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I told him

I told my best friend that I'm in love with him and holy fucking shit he loves me too. What do I even do!?

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Me: I should focus more on my mental health!

Me to Me: ...How about you don't eat for three days and ignore all of your friends?

Me: ...

Me: ...

Me: Sounds good!

#thedamntruth

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The Softest Silence

I know how a whisper sounds surrounded by the softest silence, where breathing out a word becomes louder than a hush sometimes it’s everything to sit with you, savoring  the silence of nothing floating in the soundless air where we enjoy each other wordlessly…

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Drama, internally.

Im not one for drama.

I've been living in a drama filled hell for yhe past four years (it wasnt all bad, but it was far more painful than it needed to be).

Im single now. My husband and I are divorcing, I've been divorced in my own head for over a year now so I have no tears left to cry. Nobody knows but Im falling in love with my best friend. I only know him online, he lives on the other end of the world, is in a masters degree program, single and enjoying his freedom, and Im a single mom with two kids, who owns a struggling illustration business.

I'm so fucked.

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today i stayed in the library for 8 years - time is not real for me anymore and i didn’t drink nearly enough coffee, but the day’s almost over. better things tomorrow?

(also grandma knitted that ladybug pencilcase for me and i love it so much!!)

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Focus on the beautiful parts of life. There are so many.

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Study breaks are really important, but sometimes it can be difficult to think of what to do, or even know what kind of break to take. So here are some suggestions for breaks depending on how you’re feeling at the time. 

Some generic multipurpose breaks:

Yoga or guided meditation.

Moisturise your hands, or paint your nails.

Go to the toilet, and get a drink.

Go for a walk.

Play a game online.

Listen to some music.

Write down a bit of your daydream.

Make a meal.

Play with a pet.

Read an article/wiki page

For when you’re overwhelmed:

Have a relaxing shower with a favourite body wash.

Make sure to step away from your study space, this is important.

Go for a walk; do a short yoga routine, or a 15 minute guided meditation.

Talk to a friend or parent, see if they can give you some support.

Give yourself a treat - like a packet of chocolate buttons, or something small you enjoy. Eat them, and savour them, away from your desk.

For when nothing seems to be coming together:

Make a to-do list of what needs to be done.

Look at the task as if you’ve never seen it before.

Have lunch or a snack, or nice drink. Do it away from your desk.

Do something you enjoy, like reading a bit of a book, or playing a playlist you like.

Talk to someone about the problem; ideally a supportive parent, friend, or teacher

For when you are stressed and want to rip your hair out:

Shower, or have a bath.

Watch funny videos online, or read those funny reviews, like the Haribo gummy bears ones.

A short yoga or guided meditation video can really help (and I’m not one of those ‘yay, yoga’ people, but it can really help).

Do something you are capable of doing without much stress - this could be a chore, a hobby, or something random you like.

Make yourself a drink you enjoy, make it as special as you can, and then find somewhere else to drink it.

When you are bored:

Engage in productive procrastination.

Learn a new skill - such as a basic crochet stitch, or how to start a fire without a lighter.

Watch a TedTalk, or short documentary on YouTube.

Make a study playlist, try to include some music you’ve not heard before.

Find a new recipe to try / place to visit.

Play a quick game online - bingo, pictionary, etc.

When you are hungry, but the bored kind of hungry:

Try eating something that takes longer to prepare. Not just a snack that’s quick to grab, but something that takes a little more time. Cut up your fruit, make it look nice; make several snacks that can be stored for latter or another day.

Take a few minutes to some pictures of your study space or notes, edit them and make them into a post ready to pop on your blog.

Go for a wander. It needn’t be outside, even walking around the stacks in a library and looking for some interesting titles can give you a break (and an inflated reading list, so do this one at your peril).

Paint your nails, or do some cuticle maintenance by moisturising them.

Spend five minutes on Pinterest looking at ideas for crafts or something you enjoy (make sure to set a timer for this, it’s easy to be distracted).

