csrnini

[csrnini]

i think at some point, everyone goes through bouts of feeling unwanted. like atp i just feel like i'm taking up space in everyone's lives and i don't know what to do. i feel unlovable or unlikeable. maybe i should just shut up.

[csrnini]

ok i'm over it if he wants to mess up his life that's his fault

[csrnini]

i cry countless amounts just for you to treat me like the dirt on your shoes

[csrnini]

i hate that he knows he still has power over me. i shouldn't give that to him.. he doesn't deserve it.

[csrnini]

a letter to tony

tony,

that's how bad this is. i don't even know how to properly address you. the entire reason i'm so hurt isn't because you moved on. i could care less about that. it's who you moved on with. i'd be chilling if it was some random or some girl that goes to a diff school. but no it was someone i considered a friend.. someone who told me dead in my face that she didn't want you.. she has no respect for you.. the same way you don't have respect for yourself. i trusted you way more than i trusted anyone else in my life. i told you shit i don't even tell my therapist. you know how i feel about certain people/things, my favorite monster, you know about how i really feel about my mom. you know too many intimate details about me just to let you go so easily. without me knowing, you'd somehow know everything about every atom on my body. every single particle you had memorized to a tee. it's hard to let go of someone who i loved more than i loved myself. i know i said hella shit while we were tg and apart. i can admit that. i think that's a big part of understanding me as a person. i'm an extremely emotional and sensitive person. i think that's the reason why we're so toxic tg. normally when you're upset, you don't show it. you don't breakdown and cry. you sit there and you just endure it. i always admired that. how you didn't let anything bother you. you had too much pride & you're stubborn. we're alike in that we're both super stubborn. i liked that about us. that we were so similar but so different.

i can't believe i trusted or believed either of you. and somehow, through all of this, i still fucking love you. after it's all done and said, i'm still in love with you. after you backstabbed me to such an extent (i'm never trusting anyone ever again) i still could look at you and think about all the good memories. i don't think i could ever look at you and think about anything negative. which i hate. i hate that you still have some sort of power over me.. and you know it. i hate your perfectly placed eyebrow slit and your crooked jaw and your cute overlapping teeth. I hate the way your eyelashes are perfectly curled (even if you hate them). i hate the way your dimples pop when you smile or laugh. i hate your perfect nose and the way you smile like :] but with dimples. no matter how hard i try, i can't escape the way i'm in love with you. i hate the connection i allowed myself to have with you. i love you even though you took everything from me. you've taken my heart and soul and my ability to trust and love another and i hate you for that. you'll never know any of this. -nini

[csrnini]

it’s the worst curse of all

[csrnini]

why be sad when i can js be high

[csrnini]

i should stop being a bitch and talk to people

[csrnini]

nail inspo for my bday :)

cr: pinterest

[csrnini]

about me :)

hi my name is nini :> i'm a minor and my prns are she/they!! i'm into kpop and really anything C: and i'm a stoner so if that makes you uncomfy probs run like now lol i'm probs gna use this as a diary bcs i don't think many people ik use tumblr so yea lol

[csrnini]

23.01.14

i lowk intend on using this as kinda like a diary. mostly because i'm sick of using instagram and also bcs idk like no one uses tumblr really so i feel like it'd be more private. anyway yesterday was really funny. got to school and went straight to the rr to smoke and also just to chill. i've noticed that i'm by myself more than anything and i kinda like it that way.. i love being by myself but i mean it obv gets lonely sometimes but anyway i wasn't late to my first for once.. i think it's because i couldn't find who i normally hang with and then i was called to the office and my ass literally sank i was so scared.. but once i went into the office they were just talking to me about changing my schedule bcs i do not wanna do swim anymore.. like i only did it for one person and after her and i had that little falling out i was over it plus 3 girls in that class talk the most shit ab me so yea no im not tryna stay in there so yea now im not in swim anymore :3 i'm kinda upset tho bcs that was my free period but they were starting to take points off bcs people weren't swimming and i didn't wanna fail ANOTHER class..

okay anyway, uhm i honestly don't remember what i did during debate class.. i'm pretty sure i just sat there and looked at meaningless shit on my phone.. aileen and her friend were obviously either faking their high or actually high and they were laying on the carpet next to me. they weren't bothering me but like you don't talk to me normally why would you talk to me now yk? but anywho after that class during lunch i tried staying with londyn and sydney and them during lunch but idk tony was in there and i really just couldn't. it's not that i can't stand him but being around him just makes me feel sad and i don't like it. so i spent majority of lunch in the rr waiting for the lunch period to end. i couldn't find bree and i didn't feel like walking around to find her. so i went to the rr and just sat there for half an hour on my phone or listening to music. im surprised no admin came in and kicked me out. after that was history which i def should've skipped bcs i sat there stoned for 20 mins then passed out. and these white kids were laughing at me like im tired and stoned i honestly couldn't even tell where i was looking it was a great high but also terrifying. Anyway after that was alg 2 and i was not rolling up to that mans class high AGAIN plus the people in the period are so annoying so i totally skipped that class and sat outside. AND OFC tony and his fuckass friends were outside. i didn't really know anyone outside so i js sat there with naveah who was pissed asf cs some girl that she wanted her man and they wanted to fight each other but the guy wouldn't let nae idk smth like that and i was so stoned to the point where i could've even like make reading look normal i was so out of it and i vaguely remember don yelling at me and lelani laughing and i probs should've went outside the patio and sat on the school lawn but idk i didn't feel like moving at all i was comfy where i was at tbh anyway then i got on the bus and talked to this white girl and she told me all her problems and i honestly like rlly liked listening to her and then i got home and my gma was there to take me to her house bcs my mom went out of town. ok but like side rant, i hate whenever she just pawns me off to my gma instead of asking me if i'd want to go to my friends' houses or just stay by myself but every time she leaves i have to go with my gma which like i don't mind but i'd rather be with my friends yk? uhm so i got to her house and basically slept for a few hours and then i got up and made terrible ass pancakes like three times bcs i can't cook for shit much less cook high so yea no it was a disaster.