crippling-amxiety-and-depression

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Went back to school finally, and after working for 4 months, it’s almost surreal. I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life, just that I’m chugging along. I haven’t really found any passions in between then and now, so for now, we’ll just have to wait and see how school goes. I came to terms with my bisexuality fairly recently though, so there’s always that I guess. I also drunkenly came out to my closest friends, and even though I might not have been sober, they said that they’d support me no matter what, so I’m blessed and thankful to have them at my side. I definitely know I at least have depression to some extent, and I should see a doctor about it soon. I hate admitting that I could have it, because I honestly don’t have a valid reason to be thinking or feeling this way, I just do. It’s always lingering in the back of my head and I try not to let it control my day. For the most part, I’ve been winning, but I had this really bad urge to cry just a few minutes ago. I’m not sure if it’s because of the manga I’m reading, if it’s just my body telling me to end it all, or if I’m finally going crazy, but it’s there. I can’t pretend it’s not there, I just have to deal with it in a weird way and move on. I feel like getting shit faced drunk and drawing, like taking a long walk at 3:40 am, like doing something crazy. I still wonder if I’m ever gonna make it past 25. I think about killing myself a lot more often than I should, I imagine what my mom would go through, or the pain it would cause, or the change it could possibly bring about. I know I mean a lot to my friends and family, but I just don’t see it. I’m 100% committed to finishing school now, but I wonder what people would think of me if I really went through with it. I don’t wanna know any of that. I really don’t. I just don’t know where to really go except forward, but it seems like everything is a dead end. Imma definitely try my damnedest to survive, because there’s a lot more to life than just wallowing in my filth and wondering why I haven’t killed myself yet.

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

“How are you supposed to feel if someone you barely know stops talking to you? Do you have a right to feel frustrated at them, or do you take it out on yourself? Do I bother trying to make new friends, is this what’s gonna happen when I try talking to new people? Am I maybe too boring, am I crazy for thinking like this? Did I say something wrong, or maybe they just don’t wanna be friends and I’m overthinking stuff? Or maybe I just get attached to people to easily.”

All these thoughts go running through my head when a new person loses interest in me. Pretty sure others feel it too, it’s a terrible feeling. Part of me feels terrible for thinking I have a right in the say because obviously people don’t need to feel obligated to tell you why they don’t wanna talk to you anymore, but at the same time it’s a frustrating feeling to deal with. Not knowing what I did wrong personally kills me, and it makes me feel powerless and useless. Like I’ll never be good enough for anyone because I always run into this same issue time and time again. It brings up old wounds too, and makes me feel even more like garbage, because remembering those old experiences reminds me of other times the same thing has happened. It makes me wish I could read minds sometimes so that I can tell what I’m doing wrong, get a new perspective on something and try to improve myself overall. But people are just people I guess.

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Endless-Nameless (Journal Entry #11)

It’s about to be 2 am on a Tuesday (or I guess Wednesday now) night and I can’t sleep. I decided to take a break from school at the end of last quarter and my grades are so bad, if I had failed another class this quarter, I probably would’ve gotten kicked out for being stupid. I’m glad I ended up taking the break anyways, because it’s given me more free time and less things to stress about. ATM I’m currently job hunting and kinda just chilling at home, so that’s been nice. But at the same time, it feels so weird not doing anything for so long, or at least knowing that I’m not doing anything to really try and grow as a person. I wanna try and write more, and also exercise more. I also realize now that changing my major isn’t really gonna help out in the long run if it doesn’t feel right. I ran into that dilemma last quarter and it sucked the motivation out of me. I also kinda feel like I’m falling out of all of my old hobbies, and losing interest in stuff that used to make me feel happy. Taking care of my dogs feels more like a chore than ever, and that worries me, because I don’t wanna see my dogs as burdens. Playing video games has been really boring to me as well, and I haven’t gone to a smash tournament in months. Yugioh has also been less fun, and I’ve grown to care less and less about my health over the past year or so. But whatever, I think things will slowly get better for me, I already hit my low point anyways, so hopefully things will only look up from here.

