cryptocleveland-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[cryptocleveland-blog1]

I’m not sure when this blog post was written.. sometime late in 2011 or early 2012 I imagine.     But the shine had definitely come off by this point,  I was entering a morass I am just now (eight years on) emerging from. In retrospect, if I was ever going to leave Cleveland and pursue acting full time, now (2012) would have been the time to do it, I was not yet thirty and was consistently booking local commercials .   Instead I flirted with going back to school a couple different times and started my own consulting business which I now deem a failure.  

100th post

This is my 100th post on this blog and to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure where we go from here.   I’ve been thinking about this milestone for some time, and for a while I have thought this would be a good place to quit.  

The original reason behind this blog was to stay busy while I searched for a job.  I figured it would be a good place to post examples of my work so I could easily share them on job interviews.   Well suffice it to say its been a year now and I still don’t have a full time job so it looks like the blogging strategy has been a failure (not that it ever was much of a strategy to begin with).  

However, the fact that the blog failed to impress potential employers does not mean the blog itself has been a failure.  Its given me something to do other than dwell on how spiritually, emotionally, and financially bankrupt I am.   Although, by tumblr standards a dozen followers is nothing to write home about…

Basically I’ve decided its time for me to reevaluate if I can afford to spend the 4 or 5 hours it takes to write a blog post each week.  It seems like there is something more productive out there I should be doing.   But, seeing as I have no idea what that something is it also seems premature for me to quit, especially in light of the fact that this blog has grown by 30% (4 people) in just the last month.

For the time being I have decided to carry on, but will be scaling back the quality and quantity of my posts.   That 12 part series on acting just drained every last ounce of focus and creativity I had.   From now on I am going to join the rest of the tumblrverse and only post random pictures of fuzzy kittens and/or gay porn.

Well maybe not. 

What I do need is some feedback.    I would like to know what kinds of topics the people who read this crap are interested in.   I know you’re not interested in Urban Planning, because even I’m not interested in Urban Planning and I’m an Urban Planner.   (Thats what happens when you flunk out of law school kids!)  

I’m also not going to go anywhere near acting/filmmaking for a while, and I’d like to avoid talking about Cleveland, because that is also an emotionally draining subject and I need to start distancing myself from the city because it is more and more likely that I am going to have to join the exodus to find employment. 

The only other thing I know a lot about is Biology, but I haven’t visited that sector of my brain since the last unemployed loser crisis, five years ago, when I didn’t get into dental school and couldn’t find a job as a lab tech anywhere.   I also used to know a lot about Mesopotamia, but I never even bothered looking for an Art History job so I don’t know if there’s anything there or not.

Basically I’ve run out of things I’m passionate enough to share my knowledge and write about.    I just don’t care anymore.  This is whats called “Learned Helplessness”.  It doesn’t matter how good you are or how much you want something; if you get enough negative feedback you'll eventually stop trying. 

There, thats your last token psychological principle.   Its also the last thing you need to know about Cleveland.

[cryptocleveland-blog1]

This was my first post.   Not much has changed.. sadly.  In retrospect this was the dawn of social media and I regret deciding to be anonymous, I didn’t countenance the importance of establishing a “brand” and an “online presence”  I really also didn’t really know that tumblr was meant to be a short form blog rather than an online journal. 

Welcome

So I started this blog a couple months ago and haven’t done anything with it yet.    

Truth be told I’m still not really hip to the digital age; the aughts were mostly a wasted decade for me, and I am just now emerging from the world of dial up internet and cell phones being used for telephone calls.    I still have and use an AOL email address though.      

Anyway, now that I am finally out of school and among the world of the working, I feel like I need to hang out a shingle and establish a presence on the world wide web.  I have long been a fan of anonymously commenting on Cleveland.com, but steady employment means I have to exercise a little more discretion when it comes to self expression.  I need to be more thoughtful about what I say and when I say it, i.e. when I’m not on the clock.

I am also a small business owner of sorts; I have a side job doing patent drawings, computer renderings and other technical drafting.   I do some computer animation as well and I have long had an interest in photography and film-making.   Since those are all visual forms of expression it  seems like this blog could be a good forum for that and so that will be the primary focus of my future posts.

Additionally, I have a background in urban planning and real estate development.   This is always a hot topic in Cleveland and so I will try to incorporate some of my knowledge and opinion on the subject whenever I feel the pressing need to vent my frustration.   

So with out further ado, welcome, and on to my first post!

[cryptocleveland-blog1]

Testing Testing...

Hello, I am trying a blog… I recently purchased a Pentax KX digital camera and I think this is a good place to post my photos. 

I will also provide updates on my “Cleveland Illustrated” project.  That is the project where I am digitally recreating downtown cleveland as it appeared in 1896..hey, everybody needs a hobby.

