cryptid-bu1ch

[cryptid-bu1ch]

The real reason why you need to be social is the best chinese place within 10 miles is an unknown hole in the wall with a yearly marketing budget of $15 dollars and you will never, ever find it unless someone tells you about it.

[cryptid-bu1ch]

[cryptid-bu1ch]

sometimes you go down the rabbithole of online kink so far you have people being like “you think inner ear oviposition is a ‘weird’ kink? wait until you hear the nasty shit i, a real pervert, am into” and blog posts that are like “it’s so hard to find someone to dig a nine foot deep hole with when all the doms i can find want to dig a five foot deep hole max :/“ and then you remember that a sizeable portion of the population consider liking anal to be freaky

[cryptid-bu1ch]

I know that some British people take umbrage at Americans calling the Great British Bake Off relaxing, but it's just because GBBO is such a different kind of stressful from American baking shows.

American baking shows will be called something like "Cupcake Knife Fight", there's horror movie lighting everywhere and dramatic stings every 5 seconds. All of the contestants are shit talking each other and fist fighting over the one single deep fryer provided by production. It will show the judges all whispering to each other at their super villain table overlooking the whole kitchen, and one will be like, "Oh my god. Everyone look at Brenda right now. She's straight tanking it." And it will cut to Brenda, who is running around covered in flour and crying and also bleeding for some reason. Then you get a clip from an interview with one of the contestants, and they're like, "I really need to win this. Without this award money, I'm gonna need to close my restaurant, sell my dad, and live out of my car. AGAIN." Then the giant digital doomsday clock overhead lets out a horrid klaxon, the judges tell half of them that their cupcakes taste disgusting, and one of them gets eliminated and sent to walk down the dramatically-lit shame hallway never to be seen again.

Meanwhile GBBO is in a lovely, brightly colored tent, there are delightful and friendly hosts/jesters there to keep everyone entertained, and all of the B Roll is of like... a bumblebee going into a flower, or a lamb running in a field. And yes, there will be moments where someone will mess up their timing or something, and they'll be looking at their bake through the oven door like, "oh gosh I don't think this will rise in time!" Then they stand up to find Paul Hollywood directly behind them ominously. His creepy whitewalker eyes will glow white, and he'll say something like "the 12th of June. 2035. Drowning." And his eyes will go back to normal and he'll walk away. Then the baker gives a playful grimace to the camera and says "that didnt sound great, did it?". Cut to a sweet looking older woman sipping tea on a stool and she says "oo I do hope that Prue enjoys the taste of my sugary, sticky baps!". Then, at the end, someone gets a gold star for doing good, and the loser of the episode gets in the middle of a giant group hug. You see all of them at the end of the series at a giant carnival with their families and the post credits informs you that all of the contestants have become a Partridge Family-style traveling band and stayed friends forever.

[cryptid-bu1ch]

no such thing as too much love. or too much garlic

[cryptid-bu1ch]

The cure to anxiety is completing all the tasks you have to finish for the day early and doing them phenomenally and being physically perfect and on everyone’s good side preferably even their favorite.

[cryptid-bu1ch]

The problem with playing smash or pass is that there's a lot of characters which I'm not sexually attracted to but I would fuck in a heartbeat out of sheer curiosity and ego, like I don't find Mickey Mouse attractive at all but if he approached me at a bar and went "Hey sexy, want me to show you my mouseketool?" I would say yes because then I get to tell my friends I fucked Mickey Mouse

[cryptid-bu1ch]

STOP CENSORING SUBTITLES/TRANSCRIPTS/CLOSED CAPTIONS

LET DEAF AND NEURODIVERGENT PEOPLE READ “FUCK”

[cryptid-bu1ch]

how’s that house that raised you?

[cryptid-bu1ch]

They’re the same picture

[cryptid-bu1ch]

brawl was the worst smash game

then explain this

[cryptid-bu1ch]

do y'all even know how much i hate being an "elder queer" at 40? a whole goddamn generation before me was wiped out by a plague that politicians deemed not their problem bc it was killing the "right" people. like. this was OPENLY STATED. i spent a large chunk of my childhood going to funerals. nevermind the fact that killing queer people for being queer wasn't codified into law as a hate crime until i was a junior in high school.

i should NOT be an elder queer, i should be middle at most. i am a middle aged queer. most of the elder queers died.

when i was growing up i didn't go to pride parades, i went to pride marches. because that's 100% what they were in the 80s and 90s.

from the absolute bottom of my heart, LEARN OUR FUCKING HISTORY. a generation was nearly wiped out so you young queers could be here. don't let that have been in vain, please.

[cryptid-bu1ch]

Landlord wants the grass cut in the middle of a heat wave ohh my god THE GRASS KEEPS THINGS COOL

our yard has more fireflies out of the entire neighborhood, it attracts flycatchers and several insectivorous species I fucking hate lawn culture so much

[cryptid-bu1ch]

*clears throat* Hey my friends, I attended a bee wedding this past weekend. I bet you would like to know how was it.

[cryptid-bu1ch]

Hooray! Yay! Dykes!

[cryptid-bu1ch]

My wife bought me latex y’all 😍

Oh yeah, and I’m bald again.

[cryptid-bu1ch]

Apocalypse soon, Oleg Vdovenko (soon)