cualquier-username

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

I am feeling too much. I think I might be actually genuinely in love with this guy and it has gotten my head all fucked up. Like we are seeing eachother almost every fucking day and in my head its like I've given up and processed it as we are only friends and thats it but also we keep doing these date-y things and cute shit that inevitably turns romantic and we keep having these moments where we're really close or we just stare into eachother's eyes or shit like that and its like something is happening and we both want it to but also we both know that would make things all messy and complicated again and shit with her has been quite better lately so neither of us wants o mess that up but then again they made out after that chiva thing and I just I feel like the sloppy second that he doesnt wanna let go of or maybe its a me thing and Im the only who doesnt wanna let him go because he is unfortunately number one for me. And in really it really is 100% a me thing, I cannot physically let go of him and I am completely attached to the point where I miss him after not seeing him for ONE DAY and I jut feel stupid for still wanting him after everytyhing that has and hasnt happened and even more stupid for even considering the posibility that he might want it too. WHY. ARE. THINGS. SO. COMPLICATED. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And then theres my friends who syill think there is something going on with us no matter how many times and in how many different ways and with how many examples I explain to them that it is absolutely over between us but at this point it feels like its me Im trying to convince of that, not them, and Its so GONO-FUCKING-RREA because I just dont know what to do anymore. And also I freak out when he doesnt text back and Im really wprried about him and his health and this home and family situation and then there's also Ashley who is the actual love of my life and I feel like and absolute traitor with everyone because its like everything I do is wrong with some but rught with the others and we can never meet in the middle of everything and find something that will make all of us happy. Also I ate a lot like garbage today and wow what the fuck everything is just going so AAAH right now, and I dont know what Im doing with my llife, and my parents are having problems with money, and school's almost over and I still have to sort out most of my grades fro second trimester, and Halloween is next week and Im supposed to be with my friends but like I have no costume or money for one and I am SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HIM AND I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS OVER HIM LIKE THE OTHER DAY I WAS ABOUT TO TELL HIM I DIDNT WANNA HANG OUT AS MUCH ANYMORE BECAUSE MAYBE THAT WASNT RIGHT BUT I DONT CARE IF ITS NOT RIGHT LIKE FUCK THAT I WANNA BE WITH HIM AND I AM SO CONFUSED AND STRESSED AND I JUST GOT A NOTIFICATION AND IT WASNT FROM HIM AND IMLOWKEY SAD AND IM ON TWO DATING APPS TO FIND A DATE FOR PROM WHICH I WISH COULD BE HIM BUT THAT WOULD BE A SHITSHOW AND I WOULD COMPLETELY LOSE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER IF I DID THAT AND ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE APPS ARE ROUGHLY A SEVEN AND IM SO WLDEFJN BLIWEF ME QUIERO MORIR Y REVIVIR QHEN THIS IS ALL SORTED OUT AND I GET MY HAPPY ENDING.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

I am done. Im done trying to get better and Im done with all the recovery bullshit. I've gained almos 4kg in less than a week and I am literally going insane. I cant fucking stop eating and that makes me legitimately want to die. I came so fucking close to atempting a couple of days ago but my mom walked in and I just couldnt anymore. My parents found out about my self harm relapse, which I guess you cant even call a relapse since I never actually stopped, and I can just tell they're so fucking tired of this crap and having to put up with me all the time and honestly??? ME FUCKING TOO. Im so tired of myself and I wish I was dead. I honest to God gave this shit a chance, I wanted to live and I wanted to get better and I wanted to trust my parents and my therapist and nutricionist and everyone who's supposedly gonna help me but all I got from that was just feeling worse and I am done. I am not going to eat. I am not going to eat. I am not going to eat. I am losing every goddamn gram I've gained back with my binging and more. I am going to reach my fucking UGW como me llamo Ana Sofía Manrique. I am sick and motherfucking tired of other people always trying to be in control of me and that ends now. I dont vcare if I get hospitalized again. i dont care if I get another NG fucking tube. try me. I've done it before and I will do it again because I AM IN CONTROL. I dont have to keep gaining tis disgusting weight if I dont want to and I certainly do fucking not, so I am not going to eat until that happens and I dont care about anything else.I dont care if my mom gets upset or if my dad yells at me or if my sister cries in hopes that I will eat or if my grandma empieza a hablar mierda de la familia de mi papá like she always does when she's angry and she will be angry and I dont igve a single fuck. I am in control. I am in control, and no one else i this fucking universe is other than me. I dont care if my parents threaten me with fucking not letting me xstudy abroad in the future or taking my phone or computer away or any of those useless "castigos" they try to make me let got of control with. I dont care about anything anymore because chances are Im not gonna even be alive by next year anyway, so a la mierda con todo. qure me vale un culo y naide lo puede cambiar.no voy a comer. no voy a comer. no voy a comer. no voy a comer. My mom cuaght me purging today and to be wuite frank I fucking wnated her to. I wanted attention. I wanted to feel sick enough again but now all that got me was my mom standing right outside the bathroom door every time I have to pee and peeking in every fucking minute when Im showering to make sure Im not doing anything else and that was so fucking stupid of me, like, ehat the fuck Anna?????? por fin fuiste capaz de purge and you let yourself get caught for what?? more pressure over you and more time before you can get back to school??? QUÉ PUTA GONORREA VOS, MALPARDA HIJA DE PUTA ESTÚPIDA DE MIERDA ERES, NO? estoy harta de mi. O llego a 50kg (or less) o me muero en el intento pero cualquier otra opción ya ha sido exhaustada y me cansé de ser la anorexica gorda. eso para ya.que si voy a ser una puta enferma mental y me voy a cvolver un esqueleto viviente y eventualmente o me voy a morir de desnutricion o me voy a suicidar oues que por lo menos eso me salga bien. y ya está.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

