cupsandqueens

[cupsandqueens]

Maybe I could have loved you, you know?

Maybe in some version of reality, there was an us that paced this better. A version that met when my divorce was finalized. A version that didn’t get swept away in intensity, and gave into one another unconventionally after an effort to do it the right way.

I couldn’t tell you if this is how love behaves. But, I can say this isn’t the way I ever imagined it.

Like wondering how often you think of me, only to realize, the only heat I feel in your presence now is when I’m inspiring lust in you, or you’re scared I’ll leave.

Like the fact that you never seem excited about me anymore. And I tried to deliver you the warning about the flaws in my attachment system.

I don’t like to repeat myself. I just don’t feel like you care. At least not enough to feel you here anymore.

I guess I don’t have a reason to leave, but you aren’t giving me any reasons to stay, either.

You seem disinterested. Bored. The high of me wore off.

The worst part is you’re not even curious.

Maybe silence is the only answer here.

My heart is tired.

[cupsandqueens]

It’ll be some time from now—

Maybe you’ll see me in a gym somewhere, training someone.

Maybe it’ll be in a coffee shop, or a restaurant you just wanted to try.

But you’ll look up, and lock eyes with me.

“Jordanimal—“ your eyes will brighten, and gloss. You’ll smile my favorite smile, where lines crinkle at your eyes, and for a moment you soak me in.

“Lenny,” I’ll smile back.

You’ll ask me how Rylee is, about my business, and I’ll ask about Sadie, and Cody, too.

You’ll tell me you gave it your best, but God has other plans. You’ll ask if I ever remarried.

I’ll smile, and shake my head.

And for a moment, I’ll watch hope fill you.

“Did you ever date anyone else?” You’ll ask.

I’ll look down, smile slightly, and look up at you again. “Just never really made the time, you know.”

“Why?”

“I never had a heart to give. So, i didn’t.”

“And no one tried?”

“I didn’t say that.. but, no one moved me.”

I’ll see it in your face. Wonder—for whether you were the reason.

“So then—, who was the last man you loved?” You’ll ask.

I’ll smile slightly, “Jesus.”

You’ll chuckle a bit, shaking your head. “You know what I meant.”

I’ll look at you, and stare for a moment, but say nothing. You’ll process the words unsaid, and shake your head in disbelief. I’ll look down.

“I told you what I told you for a reason, Lenny. You just never believed me, and that’s okay.”

“Jordan—I’m so sorry. For everything.”

“Yeah, I know.”

I’ll see pain in your eyes. Not for yourself. For me. For the ways you must’ve really messed me up to take that hopeless romantic girl that drove food late at night to you while you pushed her away to pursue your ex in secret, into a woman that genuinely stayed on her own. And even worse, knowing that there’s no way you could ever deserve to come back.

“Were you happy?” I’ll ask.

You’ll feel the weight of the question knocking the wind from your chest.

“For a while,” you’ll whisper.

“I wanted you to be happy, Lenny—I told you that.”

“I’m trying my best..”

I’ll nod.

“Were you happy?” You’ll ask.

I’ll smile. “Yes, Lenny. Very much so. I did what I told you I’d do. I’ve helped heal a lot of women, all over the world. Restoring my spine, my pelvic floor, and re-sculpting my body gave me the ability to inspire millions of people.. and, I wouldn’t have found my purpose without you.. Thank you.”

I’ll watch the wonder in your eyes, and you’ll start to tear. You’ll smile, “I’m really, really proud of you.”

We’ll hug, and the moment will come where we can decide to start over—but, you’ll pause.

“Jordan?”

“Yes, Lenny?”

“How did you do it?”

“What?”

“Love me like that.. not move on with someone new, not run to the next thing, and forgive me for all of it?”

“I just understood that even though I couldn’t be the love that fixed you, you were the love that planted things in me.. and, if God wanted to give me a man to replace that, he would have. But he never did, so, I never did.”

“Can I see you again?”

I’ll smile, “Yes, Lenny. If you call, you can see me again.”

I’ll walk out of the door, and get in my car. Rylee will call, and I’ll drive back to my peaceful life.

[cupsandqueens]

I wonder if you ever think of it.. the way it felt when you brushed your fingers through my hair. The moment you kissed me the first time. The rushing when we both gave into each other, and we didn’t over think it. Being with you felt natural, like breathing. I get that my mindsets aren’t always what you expect them to be. I get that I think in ways that aren’t desirable to you at times. I get that there is a lot of history here, and a lot of unresolved emotions. I get that you’ve never trusted me. But I wonder if there are moments you look back, and truly just miss me. I wonder if you think of the ways I would ground you when you spun out, instead of judging you or mirroring your hostility. I wonder if you miss the gentleness of my heart, the safety of my arms. Do you ever miss holding me at all? I wonder if your fear, possessiveness, and envy are pushing you this way. And why. You said you didn’t have feelings for me. You said you never wanted me. You said so many hurtful things, after everything you did to make me think I really was what you wanted.