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Memories of You (Journal Entry #10)

Ah yes, the inevitable Stef post. This one was coming in eventually, just cause it’s crazy to thing how much someone can have an impact on your life without even having that much of a personal connection with them. I bet for all 5 of you reading this, you’re probably thinking, “Oh boy another video game song!”. Well yeah, but for good reason. I played through the game that this song is from, Persona 3, during my Junior year, around the time this shit happened. So anyways in order to explain sophomore/junior year Stef, I first have to explain 8th grade Stef. So Stef was this really nice girl who I knew in middle school. During that time when hormones are running rampant and kids are just figuring out what attraction to others is, having a crush on someone was a pretty common thing imo. Like it feels like something that naturally happens at that age to every kid at least once just cause it’s a part of growing up. Anyways, since my days as a wee lad, I never really had friends of the opposite sex. Idk why really, but throughout my life (even to right now to an extent), I’ve always had a fear of talking to people of the opposite sex for some reason. Idk if it’s a normal thing or not, but I’ve just always been like that. So throughout middle school, it was pretty natural for me to only hang out with guys just cause that’s where I felt comfortable with myself. Around 8th grade, I was able to befriend Stef fairly easily and for once I didn’t feel all nervous and giddy around her, I just felt normal. It was nice, having a friend who was a girl for a change of pace. Our friendship wasn’t too deep, since I never really got to know her that well, but it was still a nice friendship. She had a couple of boyfriends that year and I even remember shouting at him “If you ever hurt her again I’ll kick your ass!” (Which is a total lie since 8th grade me was a 4′7 kid who had yet to hit puberty). If it was to the point where I felt defensive about her like that, I’d say we had a decent friendship. So when we started high school, I ended up kinda losing contact with her since we had different lunch hours and schedules, so I never really saw her. But come sophomore year, we ended up sharing a class where we almost always had free time, so we were able to catch up and rekindle that nice friendship from two years prior. At this point I was a major dork and I was able to make her laugh quite often, and making her laugh so often and just telling stories and talking about anime and what not was just so fun. At this point I was still developing that strong ass friendship I had with the boi Frank, and although I had other people to hang out with, I didn’t have that same dynamic with anyone else. It was a really unique feeling, being able to bring happiness to someone else like that on a nearly daily basis for a year. Before I knew it, I started falling for her and I let my imagination run wild. I was an inexperienced high schooler who was a dork and had never been in anything inherently close to a relationship yet, so I didn’t really know what to say or do. Around this time I met a really cool dude named John (s/o to you you’re chill af man never change <3), and it turns out he had dated Stef during our freshman year (when I didn’t have contact with Stef at all). I ended up telling him how I felt about her (at the time I had no idea they had dated) and I asked him what should I do about it because I sure as hell had no idea what to do about it. He told me to just go for it, and that if anyone had a shot with her it would definitely be me. We had this conversation around March, and I came so close to asking her about it so many times, but I could never bring myself around to doing it. Spring passed, and so did summer, and I still hadn’t acted on my feelings at all. When school started again in August, I would see her every morning walking to class, and I would always smile and say Hi, but never anything else. I still had lingering feelings for her, and I thought of so many different ways of trying it out. Like I knew where her locker was, I easily could’ve just dropped something in there, or asked to talk to her sometime after school, but I never did. I ended up going to the LA county fair towards the end of September, and I think that night was the turning point for me. I was separated from my family for a few minutes, and something about the atmosphere that night really got to me. Seeing all these couples having the time of their lives, and me just sulking around like a sad sack of shit alone really got to me, and left this empty feeling inside of me. I told myself, “If I had told Stef since March, she could’ve been here with me right now. I can’t hold this in anymore”, and from that moment I had decided that the next time  I saw her, I would ask her to the homecoming game/dance and I would at least hear what she had to say about it. Never in my life did I ever feel like my heart was gonna leap out of my chest, I was so nervous that the first time I was gonna tell her I ended up just croaking out a greeting and left as fast as I could because goddamn it was so bad I was just sweating bullets and it was awful. The next time I would see her was in between classes, and for some reason, my dumbass decided, “I have 2 minutes to chat it up, now’s my chance!” (pro tip for all you youngsters out there, trying to do some shit like this in 2 minutes is impossible, abort mission). Instead of my original intention of “Hey do you wanna go to the homecoming game and dance together?” I ended up nervously splurting, “HEY DO YOU WANNA BE MY GIRLFRIEND???” Which by the way I shit you not I said it exactly like that and oh boy i fucking regretted it so much as soon as I said it like man you don’t even know. ANYWAYS MY TERRIBLE GRAMMAR AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE ASIDE she said no in the nicest way possible, but ended up saying six words that would fuck me up to this very day. “Why didn’t you say so sooner?”. At first I was just relieved that we both got this out of the way and I didn’t have to worry about it. But afterwards I started to think about it and that damned question haunted me. It’s silly to say this to a bunch of strangers, but even though Stef and I never had anything going on, it still hurt a lot. I would see her every morning when i walked to my first class, and I would just smile and say hi like everything was fine, but all this was a real blow to how I would interact with people who I liked. Like from now on a constant thought in my head was “I have to say something now or it’ll be too late” or “it’s too late I blew it”. I would see her walking around with other people after school from a window in night school, it really hurt. I had these massive ups and downs for the rest of that school year, and whenever I would go out to the mall or even if someone knocked on my door I would legit freak out because I thought it was her for some weird fucking reason, idk how to describe it but maybe paranoia is the proper word for it? Idk all I know is that I felt like total shit because of this and I honestly felt that if I had just kept my stupid mouth shut things would’ve been so much better. Later on I found out that she was actually really weird and had tried getting with two of my best friends at some point (the fact that she had never even bothered with me despite being willing to date her just rubbed salt in the wound), and that she was overall a really messed up person. Some would say that I really dodged a bullet there (in my case the gun was never really loaded in the first place but I think you get the point) but the whole experience really fucking sucked. I went through so many ups and downs, and hit tons of low points in so little time that I legitimately hated myself, it really sucked. But if all this taught me anything, it’s that you really should keep yourself in check, and don’t let your head run wild with thoughts, cause when it all comes crashing down it hurts even harder. Anyways it’s 2:30 am and I haven’t dropped the song link yet, give this song a good listen some of the lyrics remind me of a shittier time but in a good way, especially since I beat this game during one of my ups and it was just overall a feel good moment ^~^