When you haven’t taken a break in a while because breaks are for wussies:

Read about the Pomodoro method and how it helps boost productivity. Use a free timer app to give it a go.

Zentangle, relaxation colouring, going to the toilet, etc.

Just chil-lout. Seriously, do something to relax yourself. You need a break!

When literally anything is more interesting than what you’re supposed to be doing:

Go for a short walk, or do a few stretches away from your study space.

Watch a TedTalk on something interesting or a totally random subject.

Find an article/wiki page on something you know nothing about. Remember to limit yourself, time-wise, on this sort of thing.

Organise your bag/folder/pencil case (anything small you have on you).

Listen to some music in a target language/language you would like to learn.

When something keeps distracting you:

If it’s something you can get rid of, try to do that.

If it’s something you need to do, if possible, then to do it.

If it’s a thought that won’t go away, take five minutes and write it down in as much detail as you can, and then put it away for later.

Leave your study space for a moment, get up and walk around a bit, maybe stretch your neck, back and arms.

Tell your pet what’s wrong. Bonus if you do this in another language.

For when you feel like giving up:

This is a good time to step away from your work and doing something else entirely for a little while. Take a longer break, watch an episode of a show you like, or browse for some new music, read a bit of a book.

Take a shower.

Make yourself a drink and something to eat, and eat it away from your desk. Relax a bit while you’re doing so, and set up a pomodoro-style timer when you get back to studying, so you can remember you’ll soon have another break.

Engage in a small act of kindness.

Pet a cute fluffy friend.

When you feel entirely unproductive:

Perform some productive procrastination! Vacuum the house; wipe down a window, scrub the kitchen tiles, reorganise your underwear drawer. Pick a chore that needs doing and do that. Honestly, even just tidying a bookshelf, or taking your washing out of your room, or packing away some clothes can help. Do something where you will be able to see a visible difference that your actions have made.

Spend half an hour on a hobby you like - knit, make origami swans, fiddle around with a robotics project.

That thing you’ve been putting off? Go on, go and do it, and tick it off your check-list.

I hope that these give you a few ideas for much-needed, and productivity-boosting breaks.

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it takes

4 weeks: to see a change in your body

8 weeks: for your friends to notice

12 weeks: for everyone else to notice

One day: for you to start making that change

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I want:

To be able to wear sweatpants and look cute and comfy instead of fat and lazy

To eat what I wanted to front of people and not have them ask if I should really be eating that

To hear “you’ve lost so much weight!” and “you look amazing!”

To be light enough to sit on someone’s lap without worrying about crushing them

My thighs to barely touch even when i sit down

My wrists and hands to look dainty and elegant

To be able to wear a bikini without feeling ashamed 

To be able to dance around wearing nothing but a bra and underwear with my friends and not feel self conscious

To be able to wear my hair in any style, because they all look good with my sharp jawline and high cheekbones

My ribs to show through my skin

My cheek bones to be sharp enough to cut a bitch

To slip easily into XS jeans and leggings

To be able to wear crop tops and cropped hoodies

To be able to rock a belly button piercing

To lie and sit in any position and not be self conscious about rolls or hanging fat

To not be worried about my shirt riding up when I stretch or twist

To look right at home in the gym

To not sweat just from 2 minutes of jogging

People to offer me piggy backs and be able to pick me up and swing me around because I’m so light

To look cute and petite in large sweatshirts and hoodies

To be able to wear skinny jeans and shorts and skirts and leggings and look amazing in all of them

To not worry if I gain a few pounds, because I know I can lose them easily, and still look skinny

To have my hipbones show even when I’m standing up 

To have sharp, prominent collar bones

To have shoulder blades that look like wings

To be able to wear cute bralettes and lingerie 

To be the envy of other girls

To be skinny

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THANK YOU!! ❤❤

IMPORTANT

In one month I lost 25-30 pounds by calorie restricting. I went from weighing 165-170 to 140. I didn’t reach all my goals, binged more than I’d have liked to, and probably went a whole week without working out in addition to other days I didn’t work out.

