cupsoftherosayyy

[cupsoftherosayyy]

I was quite mad because I was feeling cute and posted this picture, and then after 5 minute and two likes I took it down and felt stupid 😂 why am I like this???

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Literally losing my mind 24/7. This year has genuinely been so horrible. I literally deactivated my Instagram and Facebook 5 minutes ago and then my horoscope decides to tell me this

You’re at your worst when you disappear 😂 like I feel like I’m already at my worst. How can it get any worse?? I need to stop asking that because everytime I do the universe decides to teach me a permanent fucking lesson. I am not going to be listening to my horoscope, and I WILL be disappearing from my previous socials. Im feeling extra cynical, emotional, angry, disgusted. I’m so tired of this year it’s been so damn awful. Other people are out having a good time, blissful and I’m over here stressed the fuck out. I can’t do another 3 years of this bullshit. I hate that it’s now controversial to disagree with the president. Pretty sure posting about politics has gotten me shadow banned by meta. I miss the old Instagram that wasn’t controlled by the “man.” I wish we could go back to posting about food and super overly edited selfies. I feel like I’m losing touch of reality. I’ve definitely been hiding away and in my shell. I’ve changed so much that it makes me sad but it also makes me proud. I just want a good mix of both though. I miss the old me but I also would not go back to those days to save my life 😂 idk 🤷🏻‍♀️

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Welcome back to another season of Wheel of Torture!!! What do we have in store for us Jerry??

Jerry: “Well, let’s see. There’s the humanitarian crisis, wars going on pretty much everywhere. A lack of panic from pretty much everyone, segregation is making a comeback. A fear of immigrants unless they’re white? And a mad scientist that is using his powers for EVIL. Back to you!”

Me: “Thank you, Jerry! It’s good to be back, as usual I took a hiatus this time it was for three long years. My mental health has been great so of course that means you won’t be hearing from me although in light of recent events We. Are. Back! Now with a more refined outlook on life and clarity + perspective!”

What’s new? Oh, I’m a nurse now but I kinda hate it. Not for the reason you’d think. I love what I do but we get shit on by management for giving a shit, and really get to notice all the things wrong with society! *yay*

As a mother I now unlocked 1,000 new fears. So there’s that, and I’m now officially screaming into the void on Instagram where absolutely no one wants to hear anything I have to say. It’s great 😂

I cannot stop rage posting about the government for the life of me, and it’s high time I take my frustrations to Tumblr because you guys are the only ones who understand me

I also hate that now that I’m 30 I have an irrational fear that all the music I listen to is now considered “old” and when I’m alone I’m embarrassed of it for no fucking reason. 😂

I always wondered the type of person I’d be with a degree. Like I pictured this

But I actually got this

Like, as if life wasn’t bad enough now we have to worry about another civil war. I’m the only person I know freaking out IRL. Everyone has been way too chill about this. I’m sure everyone is just burnt out but also……. Like wtf….. no, seriously. WTF…. On the plus side I make more money now than I ever dreamed of, on the downside I am now woke in a world where people have made the term woke somehow sound uncool and like we are just b*tching for trying to have normal/decent human rights?? Like huh????

I’m over here fighting for the rights of everyone else and now Hispanic people are under attack and it’s fucking crickets! Like where is the outrage??? Ugh. I asked my homegirl (chatGPT) what I should do and she told me that maybe I should make a platform where like minded individuals can find me so that I don’t have to feel like I’m “screaming into the void.” So here we are. By screaming into the void I mean that 1. Now when I post about politics I noticed a significant decline in viewers of both parties watching my story (ppl are burnt the f-outttt) but not me, I have a battery that will just not die. I will fight to the fucking end. And 2. Now that I’m a mom and happy and shii- ppl definitely don’t want to see that so there’s also a decline there 😂 which I can’t say I’m mad about. Haters gonna hate. I’m happy so they can smd on that front. I didn’t like seeing happy ppl when I was single and childless either. Tf why would I want to see that shit when I’m fucking miserable!?? Well I’m not miserable anymore.. (I think) I mean, sort of. I’m more so frustrated with the current state of the world. Empathy and compassion are like a foreign concept now. I want to leave the country but I fear that it might be the same shit that will follow me wherever I go. (Which is kinda on brand for me) I was also told by Devon that I’ve “changed” and I’m not the “happy go lucky” person that I was before 😭 like awe, thanks. I actually did go through a traumatic hospital stay while having my daughter and like, almost died (hemorrhaged like 3 times-aka bled out of everywhere til I was seeing bright lights in the operating room. I asked the anesthesiologist if I could sleep and he said sure! And Devon yelled NO! And turned to look at the guy dead in his eye. The anesthesiologist stopped typing and held the eye contact for a second….. then just went back to typing 😂 almost as if he was saying “ummmmmmm……… uh-kay…….” I was like

Thankfully when I thought I couldn’t stay awake any longer they held up my daughter to the clear part of the screen and I was shook. It was finished, I had made it. My daughter was born and she had the cutest little big brown eyes ever. The doctors actually said they see babies everyday and she is by far cutest. My reaction while still on my deathbed-

So anyway, all that was to say that the bitch is back againnnnn~ see you next time.