Kimi no Kioku (Original Jap. Version): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-CSZDbKuL4 Memorie of You (KICKASS COVER BY AN AMAZING HUMAN NAMED SAPPHIRE, GO CHECK HER OTHER SHIT OUT THIS SONG MAKES ME SO HAPPY AHHH): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOKyf_7J6sA

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Creep (Journal Entry #9)

I feel like I can relate to this song on a personal level. I don’t think I’m the only person to say that, but hopefully I’m the last. No one should ever wish that they were different just to please/impress someone else. I’ve recently been feeling like I need to depend on others just to keep myself going, which is something I’d rather not do. Idk i just wanna not feel empty and lonely anymore. 

Creep: https://youtu.be/XFkzRNyygfk

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Memento Mori (Journal Entry #8)

Even though I can’t understand a single word in the song (aside from sleep walk), My Testimony makes me question what life really is about. The song plays in the fourth Persona 3 movie, and the lyrics are referring to the meaning of life. Listening to it at 1 AM makes me feel hollow and empty, and having a “waifu” can’t just fill in that emptiness. Persona 3 is an amazing game, go play it if you haven’t yet. It’ll definitely remind you that we can’t escape death, and that we should enjoy every precious moment of our lives. Memento Mori, which is Latin for, “Remember that you will die,” is a phrase that stuck with me after finishing the game. Life really is something weird and inexplicable, and coming to terms with the fact that we’ll all die one day is probably one of the most important things about life. Life wouldn’t be like without death, so just enjoy your lives, all 5 of you who are reading this, and I’ll dream of my waifu as if she existed and loved me.

