try to fight it but it's bigger than I am. Someone who I call my own brother left me because he thought I was lying about my illness. "you have a loving and supporting mom and sister, why are you still like this?" I didn't choose to live a life like this. I didn't choose to feel this way. I didn't choose to have my parents divorced. I didn't choose any of it but I'm trying my hardest to make it work with whatever I have left of me and that's still insufficient to satisfy them. I'm worn out. I'm so close to giving up but I'm grateful to still have people supporting me. Someone once told me, "people see us as who we are 'most of the time' so don't worry if once in a while they say or see things about you that you don't like. Cause if you really are who you are, they will see it". I messed up last year and I don't want to mess my life again by drowning myself in my own emotions. I always seem happy and strong because I was always afraid of what people will think and look at me once they know what I'm diagnosed with. But I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to fake my smiles and emotions anymore but to just be genuine with myself because I deserve it. I went through my old stuffs and realized that I've always worked so hard to get to where I was, to obtain those straight A's. So I don't want anything to get in my way anymore. I just hope everyone is more considerate and understanding, especially towards those suffering from mental illness. Because its an everyday battle within themselves. And its not something you can see physically as it happens mentally. If you've read this far, it means that you care about me. So thank you, I really appreciate it. Thank you too to my classmates and seniors who've been guiding me with my studio projects and also dances. I'm looking forward to what this year and the following years have got to offer me. I've just got selected into a production and the state's dance company and I am eager to see what other opportunities there are for me to grab! InsyaAllah we'll all go through our individual hardships with high perseverance. P.S. doing this not to seek for attention. Much love, Yours truly xx