creepingsenseofdoom

[creepingsenseofdoom]

[creepingsenseofdoom]

In shopping for several dresses to wear to a wedding, I have learnt much about myself and what I like to wear.

With dresses, I like either tight, or baggy. No inbetween. I don’t want a flared top and a fitted skirt, I don’t want fitted all the way down with a flare at the bottom. I have very long hips and a very high waist so I can’t have dresses that decide my waist for me. Its why bodycon works well for me, I decide where my waist goes. 

I’m slightly dreading the day because I will have to be in heels all day with the dress I chose. I kept going for normal v necks with some kind of frill or texture but my mum said that was too casual for a wedding. We tried on so many dresses and I was getting really aggy about it. But then my dad found a dress with an illusion two piece in white scuba, bodycon, slightly longer than I’d usually choose but perfect for a wedding, high, square neck. It’s white, but with navy floral patterns, delicate patterns that aren’t in your face like a lot of florals. It’s nice! 

I texted the brides mother to make sure it wasn’t too white but she thinks its aight. I will have to be hella tanned for it though. Also, updo, which will be interesting.

I found it much easier to find a day dress for the garden party the next day.  It was actually the first dress I saw in zara lol. Off the shoulder double strap cream linen with orange, red and yellow watercolour ish floral patterns. A lot more tropical. It’s a little baggy, with a fabric belt so I can choose my waist and get a good amount of baggy stuff going on around my waist. Will be so nice to move in, wear with a heeled sandal, hair down or even half back... 

So today I just have to find a fancy pj set for the stupid hen party and accessories.

[creepingsenseofdoom]

having a weird 24 hours were everything is awful and everything sucks and every time I think ok, we’ve sorted something, I’m ok for now, something else comes up and smacks me across the face. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night because I kept waking up in a panic. I can’t keep living like this.

[creepingsenseofdoom]

towie people

arg - immature baby. Grow up, stop living off other guys. You have the motivation of a quadraplegic slug. You have no testicles.

kirk - is a pussy. 100%. He is a coward in everything he does. The way he ‘broke up’ with lauren pope? pathetic. Actually pathetic. Always tries to get other people to handle his problems, never willing to put in the work. Jealous little pussy. Would not date him if he was the last man on earth. Absolutely pathetic excuse for a man.

mark - grade a asshole, but I get the feeling he’s putting a lot of it on for camera. Mean to his friends, but you can tell he really loves them. Absolute shit to all the girls in his life, particularly the ones he can have sex with. He grins when women fight over him and actively tries to distress them. Leads every girl on. Won’t commit to anyone. Only thinks about himself. Of all the guys, causes the most misery. Also thinks the sun shines out of his own ass.

mick - sleazebag. wannabe.

Joey - big soft spot for joey but I’m only on season 2 and I know he gets worse. but genuinely nice guy who has been twisted. Just wish he had more faith in himself and stop trying to be like the other players.

lauren goodger - I feel so sorry for he. Lets face it, her life has been ruined by mark. She makes stupid decisions informed by past mistakes. One of my favourites, personality wise. I feel like I\m quite similar to her.

amy childs - love her, obviously. She’s hilarious. A lot smarter than people give her credit for. Too good for towie. Miss her, sam and harry’s little gang so much. Also, one of the only people who can actually handle a break up.

sam faiers - also love her, although she can be very sneaky. One of the more genuine ones. She doesn’t lie about how she’s feeling. Her relatonships also seem genuine. I was a bit heartbroken when her and joey broke up.

lydia - she’s sweet. I feel like she should be on MIC. Too good for arg, tbh. She’s like his mother. Deserves good things. Her mum is well anoying tho

gemma - I want to like her so bad but she suuuuckkkkksss. She just lives for drama, no matter what, and those people are tiring af

chloe sims - love chloe sims. She seems like one of the genuinely nicer ladies.

popey - also love her. And love her relationships with chloe. Although she has her snakey moments.

maria - looks evil. idk why, she just does. 

lucy - poor lucy. Also love her. She’s had so much shit thrown at her. That moment when she walks past mario in marbs in that white bikini? DAMN. From then on I stanned lucy

[creepingsenseofdoom]

I’m having a glut night and rewatching the first series of towie and oh my god why are all the boys awful. So awful. I mean, I remember them all being awful... but not this bad. I want to throw all the boys into a hole and throw a couple of snakes in there with them and then take all the girls on a spa day and talk about their self worth.