I don’t understand your actions.

[cupsandqueens]

I told you a small piece of the truth. You aren’t speaking to me at all, now, though.

This is why they say not to sleep with anyone outside of marriage. The soul tie to another person, especially one you can’t have, one that doesn’t belong to you, will remove pieces of you that you would’ve been able to keep.

I didn’t think I had any innocence in me left after all of the ways I was defiled. Somehow, I managed to still see the world through a rose tinted lens.

Now I can see how tired everyone is of my mood swings, my pity party, my five of cups.

Maybe the five of cups isn’t even about you, maybe it’s just the way you see me. Always upset about something, never really happy.

I don’t know anymore. I haven’t known in such a long time. But, I want it to be you. Despite every reason I shouldn’t, and there are many valid reasons, my heart is still yours. You might not want it. You might not even care for it, and I hate myself for that.

You’re the man I love. You choose to hurt me, though. And I understand your reasons, but I still wish it was different. Or at least somehow, I could just stop caring so much. It isn’t helping me, caring about you, caring about this.

We could’ve been happy. We really could’ve been happy.

[cupsandqueens]

I love you, still. Missing you isn’t good for me.

I wonder what it’ll be like if you really do come back here. If you really are going to be my boss again. I wonder if there’s ever moments where you find yourself thinking of me, and what lens you think of me through.

For me, as complicated as I make it at times, it’s simple.

You’re the man I love. I shouldn’t. You’re not mine. But, that doesn’t change anything.

One day, you’ll either choose me, or you won’t. That’s not my decision.

Life goes on, though. I know that.

Eventually, no matter how far in the future it may be, someone will love me. Eventually, I’ll either move on to love someone that’s serious about me, or you’ll have left my life to be with someone else.

Either way, I don’t get a say. I don’t have a vote on how you feel, or what you want. And, I’m not willing to be as raw and vulnerable as I used to be. So, outside of your observations and the bits I’ve shared, you don’t know how I feel.

[cupsandqueens]

You’re not willing to let me go. Every time I think “this is it, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of crying over this.” You make it better, you make it okay. You tell me that you’re really sorry, and of course, I love you, so I stay. I know you don’t hurt me on purpose. I know you’re probably confused as to why it seems like it’s so easy to misstep now, and I feel guilty, because the truth is I’m so emotionally raw that getting a reaction out of me is easy. It really isn’t even your fault, because I’ve been so lost in my head for months. I work, work out, raise Rylee, rinse, repeat.

You’re the man I love.

Not just for your potential, but because you have pieces of me that no one else ever will. You’re in my veins, and you’re a part of me now. It’s been four months since you held me at all. You don’t make your feelings for me clear, either, but you never have. Not except for those brief six weeks where you trial ran the relationship.

I’m undecided, because loving you and wanting you after everything feels wrong. But the truth is that if I could, I’d run to you. I’d be in your arms right now, listening to your heartbeat, giving you kisses in between movie scenes. I’d just take it a lot slower, and calm down a lot more.

I would forgive you. I wouldn’t hesitate. But I would look at the relationship through a much different lens. Before, I thought you were my soulmate, so there was no reason to worry.

Now, I’m not sure of anything anymore. The only thing I actually know is that I still love you.

You’ve said that things for you aren’t clear right now. I’m sure on some level, that probably includes me. It usually does. When I told Bryce that I didn’t know if you’d be in the mood to see me, he said he doesn’t get involved in people’s love lives.

In this moment, I can’t decide. Maybe you know I’m not over you. Maybe you don’t. I do wonder what you see when you’re looking in my eyes, because I know they’re revealing. Maybe you’re hoping that with time, if I can heal enough to want someone, and you stayed, maybe we could try again. But, I don’t know if that’s something you actually would want. The truth? I love you, more than I should, and more than you know.

I give you a lot of shit in my head for hiding your feelings, for not expressing your truth with me. Which now that I think about it, is unfair, because ever since you came clean about wanting to be with her, I haven’t been transparent with you at all. I haven’t told you the truth, that the way you navigated us did damage to me that I haven’t bounced back from, even in double the time I had you. That any time I find myself wanting for anyone, it’s always you. These are things I couldn’t tell you, because you wouldn’t understand it, and you’d probably think I was crazy. Maybe I am, I don’t know anymore. All I know is there was a time I didn’t know you. There was a time I was more interested in discovering the world itself rather than wondering how it would feel to try to see it with you. And there was a time when I didn’t wonder what you’d think or how you’d feel if I did or said anything. There was a time I could talk to strangers, and it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all.