My Testimony: https://youtu.be/o31k0HlQBq0

(P..S. Sorry for no entries in a while, I’ve been busy with school and what not and  haven’t really had time to write about stuff. I’ll get back into a normal schedule soon enough though, so thanks for putting up with this, Especially you Frank, I know you read this shit e,e)

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Space Oddity (Journal Entry #7)

Sometimes in life, we have this inexplicable feeling of peace and absolute happiness. Hearing Space Oddity reminds me of all those moments where nothing could go wrong, and I’d realize that these tiny moments of peace were worth having to put up with all the shitty things in life. I remember laying own on a flat jumper alongside Evelyn on a cool autumn night, both of us staring at the stars and wondering what awaited us later in life. I remember staring at the fireworks at Disneyland, and how both Luis and I ended up pouring out how we felt about others, and how we both cried to each other for a few moments, while everyone stared in awe of the fireworks that were going off in the sky. I’m reminded of that time all 6 of us managed to spend a day together after school, and how we lazily waited for the hours to pass by while we talked about what was to come after we graduated. I’m reminded of our school’s homecoming game during my sophomore year, and how I gave my sweater to Stef to keep her warm, and how I thought that letting her use that sweater would somehow net me some points with her. I’m reminded of those nights where I’d cry myself to sleep because everything was spiraling out of control, and distancing myself from my own friends because I thought that it was the end of the world after I found out that both my best friend and I were after the same person. The point is, Space Oddity brings up the points in life where I felt so close to someone, yet so far at the same time. Like I was able to make some sort of connection with someone, and we were both able to understand each other for only a few seconds, and no one else in the entire world mattered for those few moments. Even though I never listened to a David Bowie song until after he died, the power that this song carries is amazing, an it make me really reflect on my own past, and imagine how different things could have been if I wasn’t so stupid with what I did, whether those outcomes would’ve been good or bad. I wonder if this song brings out similar feelings in others, and if those memories are also ones that they hold dear to themselves.

Space Oddity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYYRH4apXDo

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Runner’s High (Journal Entry #6)

So I recently started playing a dating sim called Katawa Shoujo, a dating sim where all of the girls have some sort of physical disability (I know this starts out really weird, but stick with me here, I promise the title will connect back to the subject at hand). One of the girls in the game, Emi, is missing her legs and competes in foot races on the school’s track and field team. Since the protagonist of the game has a heart condition, choosing to follow Emi’s path will end up with the protagonist picking up jogging as a hobby for health reasons. During a conversation that the main character has with Emi, she mentions having Runner’s High, or a feeling of accomplishment that you get after running, despite being tired. When I was playing the game and I read the phrase, “Runner’s High,” my immediate thought was an anime called Fooly Cooly. The only reason I could make this connection anyways was because one of the songs in the anime’s soundtrack is called Runner’s High, and I absolutely adore the song. But to get to my point, the connection to Fooly Cooly brought back so many memories of having to face my problems head on, since around the time I watched it, I was going through a few issues of my own that I kept on running away from. And ironically enough, Emi herself was running away from her problems in Katawa Shoujo. The connection that I made when I read that phrase was way too personal for my own tastes, and I legitimately stopped playing the game for a few minutes to reflect on my past. I feel like the impact that Fooly Cooly had on my life can be explained in another post by itself, but for now I’ll mention that it helped me realize what it meant to grow up during a time when I was a few months away from being held responsible as an adult. But more than anything, Fooly Cooly taught me to face my problems head on, and I could pass that knowledge onto Emi. Even if she is just a bunch of code that’s meant to react in a specific way based on your choices, it’s still comforting to know that it’s not always a bad thing to ask for help, and that running away from your problems does nothing to solve them. I might pick up morning jogs because of Katawa Shoujo, so hopefully Runner’s High feels as good as Emi makes it out to be.  