My husband came home for 10 days and I gained nearly 10 pounds, getting back up to 150. I didn’t eat up to 3500 calories a day (the amount most need to gain 1 pound per day), meaning the sodium in the junk food I was eating had my body retaining water.

Hubs has been gone 3 days and I’m already back at 140.

My point is: don’t freak out if you don’t reach all your goals and don’t freak out with weight gain when you go from restricting to eating greasy junk. If you’re not going over your daily recommended calorie intake, you’ll lose the weight once you get back to restricting/eating healthily.

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I'm leaving my husband.

I'm just tired. I'm over it.

He does nothing at all 90% of the time and ignores me. I already feel like nothing -and that's not his fault- but I don't need to waste my time being controlled by his low self esteem.

He gets upset when I clean. Because it make him feel bad that he's not helping...but he won't get up and help me either. I'm depressed because my house is thrashed all the time.

My depression is becoming too much and he's toxic to me. I feel like I'm the person people look down on, for not sticking by him as he struggles with his mental illnesses, but I've stood by him for this long and there's a point where it just becomes too exhausting to handle anymore. My mind viciously insults me with, "well how do you think he feels? It's not like he wants to have the battles he has" and I know that...

Maybe I'm being selfish, but I've got my own issues. Between my eating disorder and what I believe is OCD (undiagnosed) I've got demons to battle as well and I can't stand with him while he fights his daemons if he just ignores me when I'm fighting mine.

I love him dearly but I need to be alone. I need to be allowed to be myself with no interruptions. To grow, to cope, to bloom.

It's been winter in my life for too long and I'm done with it.

We have two children and I worry about being a single mom, but I worry about what they will see as normal if I stay with him. I don't have the luxury of wearing my illness on my sleeve to get the help I need because where would my kids go? With the father who all but ignores them 90% of the time? Or the grandmother who's own low self esteem fed my eating disorder as a teenager.

At least my husband can go to a treatment facility and be gone for almost a full year of our sons life, cumulative...to get the help he needs. Great. Meanwhile I'm alone with the kids and there's no escape. I don't get that lucky break. I don't get to take a nap in the middle of the day and then ignore my family all day. No. I have to abuse my own mind to force myself to get up and make pancakes or at least go through a drive through so our children do not starve, meanwhile the only way I can feel like I have control over anything is by restricting, fasting and obsessively logging every detail of it in my journal.

Pity parties are a waste of time.

I don't feel bad for myself. But I am angry. Angry that I'm not being seen by him. Angry that he doesn't seem to care enough to try harder to meet me halfway even when he says he does. And angry at myself for letting him get his claws into me so deeply that I feel like the bad guy for leaving.

Finally I said, "Yeah. I'm a bitch. I'm a selfish shallow person who is leaving you while you struggle. Oh well. I guess that's just who I am, but it's what is going to get me to a happier place In life so that's fine. I'll be whatever I have to be."

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Cozy afternoon 🍁

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26.11.2017//

It’s messy but it’s cozy so nobody will judge…right?💫

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LOG: Nov 17, 2017

Weight: 194.8 Intake: B: 5″ Pancake Plain (90)     1/4 TBSP Peanut Butter (47)

L: Double decker taco (320)

D: Hamburger Plain - Mcdonalds (250)     Handful of French Fries (115)

Output: -None-

Total: 796

The fuck did I even do today?  I guess it’s kind of in ballpark for calorie total (I’m working to keep it under 800--with bonus points if it’s under 700) but the content of those calories is total shit today.  I need to work on that.  sigh Also, my homework is eating me alive right now because finals is almost here and I’m dying a little.  I’m going to be posting some studyspo if I find some.  Let’s imagine our school lives are as nice and clean as our insides. (or, more clean, maybe, given what I’ve eaten today). 

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