Then there was you. And all I see is your eyes, open, watching me, observing everything I do. Shifting yourself, gauging my responses. Waiting to see if I move on, if I let go. There was a time me moving on, on some level, was what you wanted. You forgot what it was like to be in my proximity, and you felt relieved.

You’re the man I love. Nothing has changed that. The only thing that’s changed is that I don’t trust you the way I used to. I wouldn’t choose to go through your phone if I could, because I know I wouldn’t be able to walk away from you even if I found something.

It aches in me. Truly, it does. Loving you. Not having you. Knowing you won’t understand, you can’t understand.

What do you want from me though? To own me? Possess me? Take care of me?

So many things I can’t say, even if I wanted you to answer, which I don’t. Because, what if I have to hear you say you don’t want me again? That’s agony my heart doesn’t deserve.

[cupsandqueens]

“I’m teaching you how to lead, how to survive. And in order to do that, you’re going to have to fight.”

[cupsandqueens]

“And last year was a leap year so he had a whole extra day.”

[cupsandqueens]

Maybe if I was braver, I would find a way to say that I still have feelings for you. But that I’m scared of getting hurt again after everything that was said and done. I would tell you that I try to be mindful of how long I look in your eyes, because I don’t want to get lost in you again. I’d apologize for not hugging you goodbye last night, and explain that it feels like you try to keep me at a distance when you side hug me now. I’d tell you that when I don’t give you as much of my undivided attention when you’re there, it’s not because I don’t want to, but it’s because I feel like I’m not supposed to.

You told me you didn’t want me, and you never retracted that statement. The truth is that the only reason I ever see you is because I go out of my way to, and I’m never sure whether you’re happy you’re seeing me when I’m there.

The truth is, I don’t know what I am to you. I know you’re not healthy for me, and while I know that’s a problem.. I don’t care. I just want to see you. Happy, unhappy, well, unwell. The love I do have for you is unconditional. I just try to give you space because I think you don’t want me around.

I can’t honestly say what I want us to be anymore. I know I can’t stomach the thought of being with anyone else. I know that when you go off with other girls for attention, it hurts. I know whenever you’re caught up on her, it aches.

I want to tell you that you’d feel God if you gave up your insecurities, drinking, and porn. I want to help you achieve your highest potential. I want to support you through it.

It’s just not my place, though. Which is honestly torture.

I want to tell you how much I love you. How much I care.. but, I really can’t. You wouldn’t appreciate it. We would go back to where we started.

I’m trying. I’m trying to be the friend you need. I’m trying to stop looking at you and feeling that way. I mostly do well at hiding my emotions now, though. Or at least, disconnecting from them.

I have to let you come to me. Which is honestly hard, because.. you might not.

[cupsandqueens]

Familiarity

Nothing really feels familiar to me anymore.

I looked at the man I could’ve sworn I loved once today, and I didn’t feel the pull I always did before.

I still spent time with him. Still texted, still called.

I know more about him than a lot of people in his life do, and vice versa.

I guess now I have to realize it couldn’t ever work between us. Not really.

He still loves someone else, and no matter how much of me I could give him, it would never replace his dreams of a life with her.

That doesn’t say anything on my value.

There were moments I broke the eye contact with him. Not because it was uncomfortable, but because I didn’t want to rebuild the intimacy of our dynamic the way I used to.

My heart still aches for the man I thought I fell for.

I do see him differently now, and I think that’s a good thing. He isn’t mine.

I learned so much from him, though.

I can’t imagine being with someone else. Not now. Not for a long time.

I just can’t see myself with him anymore, either.

[cupsandqueens]

And then I remembered..

I’m the only one who ever tries fixing things between us, in a relationship I didn’t break.

I’m the only one who really tried.

I waited for him, while he loved someone else. While he met other people to fill in the void she left behind, the one he said remained empty when he tried to use me to fill in her space.

He told me he felt empty when he was with me. That wasn’t always true. But in the end, it was.

What do you do when the man you love is someone that is no good for you?

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. This isn’t the first man I loved that wasn’t mine to keep.

This was however, the first man I really and truly believed was it for me.

I still love him. I still can’t be with him. I still might never hold him in my arms, or really look in his eyes again. He avoids me in person, but watches my social media. He keeps tabs on my activity: social media, my behavior at work, any information about me in general, he keeps an open tab.

What happens when I go ghost?