(PS: I’m considering leaving a link to the song mentioned in the title, since I feel like some people might be curious what I’m talking about. If all 5 of you out there are reading this don't agree with it, please let me know and I’ll stop it.)

Runner’s High: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQbxLcMTZxQ&t=9s

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

21 Guns (Journal Entry #5)

I’m not the biggest Green Day fan out there, but I was folding my clothes when this song came up and it made me wanna write. Life has been pretty hectic as of lately cause of school, and I’ve been loosing all motivation to do anything. Suicide jokes have also reached an all time high, and bad thoughts are plaguing my mind again. It’s weird, especially since I was in a groove of happiness for a few months now, and whatever feelings of desperateness I had were only temporary. Now I’m staring to question if that time period of happiness was real, or if my own head was deceiving me for a while. I feel like having to question my own state of happiness is a bad sign for things to come. I’m considering picking up a new manga to read since I kinda have to fight these bad feelings off by keeping myself busy, but idk. Playing more smash might just do the trick too, but at this point I’m kind of too worried about school and other stuff to try and monitor my growth in a video game. Besides, it’s not like I’m a professional at the game or anything, I can’t even perform well at a local level ;~; I’ve also been getting way less sleep as of lately, so I don’t know if that could be it either. My mom keeps on pushing me to get more sleep because she keeps on saying that it’s messing with my mental state, but I’m not sure if that’s the case. But regardless of a video game or my own current mental state, I have to push though this shitty part of life and move on as fast as I can so that I can get on to better things.

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Tusk (Journal Entry #4)

This song really reminds me of cowboys and what not, but the reason I really like it is because IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING JOJO REFERENCE, AND I LOVE ME SOME JOJO! In all seriousness though, this song is really cool and is near and dear to me because it reminds me that in order to reach something good, sometimes we have to put up with the bad first. Johnny Joestar’s stand, Tusk, is one that evolves over the course of the story. As Johnny grows and develops as a character, his stand, Tusk, grows along side him, and exerts 4 phases, or acts. Once Tusk reaches act 4, it is able to send a person into an infinite rotation, and even switching places with a version of yourself from a different dimension can’t save you. So now you might be asking, what does this have to do with me? It has absolutely nothing to do with me, it’s just that Tusk is probably one of my favorite stands in all of Jojo, and the song it’s named after is just as great.

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Paradise (Journal Entry #3)

I was gonna write another journal entry before this one but I got a bit too lazy ;~; But in other news, I’ve found a new obsession for pop figures ;u; The only thing that sucks is that I’m not supposed to be spending money on them, but for some reason, I still am. Typing in the dark also isn’t as fun as I thought it would be, especially since my laptop’s keyboard doesn't have a backlight. So apparently two of my friends that were dating recently broke up, so I hope that they’re both doing alright. I think that they’ll be fine since they’re both really strong people, but I guess only time will tell how things end up. What preoccupies me the most right now is how we’re all slowly drifting apart from each other, especially because of how busy school keeps all of us. Paradise just came on and this song is probably a really good description of how life is right now. I just wanna escape to my own little paradise to get away from all of the stress of school and life. It feels like the world is slipping from my fingers, and my only remedy is to escape through the words I’m typing right now. I wish I could get away from it all, even if it were only for a few minutes.

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Down in the Dumps (Journal Entry #2)

I feel like as people, we all have our highs and lows in life. What makes life so great is being able to push through the lows and make it to the highs, and having the memories of those good times to look back on when you’re sad to keep on pushing. I feel like I’m in a low right now because of all the stuff that’s been going on around me as of lately, and it really does suck. The motivation I had to do even the most simple things is just flat out gone now, and it feels as if everything is coming to a halt for me even though the world still moves at its fast pace. Maybe I’m just being a bitch, but I genuinely feel lost right now. A good friend of mine recently told me that it’s up to me to make the changes that I want to improve, but some of this stuff is out of my control. I can’t just wake up one day and say “I want my dog to be healthy again! :D” and magically expect my dog’s tumors to disappear. I get that it’s supposed to be a motivating piece of advice, but it didn’t do much to help. So now I’m kind of just stuck wondering what I’m gonna do next, which isn’t an easy question to answer, especially since I don't even know what I want myself.

