csjana

[csjana]

On December 6th 1989, fourteen young women, many of them engineering students, were murdered in the mass shooting at Montreal’s École Polytechnique that was prompted by the killer’s hatred of women and what he said was “fighting feminism”.   On December 6, the National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women, we remember: Geneviève Bergeron Hélène Colgan Nathalie Croteau Barbara Daigneault Anne-Marie Edward Maud Haviernick Maryse Laganière Maryse Leclair Anne-Marie Lemay Sonia Pelletier Michèle Richard Annie St-Arneault Annie Turcotte Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz

[csjana]

19.11.24

3 am in the morning. Later in the day we are gonna submit the project proposal. Rest of the team doesnt know I will give them the most prestine/precise presentation ever in the history of this lecture and also our dataset is kinda fucked up.

[csjana]

3 days of reset attempt is over. I saw a tiktok that some chinese students stay in a hotel to refresh themselves a little bit, so i tried that, slept almost 1 whole day, ate a lot and bought the watch that I wanted. I feel like, want to believe, that it gave me alittle push. Getting out from that state of relaxation was hard. I procrastinated a few hours and just jump to work without thinking. Like getting into cool water.

Today was the end of my reset and got back to work. In order to not crash completely in the middle of the finals, my goal is to remove some work ahead of me. Notes for the next 3 weeks

— be financially responsible, do not relieve stress by spending or over eating.

— have little progress but every day. Be consistent no need to have panic attack everytime I have a new responsibility.

— You are not saving lives. Enjoy the process. Everyday I wake up with a privilege of having my own space and studying what I want. Make a good use of it. Do not be avarage

— do not complain about your workload. Its a blessing

[csjana]

Aya Takano: untitled (2004)

[csjana]

I feel like fainting but I am trying to stay awake to take my medications on time. These 3 weeks were hectic. After tomorrow, after my interview at the other side of the country, I will be more relaxed. But even then I dont have time to completely shut myself off for a while. As a consequence of the last 3 weeks I had a hell off a mensturation period, vomitted at each and every one of the toilets in my faculty. But hey, I didnt fuck things up. Past two exams were moderate, nothing too traumatizing. I really wish at a time like this my body didnt betray me this much but also I dont want to complain or feel bad out it. Its nothing I can control. I took my supplements, relaxed and slept as much as I can. Studied as much as I can. I almost feel happy.

One more mission to complete then I will do the scheduling of the next 3 weeks and rest of this week I will take things a little bit slower. I am planning to buy an antique wrist watch that I liked earlier.

Here is the list of whats next so I can get it out of my system and stop clenching my jaw thinking about them:

—online assignments (courses and guided projects) network & dsai

—plan dbms project

—try gemini 1.5, qwen2 and pixtral for ocr to json conversion.

—ethics midterm notes & go over slides

—start catching up to diff equations subjects

[csjana]

Luca Del Pia (2004)

[csjana]

[csjana]

the idealized version of my tomorrow self will fix this

[csjana]

[csjana]

1.11.24

First day of october. Done with the first critical midterm of this season. Many more to go but at least it went well. If I didnt have a meeting tonight I would sleep for the rest of the day. In the midst of the week I got accepted for an interview as a researcher and couldnt even react to it because how hectic the week was.

I dont need to rest too much. Just gonna lay down and get up 4 hours prior to meeting so I can prepare and have dinner.

I feel lonely a little bit. Probably because this is a financially tight month. You might not see the causation but I actually satiate the feeling of loneliness by spending money.

[csjana]

It is so tiring to constantly regulate your disgust against someone. I dont even know the reason behind it

[csjana]

27.10.24

Always wanted to be one of those cracked engineers that also struggles but get things done at the end. Here i am at the 9th hour of my study session living off of caffeine and supplements, trying to fix the code that was working better before i started working on it. At least i can still continue scraping, but it needs a clean up.

Its over for today my brain cant handle something more challanging than going over lecture slides right now. So i am gonna finish my lecture notes on database management systems, leave the code running and deal with the rest of the problems after sleeping a little

[csjana]

13.10.24

October is passing like someone is chasing behind her. I have midterms ahead of me this week and got included to a senior design project by one of my professors. I send the online assessment for the internship too but have no results yet. Everything is exciting and time I have is not enough to master everything. I just want to sleep less. My sleep is so heavy and I have vivid dreams every night. I dont know what to do about it just hoping this period will pass quickly. I am so excited to meet the project group members. These are the times I wish I could control my physical needs more, like sleeping eating and smoking.

[csjana]

30.09.24

All I am gonna say is Im pushing this. Just pushing and studying for the sake of studying. I am in pain. Brain wants to take nothing

[csjana]

28.09.24

I had a hard time waking up today. Yesterdays chores finished at 2am. Incredible. On the good side I have everything ready for the next 2 weeks. I just need a sharp 8 hour focus study routine. Im basically starting from scratch and going step by step since Im very afraid of missing out simple questions. Again if I think about it I have nothing to lose. This is my first serious recruitment process. Whether I get accepted for interview or not I will definitely see the benefits of my work.

While I prepare for the assessment Im trying to not to miss out on classes. Just enough to keep up with the lectures and rest of the time will be fully reserved for solving questions.

Unrelated thought: sometimes I stop and think how come I have no romantic interest/relationships. I feel kind of empty when I think about it. Not like it disrupts my general peace or anything but like how? Maybe this is the "normal". I have people that I admire or I find attractive but the premonition of never finding anyone that I connect with sexually or romantically depresses me. I examine people that are in relationships and compare myself to them to find out what am I missing. I have no motivation to improve whatever I am missing tho, just curiosity.

[csjana]

27.09.24

Great news! Out of 6 applications for a****n 1 of them moved forward 1 of them still pending. The meeting with the professor was very enlightening too.

But this was all too much for lando norris. I am feeling very overwhelmed. Got back to dorm maybe I will squish my weekly reset chores (laundary, ironing and cleaning) to rest of the day so I can spend the weekend for uninterrupted work. I feel extreme guilt for every moment that I dont study now. Its gonna be okay. If I postpone this chores I wont be able to study with this mood anyway. So I will clean up my to do list. Yes. God help me

[csjana]

26.09.24

Couldnt make it to the class today. The prof of this lecture has an attitude and it bothers me a lot so I spend the rest of the day in the cafe and in the library.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with one of my professors. I will discuss the study abroad options with her and this will kinda determine how I will spend the next 2 years. Hoping for the best.