My parents already gave up on me and you can tell from freaking Mars. Se ve que ya están tan hijueputamente cansados de mi que they just sit there and watch me and my bullshit. Se ve que ya dieron todo lo que pudieron. Se ve que la esperanza already left their eyes. Se ve que siguen preocupados pero saben que Im such a fuck up que ya no hay nada que hacer conmigo so they’re just waiting. I think they know what this is all about and I think they’re just getting ready and waiting so when the day comes maybe they’ll be prepared. I can see the sadness in them. I can see how exhausted they are of this never ending maze of problems upon problems that they’ve tried to solve so many times and in so many different ways que ya lo único que les queda por hacer es ver que pasa por ellos mismos. Ellos saben que ya perdieron, y que yo nunca estuve en la competencia. Que no hay nada a qué aferrarse. Que yo soy un caso perdido y ya me quedé así, hasta que simplemente no esté. And they’re only waiting.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

I am done getting help. I dont need help. Im not sick. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am okay. I am in control. I can do things. i dont need any of your bullshit help. I dont need to see doctors. I dont need que me hagan tests on tests on tests a ver qué pasa porque nada pasa y esa es la verdad. I dont need therapy. I can handle things on my own. How come that changed all of a sudden? Why the interés desesperado out of nowhere? I’ve been doing the same shit for over 16 years and just now a la gente le dió que porque I have a problem or some shit? Why? I dont need help. I can handle myself. I am not dependent on somebody else’s knowledge to “keep me sane”. I am sane. This is a waste of time and money and a burden to countless people and it’ll stay that way forever because it’s gonna become and endless search for something that simply doesnt exist. Dejen de joder la hijueputa vida, yo veré si me mato. Ese es mi problema y mi decisión y todos ustedes hijos de puta should mind your own fucking business and fuck off. Que si me corto??? How does that affect them??? Toda esta mierda es una excusa par ser metidos and meterme cuentos en la cabeza de problemas que no tengo. Que los adultos son una puta mierda.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

Everything is fucking disgusting and existing is a burden and being alive is so confusing and everything I do makes me wanna cry and food is such a useless thing that everybody makes an unnecessarily big deal about and everything about it so is frustrating and annoying and life consuming and its always a problem and everyone wants to help me but I dont fucking need any of their bullshit help because I am so far better off without it and Im so tired of being so weak and needy and clingy and everyone feels too close at all times and siempre hay alguien encima mio and I feeel like Im being watched and I have to keep everything a secret and I cant even fucking do that right because I always end up spilling everything to someone and then they get worried and I end up in yet another doctor's office with my parents looking at me like they wish I had never been born and telling them evrything I do and dont and I can feel how tired they are of me and everything about me and how much I cost and how many things I need and how I went from being the perfect child que nunca da nada para hacer and eats normally and feels things and enjoys things and is happy and has normal problems like arguments with friends and is productive and does good at school and has a purpose and looks forward to the weekend and is aware of whats going on around her and is scared of death and is genuine and real and oves her family and goes to the doctor merely evry 6 months for a check-up and has friends and is functional and good to have around and the daughter they were ale¿ways proud of to this fucking vomit-inducing excuse for a human being piece of garbage that literally is only a problem and has all these stupid "mental illnesses" that she's probaly faking anyway and require therapy from a billion different specialists who dotn even do shit because she doesnt want help and she doesnt want to get better and contemplats suicide every night and self harms but probably just for attention and is scared of food and she just became the child nobody wants.todo me provoca pegarme un puto tiro en la cabeza y ojalá pudiera. me quiero suicidar y me quiero suicidar y me quiero suicidar y me quiero suicidar y me quiero suicidar y me quiero suicidar. I am so fucking fed up of never being in control of anything and whenever I am its a problem and as soon as someone notices they take it away from me and I am so fucking disgusting and weak and I can nevr do snything right and I dont want to live and I dont want to exist and I dont want to have to deal with being trapped in this body anymore and I want to fucking die. everyday I am so fucking humiliated by every little thing that I do, I am a failure and I am going to kill myself.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