Mark wright... hopefully this was just him putting on a show for the cameras but oh god, what an almighty cunt. 

I do love the trashiness so much.

Season one lauren goodger was such a babe. Bless her. What happened lozza.

[creepingsenseofdoom]

Like, I KNOW I don’t want a relationship with this boy. been there, done that. But why every time we talk do I feel so super good about myself? And I want to spend time with him alot and idk. Maybe I just want him to be a casual thing? But then I’d get jealous. Ughhhh idk.

[creepingsenseofdoom]

I love the human body

Bruises: damage was done here, but we're working on it.

Scars: damage was done here, but we fixed it.

[creepingsenseofdoom]

I’m pretty sure my mum told my dad that I was an on the verge of tears stressy mess the other day on the phone so he staged a sort of mini intervention tonight. rove down to bmouth just to take me out for dinner and basically ask if I was ok

that was cute. well done dad. we don’t really do affection or feelings shit but he did well today.

I’m fine, anyways. 

[creepingsenseofdoom]

went from hating james charles on principle to actually high key adoring him. he is adorable and kudos to him for what he’s doing and trying to do. Genuinely like his personality. Why did I hate him? Judgy bias, it sucks. I can be a crappy person sometimes. 

I can’t believe that I used to only like, like, Zoe. Bland af Zoe. Although I have to shout out to her for being the person who made me find out hey, I’m not crazy, I just have anxiety!!

Still stan D&P since like... I think about 2012/13 ish? Massive fans of the gming channel. I’ve replayed the undertale playlist like, at least 20 times by now. It’s my comfort thing. Not sure. Stan Ryan Higa for only getting better and funnier with age (big ups to BTS on higatv because it’s super funny). Still dip into zoe every now and then but eh. I am a BIG fan of TomSka, particularly when last week was still running, but just generally he makes me laugh a lot. Last Week was hashtag relatable without the hastag. AKA real depression relatable, not dan howell depression relatable. They’re on different journeys, nothing negative about either of them. Y’all know I love daniel. He is legit the female version of me. Was very creepy, was watching their sorting house video and I answered every single question the same as him, and predicted it would be gryffindor with slytherin/huff leanings. 

I like felix and think he’s very honest but his content can get tiring. But eh, daily uploads are hard. He stays salty about his scandals a lil bit and yeah, he let me down a bit when he let the n-word slip on a livestream BUT for the position he’s in I have to respect how honest he’s become. I don’t stan, but I actively watch his content because I think it’s relevant and fairly important.

Horse youtube I really only watch Eddiesgun and HannahLucy. Envious of their riding and their horses and their yards. 

I really like EYK but preferred them when they were in korea. I go back and watch the kpop content and the food stuff a lot. I like it.

Joe sugg seems like a stand up, really nice guy. I like him. caspar lee not so much.

Jake paul I would never subscribe to in ym life but I dip in occasionally to the vlogs because he’s just so ridiculous and straight up fake. It’s entertaining. I also really like his kind of girlfriend. Erika knowws what she’s doing.

Youtubers I’ve gone off of or just straight up don’t like;

Marcus Butler. What happened man. You used to be relevant. 

Alfie Deyes. he mellowed out, which I don’t hate him for, but the materialism is like... painful to watch. Also the ways he’s handled several issues on his channel makes me feel sick.

Gabby. Loved her after he honesty video, but her content is just so not for me. It just bores me a bit.

Nikkietutorials. Don’t get on with her personality. I find her a lil bit fake. 

I liked markiplier for like a month and then got super bored with him. But I think as a person he’s really great.

Alex Day. Fucking prick. I used to enjoy his content so much (I was a big OG coollike stan) but watching it back now he’s so fucking condescending. 

[creepingsenseofdoom]

So the last few days have been a lovely spiral of mild depression which is from:

Not having future security for the next couple of weeks (I've had this loads of times before and it'll happen again, just gotta get through it)

Money stresses. Not just having none, more being tired of having none. Hopefully that will stop soon.