When I turn off my phone, delete the apps, go silent with coworkers that report back?

Would he care? Does it even matter?

I hate the fact that I still find myself crying for someone that barely even notices that I’m gone. I hate the fact that I don’t have the ability to believe that I’m nothing to him, despite his actions.

I hate that I love him.

I fucking miss him. But he isn’t good for me. I know. I know he’s not good for me.

[cupsandqueens]

I’m starting to think that maybe, life just isn’t for me. I don’t talk to my friends much anymore, and the truth is, I don’t even really want to.

I don’t think the world would be a better place without me in it, but I do think I’ve reached a point where it doesn’t really matter to me whether I’m alive. Not that I’m depressed, but just that I don’t really desire to exist more than I already have. I just feel like I’ve seen enough. Felt enough. Tried enough.

What about Rylee? Honestly, I don’t really know. I know I’m all she actually has. I know how much she loves me. I know how much I love her, but the truth is, maybe she would be better off without me. She’ll have a family growing up. I may hate them, but I know she’ll be okay. Ovi will ensure that.

The truth is, I’m not mentally right. There’s something wrong with me, and I’m scared I’ll rub off on her.

There is a part of me that says I should call out for help, but the truth is, I don’t want to be helped anymore. I just want to die, peacefully. I don’t want any big productions, no big goodbyes, no explanations. I’m just ready to stop existing.

Who would miss me? Who would remember me?

I can picture my funeral. I can imagine the posts some of my friends would put up. I can imagine a few of them having hard reactions. “Why didn’t she call? How could she do this to her daughter? Maybe she really was crazy after all.”

I can imagine my parents using my death to further their fame. The same with my sister.

I can imagine how many people would just say that I just wasn’t strong enough. But maybe, it would just be better to let go. To climb to the highest bridge, and let myself fly.

Would I have left anything in the world worthwhile, besides my daughter? I don’t know.

I just know that there’s a certain peace that comes with the thought that maybe, soon, I won’t have to be alive anymore

[cupsandqueens]

I wonder why you told Jenna you thought I was mad at you. Maybe the way I said everything made you question if I was lying about how much I cared.

Maybe it doesn’t matter to you anymore. That’s why you said you’d call me when Cody fell asleep, but you didn’t.

I’m sure you’ll have an excuse and an apology. An explanation. The truth is, maybe that was your last chance to mend a bridge between us. Maybe you got scared, or you just didn’t care. It is what it is.

[cupsandqueens]

Somewhere out there, there’s a man that would do anything for me. A man that would guide me closer to God. A man that would give me and Rylee the world. A man that would love me unconditionally.

Somewhere out there, I have all the knowledge necessary to heal, prosper, and flourish.

Somewhere out there are friendships that don’t make me hide. People that embrace me and Rylee. People that show up.

Somewhere out there, I have a life I’m proud of.

Somewhere out there, I feel worthy. I know all that I have is all I prayed and worked for.

Somewhere out there is a healthy environment and atmosphere.

Somewhere out there is a life I love.

I just need to bring it in.

[cupsandqueens]

I really just tried my best to show him all the love I could. He really broke my heart, like, it feels like it’s just not there anymore. It’s hard because he’s messaging me now, and there is that part of me that’s like, “maybe”, but then I choose not to respond because I don’t have anything to say. I gave him everything I had, and I know that it wasn’t much, and that it didn’t mean anything to him, but I tried my best, and all I got from him was him basically calling me crazy to you, ignoring me for days, saying he wasn’t sure about being my friend after saying he wanted to be, and him fw his ex after telling me they were done so many times. That’s what makes it hard to trust now, because I really let him in. I let him see so much of me that I truly haven’t shared with anyone else. And in the end, he didn’t just abandon me, he betrayed me by trying to make me look like shit. Today’s the first day in so long that I haven’t broken down crying wondering what I did to not be enough, or how I was too much. He made me feel worthless, like I was nothing. Which hurts because I fought so hard to show him how much I believed he was everything. I looked at him like he put the stars in the sky, and in a way he took my stars with him because that was such a big part of me loving him. I saw all of it, the red flags, the broken pieces, but I also saw the man he could be if he healed, and the love he could give if he let himself have it. Part of me wishes I could say everything to him, but even if I did, he doesn’t care. He would just call me crazy, so it’s better to keep it to myself

[cupsandqueens]

I think you saw it today. The wall, mask, facade. You put yours up, too. I don’t trust you anymore. To not lie to me, use me, hurt me. I don’t believe that you actually ever cared for me at all anymore. You just wanted someone to listen that wouldn’t judge you. That would hold you, love you. I did that. I loved every broken piece, and when they cut me, I romanticized the blood by saying it was just your way of getting close to me.

