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Sadness

I’ve felt sadness before, but never like this. It makes me sad to imagine living a life remotely similar to how I’ve been in the past. It makes me sad to identify with the person I am. I can’t believe I’m like this at the moment. I think it’s because I’ve given all up to a life I never truly believed in. I want to change that, but I still don’t know how. My whole life, I was working to get to this moment, I thought I would know but I’m still as clueless and a bit less energized to try again. I feel like I’ve reached an impasse, where I can decide to just accept this life. The life I’ve worked so hard for, to integrate into a workplace that I don’t truly believe in. Though I’m currently on track for a financially healthy trajectory. I feel like I’m missing something. I miss my ex-gf. She gave me so much inspiration. You don’t even know. I loved to hear about her pain, and how she’s endured. All the crazy shit she’s done that I don’t support. Though I can understand.  I think what I’m truly inspired by is the process in her mind. Just ask yourself the question, what do you want and do that. I feel like it’s so much harder for me because I worked so hard for my current situation, though I know there’s not much glory in it. I want to use my life for something that is personally meaningful. So what do I want?  I just want to do this honestly, write and ponder so that I can connect myself more often. So that I can actually be equipped to answer this question. I find it such a shame that I can’t answer it passionately. My un-connect self has an answer surly, the one that motivates my brainless day-to-day grind. work to make money to be comfortable to enjoy life outside of work. But I’m seriously tired of work. It’s so monotonous and nothing like the amazing things I would learn about in school or be inspired by. I hate living a life that is so un-inspiring. but I’ve built myself up to be slightly above mediocre in almost everything I do. What am I suppose to do with slightly above mediocre?  I want to be happy, I wish that society pushed that thought on me at first. I wonder if I would have become an actuary, no. Because the reason I became an actuary in the first place was because I heard the work life balance was amazing. But actually, it’s fucking terrible. I work so much, I work so effing much, I work more than I did in college, and I was a freaking work a holic in college. When am I ever going to stop working??? when am I every going to connect with myself? where’s my big trip to find myself I’ve dreamt about, why is this so easy for everybody else? I need to do a lot of self-work.  Why is it that the happiest part of my life was a toxic relationship with a person who I still love deep down. Why am I having to fight my bodies want again from what I really want just because of what society tells me about being in a toxic relationship? Why is my life just turning into a prescription formula.  I feel like I have accomplished something by edging out of my past relationship. I don’t think that’s return to that is a possibility anymore. The whole beauty of it is marred in trauma on both sides. 

I’m so sad. Will I be a better version of myself if I did more self connecting? Is that what NVC is for? will the world be happier with a happier me? Am I going to inspire others one day, will I make my partner happy as opposed to sad one day? Can I have a happy family one day? Can I do it all if I just work on self connecting? Does this fall into place? Do I need to break away from everything in my life that I feel gets in the way of my self connection? How could I feel more self connected? If I did more body work? Exercise, meditation, art? Where would you find me? Would I be somewhere in the sierras? What would I carry around with me? A book, journal, art supplies, math readings, instrument, rock climbing equipment. Lots of the things mention require a huge degree of preparation. How do I find myself if I’m so busy preparing. Isn’t finding yourself something your ready to do without preparation? I just have to go. I don’t think it’s wise to wait for others to inspire me. I think I need to. That’s what I truly want. I don’t want others to fill my void. Not because I don’t want to invite people into my life - I do. But I want to fill the void with me and not others because it would be much more fulfilling for me.  I’m sad my past relationship may potentially be as hurt or more. I wish I could do more about that. I want to move on though. so that’s what I must do. 

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My Left Brain’s Desires

I sorta have some free time on my hands.  The unfortunate thing is that I’m using it to just lay down in bed.  This is a shame because there’s a critically acclaimed filmed waiting to be written.  

So this just entered my mind, I’m going to climb Yosimite’s Half Dome tomorrow.  

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I’M BACK!  Good god I’m back.   After a shameless google search of my name, I stumbled upon this old thing.  Now don’t go calling your reletives and telling them I might start blogging again.  I mean this might be true but there’s no need to be so high profile, right?  That’s right, after a four year hiatus from the blogsphere I have become less of an attention whore (Whooo clap it up).  

In all seriousness, I didn’t plan on that first paragraph ending the way it did.  I singed on with the sole intentions of updating you guy’s (future me) on my current position in life and possibly on my new ideals.   So this next sentence is a note to past me.  Congrats, you’re at UC Berkeley studying math with great job prospects.  Whooo, drams do come true.  And I think a celebration is in order but, let me tell you, dream chasing is a lot more satisfying then living the so-called “dream”.  Yup, my newly found pessimism makes it’s first tumblr appearance.  Not that I am a pessimist, It’s just that, growing up has a way of making all of your childhood aspirations seem trivial and almost completely irrelevant.  Nevertheless, I’m proud of you bub.  Your head has always been in the right place and now I’m kinda sad about not being as infinitely optimistic as you were.  Yes, back when I was you I remember always doing things keeping in mind that what I do today may or may not affect the future presidential campaign.  Because of course, a low-income, central valley, hispanic, catholic (atheists/agonistic/humanitarian) is in the running for those types of things.  Ha, man I would be ashamed of myself telling you this.  In a way, this is just me reiterating all the things society have been telling me.  And here you would ask: “Society huh? well if we know that society is the problem lets  walk up to this society and show it a piece of our mind.”  Not in these exact words of course but you would understand that scapegoating society is...well it’s a thing a sore loser would do when he/she can’t direct blame anywhere else.  But I’m telling you, I haven’t forsaken my ideals and ambitions and I haven’t been reduced to a society blaming chump.  It’s just that it’s true.  People have continued to be super nice to me.  And life never explicitly holds me down or purposely stifle my ambitions.  As a matter a fact, I wouldn’t be able to recollect one instant that was slightly oppressive.  However, I can say that all I have earned has been hard fought.  And though I’m relatively successful, i have realized how blindly I have entered into all of my battle.  My preparations is laughable compared to those who have had the support of others  who have also faired the rough waters of American capitalistic society.  The best part about me, however, is that I turn around and laugh back in society’s face with my unwavering dream chasing.  FUCK YOU Society, you need to go find a new home.   Yup.  Let’s relax a bit.  