[cryptocleveland-blog1]

Good News

I found out that my old blog hasn’t been deleted, just retitled and not discoverable unless you are already on tumblr. https://cryptocleveland-blog.tumblr.com/   I will be reposting my old posts periodically

[cryptocleveland-blog1]

Falling off the Wagon all over again.

I have a friend.. singular.  I have a friend/mentor whom I have humored and who humors me, with whom I have a mutual appreciation society.  Which is to say our relationship is based entirely on our shared frustration and disappointment; with life in general and with our employment prospects as regional actors who aspire to be better than the delusional wannabes that by every observable measure we are.  

For years we have supported each other; helping one another  prepare for auditions, sharing rides, venting to one another about people that piss us off.   But as time has gone on, and the community we started with has shrunk to nothing,  its become clear that we’re just two misfit toys and I’ve lost interest in playing pretend with all the other broken things.   I have an entire facebook page filled with amateur actors and filmmakers who are stuck doing community theater or just making short films.  People I’ve met once and don’t care to meet again.   I don’t want to make things just for fun,  I never did.  

I only ever volunteered to work on amateur projects when I was young and naive and thought volunteering on someone else’s project would be a good opportunity for networking and experience.  Those words don’t have currency to me any more.  They haven’t for a very long time.   And yet here I am, still being strung along on the hope that the “pilot” I shot last month will be pitched to network executives or that the”short” I’m shooting next month will be good for my demo reel. 

Over the years I’ve been roped into doing more favors for people who I don’t know or whom I know to be talent-less but feel sorry for out of some sense of  filial obligation;  we’re all in the same boat, right?  But at some point It has to stop.  Right?   After all, this is the second string.  The friends of friends.  All the real friends I knew from acting class, my audition peers and the people who I actually gave a shit about are gone.  They have all moved on or given up in there own ways.  So why am I still here paying my dues with the losers?  Am I a loser?   Obviously I am.

[cryptocleveland-blog1]

I used to have a blog here.    

I spent hundreds of hours pouring my heart into long posts that hardly anyone read.  Some were just text, like this one.   Some were elaborate, multi-installment series laced with photos and detailed graphics.  The effort that went into these posts, and the lack of response, was both highly therapeutic and soul crushing at the same time.   It was a way for me to feel creatively stimulated, and to participate in a community at a time when I was unemployed and socially isolated, but not yet cynical about my future prospects.  

I had just finished grad school, studying urban planning, and I had also just fulfilled one of my long-term ambitions, to appear in a feature film.  As a way of promoting the movie, the director of that film had begun a blog where he talked at length about film theory, art, and contemporary culture.  One of the other actors in the film started a blog about her life as an aspiring actress so I followed suit, choosing to concentrate on that subject which I knew best, and was, at that time, most passionate about: Real Estate Development in the City of Cleveland; with the occasional post devoted to my main hobbies, acting and photography.  

I was really proud of some of those early posts,  they were written with the confidence of someone who thought that the years of hard work were behind him and that life could only get better from here on out.  But months went by, and years went by.    It became obvious that my big break was never going to happen,  the movie was never going to find distribution, it was never going to be the stepping stone to my next project.    

Eventually people stopped commenting on my posts, and I ran out of things to talk about.   My blog became less regular and more introspective.    The director and actress followed suit, refocusing their blogs onto current affairs and personal interests.   I started getting into disagreements.    I argued with the director over his political positions,  I alienated the young actress by teasing her a little too frequently about her favorite band.  

It became clear that I was beating a dead horse.   My illusions were starting to fracture.  My acting career was stagnant, the only film work available where I live was in cheesy local commercials and I was too poor and too indebted to move elsewhere, nor was I brave enough to move away from my family and support network.   In my professional career things were no better, the rejection letters were starting to add up, and the longer I’d been out of school the fewer interviews I got.  

I started using this blog to vent my frustration.   After a couple internships that led nowhere. I accepted a job I hated, that I wasn’t any good at, and that I got fired from within six months.   That didn’t help my resume.    I started working part time minimum wage jobs just to have an income.  One night on the news I saw that a local school district was paying $180 a day for temporary substitutes during a teachers strike.    I’d worked as a sub before and enjoyed it so it seemed like good opportunity to make some money.    

I had planned on being there for two weeks, but the strike lasted eight.  It was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life, but I was fired from that job too.  I had been taking night classes at a community college, and the lack of sleep caught up with me. I was sad when it was over because there was one student in particular who I became emotionally attached to and I’d never gotten a chance to say good bye.  

I wish I had, because then I might not have gone to visit her place of work a few months later,  I might not have tried to stay in touch with her, I might not have deluded myself into thinking we were friends or that she cared about me half as much as I cared about her.  I could have just tied a nice happy bow around the relationship for being what it was and moved on to the next thing.   But its hard to move on when you have nothing to move on to.  