You don’t understand, because you don’t care. You could see it when you looked at me though. My discomfort. The way I avoided proximity to you, and didn’t have much to say. I smiled, and was friendly, but despite the way I told myself I would act, you know me. You know my secrets. You know the ways I protect myself, so you also know that I was putting on an act with you. I know you hate that I wasn’t being genuine. But, if you know me at all, if you’ve paid any attention, you know it’s not because I hate you, or want to hurt you. It’s just because you hurt me. It’s because I don’t feel safe with you anymore. I don’t feel cared for anymore. I feel used, and discarded. I just don’t see any point in telling you that. You don’t care enough to ask. You don’t care enough to make any real effort for me, or the friendship we had. And don’t think I didn’t notice the way the girl you’re working with now looks at you. I saw.

I just don’t have it left in me to want this anymore. You broke my heart in so many ways, and you didn’t even bat an eye when you did it. You just didn’t care.

I find myself not wanting love anymore. Getting irritated by the closeness of my friendships, especially the ones who have proven they actually do care about me. I feel unworthy of the connection, and I’m angry in a sense, because, I didn’t want it to be them holding me together.

And now, you’re just running into other people. It’s like I never existed. Like it didn’t matter. Like I didn’t matter. Just a couple of nights of hook ups, and me endlessly pouring into you.

The truth is, it doesn’t even feel good to think of you anymore. It doesn’t feel good on the rare occasion I hear from you anymore. I’m killing myself over nothing. I’m dying because I loved someone that didn’t love me. Someone that just saw me as a tool, not even a person.

What would my future husband say? The man that knows I’m his rib. The man that loves me, and accepts me for all I am.

Assuming there’s ever a part of me that could love someone, or would even want to.

Assuming that this pain doesn’t lead me down paths that destroy anything left in me worth loving.

I wanted it to be you. You, me, the kids.

Now I’m just this shell. I over gave. I still give it too much now. Especially now that I see clearly exactly what you are.

Jenna was right.

You’re just lustful and like attention.

I was never going to be enough for you.

I wish I could forget. Erase every moment, every memory of you. Maybe that’s what I’ll have a character do. Erasure.

It’s funny. We talked about that one time. How you’d want me to forget everything that happened, but only know the stars. Just so you could see what I figured out along the way.

I feel sick. This isn’t good for me anymore. But I’m not strong enough to tell you goodbye. I’m still holding on for that moment you’ll tell me you messed up.

I’m going to sleep

[cupsandqueens]

When swimming in the ocean late that night, I feel myself pulled into a rip tide. When the water was filling my lungs, my head was spinning, stars were rushing in my eyes. I start gasping when I realize there is no water. My vision clears, and I’m looking into his eyes. I’m crashing into him, ceasing to exist. He took my face in his hands, leaned in and whispered “close your eyes.” I do as I’m told. Why wouldn’t I? I love him. He places his fingers on my jaw, and says, “Open wide.” He has me swallow a grenade. I hear the click as he pulls the pin, and he kisses me.

He sighs, “I never thought you were crazy, you know.” I open my eyes, and as I’m staring into his, seeing his chaos and pain, he says “But, you were insane if you really believed I’d ever love you. You are beautiful, sweet, and I think the world of you, really. But, for you, I feel nothing.” He caresses my face, tracing his fingers through my hair. I’d speak, without the grenade in my throat. “You don’t have anything to say?” My eyes well up, but I shake my head. I’m surprised I’m still alive, but I’m suffocating. “You know, you could breathe if you’d just take it out.” He smiled, amused. “Unless, you’d rather die.” I shake my head again, but this time, I bring my hand to his. Tears stream down my face, but I hand him the grenade. His smile vanishes, and he looks at me with confusion. I caress the side of his face, kiss his cheek, and lean up to whisper back, “I loved you, more than life itself. But now that I know what you are, your chaos holds no power over me.” I look in his eyes. He’s scared, because now we both finally understand: He never had any power over me. My love gave him power. As he stands with his grenade in hand, I turn, and walk away. I can hear the waves crashing on the shoreline, and I almost turn back to look at him. I hear the explosion behind me, and while the girl I used to be would’ve turned around to help him, I no longer feel her presence with me. Feeling the void of her absence, I turn around. The scene is brutal. At first all I see is fire and blood, but then the smoke clears. She died in his arms. She suffocated on that grenade, but it was him enjoying the show that took him with her.

“Maybe love is power after all.” And with that, I walk out into the water, and stare at the stars in the night sky. The absence of the moon would normally unsettle me, but I understand that this is just the beginning of my life, not just the end of hers.