[crippling-amxiety-and-depression]

Anime Music & Senior Year (Journal Entry #1)

Usually I write these journal entries by hand in my green little notebook, but I feel like the pounding of my laptop keys is calming. Today was a pretty bad day in terms of what I got done, and I’ve been feeling way less motivated as of lately. More than ever, I feel like I’m not gonna go anywhere with my life, and I think that I’m stuck in a rut again. It doesn’t even have anything to do with love or stuff like that, I just genuinely feel like nothing I do will help me out in the future. I know that college is supposed to be tough and challenging and what not, but it really doesn’t help that I don’t have as much freedom in taking other classes as I would’ve should I have chosen another major, like psychology or music. But I’ll deal with the consequences for now and learn from it while I still can. I feel like starting a Tumblr blog at this point to dump all of this journal nonsense into would be nice, but then I’d feel like some sort of cuck by doing that. It might help to have another opinion though but who knows. I’m listening to the Fooly Cooly soundtrack as I type this and it always makes me feel so nostalgic for some reason, even though my first viewing of the series was on a whim at 2 in the morning one random November night. I also have the soundtrack from Erased on here, and even though I have no idea what any of the vocalists are talking about, the songs just evoke a flurry of emotions in my head. It can swing from remembering a funny part of a series, to still thinking about how Stef did so much damage to how I see myself, even though we never came close to dating. Beautiful Morning with You is probably my favorite song though, because that song also reminds me of when I decided that I liked Angie on a whim for some goddamn reason, and how I almost severed the bond that I share with Frank because of it. This song also reminds me of Stef because it just has a really depressing riff that conveys both rage and regret into the strumming of a few strings; it reminds me of what was going on in my head the most at the time. It’s strange to think about it now though. A small high school crush ended up molding me into who I am today, and how I tend to distance myself from people who I don’t share any similarities with right off the bat. Last Dinosaur reminds me of the fun times I shared with my friends in high school, and all the memories we made leading up to our graduation. Watching the sun set on the tables in between the counselors’ offices and the Viking Inn was just the most relaxing thing ever, especially because it was with some of the people that I held dearest to me. We would just talk about our days, share whatever memes made us laugh during the mundane school ours, complain about people who pissed us off the most, and just hang out, like a bunch of normal teenagers normally would. It was a beautiful thing really; our entire lives were ahead of us and we could afford to watch time pass by lazily while we waited for adulthood to set us free. Now that Little Busters is playing, I’m reminded of walking to get pizza with Frank and Reef and hanging out at the mall for a bit. It was a pretty nice feeling as well because when the table already had someone else, or we were just hungry after a long day, we could just chow down. Walking around in general was always fun since it was still basically just talking about stuff. Bran-New Lovesong. This song specifically takes me back to all the painful memories, and when I would shut myself in my room all day (I still do this now), and tune everything out while wondering why I couldn’t just be happy for once. Hell, I still don’t know to this day if I really am happy, but it’s been real fun so far, that’s for sure. The ending theme to Erased is another song that brings up really strong feelings inside of me, and my favorite thing to do was to turn up my phone’s volume to as loud as would go, and soak it all in. It was a nice way to escape from all of the troubles in my head, and it would bring clarity in those moments of confusion. Even though the song itself has a chaotic feel to it, the peace it would bring afterwards was the most relaxing thing ever. Funny how this journal entry started out as a rant of the day’s events, but turned into a synopsis of the events that took place exactly one year ago, and what was going on in my head at the time. It’s probably because that’s what I’m listening to as I type this at 12:30 A.M. TL;DR: Anime music helps you deal with depressing times kiddos, just don’t let the music amplify your feelings to a greater level instead of using the music as an escape to make sense of how you really feel right now. Also, don’t fall for your best friends, nothing but painful memories will come from it.