When you wake up feeling like a failure every morning its easy to get obsessed, your thoughts naturally drift to the last thing you can remember making you feel happy and important.  I shared these sentiments in posts I made on this blog, and other darker thoughts. After the fact I felt ashamed and decided to remove them, in an attempt to clean up my online fingerprints.

Its all gone now, good and bad; I’ve long since lost access to the email address I originally signed up for a tumblr account with and so my original account was deactivated, along with all its content, when tumblr updated its TOS a few years ago.    I miss it dearly.  

I don’t miss the toxic anxiety dump it became, I miss the escapism, the potential it once had to remove me from a hopeless situation and allow me to pontificate about how things ought to be.  I miss the ability to express myself anonymously, warts and all, and not fear being held accountable or publicly shamed for feeling angry and resentful, for admitting that I wanted more than I was entitled to.

When I stopped blogging I tried to find new communities to immerse myself in. I stopped auditioning for the local agency and started training with a local stunt coordinator because the stunt guys seemed to be the only locals getting any work whatsoever.   I switched from Tumblr to Youtube and started down a rabbit hole about Historical European Martial Arts.  I grew my hair and beard out, attempting to assimilate into that subculture.   I stopped applying for jobs and started my own consulting business doing drafting and 3d printing.

I’d like to say that my efforts have improved my situation, economically or otherwise, but alas its more of the same. More auditioning for parts that were already cast long before you ever saw a breakdown.   More skeptical looks and rejection letters whenever I convince myself that I’m broke and have no choice but to find a real job. I’m still treading water, and badly.  

A couple of years ago I started having panic attacks.  I’d gone to visit the highschool girl (now in college) one too many times; panicked because I suddenly felt that I was crossing a line, and abruptly broke off contact .   Then I felt bad about it and started following her on social media, which eventually confirmed my belief that I had hurt her.   I felt guilty about that too, and had another panic attack, so I tried to contact her again and offer an apology, which obviously backfired.   Then every few months I’d have another panic attack and make another ill conceived attempt to fix the situation.

Things came to a head about a year ago.   Each time I tried to reconnect and failed to repair the relationship, my anxiety got progressively worse.  In a last act of desperation, I reached out to a mutual acquaintance who immediately outed me as a crazy person and posted the conversation online.   Nothing had happened, but being forced to confront my own inappropriate behavior and to acknowledge that Google was no longer my friend was embarrassing enough that my anxiety jumped an order of magnitude overnight.   I went from merely not being able to sleep, to not being able to breath or speak.   I wasn’t just depressed, I was  physically ill.  

This convinced me to seek treatment.  About six months ago I started taking medicine for insomnia, anxiety and depression, and also ADHD which I think is the root problem.   The jury is still out as to whether any of its working or whether I actually have any of those issues.  I did switch medicines a while back because the cocktail was making me feel like a listless zombie.  And I have seemed more productive in the past month, but that could be attributed to my impending birthday.

As I’ve reflected over the past few months, I’ve determined that I’d never really given myself a chance as an actor, I’ve always treated it as an embarrassing secret that I don’t like to talk about, and that was one of the things causing me anxiety and potentially caused me to self sabotage any hope of finding full time career with my degree.  

I thought I had long ago made peace with the fact that I was never going to find success as an actor because only those who were born rich, in LA, and with the right connections ever got the opportunity to make movies for a living. But then the young actress I was in a movie with once proved me wrong. She’s not the only one,  I now have a number of acquaintances who work regularly, but in the time since I originally started this blog she has made the leap from depressed, socially awkward, nobody living in their parents house in Cleveland, to something more than that; while I’m still spinning my wheels.   Its a humbling thought and rather than be jealous of her success I’d like to try and emulate it.  

I wanted to make a good faith effort to put myself out there before I turned 35, so I spent the last month filming a demo reel to submit to managers.   If I get no response, that means I suck and I should move on.   And that knowledge is infinitely better than continuing to surround myself with people who tell me what I want to hear but have no power to help me achieve my goals.

Yesterday was my birthday.   I decided it was finally time to watch the movie.    I’d put it off because I didn’t want to burst my bubble.  Originally I was holding out for the premiere,   I wanted to watch it for the first time on the big screen.   Eventually it just became a crutch,  I didn’t want to see it because its my only credit and I’m barely in it.   The reality is the film is good, but the acting isn’t going to win awards.   I can be proud of it as a good first film, an excellent learning experience, and a stepping stone to greater things; which is all it was ever meant to be.   The rest is up to me.

I’ve decided to rededicate this blog to my documenting my career as a struggling actor from Cleveland Ohio.