csmc2

[csmc2]

Patience

I'm sick of waiting. But I have to wait nonetheless. I don't have a choice. I mean, I do have a choice however I know the consequences of deviating from the path of my heart. Ignorance would see this as punishment. Intelligence would see it as a test. However, wisdom knows it as an opportunity to go deeper. In my own fear I see the anxiety of being in a precarious situation but in fact the universe is keeping me here in hopes that I'll finally take the bait and be reeled into the awareness of what is. I have all these patterns with women, sexual frustration and sexual obsession. These patterns are borne out of fear and therefore create a present experience of guilt, shame, judgement and suppressed (in my case) anger. I want to feel satisfied and have fun and be intimate and pleasure someone else and enjoy being in love. However, because I've grown to fear these things due to life's trials and tribulations (which are manifested intentionally to create opportunities for growth) I repel them instead of attract them. There's a constant back and forth in my mind between desire and wisdom, fear and faith and trust and recklessness. My wisdom tells me patience and inner connection with Being is the answer to my sexual issues and my problems with women. The strange thing is I'm around women constantly and I constantly have wonderful experiences with them. The reason for this is I do not have fear-based beliefs blocking me from these experiences of joy, beauty and connection. I do, on the other hand, have all sorts of negative files keeping me from emotional and sexual intimacy with women. Maybe one day I'll even surrender them to the Lord of Being.

BJRS (apr22/24)