Food’s become scary and it occupies every last ok eof my thoughts lately. Salir a comer me da miedo. Not restricting me da miedo. When I eat I feel out of control.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

I havent been eating more than 700 calories these past few days and I’ve never felt more in control. Lo que pasa es que, fuera de que es diciembre y en esta época se come como si se fuera a actually acabar el mundo, mañana specifically tengo un almuerzo familiar cause its my aunt’s bday or some shit, aka a bunch of unnecessary calories in one sitting. Im scared of it, Im scared of letting go and eating too much, Im scared of gaining weight again, Im scared of falling back into the eating-non-stop cycle, Im scared they’ll find out Im counting calories and Im scared they’ll find out I’ve been lying about what and how much I’ve been eating lately. This whole thing started 5 years ago but it’s been such a restrict-calories-and-watch-what-you’re-eating-and-focus-on-losing-weight-for-a-couple-months-and-then-eat-25/8-and-feel-like-shit-about-it-but-dont-stop-eating-for-a-couple-other-months that there’s been no real change. I hope this time I can fucking stick to my fucking plan and stop looking fucking obese once and for all. I hope I dont lose control.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

Quiero que todos me odien. Quiero hacerles la vida imposible a todas las personas que amo para que tengan una razón para dejarme ir. Sé que les importo y en serio detesto hacerlo. I want them to want me to die para que me den el empujón que necesito. No me aguanto.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

Odio sentirme mejor. No me lo merezco y me confunde. Cuando me siento como una mierda es claro que me quiero morir y ya, I just need to gather up the courage to actually do something about it and I’ll be gone. Ultimamente me siento mejor y lo odio. Odio no sabes qué quiero, odio sentir que hay esperanza, odio going soft y terminar bucando ayuda y contandole mis problemas a otros que me vana a querer ayudar. Odio no tener control de mi misma y seguir viviendo como si tuviera algún punto. Odio sentirme bien. Odio mejorarme. Odio tener opciones. Odio la incertidumbre de vivir. Odio mi instinto de auto-conservación. Me odio y me odio más cuando menos lo hago.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

Me siento como una mierda porque le doy consejos inspiradores a otras personas mientras Im going through that same shit they are going through y si me dijeran todo lo que yo les digo les pegaría un puño en la puta cara, porque todo es una puta mentira.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

No me quiero mejorar. No quiero vivir de otra manera, o de ninguna manera. No quiero que las cosas cambien, no quiero hablar, no quiero buscar ayuda, no quiero que a la gente le importe que estoy mal, ni que a mi me importe. No quiero sentirme bien porque no me lo merezco. No quiero joderle la vida a los otro más de lo que ya lo hago aun actuando como si nada pasara. No quiero salir adelante y no quiero tener un futuro. No me quiero esforzar porque no tiene sentido. Entiendo que el universo es infinito y soy menos que insignificante respecto a él, pero de todas maneras soy un desperdicio de espacio y de tiempo, de materia, celulas, átomos, energía. No quiero tener amigas. No quiero importarle a nadie. Quiero que todo el mundo se olvide de que alguna vez existí, y quiero nunca haberlo hecho.

[cualquier-username]

Sabes qué?

Me molesta importarle a la gente porque me hace dar cuenta de lo mierda que trato a todo el mundo y lo poco que me importa, aunque realmente me importe mucho pero no hago nada para cambiarlo. Me molesta importarle a la gente porque se convierten en razones para no suicidarme, lo que significa que si lo hago sé que los voy a destrozar (aunque la contradictoria razón para hacerlo es que estarían way better off without me), pero si no lo hago y claramente no lo he hecho seguiré sintiendome más gonorrea que antes, tratando a esas mismas personas que quieren lo mejor para mi peor, lo que me llevaría a pensar que todos ellos merecen una mejor vida que puedo proporcionarles con el hecho de terminar mi vida para que no tengan que cargar conmigo y mi mierda todo el tiempo como lo hacen ahora, pero que si simplemente dejo de vivir PARCE JUEPUTA se van a sentir horrible porque yo ya no voy a estar. Y es un circulo vicioso de mejor me mato para mejorarles la vida pero si lo hago se las voy a volver una mezcla de mierdas de todas las especies. Me molesta importarle a la gente porque eso me hace parte significativa de sus vidas cuando ni siquiera quiero la mia.