Being worried that I'm never going to be able to motivate myself to be in the art industry because mental health makes the motivation to practice very hard to find

Guilt over having to leave my current job

Stress over will, because when am I not stressing over will

Worrying ill never meet anyone that I genuinely like more than a friend

General hopelessness which is just side effects really

A nice helping of exhaustion

👍 it will pass

[creepingsenseofdoom]

So I might have a potential job offer that would solve all of my problems

Like, all of them

I can pay back my overdraft

I can have somewhere to live that isn’t just a spare room that I’m paying £20 a week for and I can just be myself and not rely on anyone (the rent is kinda really expensive BUT to not be relying on anyone?? Priceless)

I will work 5 days a week and have actual weekends and afternoons’evening to myself

It pays £8.90 an hour which HELLO that’s amazing?? Going from £7 a week to that??? Please!

The place I will be renting is close enough to my boss to get a lift in to work with him every morning, and then a half hour walk from where will is so I can still keep him at my cheap ass yard.

And with rent, will’s rent and my overdraft repayments, I will still have £100 a week to live on which is like... perfect. Plus, when the overdraft is repaid in 6 months, I will have £600 a month to work with. Right now I make about £126 a week and it all vanishes on rent and will before I can even think about the overdraft.

The job is packing and a little bit of admin so I won’t be exhausted at the end of the day and will have much more time to draw and work on my portfolio/run commissions

The whole thing involves taking a lot of risks and being brave but right now I gotta go where the money takes me

I’m going to ask for a trial day for the job just to make sure that it’s something I can do, but it’s all looking very positive :)

Fingers crossed.

[creepingsenseofdoom]

hey students next door having a party on a wednesday night

shut the fuck up

you all sound like twats

and you missed the key change in an s club song so you’re all trash

 we went through 3 years of living in the same house between a young family and an old lady and we had several parties a year and we NEVER made enough noise to be a nuisance

I’m such a grandma but like... shut the fuck up mate. Why do you have to be so loud? There’s legit no point. 

They’re singing 90s hits but like... I know y’all weren’t born in the 90s. And y’all are tone deaf as shit. 

I hate everyyyoneeeeee

[creepingsenseofdoom]

Two blankets

Duvet

Two pillows

Charger block

Baby wipes

Eyeliner/mascara

Water bottle

Deodorant

Leggings, pjs, socks, t-shirt, fleece, hoodie, headband

Coat, jods, shirt

Book bag

Food

Lights

Torch

Headphones, phone

[creepingsenseofdoom]

Home away from home

In the corner of the stable, build up banks of straw to help insulate the the area. Lay down the tarp and set up the tent on top of it. Fold the tarp over the top of the tent so it’s protected from any leaks in the stable. Build further banks around the tent to insulate further.

Line the base of the tent with the two sherpa blankets so that the straw mattress has a topper. Put in two pillows.

Fold duvet in half and sleep between the two layers.

Line the tent with battery powered fairy lights and hang the torch from the top hook. Charger block. 

Pies and yoghurt in the fridge, water bottle, hot water bottle in case the night goes wrong.

Wear thermal leggings and a pair of fleecy pj bottoms, a long sleeved top, a fleece and a big fleecy hoodie, two pairs of socks, headband, headphones.

A good book, luke and erin journals, sketchbook.

[creepingsenseofdoom]

today

tidy and sort room

transfer some stuff to the yard

transfer most of the stuff to lesleys

finish a commission

draw some mermay

sort all the horses in the evening

fill out claims forms

settle into my new life without a bedroom or a bed

cuddle the dog as i cry

[creepingsenseofdoom]

Most of the time I’m like

I’M SO OVER MENTAL ILLNESSES DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY DON’T AFFECT ME AT ALLLLLL

But then I have big realisation moments where it’s like... fuck.... everything I do is informed by anxiety or anticipation of anxiety. And my responses to things, more often than not, are depressive. 

I wish I was more forthcoming and assertive and open, but clearly that’s not going to happen anytime soon because therapy is expensive and I’m busier than I like just staying alive.

It’s a big deal for me to admit that my laziness is not because I’m a piece of shit, but because it all gets worse because of the depression. It fucking sucks. I’d rather be a happy piece of shit. 

Imma carry on living in my fantasy world, i think.

[creepingsenseofdoom]

I mean, realistically, what do I actually need to survive?

Electricity so I can plug in the things I need - hair dryer, straighteners, laptop, cintiq, phone charger

Water and a fridge and a microwave so I can eat and drink

A toilet or a place in which to poop

Somewhere I can go for hot showers

Somewhere I can go for a good wifi connection so that I can upload art. For everyday internet stuff I can tether off of my phone.

Access to a laundrette

A bed/warm place where I can fester

That’s it, right? I could totally do that living out of a stable, especially if it’s just for a couple of weeks.