[cristastic-blog]

"I was born to do this you don't have to check my punnett square"

--C.B. 

(:

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Its better to die dreaming then to let your dreams die

Da Homie Edgar

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Life as i know it.

     Life, its no mystery that it is truly phenomenal.  In a the form of a pun life is one of the best experiences you'll ever live through (;.  Its the day before the start of my second semester of junior year and im in my bed still up thinking of everything i been through.  My biggest influence in my life is defiantly school because all of my major memories involve it or the people i met in it.  Everything before that was pretty much my parents keeping me alive, not really talking to me or telling me there thoughts about life just how to eat, sleep, and move and my morals.  Now that i remember my parents didnt even teach me how to tie my own shoes.  So i went to school blind, the only thing i really knew about society was what i seen on the television.  My journey into the Dinuba Unified School District was my main influence on the way my personiaitly works.  I could describe it like a car on neutral and ill go anywere i was pushed towards.  And for most of my years success was the last thing i was heading towards.  My elementary year i was always near failling, constantly got citations and other displinary punishments; My reputation wasnt real well.  I barley even got through my jr. high years graduating on stage.  The only thing that got me there was that i had a good head on me and i natrually passed most of my classes but i had no real earge or motivation.  My parents always just look at my grade at find something bad about them anyways.  It wasnt till i entered a program called upward bound when i finally put my car in gear and went were i wanted to go.  I THANK GOD for giving me that oppurinity because i really did nothing to get it.   In 8th grade, i was just randomly selected out of many other kids in my school to go to the cafeteria one day and there was the Upward bound recuiters trying to recurit.  When i was there i remember thinking that that program sounds so dumb and everything but like i said most of my influences came from my peers and me being in this program was no different.  My freind since elementary, Catrina Anzuladu, pushed me to do the program with her and by the time she told me to there was one last meeting that upcoming week to still join.  All of this looking back is so amazing how everything was so perfect, like i was ment to be apart of this program.  Thats when i finally took my car outta neutral and in gear and i started doing what I wanted to do.  I finally started using my brains to its ponteial and started acing every single one of my classes from there on ward.  Not only did i do that but i was involved i was a leader in the classrooms I played sports i did it all.  Its really crazy seeing the postion im in now because it was only 3 years ago were my life looked like it was doomed to working in the field.  I have many ancedotes i could tell you about my life that would add to the amazingness of how life is but thats way to long but i could leave u these words I look back and not once do i say "WHAT IF" and thats the way its suppose to be.   

--Cristian Solorio, Jr. class President (:<1234

1:52 am 1/2/11, Cheers to a better year!

P.s ill write about my memories in some other post. DUCES

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Bucket List

(: Its the New Year and I'm looking back at me last year and I'm really happy of where im at.  I Even found my Bucket list from last year so Here it is:

The "HARDCORE" List

Taste every single beverage starbucks offers.

Run a mile in 5 mins.

Kiss a famouse girl.

kiss the famouse girl another time (:

Party with polticians

Fall in love 

Go sucba diving in the great bearrier reef

Go to college

Invent something.

own my very own auntie annes pretzel shop.

Read the biblie

Go too space.

Become asb president for Dinuba High School

vist the seven wonders of the world

go to greece

explore the gallopgoes island

shake the presidents hand

swim with the dolphines

hang out with a monkey

Have a charcter on a cartoon show based on me

Go to fosters freeze and PIG out

Street race

Learn to play piano and sing

Get a nuke on cod

Scream "ROAD TRIP" before going on a road trip

quit a job very dramtically

act in a play

WEAR A TEN gallon hat in teaxes

Win Div.3 valley championship senior year

Keep a blog

Win the computer in chess

Help an old man cross the street 

Get married to Taylor Swift

Start a school named Cristian Academy

Create some new Math formula called Solorio Therome

Go to a World Cup Championship

Become a Good Freestyler

Throw a Crazy Party

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My First Real Blog.

Hello Tumblr I have decided that i will from here on out decided to post my thoughts about the world and such.  Well since im going to be on here a lot I should probaly tell you a little about myself.  My name is Cristian E. Solorio (; ask your gf if u forget. ha. jp.  I go to Dinuba High School and been attending Dinuba unified school district for my entire life. I have a family that i would never trade, consisting of my Mom, Dad, Brother Juan, sister joslyn, and Little brother alexander.  I am 16 years old with my birthday landing on March 28.  I play Football and wreastle.  Futhermore, i have huge aspirations to go to a highly distinguished university perferably stanford.  I also have bigger dreams that i still havent exactly figured out but broadly speaking i want to influence the world positivity". At this p

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summer...bummer

too many boring summer days!