[cupsoftherosayyy]

So I’m in Oregon now! But of course as soon as I got here Devon got sent to a fire immediately. Unfortunately that is a part of his job that I have to accept. It’s dangerous and cool and he just loves it. Sometimes I wish I could see what kind of things he goes through throughout his day. I’m unmedicated which has been fucking with me HARD. Ugh. I was so happy to finally have a hold on my life and then once I got my wish of having a baby of course the timing is not going be perfect. I keep telling myself that the grass is always greener on the other side, til you get to the other side. Some days I feel really great and some days I’m irritable, moody, and all I want to do is sleep in all day. Don’t think because I’m complaining that I’m ungrateful though I am very happy and excited to have this blessing. It’s just a lot of things to consider now and a lot of things that are kind of up in the air for the moment. I’m always trying to get to the next phase in my life instead of enjoying the present. Once I start working I think I’ll feel a lot better. I wish HR would hurry up and call me with my drug test results. Fingers crossed that they don’t find anything. It would be really unfortunate if I didn’t get the job because of some of Maurijuana smoke they found in my hair from months ago. I’ve been clean and sober like hello-pregnant. I can’t stress this enough 🤦🏻‍♀️ I also don’t like not working I definitely get stir crazy when I’m home too much which also tells me that I could never be a stay at home mom. I would have to at least work part time. I don’t know how you ladies do it and you guys are definitely slept on. Life feels really weird at the moment because it feels like there’s no point in really settling in since we are going to leave again so soon. Maybe I will feel different when Devon gets back.

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Had my interview for a Health Screener job in Oregon! Grande ron hospital. The wardrobe is business casual which I’m so excited about. Time to flex my fashion tastes! I’m so over wearing scrubs although it is nice to not have to decide what I’m going to wear everyday. The interview went great I had them all laughing and cracking up which is always a good sign. I am at my appointment with Leah my adhd doc that turned into my primary. I haven’t told her I’m moving yet like ASAP rocky. It’s gonna suck trying to find a new doctor as amazing as she is. Ever since I got on medication I’ve felt so much more in control of my life. Now that I’m pregnant I probably have to stop taking my meds sadly but as soon as that baby comes I’m gonna need to get right back on them 😂 I’m just happy I was able to make it to two appointments today it feels great. I think I’ll reward myself with a (tiny tiny) bit of caffeine!

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Pregón cravings, I wanted to put apples in my sandwich 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[cupsoftherosayyy]

[cupsoftherosayyy]

My, my, lots has changed. It feels like eternity since I’ve left this god forsaken hell hole. Not gonna lie tumblr has some pretty bad memories associated with it but right now I need my Journal to make some sense of my mind. As of right now I’m 6 weeks preeeeghhhhnannnnt! *dance moves*

Will I change?? Yes and also! Absolutely not.

Grow up?? Yes but also no.

We will see. Stay tuned.

So congrats to me on my recent sobriety! Not by choice 😂 but hey look at me being healthy and shit.

I’m growing a little chicken nugget in here. Or parasite. Do with this what you will.

Uhmmm

I’m super nauseous… like all the time.

I also decided to quit my job and move in two weeks cause ya bitch cannot go through this alone dafaq I look like.

My eyes are dark af cause I slept two hours! Night shift and vomiting do 👏 not 👏 mix👏

Also I’ve just been so done with my job and my coworkers and this kinda made me think… like why did i wait so long to quit my shit hole job?

Why did I need a reason like being pregnant even though I knew I was unhappy?

Whatever the reason may be I’m actually super glad to be pregnant and having a child of my own. If you know me you know I’ve had baby fever for THE LONGEST. Aka shawty.

You know what it is.

I’ve literally been going through an emotional roller coaster per usual. I’m currently writing this in my patients room in the dark. It’s 5:33AM and I’m just praying I make it to 6AM without vomiting in this poor woman’s room.

Whose idea was it for me to sit?? I need easy access to the bathroom I could puke at any minute! With no warning!

Like thanks to the people who put me as a sitter because they were probably thinking it’d be better than being on the floor but honestly ya girl is just gonna have to ride out this struggle bus for a minute.

