creativitylost-blog1

[creativitylost-blog1]

It's Inauguration Day. Let's Talk About Me!

I wrestled with the idea that my first post would be made on Inauguration Day (of all days) about politics. I rarely talk politics, and it isn't the tone I want to set for what is essentially my diary that will be public for all to read. However, it is nearly impossible for me to ignore that in the day stretched out ahead of me this morning, my anxiety will be through the roof. Look, I'm not trying to be dramatic, and I know that my routine and value in this world isn't going to change from yesterday. It's just the sense of impending doom that (well, maybe "doom" is a bit strong, but let's keep it) some major changes are on their way that could actually affect me directly. First of all, all this talk about abolishing the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA). I have a degree in Theatre Arts and have been working professionally as a Wardrobe Mistress since I got out of college four years ago. I experience art every day through my coworkers, fellow artists, and friends. I have worked on incredible shows that could never happen without funding of some sort. The Unknown about how our president- elect will handle this, if he will actually do it or (once again) it's all talk. Furthermore, the way he treats fellow humans is far worse that the way he's attempting to rape the arts. He is an elected official that thinks it's okay to "grab a woman by the pussy" with his freakishly small baby hands because he's rich and thinks himself some sort of Adonis. He is an elected official who thinks it's okay to openly mock a disabled reporter. He is an elected official that thinks Muslims need to be kept track of in a registry like Hitler though of the Jews. He is an elected official who is 100% against cultural diversity. He is an elected official. This man was elected by a rigged system. Hillary won the popular vote by a landslide, but because of how things worked out geographically, the Electoral College voted Trump. Everything he stands for brings up every insecurity I have about myself. I am not a beautiful woman by anyone's standard. Don't respond at all by saying, "everyone's beautiful in their own way!" I'm talking physical beauty. I am a tall, overweight potato of a human. And I know it. I lack a feminine visage and shape. Our new president does not merit women on their actions or beliefs as he does men. He values women purely on appearance. He would honestly probably mock me if I met him. My appearance has always been difficult for me to talk about candidly like this because people like to make you feel good about yourself, which would be absolutely great if you could believe that yourself, but I certainly can't. It's hard to think of yourself as beautiful when you're called "Sir" daily, even wearing a dress and makeup. It's hard to think of yourself as beautiful when the media is shoving weight loss quick fixes in your face. It's hard to think of yourself as beautiful when you're 26 years old and your first (and last) date was six years ago. Even on days when I feel 'Kinda pretty', these things happen, and It knocks you right back down to where you were before. No one to hold you or kiss you and tell you to ignore it. It will never matter how kind or beautiful I am on the inside when the country I live in thinks value runs skin deep. Welcome to America: Land of the closed minds and outwardly ugly people.