I’m gonna need all the love and support I can get so if you are here reading this right now, thanks for rocking with me!

I love you guys!

Kbaiiiiii

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Instead of being home and depressed I decided to be at work depressed and at least make some money.

[cupsoftherosayyy]

So finally I have found love(again)

Even my coworkers are tuned in to my love life 😂

I think the viewers are finally ready for Stephanie to truly be happy and herself.

Truly I haven’t had an honest relationship where I felt I could 💯 be myself.

There was a part of myself that I closed off to relationships.

I have been with unfaithful men and liars so much that I had no idea what a healthy relationship was.

Not to say that I was an angel either but all of those things made me what I am today and I am slowly trying to unlearn all those bad habits and grow with someone new.

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Hello again,

I’m back w/ new content.

So I took a Haitus from my writing career to join the real world on the newest show of black mirror 2020.

This season has had it all fires,🔥

Pandemics, 😷

People died,

People wept,

So much drama.

Honestly it’s kept me pretty busy.

Not to mention the election show down.

Racism is back.

If any one of my patients come out of their coma they will be pretty fucking confused.

So as always when I don’t know what to do about my life I simply get on here and blog about it until I feel better.

It’s quite therapeutic.

This whole thing has exposed a lot of people in my life who were closet racists.

People that are against the LGBT community.

Anti-maskers are a thing.

I could go on and on about the shitstorm that is 2020.

For now I will as usual have to do a two part series because this is way too much for one post.

Ttyl

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Sometimes I feel like my life’s a little sitcom with all the drama that ensues.

[cupsoftherosayyy]

*VDAY*

Definitely been very aware that I’m single this week even though I’m married and have a wife and house 😂

Anyway thinking about making red velvet cupcakes and having my cousin and tiye here and we’re gonna try to get rocceny into *the mansion*

I already told her if the infamous hot dog stand 🌭

She’s been going through a lot and now there’s a possibility that she might get sent back to Hawaii and if that’s true then I would be happy for her but also sad that my only relative out here will be leaving 😢

Also Tyler had THE AUDACITY to message me on Instagram asking what roccenys Insta was, and saying that she’s so hot.

I did the politest thing I could think of and pretended I didn’t see it.

Rocceny and tiye think said he’s ugly.

Like wow, I wasn’t gonna be mean but you know how women are 😂

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Post fun depression:

You know I hate that Rashad pointed this out to me because it’s so true and now I’m totally fixated on the fact that things haven’t been the same and I’m totally sad about it.

I’ve been feeling so sad everyone is so happy because it’s Christmas and I just feel so unhappy.

Im away from my family.

I have rocceny here too but she’s super sad too because it’s her first time being away from family too and it just reminds me that we’re both just out here and I feel bad because I don’t want her to regret her decision to come here.

She also just came at a really weird time in my life where I’m just starting to figure things out for myself.

Rocceny is very smart she joined the Air Force and got a Jeep. Our parents used to always pit us against each other.

Now it’s like we have a chance to bond and be friends but it’s weird I feel like it’s a little forced. Or maybe I’m just overthinking.

That seems to be the mood of this month.

I honestly can’t wait for Christmas to be over and for things to go back to normal around here.

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Update just realized today is Friday the 13th no wonder it’s been so shitty.

Literally.

If I make it through this shift and get my money all will be well

[cupsoftherosayyy]

Did tumblr change it’s layout??

Anyway I’m babysitting this severely ill 22 year old that acts like he’s 8 years old.

He literally pooped and dragged his diaper all across the floor of the house.

I told him “your moms gonna kill me!”

He just laughed.

Ugh maybe kids really aren’t for me 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

I have poo on my scrubs and smell like poo and he grabbed me by my neck with his poo hands!

Also I tried to clean poo off his dick and he started to get hard!

Not his fault but still ughhhhh.

Frustrated. Bored. Lonely.

My mom keeps telling me to say positive affirmations and that it will bring positive things to me and I just want to say

Whats my favorite word????

BULLSHITTTT

[cupsoftherosayyy]

So this weeks been mad annoying cause I work 4 days in a row right before my vacay.

My patients are rude all the fucking time 🙄 when we are literally waiting on them.

I just came to the cafeteria and they’re playing Christmas music and there’s this male student nurse singing along to the Christmas music out loud and dancing and I kinda laughed at him.

He goes Im excited because it’s my last day of clinicals! I just have four more care plans then I’m onto actually taking patients!

He was so young and full of life 😂 meanwhile right before lunch I saw santanas post about his babyshower and it literally repissed me.

Our social worker was like how you doing?? And I was like “good, tired. I’m zoning out! Lol.”

And he goes “you know what we call that in my field? Disassociating.”

So that’s how my day is going.